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I lost my dad


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9 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Your Dad would be really proud of how you are handling all of what is going on in your life.

if I could figure out how to post a 'sticker' it would be a Dad figure inside a heart holding his thumb up, and the caption would be, "That's my girl!"

 

That is so nice! Thank you! And I think you're right...he was really proud of me, and more and more so as we became closer and he got to know me better. I think he would be saying, "That's my girl!" and wherever he is, he might be saying that...

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I really miss my dad. He was my best friend and a great companion. I could always count on him to be in my corner and on my side. He was also my safety net, and having lost my job I certainly wish I had that now. I feel afraid about the future and what will become of me. 

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My dad was my role model and my hero, which I didn't realize for many years. He taught me so much...how to write, change a tire, and so many practical things. But more than anything he taught me how to work hard and to fight my way in the world and to succeed in the face of adversity. One of his most frequent pieces of advice to me was, "You've got to look out for number one, because no one else will." Well, maybe sometimes they will, but you can't count on it. You have to be able to count on yourself.

My older sister and I shared a room from when we were very small until my father graduated with his law degree and began working in his field. Another family might have given us our own room, but my father needed a room in which to study and this was a non-negotiable priority. The family's future depended on his academic success and his ability to launch himself professionally. He was in way over his head in his first job and his boss told him that if he couldn't do the job in six months, he'd be fired. He had to bring home work to do at night. He didn't think he could do it but couldn't give up. After the long haul of working full time and going to law school, he had a long hard grind of getting started in his career. I thought about him a lot when I was working full time, going to graduate school and taking care of a house singlehandedly. 

I learned so much from him and it was good for both of us to spend time together once I was well into my career. It made me feel good that he was proud of me and my professional success. I hope what I learned is enough to carry me through now. Sometimes I feel like I am the woman he raised me to be, and sometimes I fear the bottom has fallen out from under me. When I was younger in my career, I felt like he was like a guiding light for me, even thought he was far away and we were not close. Maybe he is still that guiding light and will help me through this year. I hope so...

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Laura, I'm glad you got those years to get to to really know and love your Dad.

Like I've said before I feel very fortunate and thankful to have had 46 years with him.  For us girls to lose our fathers is a tough one.  I loved to be his daughter even though he used to call me the young fulla.  LOL. I was such a tomboy and interested in everything he did.

These are hard days for you and I'm sorry for the pain and sorrow you are going through.  The other aspects of your life are no picnic either.  Somewhere inside you is your father's love and the strength to work through the struggles.

hugs

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Laura,

My husband was the one that believed in me and had faith in me, he was my greatest cheerleader and fan.  A few months after he died I lost my job.  I had six months to find a new one but being in my 50s, found I wasn't a hot commodity anymore to employers. :(  I so needed his bolstering!  I learned to reach inside of me for his comfort and encouragement whenever I needed it...on the way to an interview, in the ravishing despair of the middle of the night, worrying about losing my home, etc.  I also learned eventually to take a day at a time, as much as I could.  Anxiety was a struggle, but I did learn some coping skills.

I truly believe you will be okay but oh how I know those haunting thoughts!

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19 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

...For us girls to lose our fathers is a tough one.  I loved to be his daughter even though he used to call me the young fulla.  LOL. I was such a tomboy and interested in everything he did.

These are hard days for you and I'm sorry for the pain and sorrow you are going through.  The other aspects of your life are no picnic either.  Somewhere inside you is your father's love and the strength to work through the struggles.

Thanks, Marita. You're right. nothing is any picnic. It seems like such a long time since I had a normal life when I did whatever I did...went to work where I was able to help other people, enjoyed the scenery, played music with friends, painted, spent time with my dad and my cat, talked to one of my sisters and all was good with her, went to the gym or the pool, went to bed, slept well and got up in the morning to have another interesting and inspiring day. Now, nothing seems normal, nothing feels good, and where I live doesn't feel like my home and it's not my dad's either. You're right - they are hard days and sometimes I'm not sure even why. I don't remember who I was or what was holding my life and myself together. I haven't just lost my dad - I've lost my self, and I'm not even sure how...

How are you doing!  And what does that mean, "the young fulla"? I wasn't exactly a tomboy since I wasn't athletic, but I sure was interested in everything my dad did!

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14 hours ago, kayc said:

:(  I so needed his bolstering!  I learned to reach inside of me for his comfort and encouragement whenever I needed it...on the way to an interview, in the ravishing despair of the middle of the night, worrying about losing my home, etc.  I also learned eventually to take a day at a time, as much as I could.  Anxiety was a struggle, but I did learn some coping skills.

