kath

Dear Teny, You are not alone at all. It's 33 months for me and I have nothing to replace the hole left in my heart since Bob's passing. I function well. I get up each day and go to work. I have to stay focused because of my kids, but each day of not having Bob here to talk with, laugh with, joke with, hold, brings me more sadness. I miss him greatly and even this morning acknowledged that not one day goes by without thinking of him. Today I thought of all the times we bought each other the same CD. We were always so in sync with each other. I miss him so much. Kath

Vickie, There's that old saying, "Be careful what you wish for!" Time is a funny thing to me, when I don't have it I wish for more and when I do have time on my hands, I can't wait for it to be filled with activity. I'm happy your dauhgter and your grandkids are starting to find their new normal. It really is good for them to work this out together. A good visual for me was when someone said a family is like a mobile. We are spinning and moving in sync with one another and then suddenly, your spouse dies and is plucked away from the mobile. You bounce around reckless and erratic and it takes a long time to regain that balance. It sounds like your life as you've come to know it is being plucked away, too. Be patient with yourself. It won't always feel like it has to be all or nothing. You will come to find your own balance again. Enjoy time with your hubby. It is one thing many of us here wish we had. Kath

Initially, I think a lot of us feel numb to the loss. You are fortunate to recognize the peace that comes with prayer. That trust is remarkable for taking away our fears. A lot of times, our faith is greatly shaken by such a loss. Then after a while, it seems to grow deeper than ever before, if given the chance. I had what I thought was an extreme calm during my husband's illness and eventual death. I prayed for God to wrap His arms around him and I believe He answered those prayers. Bob was free from any fear of death. His complete serenity gave me hope. I felt "held" as well. It didn't take away the agonizing pain of my broken heart, but it got me through the initial stages in tact. Hold onto those feelings and put your trust in them. God does take care of widows and we are never totally alone. There will be times where we don't feel it so much and the lonliness is unbearable, then a gentle reminder will come our way again. I am sorry for your recent loss. Knowing we will be with them again some day is a comfort not everyone can appreciate. I don't know of any books just on this, but Marty has a list of books on this site that are worth looking into. Take good care, Kath

Dear Beautiful, Your post struck me as I went through something similar after my husband died. My sisters each took a turn staying with me for the first week. That was all. Then they were gone. "Kath was going to be alright." During the first year, one sister went through a horrible divorce. She stayed with me for a little while, looking for some solace. I gave it to her and even opened my heart to understand her loss. At a year and a half my nephew died. It devastated my entire family. All my (4) sisters have children the same age as my nephew (except mine are much younger) and they could totally relate to the pain and sorrow my brother and his wife and daughter faced. I could, too, and having my recent experience had hoped to help my SIL and gave some unappreciated advice to family on what helps, what doesn't. This Christmas was the one year angelversary for my nephew. Again, my sister was here and we were talking about my brother's family. I made the comment that my SIL looked better, that she wasn't wearing the "face of grief" as much. I recognized the face after seeing it reflected back at me for so long. My sister said in a huff, "Well, it's only been a year!" And I was taken aback by that. How could she not know I understood? And where was she with all her understanding when I was at a year? I totally get the vibes that I should have moved on long ago. Strange how even those that you think know us the most, understand us the least. You are a good friend. The worst loss is when it happens to you. It isn't selfish to talk about it, it's required to heal the broken heart. Even in her deepest pain, my sister-in-law apologized to me. She really didn't know what to say after my Bob died. She didn't get it. Sadly, now she understands too well and I wish she didn't.

