kath

I'm sick and feeling sorry for myself. I miss not having anyone take care of me. What would have been my 22nd wedding anniversary is also coming up at the end of this month. So, that has been on my mind a lot...just one more shattered dream. I thought I'd watch our wedding video and have a good cry. I did. Then the kids wondered why they never get to see it. (They have, but weren't interested because they weren't in it.) So, I settled us all on the bed in front of our 3" screen with a box of tissues. (I no longer have a VHS player on the TV, had to drag out the car player.) The kids lost it, and not because their dad looked so handsome. My glasses in 1986 were as big as my face and they couldn't contain their laughter. So, we watched every home movie we have. Seeing their dad didn't bring tears of sorrow, but rather they got to see someone that was really active in their lives. I hope some day I can be as "childlike" as my kids and see what I've had instead of what I've lost.

Dear Jan, The same thing happened to me with Bob's brothers. They were always really close and for years talked to each other every day. Towards the end of Bob's illness, they stayed away, but apparently talked amongst themselves. The older brother wanted Bob treated at the Mayo Clinic. With living several hours away and having a full-time job, two kids in school and an ailing dog, I didn't think I could arrange the travel and childcare, so I opted for a hospital closer to home. Then he died. I don't know if a better hospital would have made a difference. His brothers are grieving in their way and have to deal with their own issues. One will call monthly to see what repairs need to be done. I get no emotional support from him and he is very uncomfortable if I cry or am upset. We had our first Christmas at the other one's house and Bob's name was never mentioned by anyone. That hurt the most. He would have been the one they joked with. His escapades have been legends in his family as long as I knew them. I realized that regardless how much he looked like his brothers, his personality was totally different. He was the best of the bunch. Also, after talking with Bob's daughter who is really struggling, she doesn't call when she misses her dad, because we were inseparable and I remind her too much of him. It is just too painful. So, whatever is going on with your in-laws, I think learning to live again requires us to reach out to new people. You are doing just that. Kath

Thank you, everyone. In all fairness, I love my family and am sure they have tried the best they can. I know I wasn't the supportive person to friends along the way either. We just don't know how to help until we are in this situation. One thing I noticed from the pages, Marty, is that we get really self-absorbed in our own grief. I can see myself after the funeral with people talking and not hearing anything they said. It was like watching a silent movie. I still relate almost everything that happens these days to what I've gone through. By telling my story, am I being selfish? I want to be able to offer help and people from my church have asked me to start a grief group there. We totally need one. The only group within 30 miles from here only meets once a month. Everytime I get to where I think I can move forward to help, I get blind-sided by emotion. I tried going to a funeral where I didn't really know the person that died, but knew that while she was suffering from cancer, she sent a meal to my family. I was blown away by her kindness and hoped to show some support for her family. The ages of her children were very close to mine and I cried uncontrollably through all of it. Not much help there, I guess.

Dear Rosemary, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Life after death really challenges those of us that are left behind. I'm 49 and I can relate to both worrying about if anyone will ever be able to love me again and being repulsed at the thought of being with anyone besides my husband. Someone told me almost right away that I should find another man. I couldn't believe what they were saying! I didn't just want a man, I wanted mine back. I wanted the man that knew everything about me and loved me anyway! Looking back, I'm pretty sure he was trying to help and, because he cared, he did not want me to be alone. Well, alone is what it is for awhile. Can you imagine having the energy for a relationship right now? There's no way. You need this time, to sleep, to cry, to heal. Pat yourself on the back for getting out of bed every day and getting to work. It is very difficult. It was all I could do most days to walk in and get past the "good mornings" and "how are you's?" If you can, try to celebrate your little successes. I was proud of myself for fixing my first flat tire. It was a huge fear before it happened...who would I call? How would I fix it? It required me to reach out to neighbors that were more than willing to lend a hand, but I had to make the call. I'm sure you've faced many hurdles on your own also. Having children adds to the exhaustion. I constantly worry about what they are going through and I have good deal of guilt that they are not getting the attention they deserve. I don't even know what I fed them the first several months because I'd forgotten how to cook. I'd even burn soup! As unfair as Bob's dying feels to me, I can't help but think it is worse for them. I think a lot about if it is better to have loved and lost...and I have to say it is. I'm a better person because I was loved. Take care. Kath

