kath

Rochel, "With God's wisdom comes a remarkable absence of fear." Beautifully put, my dear. Thank you, Kath Psst...Ted, I'll be saying an extra prayer for you Saturday. May God's healing touch wrap you with peace and strength on your visit.

Dear Kat, I run into those situations quite often and the only way through is to cry it out. (Did I ever tell you my bat story?) I can't even load the salt for my water softener so all of us our walking through the winter scratching and dry. With a house, two kids, a full time job with an hour commute and a crazy dog, the work is endless. I try to keep everything going and realize I can't live up to "our" standards alone. So, if the driveway gets plowed, the dishes don't get done. And if I have a mountain of laundry, the car will stay dirty, and if the garage is clean, the house is trashed, etc., etc. It's probably a good thing my friends don't stop to visit. They'd think I've given up for good. Thanks for giving me the visual of plants and warmth. We've been immersed in -11 degrees (before factoring in the wind chill) for weeks and I'm tired of freezing. It has to warm up to snow tomorrow so, that will be my reprieve. I'll be thinking of you when I snowblow! Kath

Dear Derby, I will be praying for your strength and focus as you continue your classes. I applaud you for facing your mountain! Kath

Dear Susie, This really is a beautiful story. What an honor for that family to incorporate your tremendous loss in the midst of their celebration. My husband went into septic shock within an hour of being told he made the "list." He would have received the first available liver. I can only imagine the gift you and your husband gave that man and his family. Thank you for sharing this with us. Congratulations to you, too, for being able to embrace this letter with love and respect. Kath

"I keep pictures of him around but am I beating myself up by hanging on to these ever so brief videos?" I don't think you are beating yourself up at all. Even the smallest glimpse of them keeps them physically near to us and that is all we want really...to have them close by again. I laughed at Duke's non-technical ability and was reminded how Bob couldn't tape a voice message. He would sound so awful or forget what he wanted to say and re-do it again and again that I would have to lock myself in another room to keep him from hearing me laugh. Of course, he'd hear me then he'd start laughing and we'd both be rolling just trying to make a voice message. His last one was no exception and it sounded like a frog croaked it for him. He never changed it because it took him twenty times to get one where there wasn't bust-a-gut laughter going on in the background. I called his cell a million times and nearly kept our contract in force just so I wouldn't have to lose it. Then I figured out that I could call his phone and my new one at the same time and record his message onto mine. After a few dozen attempts, it worked and I had that to listen to again and again until I accidentally deleted it. So, maybe you'll need to consider the source of this response, but it all sounds perfectly normal to me.

Dear Tigereye, I am sorry for the loss of your dear father. It is really awful to go through. I'm sure he would have desparately wanted to be the one to walk you down the aisle. My daughter is only 13 and this is one occasion I already carry the heartache for her. It has been a few months for you. I hope you have been able to see signs of his presence in your life...dragonflies, butterflies or something near and dear to you. I believe our loved ones are close and can still see us. We are at a disadvantage because we want to see them, the way they were, and that isn't possible. I have known people that have had something special for their dad in a prominent place in the wedding ceremony. One friend had both her dad's motorcycle helmet and her fiance's dad's helmet up front. Another had special flowers placed on the altar for all the loved ones that could not be there, except in spirit. Please talk more here. It is a good place to vent and share. I will be waiting to hear what you do. He'll be there, I have no doubt about that. Love, Kath

Valley, I love what you said..."I actually am who I am, because of all our years together and the fun and encouragement he offered me those many years." I feel the same way. I attended a wedding ceremony and during Father's blessing, he said, that the couples new job was to make them a better husband and wife. That hit home because our marriage was more than "completing" each other. Being with Bob made me want to be better, for him. I get kind of sluggish not having him here and then catch myself doing things the way he would have wanted me to. I also loved this... "P.S. Not exactly on your topic, but many years ago, I noticed that when I laid in bed my hands were fists. I made a conscious choice and then a new habit of letting my fingers reach out...because I got it into my head that my energy needed to be able to travel out of my hands at night when I went to sleep. that it would help me sleep more peacefully. To this day, if I feel my hands pull in, make a fist, I make myself let my fingers loose." What a great visual to release "useful" energy instead of keeping it locked up, creating inner turmoil. It reminded me of a dream catcher in a way...allowing the negative thoughts to flow through and trapping what is good and peaceful. And I think you are right about us (your mom) being more than our past. After so many years, they all blur into one. We hold onto our past because it becomes us, through influence and time and love. We are our battle scars, our regrets and even our failures. But, we are not done yet. Now comes the work Marty referred to! Take care, Valley. And thank you! Love, Kath