I truly believe you will be okay but oh how I know those haunting thoughts!

Thanks, Kay - I really appreciate your thoughts. I think what you are talking about is key, and Marita said the same thing when she wrote, "Somewhere inside you is your father's love and the strength to work through the struggles." 

Sometimes I think I will be ok, and sometimes I'm not sure if I care or if it matters. Having a car accident four months after my dad died was really bad luck. I wonder sometimes if I am permanently stuck with a headache along with neck and back pain...it's been almost three months and I've had a headache for pretty much every day through all that. I have kept a log of my symptoms every day or couple of days all along and things overall have improved dramatically, but there has been no relenting of the headache.

It really makes me wonder what will become of me or if it matters. Nevertheless, I get up every day and do my best. I drive carefully, have had very little alcohol in the past 7 months, and all that.

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Laura our lives are filled with so many unknowns that it can be so overwhelming.  It does matter what will become of you.  The lives of each one of us matters.  However, your life has to satisfy you.  Do not allow yourself to be tricked into pleasing everyone but yourself.  That is when you lose 'yourself'.  I believe there is a reason we are on this earth and I want to believe that the best is yet to come.

Ha, ha.  A young fulla is a young boy.  I dressed like a boy, looked like a boy, and usually acted like a boy.  I grew up in mining camps in remote areas of Manitoba and Ontario.  Our 'new school' had two classrooms, but when the divider between them was pulled back the one big room became the auditorium.  My Dad made sure I knew how to take care of myself when it came to boys as they out numbered the girls 3 to 1.  My Dad had a huge fear of me, or the other girls, being abused.  I used to be one of the tough kids who defended my friends and the younger kids.  Being an only child isn't always a cake-walk.  Foolish times... taking on the teenage boys when I was only 10.  After the first few go rounds with the boys they knew that I demanded to be treated like a person and not a thing.  The girls used to run to me with their troubles and I would warn the boy involved that in front of everyone I would catch him (I usually needed help with that part), sit on him, and pound on him until he would apologize to the girl.  I'm not this fulla anymore.

I carry my Dad in my heart and he is in my thoughts everyday.  He had his faults like every human does, but in my eyes he was the world to me.  My dad and my husband were very close.  They liked and respected each other.  I believe they are together in their new world and that they are watching over my son and I and one day we will all be together again.

 

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Laura,

What does your doctor say?  Your lawyer?  You shouldn't be expected to live with headaches the rest of your life through no fault of your own!  And if they can't "fix" that, at least you should be well compensated for it!
Oh my dear lady, you didn't deserve any of this to happen, not your dad dying, not the accident, or the subsequent bumps on the noggin!  I wish you for a better year coming up!

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Thank you Marita - that was a lovely - and funny - message. Sounds like you were an interesting child, and a courageous one. I turned into a courageous adult, but it came over a lot of time and struggle. When I was a child and a young adult, I was afraid of everyone, and had trouble even speaking. I had a horrible stammer and didn't want to expose anything - information or the stammer, so I hardly spoke. I certainly got over that! I eventually realized that most other people were also apprehensive of the same situations I was. In the long run I think being so withdrawn for so many years hurt my social skills and left me with lingering worries that I was doing or saying the wrong thing. But then since I had become practically fearless I would openly ask someone, "Was that a terrible thing I said?" And the responses were almost always things like, "no, I wish I had said that", "no, she's impossible for everyone to get along with", and so on. I had somehow become the person who would say what everyone else was afraid to say. 

When I was in my MSW program in my late 30's I felt intimidated because my undergraduate degree was in Computer Information Systems, and every single other student had an undergrad in social work, early childhood studies, sociology, or something related to human beings. I felt like I knew nothing, but actually that was a plus, since most of my classmates were bored and I was excited - social work was SO much more interesting than finance, economics, computer programming...ughh!  As it turns out I did have a lot of related experience, like  my 7 years doing river trips in the Grand Canyon when I really focused on helping people overcome phobias of heights and water. In the depths of the Grand Canyon there is nothing but heights and water - either you are on a hike climbing, or on the water running enormous rapids. I just did it by reflex and hence learned who I was.

In grad school I was intimidated, but not for long. I would ask questions I thought were really dumb, only to have my classmates thank me after class because everyone was lost but afraid to ask a question. When I did presentations in class, I never read note cards because I was too nervous to read them. I would prepare my topic really well, make beautiful splashy overheads with a lot of color, and ramble through the material as I went through the slides, tossing in stories impulsively as they came to mind. If I missed some prominent piece on an overhead and someone asked about it, I'd laugh and say, "Oh yeah..." explain it, and move on with whatever came to mind. Looking back I realize it was a totally ADHD "save", but I was totally prepared and the presentations were interesting because they were fresh and unrehearsed. My classmates thought I was bombproof because I didn't use notecards. I explained that I was terrified, but very well prepared. I'm not sure they believed me. When we were in groups, my classmates always wanted me to present as much of our work as possible. Me, the girl who had been unable to complete a sentence ten years earlier!