For the longest time I felt like most people just don't understand the magnitude of heartache that comes with losing your spouse. I have tried many times to reach out to my family when I hurt the most and I get more and more disappointed. I think they keep trying to cheer me up more than let me talk. For instance, I was flooded with memories after camping near our first home. All I could think of was the hundreds of walks and bike rides we took. The holding hands, the dog run, the bonfires in the backyard...the memories were overflowing. It sent me into another great depression. I called my mom to talk. She told me all the usual stuff like, "Did you see him? He was with you." etc. It made me mad, because the reason I was so sad is that he isn't with me!!!!!!!! Finally, I talked to a woman who was 'assigned' to me from church through the befriender program. (I'd released her from her befriender duties a while back because I wanted a friend, not a responsibility.) I love this woman. She instantly recognized the importance of the love that results from having time alone together. By her acknowledging that, made all the difference. Then I realized, my family can't relate. Their marriages ended in divorce instead of death. I know it is still a painful loss, but it is different. I've been missing my grandma more and more through all of this. She died a few years ago, but was a widow for almost my whole life. I know she'd understand. Because she, too, lost her best friend at an early age. My marriage wasn't perfect. We had 26.5 years together with a short separation in the middle of it so we could each get our act together. Our children came after that, when the reconciliation and trust were renewed. I was floored that the lonliness I felt this time around still went so deep. It's like an all too familiar knife in the stomache. I've been spending more time on this site. If there is one thing I can tell, you all get it. I'm sorry and grateful that you do. Kath

Dear Sad, My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. My husband also had diabetes and was suffering from liver failure. The meds they gave him to control the toxicity in his blood started to shut down his kidneys. He was admitted on a Tuesday. He kept telling me "They got the wrong guy. I don't feel sick." The doctors at our local hospital said he needed to be seen at the U of M and evaluated for a liver transplant. The U of M disagreed, saying he wasn't sick enough. By Friday, they let me transfer him and they started a battery of tests. It was a major holiday weekend, so they were short staffed, but ran through them as best they could. He kept getting sicker. The following Tuesday, I met with the transplant specialist and was told he would be added to the list that afternoon and as bad as he was, he would be at the top of the list. By this time, he was having trouble breathing and was put on a ventilator. They were going to move him to a different room to moniter him better. I said good-bye and had to leave to get my children to their activities. His daughter stayed to see him get settled in the new room. When I got home, we cheered that their dad had made the list. We were optimistic. A half-hour later I got the call from his daughter saying he coded. They worked on him all night, but it didn't make a difference. He was no longer getting blood flow to his organs. In the morning, we let him go home to the Lord. I also, refused the autopsy as they had poked and prodded enough in the four days he'd been there. I couldn't bear to put him through any more. It hasn't been an easy journey, but I have learned that we go on. I do my best to embrace my grief and my kids are doing really well. They are my greatest blessing. The tears are a constant companion. I loved how Frank McCourt says in his book "Teacher Man" that it is because I am wearing my "bladder near my eye." I feel your pain and I have hope you will find the help you need. I learned that my faith in God is not dependent on living a trouble free life. I pray He is there for you. Keep on talking here. You don't need to go through this alone. Kathy

What a great resource, Marty! In Minnesota, the funeral parlors sponsor Camp Amanda for children and teens. It was a wonderful weekend for my kids to connect with others that have lost a sibling, parent or grandparent. They also had a seminar for adults off-site that detailed how children respond to grief at different ages. They provided a lot of insight into what they were going through. For my children, it was an opportunity to see that they weren't the "only ones" that lost a parent. Their website can be found at http://www.campamandaminn.com/.