Dear Shelley, After my husband died, I had a horrible dream full of violence and fear. It had nothing to do with Bob or anything I had experienced in life but left me in a great deal of distress. A counselor explained that I was really vulnerable at the time and this dream encompassed that vulnerability. Go back to your first interpretation of your first dream; "I think too that the dream might be talking me that my parents are okay to be on their own and that they know that I am doing okay too... So i know that they are happy and that I feel ready to deal with the ashes now... But I need for it to happen and the closure to begin..." This was inspirational to me. Being ready to do something doesn't mean being free from doubt or fear. In fact, real bravery happens when we are fearful of something and do it anyway. If you are thinking a lot about your parents and grandparent at this time, maybe this dream is preying on your vulnerabilities by acknowledging that fear. Let us know how you do with your parents ashes. God bless you, Kath

Dear Marty, Thank you for giving many more things to read and think about. I love the idea of unclenching my fist and letting go of pain. You also described in your last paragraph those people I have met that have helped and inspired me to move forward. You are so good at this!

Dear Walt, This is a beautiful tribute to your beloved Jeannie. My heart aches for you. Take care, Kath

The longer I work through my grief, the more I think that the whole thing is a process of letting go. It sounds much easier than it is because everything inside me has fought to hang on...to the memories, the gifts, the anniversaries, the pictures, the touch. I imagine families that have lost everything in a fire...having to start over without the "things" that described who they were and what they were about, even the stories of where they had been. The feeling we get from losing our loved one is really quite similar; complete abandonment, total nakedness and a heart destroyed by fire. The weird thing is, after shuffling through the ashes, I am feeling a bit more complete. A little wiser, somewhat stronger and lots more observant. I've met people along the way that have had the capacity to see hearts. They were definitely special and a gift to meet. They were few and far between and our relationships, though short, touched me in ways I will never forget. Was it pain and loss that brought them to that point? I know of one that referred to that early on in our meeting. While we will never have the answers, will we be given the purpose? Will we someday be able to see hearts? I'm guessing, Marty, that you already do and that is what prompted your involvement here. Just curious, Kath

Dear Greta, Welcome to our loving, supportive family. There is no "too late to grieve" in our world. Each day, each hour, each minute can bring us right back to where we started. Your post touched me. The pills and the wine, that is what started my healing years ago, from addiction. Though my plan was never carried out, it showed me how crazy my life was and how I needed something new, it was certainly not working the way it was. Fast forward ffifteen years, and I haven't had a drop of liquor or a prescribed narcotic since. Freedom carries some big responsibilities, facing our hurts without numbing and allowing a higher power to work through us. I lost my husband two and a half years ago. Our lives were far from perfect, but our love was complete and total. It is certainly different walking without him by my side, but through the support of the people on this site, and a strong faith community, I am still putting one foot in front of the other. I am sorry for your losses and will pray that you continue to let us walk with you. Take care, Kath

Dear Leeann, I hope you slogged through the holidays okay. I am glad they are done, except for seeing Bob's daughter and her husband. (The snowfall kept them away - go figure...the only people I had really wanted to spend time with.) The kids and I baked our Christmas cookies on New Years day and they certainly don't taste the same. I wish I understood more about the grieving process when Bob was alive. We talked some, but looking back I'm sure there were times that he didn't share because I was doing my own happy dance and he wouldn't want to bring me down. Now I can only wish upon the stars. One good thing that has come out of all this for me is I don't hold back giving people compliments or hugs or anything. If a kind word crosses my heart, I let them know, even to strangers. That has really blessed me right along with them. I guess our goal is to live life without regret. I regret I didn't realize that sooner! I am happy to see you posting again. You are probably really young but carry the wisdom of the ages! Have a good day. Kath

Dear Marsha, Eighteen months and your anniversary...I imagine you are doing your best to get through it. You and Joe had an incredible journey together. I know he is with you in spirit today and I hope you can hold onto the memories that give you strength and let go of the ones that cause your heart to clench. I've been thinking about couples that get married on New Years. You must have been one fun-lovin' duo! My prayers are with you, today, Marsha. Take good care. Kath

Linda, You've been slammed with some really big anniversaries in a short time. Yes, what you are feeling is normal. It is these times that grief work becomes too much of a reality. It won't always feel this bad, but the waves can definitely capsize us. I found a grief support group to be really helpful in the first year, though I haven't been able to continue because of my job. Having face to face contact, especially through tears, helped so much. It was there I met people that experienced firsthand the love and loss that I had. They got it. By being there and sharing their stories, even when I couldn't talk, was a trememdous support. I encourage you to look for one in your area. I was 48 years old and most everyone else was between 70-90. Age didn't matter. They knew my pain and were there to listen. Just like here, but with live hugs. Kath