Dear Sharon, It is hard to believe that everyone close to us isn't on the same page. Really, how could a friend or family member not know???? While it is beyond our understanding, what happens is we are consumed with every moment, every detail, every day leading up to the tragic ending and they aren't. They are able to move on with their lives, with or without some recognition, but not nearly as intense as the roller coaster we've been put on. I think part of our new normal is seeing our grief as really personal, a solo journey. Your friends didn't know every nuance of your relationship, so of course they won't know every step of your grief, either. It will be your decision to alienate those that don't seem to get it, or to keep them around for when you want to be able to step away from the reality of it. I'll be praying for you as you face this anniversary. None of it is easy, that's for sure. For myself, I wanted so badly to blame someone for the unfairness, I unintentionally took it out on those closest to me. One year is so very difficult. It is living with the finality that sets us back, over and over again. It's true we rewrite our address books after a loss. I started writing mine in pencil. (It's easier to erase.) Take good care, Kath

You are so right...it isn't fair. I haven't lost a brother, but I did lose my spouse, my best friend, my cohort and my sounding board on every decision. So, you lost it, but you did accomplish something really major...buying a car! Are you kidding me, I freaked out having to buy tires for mine! You did what you had to do (and really well from the sounds of it.) I'm sorry you won't have help getting your daughter places. I'm sorry you lost such a good friend. I understand how tough it is right now, the realization. Congratulations on getting through a huge milestone. Your brother can't be replaced. He'll always be remembered. And it will never be fair. Kath

Dear Lost1, I think the best way to get over the guilt is to walk through it. While you are there, take time to forgive yourself for doing the best you could at the time. (None of us knew what the future held.) Be patient with yourself when you are angry or restless or anxious. I understand wanting your children to have the relationship you enjoyed, my kids will not get to spend their 2nd decade with their dad. I guess it is up to us to keep the memories alive for them. Talk with them, share the good things they did and the funny things they said. Let them know they were always loved by them. I can't change the feeling that they were robbed of their relationship. I can only help them realize that they had the best and he expected the best of them. Mine see their dad in their dreams and hear his voice when they are troubled. He'll always be their hero. And keep talking here. It helps the gentleness sink in. Kath

Being this Sunday is Valentine's Day, I am, of course, consumed with memories of my love on this day. The first year, we got into Cross Country Skiing, so I gave Bob a pair of knickers. We headed to the Black Hills of S. Dak. and rented a cabin and went skiing. As I followed him, I couldn't help but think how he looked just like Benny Hill in his short pants. It was the funniest thing. And he was so cute. It was a good day. Thank you, Bob, for some really great memories of time spent with you. I wish it could have been longer for us, but I hold onto those times as the best of my life. Always yours, Kath

I hope yours is a happy day today, Shelley. And Marty and Walt, too. This family is filled to the brim with special people. My heartfelt love goes out to each of you as you celebrate your birthdays! Kath

Dear Cyndey, "How do you go through the most traumatic thing in life without your best friend, the love of your life to talk to about it. " With a lot of tissues, shoulders and perseverance. It is the lonliness that is the worst right now. Surround yourself with caring people. They may not know what to say. That's okay. It is just being there that will lend you strength. Kath

Dear Kim, I'm glad you found us, but also am very sorry for your loss. Time and love does change us, it just takes a long time. There is no grief calendar that says you will feel better on the 15th of whatever month. It is all about you right now. Will you ever smile again, without pain? Yes. Will you laugh, without the guilt? Yes. Will you find pleasure in the little things? Yes. Will you remember your love without tears? Yes. But maybe not every time and every second or even every day. So we learn to accept the sadness as part of who we are and we cherish the momentoes and memories, because it keeps them part of our heart. I can't speak for a future past 2 years 8 months, but I do know the incredible, exhausting, heart wrenching pain that engulfs us in the beginning does not last forever. Grief is a labor of love. We're here to help you hold on. Kath

John, My son used to say, "Mom, don't you just feel like we are air?" It seemed to fit so well with what you are saying. We're here, not involved or part of or even feeling like we belong. We exist, much like air. Hang in there, it changes. Kath