After bringing up a memory of my husband, a friend had asked if I always think of him when things are bad. My response was, "No. I think of him all the time." This is a poem I wrote in response to that day... Why is it when I plant a seed in early spring anticipating the flower it will bring, I think of you? Why is it when the day is done, and the cherubs tucked in with a kiss and a yawn, I think of you? Why is it when I drive alone from a trip due north or hear of a death before a birth, I think of you? Why is it when our child's on stage or I try to read books but just stare at the page, I think of you? Why is it when I shovel snow or mow the lawn, facing the rays of sun at early dawn, I think of you? Why is it when I walk the drive to get the mail or peddle my bike down a familiar trail, I think of you? Why is it when I set the table and see your place and close my eyes to say the Grace, I think of you? Why is it when the lightning pierces the dark of night, and Caitlin's tears reflect her fright, I think of you? Why is it when your truck is sold and Zeus left this earth because he was old, I don't want to live without you? Why is it when I dial your cell phone to hear your voice and struggle daily when making a choice, I long for you? Why is it when the silence of you deafens my ears and the lack of your hugs bring me to tears, I want only you? Why is it when the words of a song that cinch my heart, make me ponder the year we've spent apart, and I miss you? Why is it when laughter threatens to split me in two, Mike's gotten taller, nearly filling your shoe, I smile for you? Why is it when the winds of October send shivers of cold, anniversaries pass and we'll never grow old, I pray for you? Why is it when your pillow sits empty at the end of each day and I can't understand why you went away, I sob for you? Why is it when my mind wraps around your memory and wonders why my friends don't see, that in everything, I think of you? by Kathleen Loeffler

Thank you, everyone! I had always thought I had to present myself in the way I was before Bob's death. It never occurred to me to present the skills I've learned since then. I know I am not the same person. Every aspect of myself has changed, from the way I define who I am to what I know I am capable of doing. And Fred, you are right...I don't want to work for the same kind of boss I had before. My fears sometimes get the best of me; especially when the whole weight of my family's security lies on me. I appreciate the advice and the links. Thanks again. Kath

Dear Tears, Be gentle with yourself. You have a lot to deal with. I thought I was doing pretty well until I camped very near the place we lived for seventeen years. The flood of memories came rushing back and along with it the loneliness. We were only at our present home a few years when my husband became ill and died shortly after. My friends are not "our" friends and the memories are all new. I'm also in need of a job, but just the thought of working full time overwhelms me. If you can, take time for yourself. Focus on finding a good support group. From what I can tell, this is a good first step. Kath

Dear rgangel, I saw your post last night for the first time. I was searching for posts entered near the date of my husband's death. He died the day he was supposed to be put on the list for a liver transplant. Until then, his doctors told me he wasn't sick enough to be evaluated. My son just asked me why they couldn't keep dad on life support until a liver became available. Your pain shows me that there are no guarantees. I believe we are given the intense feelings of loss only when we are able to handle them. It may be you haven't been given the people in your path that are best able to support you when you are dealing with it. Don't try to fit into a "norm", whatever feelings you have are okay. Take care, Kath

Hi. My husband died 16 months ago and I was fired from my job 5 months after he died because I was disorganized and lacked follow-through. (Go figure, the love of my life was gone after 27 years...disorganization was the least of my many concerns.) At first, it felt like a gift. I finally had time to myself to grieve and time to help my young children regain their footing as well. It's almost a year later and when I do get an opportunity to interview, the question comes up about my last job or what I have done for the past year. I can't tell them that I have just been trying to breathe on a daily basis. And I don't want to get into my husband's death as an excuse, because it changes my confidence. It also lets my prospective employer know that I have issues. Any suggestions? I have been reading your posts for several months and finally got the courage to sign up. The things you all have shared are an inspiration. You really are amazing and wonderful. Kath

I came across this after having a very tough weekend of "going it alone." I remember this from ER and how beautiful I found it even then. It describes perfectly how I feel. My son, also, wears his dad's smile.