It was such a relief from the stresses and pressures of adult midlife to have my dad at my side, totally supportive and proud of me and my accomplishments. He was totally behind me and everything I did and had done. He, like my cat Lena, trusted me to make the world safe for them and handle anything that came up. It was a fabulous decade that made me stronger, but who am I now? Certainly not the person I was ten years ago, but maybe no one is who they were ten years ago...

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

Laura,

What does your doctor say?  Your lawyer?  You shouldn't be expected to live with headaches the rest of your life through no fault of your own!  And if they can't "fix" that, at least you should be well compensated for it!
Oh my dear lady, you didn't deserve any of this to happen, not your dad dying, not the accident, or the subsequent bumps on the noggin!  I wish you for a better year coming up!

Thanks Kay! My doctor is not really involved in any of this and I think he's not really sure what to do. Doctors don't really know what to make of soft-tissue injuries, and he's not a neurologist or anything like that. Still, I could try asking him. I could email him my big spreadsheet list of symptoms and see is he has any other ideas. Medical massage? I don't know... My attorney has been in DC since the beginning of July on a special assignment. He was never particularly directive about medical stuff - just told me to do what I need to do to get better. The one who has been the most active and involved has been the chiropractor. I'll ask him what he thinks, and maybe my doctor has other ideas he could offer. I have been assuming all along that it would get better, but yesterday it occurred to me, what if it doesn't? I'll ask the chiro tomorrow and email my doctor today - or call his nurse - or both! Thanks again...

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It seems you SHOULD be seeing a neurologist!  And isn't your attorney filing suit on your behalf?  If he's still gone perhaps someone else should be handling it.  You shouldn't be going through all of this for nothing, what about your pain and suffering?

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25 minutes ago, Clematis said:

...but who am I now? Certainly not the person I was ten years ago, but maybe no one is who they were ten years ago...

I think that is key.  Our lives are in a flux.  Change is all around us, we can not remain the same person we were because we have new information coming at us constantly.  Knowledge changes everything, causing us to feel differently to how we felt previously.

The idea of a new 'normal' is frustrating for me.  I feel that our lives now are less predictable than before the traumatic event that has brought us all together on this forum.  With everything 'changing', transformation is what is now usual.  I think I shall refer to it as my time of transformation rather than new normal.  It opens up the interpretation to include looking forward to life, not just living a sorrowful empty existence.

Anyway, just my take on things.

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

It seems you SHOULD be seeing a neurologist!  And isn't your attorney filing suit on your behalf?  If he's still gone perhaps someone else should be handling it.  You shouldn't be going through all of this for nothing, what about your pain and suffering?

I think that at this point the attorney doesn't really have a lot to do since the medical treatment is still ongoing. When I last spoke to him he said to just keep doing what the providers told me to and keep tracking symptoms and also the costs of the injury, whether quantitative or not. I have three separate spreadsheets that I am using to track all this - one for symptoms-every day or sometimes a few similar days, one for things that cost me $$, and non-quantifiable suffering and impacts of the injuries. The attorney covering for mine hasn't done much but I think there's not much to do at this point. Anyway my guy will be back soon, and that will be good. Both attorneys were impressed with my organized spreadsheets - like they wished everyone would hand them a pile of data like that.

The headaches that persist - well I would like to have more of an answer on that. The person who handles these kinds of cases has a waiting list and it's taking her about four months to get to people. Seems likely to be in October...

I'll call my dr this afternoon. This morning I was working - being a school psychologist - gotta take care of business, even if I am doing it at home.

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3 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I think that is key.  Our lives are in a flux.  Change is all around us, we can not remain the same person we were because we have new information coming at us constantly.  Knowledge changes everything, causing us to feel differently to how we felt previously.

The idea of a new 'normal' is frustrating for me.  I feel that our lives now are less predictable than before the traumatic event that has brought us all together on this forum.  With everything 'changing', transformation is what is now usual.  I think I shall refer to it as my time of transformation rather than new normal.  It opens up the interpretation to include looking forward to life, not just living a sorrowful empty existence.