Dear Marsha, Happy, happy birthday to you! I agree 100% with Vickie. You are a fantastic lady and it is my honor to have met you. I wish I could visit your deli. We're in the midst of another winter storm. I'm hoping to celebrate your birthday with a day off due to weather. Wishing you all the best of warmth and cheer tomorrow! Kath

Dear Linda, I definitely remember that time. I wrote "Why I think of you" in the poem section just for that. I had to say his name. I thought of him constantly. I didn't want to be the wet blanket either, but that is who I was. It even bothered my son that I would talk about his dad, even joking at times as I remembered the good things. I told him that is how we keep him alive in our hearts. We need to talk about him, out loud, for all to hear. It's different now. I tend to mourn in silence, alone. This week I took a day off work to do just that. It all catches up to me at times. But you know, those that know me, came into my office for the rest of the week and very gently talked about their losses. I talked about mine and together, I got through it. One guy just asked about Bob, his illness, how it has been for me. Two others lost their moms really young. They are wonderful men and it gave me hope for my son. I see the other boys with their dads at Boy Scouts and they have advanced in ranks because they have their help. My son is pretty much on his own for those things. I am so proud of him, but as a mom I worry constantly what his lot in life will be. Don't worry about what others think of you right now. Do what you have to do. It is still about surviving and you are doing really well at that. Love, Kath

"Kay - 2 years July 1st for me. I guess I'm between a newbie and an oldie. All of you who have posted here: I have spent many a night going through posts from the past years. You've made me cry, and laugh. Thank you, and I miss everyone, too. Hugs, Marsha P.S., sometimes I think we should have a separate heading called "down the road" so we could share these memories as well. There's still a lot to talk about." Marsha, I'm not really sure where I fit either. I don't always feel ready to leave "Loss of a Spouse" and I don't often feel far enough along for a "New Beginning." It will be three years in May. It can't be true. I like the "Down the Road" tag. I wanted a heading called "Flopped Start" because it seems some days I just am not putting it together like I think I should. That's why it's so important to me to hear from the "oldies." There is like you said, so much more to talk about.

Dear Vicki, What an angel you are for your children and grandchildren. I didn't have the luxury of any full-time help so my children (aged 9 and 10 when their dad died) just floated along with me. That's when they both learned to cook some things on their own and they are really good about pitching in even now. Your daughter is going to be in a difficult place for a long time. There really is no way around it. As a mom, I can totally understand how you can pick up on her sadness. Young kids don't really let us dive too deep. They need constant and consistent care. Did they have any counseling or camp to go to after their dad died? That made a huge difference for mine, just knowing they aren't the only ones who lost a parent. What if you pulled back a little and helped out just a few days a week. While I'm sure they appreciate all you and your husband do for them, it may be good for them to have some time to connect with just each other, in their new roles. It sounds like you could use some time doing things you enjoy, too. Does your son live with you or his sister? Are there any support groups available through the hospital that can help him cope? I can see where your children look to you for strength and support. That can be exhausting for all you have been through. You really need to take care of yourself, too. I pray you can find that balance...without guilt. You deserve it. Kath

It seems so trivial, I know, to let a promotion get to me, but I think it has passed. I chose to stay home from work on Tuesday because I could not deal with one more demand on me. So, I finally was able to pack up Christmas. It was much harder doing it with the kids away. I saw each piece that we had collected over the years and saw my past and my future come to a screaching halt. So, I called a friend who lost her husband last year. And guess what? She announced she had met a friend and they go out for coffee and dinners. (She's 70 and says he's really old, but the conversation is so good for her.) Her recommendation, spend more time at the cemetery, because that's where they met. I thought that was so cute. Here she is encouraging me to get out and meet new people at the cemetery! I told her I was there alone one night when some running guy came up behind me, nearly sending me to my plot next to Bob. I glanced away for a split second and he was gone. At the time I was thinking I should stay away from there so as not to be caught alone like that again. She has me re-thinking that whole vulnerability thing. The guys at work were kind of at a loss when I didn't come in (which I also think is cute.) They didn't even unlock the front doors! I didn't give them a lot of info, just was pretty quiet and prone to easy tears. One brought me soup and a plant at lunch. Another scraped the snow off my car and taped up the tail light I broke. It made me really appreciate the care and concern from these people. There are so many times I feel entirely alone in this world, wanting nothing more than my best friend back beside me. Then these thoughtful things happen that make me realize that I really am not alone after all. There is comfort and care all around me.

