It's been a while since I've posted, but I need some neutral advice.
It's now 5 months from my BF's suicide, and I'm still feeling like my future is so uncertain. I am still waiting on some legal matters to be completed so I can apply for SS and military benefits for my daughter. I just returned to work from maternity leave, so my bank account is slowly climbing again, but the expenses are still coming.
My lease is up in November, but I don't know what I'm going to do without the benefits. I can't apply for places in case I can't afford them or be able to commit. I'm guessing I may have to put my items in storage and stay with someone?
My inlaws live over 3 hours away, and I don't talk to my parents. I keep feeling overwhelmed about the baby, and whether I am going to be able to handle being a parent. She's a good baby, but I just feel so stuck, and it's even more difficult with family so far away. I have lots of friends, but I don't want them to feel obligated or like I'm pawning the baby off on them, so I'm usually hesitant to ask for help.
I feel like I'm the last to know about family events and happenings lately. They had bought tickets for an event, but the type they bought were unavailable when they eventually asked me to go. I was also especially hurt because my daughter was not in the family photos at a major event. Maybe I'm overreacting here, but things like that irk me. She's the last piece of him left.
I really wish I could have a week to grieve and just be by myself. No phone, no baby, and no responsibility.
I come home from work, and don't feel like dealing with the baby. I've considered giving her to his family if I am still feeling this way several months from now. I'm not sure if I can handle this whole parenting and grieving thing, but I do feel like I would miss her to a certain extent if I did choose that option. I also fear some of my family members wouldn't speak to me if I went that route.
I just don't know what to do. Any constructive advice is welcome. Thanks for hearing me out. I needed a safe place to vent tonight.