I think that's true...unfortunately, the only clear view will be from the future looking back, and even that may not be accurate. I lost my job in 2009 and felt like I was in free fall. My dad carried me through it financially since I had very little work for about two years. Looking back on it, my recollection was lying on the floor with my cello or guitar waiting to stop breathing, wondering why my dad was helping such a lazy good-for-nothing, and then getting up to resume practicing. Going through my stuff while moving recently, I got a more accurate picture of what I was really doing. I applied for nursing school, was accepted. whipped through the prerequisites, started the nursing program, and completed the CNA program. Meanwhile I played music in three different groups - with related rehearsals, cooked dinner for my dad almost every night, did a little medical social work (home visits 20-30 minutes drive from my house), and got up at 4:30 every morning so that I could practice for three hours before class or work. I was so exhausted my friends in the contra dance band kinda alternated having me "couch-surf" at their homes because no one thought I was safe to drive home after a dance or other late events. Once I fell asleep onstage while playing - just a quick nod-off, but indicative of my state of mind - desperation. Pretty crazy that I had forgotten all that...

Had it not been for the car accident and head injury, I would have probably been at it like that this summer as well. But I have been restricted and been surrounded by people insisting and reminding me to take it easy and not be a maniac

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On August 10, 2016 at 7:58 AM, kayc said:

What does your doctor say?  Your lawyer?  You shouldn't be expected to live with headaches the rest of your life through no fault of your own!  

You're right, Kay...and I shouldn't have to live with a headache forever either. The lawyer is still out of town but should be back soon. So here's the plan. My doctor wants the chiro to send him his notes and after he does, I will see the doctor and we will talk about the progress of this. Truth is I've been pretty much being my own case manager in all this. Well, that's a social work thing, and I am a social worker, but this is not a field of expertise for me and I am the patient, not a professional in this case. I see the chiro today.

As to the neuro part, I was originally referred to a neuropsychologist but the wait was too long, then had a runaround of several neurologists. Then the doctor said it should be a neuropsychologist, which seemed right to me all along, because they are the experts on output from the brain (rather than internal/medical issues). So eventually I was referred to a neuropsychologist and then another. Wait-was this the first person? Yup. She couldn't see me until December and doesn't work with car accidents anyway, but she talked to me on the phone and scared the pee out of me by telling me that if she found anything significant she would call my board and tell them that I was impaired and not allowed to work. In fact, she suggested that I should just call them myself.

I got on the phone and called my friend "S" who is a psychiatrist and another friend "G", who is a recently retired OT (occupational therapist), who had a serious head event right after she retired. Both said I was nowhere near the level where someone would be reported to a board. G told me that she knew this neuropsych personally and chose not to see her but someone else. G had some other ideas, primarily that it was probably too late and that since I am a professional with a good level of self-awareness I can put my own safety checks in place, such as only working when I am well rested, having another friend who is also a school psych proofread my first reports, etc. S told me that reporting to a board is a nightmare and she has only had to do this once and the patient was seriously out of control from a mental illness and had actually been arrested, and so S had no choice but to report her. S also told me that this was a nightmare for her patient because then she had to prove that she was competent so that she could go back to work, and then go back for another eval every 90 days to prove that she continued to be competent.

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Oh my God!  I think I'd run from her!  You don't seem to me anywhere near the level of incompetent, good grief!  Wow!  You'd think they'd be interested in HELPING you, not hindering you!  Wow!

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Pretty scary, huh? No wonder my friend the OT didn't want to see her! This woman was basically threatening me with something that could in effect end my career, having never seen me, and knowing nothing more than my name, my field, that I had been in a car accident and that I had once slipped and referred to the back seat of a car as the back yard of the car. Someone suggested to me that perhaps she is the one who should be reported to her board. No, I am nowhere near the level where competency is being questioned.

Well, I think I've gotten the attention of my doctor and chiro and they seem to be committed to working on a plan for the headache issue.

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I'm so glad to hear it, Laura!  And yes I agree about the woman, geesh!

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I also got a couple of other suggestions. I had a rice-filled cloth thing I was using at my dad's house to ice it with that hit the spot. I lost track of it and confused it with some other item that didn't work as well, but I looked in the freezer at his house today and there it was-the good one. Also, someone asked me if I had an electric massager you use yourself, and I remembered that I bought one for next to nothing at a garage my dad's neighbor had. I never used it. But where could it be? Maybe still in his bedroom where I took it to test it? Yup! All the furniture's gone but there's still a lot of stuff everywhere.

Also someone suggested epsom salts (assuming I could remain still long enough for it to do anything). Also, the chiro suggested that I go back to doing the aqua aerobics classes and maybe have a brief sit in the jacuzzi afterwards. I used to love doing that before my life fell apart. He said that anything in the water would be good...