Marsha and the fly! That is a classic. I bet even Joe would crack up over that! I sure did. Thanks, my friend. I needed that!

Oh, Mel. I am so sorry. Please know my prayers are with you and your family. Love, Kath

I haven't thrown out his medical records. I keep them with my tax backup. I do still have the calendar marking his appointments. I look at it on occasion trying to figure out how he could have been so sick and no one seemed to notice, even though he was seen by many "experts." It's simply incredulous. His clothes, I have mostly kept. I have plans to use his shirts to make a duvet for our son when I cover his bedspreads. As far as coats and shoes, well Mike can already fit his shoe, figure coats won't be far behind. And there are many. Coats and lamps seem to have been his fondest things to collect. I have a funny story to share. Mike had his first band concert and he wanted to look good...new white shirt, dress pants, tie and some black shoes. He didn't have any black shoes and wanted to look for some of his dad's. I found a pair and he wore them that night. As he was walking onto the stage, the entire sole fell off one of his shoes! I couldn't figure out what he was doing! A lesson to me is look things over before passing them on. Prescriptions were brought to a collection site after a year. I couldn't bear to throw out hundreds of dollars worth of insulin, but no one could take it, brand new, in the sealed box. A ridiculous waste. I'm at two and half years. The time to do it is when it feels right. I have no regrets in waiting.

Dear Korina, Please give Kailyn a big birthday hug from MN! If it helps, I have the worst times on my kids' birthdays, too. It is a huge reminder of a happier time, when he was here, and at his most wonderful. The look on his face when we were holding our babies was reason for falling in love a million times over again. And his absence from their growing up is terribly missed. I try to imagine he is still here. Watching them when I can't. Seeing their hearts when I can only see their actions. My children believe he is always with them. On their birthdays, I tell them the story of their birth. It seems they never get tired of hearing about it. Bob and I used to argue over the details and I'd be shocked, saying, "Remember me? I was there, too, ya know!" Then we'd laugh and correct each other all over again. Hold onto his memory, but really enjoy today. I wrote poems about what my kids were doing at one year old. I gave Cailtin's to her dad for his birthday, but it is framed, hanging in our bedroom. And please, send cake pictures! She is adorable and I see both of you in her. Take good care, Kath

Marty, That speaker said it so well. Marsha, I think you wrote a little while ago about customers that have come into your deli and opened their heart to acknowledge your grief. I've had experiences too where sharing something has brought up losses that others have shared with me. These have been at work, where it is normally joking or high stress. (Not too much in between.) It always softens me. To see that vulnerability in others. It bonds us as well, sadly, but in a gentle way. There is an understanding of the heart where loss is concerned. But it is exactly the knowledge that someone else's situation could be ours as well that moves us to action. That must be the reason for the hotdishes!

I listen to a Christian radio station and they have been promoting a marriage conference. It is for anyone in a loving relationship because, as they state, God's plan for us is to be in a committed marriage and not enough marriages in our society "make it to the last day." They go on to talk about the joys in loving someone... I love the music on this station, but the news of this conference sends me to the pits every time I hear about it. We were the fortunate few to see our marriages to the last day. There really is no joy in that although for a while it was comforting to me to know that we (Bob and I) made it. I wish I could call on him for dates. We would love to go to this conference together and celebrate the love that flowed from our relationship. So, if it was God's plan that we be wed until death, what am I supposed to do for the next 50 years?

Mary Linda, I keep coming back to read this. Thank you for sharing it. Kath