Dear Sharon and Babs, Being fixated on the last moments, days or even weeks was all I could do for several months. It was like none of the other 27 years even happened because I couldn't see past the ending. It takes a great deal of time and energy as your mind tries to wrap around the horror of it, but there will be a day when your memories are more encompassing than that. Keep posting and sharing. I (like many others) am praying for you during this most awful time. Kath

When I had my son in the clinic because we thought he broke his finger on the 24th (what holiday would be complete without a trip to the emergency room?) they took him to x-ray just across the hall. I could hear the tech ask him what he had got his mom and dad for Christmas. He told her "candy" and she asked which one of us liked candy. He replied, "They both do." My sister came over that afternoon and I told her what had happened. I wondered if he was in denial. She said that it may be he is just choosing who to share the important things with. I haven't done that to any great degree. (More so in the beginning.) Now, I pretty much tell people and let them deal with their own discomfort. I think it would be less disappointing to go my son's route.

Thank you, Babs, for the wonderful thoughts this new year. Knowing we were loved is a great feeling to hold onto. I was at the wedding reception for a friend last night and as people were urging me to line up to catch the bouquest, I looked at all the "young" women there and said they are the ones "that deserve a chance at love. I've had it and it was good." Kath

Ted, I live in a small town,fairly close to the cemetery. It is situated in an area where you can see the elementary, middle and high schools - assuring us that he is near to the kids as they move forward. I had to plant my own grass on his grave so I visited twice a day (it was a reallly hot summer) to water the seed. My sister lovingly joked that he had become my Chia pet. I also brought my kids there at any time of day or night when they felt they needed it. It has most definitely become a source of peace for me. I have many talks, many tears and even stop to share good news or worries. Early on I wanted to just lay there with him but was afraid of being carted off. Not long after I saw a photo of a widow doing that exact thing one Memorial Day. It depends what you are comfortable with. I know Bob is no more in that grave than in my bed, but it is his final resting place and a big chunk of my heart is buried there also.

I was down last night after spending the day with Bob's family. After all, they are all still happily married and joking away the same as always. My dad called to thank me for his gift I gave him the night before. He asked how I was, I said I was missing Bob and he said, "Well, I just called to say thanks. Bye." At two and half years, there are moments that not only feel very fresh, but remind me that I have to do this on my own. It is for that reason I put my faith in God, and not in man. There has never been a time where He hung up on me in my time of need.

Dear Em, I think one of the things that has actually helped my recovery is that we moved a few years before Bob died, so my day to day surroundings don't have the many years of memories behind them. I have had times when I have had to return to places we spent a lot of time at and each one is met with a great deal of trepedation and anxiety. Do I cry at the memories, oh yeah, but like Boo said, they are places of a happier time and I cherish those. It has been healing in that they remind me of what our life together was instead of staying stuck in the last few weeks and years of Bob's illness. None of this is easy, Hon, but I believe we are given small doses to help ease the burden. It is difficult, but necessary. We can't shut out the hurt, as much as we would like to. But our strength comes in facing what was and holding onto the good that came from it. That said, I was not able to return to the hospital where he died. He was there only a few days and I have only negative memories of it. Let us know how you did. Kath

Dear JRM, I think there is a peace that comes with the gravestone being in place. They are no longer just a memory, but a physical presence that we can once again visit. It will tell generations that he was here, on this earth for 56 years. That was important to me; to let others know that he was here, and won't be forgotten. I custom ordered my husband's stone also and there was an added surprise when it arrived. One side had two pine trees next to my name and his had three. Bob had three children, but only two were with me, so it fit beautifully, even though I never specified how many trees to have. Our children took pride in seeing "themselves" included by our names. It is a legacy in a way. We used to say rather jokingly, that only the rocks live forever. There is a sense of permanence in the headstone that I appreciate. In that, I find peace.

There has always been sadness after Christmas is over for me. I'm physically exhausted and I'm not done yet. Bob's family gathers today. We got the snow I'd hoped for. I had forgotten all the work that comes with it! It is beautiful and isolating and the exact thing that makes me think of Bob. Congratulations on getting through this week. It is an incredibly difficult journey and one that absolutely requires the strength of friends and family. You are all so very special! Kath

Thanks, Debbie. I need to remember to take time for myself; even those small breaks can set the pace for an entire day. I'm glad you have found an outlet to rely on. Peace to you this morning, Kath

Christmas hugs and blessing to all of you. Wishing you all comfort and peace. Love, Kath