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I have had good success with magnesium oil.  You can buy it online just spray it on the areas you need or spray on your hand and massage in. I have used it about a year. Also my dad, sister, and BIL use it for muscle cramps and sprains.

I prefer to make my own Magnesium Oil: Here is the recipe:

      1   CUP Ancient Minerals Magnesium Bath Flakes

      1 CUP Distilled water
 
Dissolve the Magnesium flakes in the distilled water by heating in a glass bowl for two minutes.  Stir every minute.
Set aside to cool and pour into an empty clean spray bottle. 
 
This lasts  a long time and never goes bad.
 
====================================================
 
I have been taking a pico Magnesium supplement because I developed severe leg cramps at night.  After doing some research I have found that most of us have a magnesium deficiency and it can cause a multitude of symptoms and problems. You can actually get your blood tested to see what levels you are at. 
 
look for invisible minerals: Part 1
 
I wish I knew about this when my wife was alive.  She suffered from severe muscle cramps across the chest and diaphragm.  She used Magnesium Oxalate which tend to cause diarrhea at the proper dosage.  We spent a lot of time praying, massaging, and heating pads in trying to stop the muscle cramps. 
 
I hope this helps.  - Shalom
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I'm not sure what magnesium bath flakes are...sounds interesting, and so I ordered some on Amazon

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Magnesium Bath Flakes are Magnesium Chloride.  When dissolved in distilled water it makes Magnesium Oil.  It is not really an oil but it feels slippery. You can also use it in the bath water like Epson salts (Magnesium Sulfate) but it is pricey for that.

When it is applied transdermally ( on the skin) it is absorbed and helps replete your body with the essential magnesium It helps with cramps, sore, tight muscles, etc.  The best part is that when you apply it on your skin your body will only absorb what your body needs. Most of us are deplete of the essential magnesium required for our body to function optimally.     

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My headache continues and it's really starting to get to me. Actually the last two days it has been more intermittent than constant, which makes the triggers more clear. In addition to the neck tension, light and noise sensitivity seem to be a problem. Without thinking too much about it, I have avoided going out during the day when I don't have to, and in the evenings I am often to tired to go eat and so I eat what is in the house, or walk down to my dad's house after dark to see what he has in his freezer. Today I felt great until I went to the library (five minutes away) and dropped by my dad's house on the way home.

So I had a bad headache by the time I got home, and the neighbors in the condo next door were playing loud music for hours. All I could hear was the bass - boom boom boom. I tried going over to ask them to turn down the bass but they have a gate about ten feet from their door and it was locked, and so I had to just put up with it. Eventually it stopped but then resumed a while later. This time the gate was open so I went ant knocked. Their daughter came to the door and I was talking to her and she was amiably shrugging it off. I asked her if anyone else was there and she pointed to her friend (of the same age). I asked her if either of her parents were home and she said her mother was in the kitchen. I asked her mother the same thing and her mother was very defensive, saying the girls were having a dance party. I apologized and she said, "Look, we turned it down!" ...as in what do you want? and added that they had company coming ...as in I should disappear. 

I live in a condo and they are naturally very close together. I have tried to be a good neighbor and look the other way regardless what they ever did. The rule is against any cats or dogs being outside off-leash. My cat, of course, only leaves the house on leash and harness (I wouldn't risk it otherwise), but their cats like to hang out on my back patio, taunting my cat through the sliding glass door, and leaving white hair all over anything fabric I ever leave on my patio. He once bragged to me about how the dog catcher caught one of their cats and he somehow went down there and got hold of the cat and made off with it without paying the fine.

The parking is also very limited and everyone has two spots, generally one in their garage and one in a carport. They use their garage as an extra room and so they are always scrambling to figure out where to put their other car. They have parked it here & there, but often in front of our two garages, which share a common wall. I didn't really car about this for the last four years because I seldom opened my garage door and did not park in there, but told them that I would like them to stop parking in front of my garage this summer since I was moving and would be moving stuff in and out of the garage. They parked in front of my garage anyway and one day I had to wait 15 minutes for him to move his car from in front of my garage. I will eventually be parking my Corolla in my garage and the Mercury in the carport, after I clear the garage a bit. Then they will really have a problem, because I will be leaving for work from my garage and can't have their car parked behind mine...

Sorry about all the whining - it's just a thorn in my side and I am really tired of thorns in my side. I have had far too many...

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Your symptoms sound eerily similar to my niece after her car accident and concussion.  The doctors treated her for all kinds of different things until a specialist knew what er condition is.  I will check with her and ask for suggestions that I can pass on.  I get headaches when I don't drink enough water and sinus pressure headaches.  Essential oils help with the headaches too.  I will continue to pray for you healing and restorations. - Shalom

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