emptyinside

"As groundbreaking as her work in death and dying was, Kubler-Ross's "stages" model was never meant to apply to those who are in mourning. Her studies were focused on patients who were terminally ill and dying. That is a common mistake you will find repeatedly in the literature still today. But there has been a wealth of research done since Kubler-Ross' pioneering work that focuses specifically on bereavement, loss and grief." Marty, I wasn't aware of that! Everywhere I read it talks about the stages as applied to the grieving, so it feels like some kind of series I have to experience, ending in "Acceptance," and if I haven't reached these points in a timely fashion, I'm some kind of failure. Niamh, so glad the group wasn't as bad as you dreaded. I think as with any support group you have the right to take what you want to apply and discard the rest that you feel won't be helpful. After all, you know yourself best. (((Big Hugs)))

You're not alone there. I miss my my dad's responses so much. I can write down what my day is like, telling my dad something that happened, but the point is that HE'S NOT RESPONDING. Would he laugh at this part or the next sentence? What would he advise about this situation? If I recounted a joke, would he think it was hilarious or just chuckle? I'm so frustrated at having to imagine what he'd say or do. ((HUGS))

I understand that. I often get the urge to tell my dad news or hear something from him when I'd usually hear from him. I haven't found a way to stop feeling this way, though.

IMO, no. I feel gutted, and there's always this lost and empty feeling. It's just that sometimes I am distracted and don't think of it as much, but the emptiness is still there. I equate it to having a permanently broken arm or something. Sometimes I can distract myself so I don't think about it, but it's always there nonetheless.

Are you me? I could really relate to this. I am often baffled at people's insensitivity because I feel like I've gone through this huge trauma, and the least people could do is be nice. Is politeness dead? Sometimes a long sleep helps ease the anger, but sometimes the anger flares and it becomes really hard to control it.

I really hate myself. I feel like I'm this emotional headcase now that everyone probably sees as crazy. I don't like who I've become in grief. I just want to be well-adjusted and normal, like I used to be. Now I find myself crying sometimes, longing for the good old days when things were normal, and I'm just not happy. I can enjoy some things, but they're brief feelings. I feel there's a darkness that's riding with me all the time, and now I feel like such a weak loser. I don't really know who I am, but whoever this is, it's a disgusting person I don't want to live with.

Yes. I'm very sensitive to goodbyes or endings now.

Hello Antony, I echo Niamh's answer. It's minute by minute for me. I try not to think too much into the future (panic attacks happen when I do that), but it's so hard and I'm not always successful. What I do is probably what you're doing. I'm distracting myself. I try to read (but most of the time it's hard because my concentration sucks now), shop, watch lots of TV. I just try to do things that let me zone out and stop thinking. Plus I tell myself that it's okay to do things I like, that it's like a vacation for my mind that's been through hell. Don't have any advice because I'm struggling as well.

Just wondering if people here have found a profound difference in their grief with ADs or anti-anxiety medication? If so, how long has it been helping? Thanks.

Yup. I do.

I could have written this. The world does expect everything to just continue like before, while you're left alone, away from the person who loved you unconditionally. I'm sorry you have to feel this, too, Ooni.

Yes, I think we can. As I recall, there are studies that say you can die of a broken heart.

Ever think of something or get an idea and think for a split second how great it'd be to tell the person who passed away, then you realize the person is gone?

I'm a fixer, too, and I never thought this would happen. I always thought I could fix it somehow, through prayer, through information, through other people. Well, I failed, and I can't shake the feeling that I let my loved one down.

I realized I will have to go to this one place I've never been to except with my loved one. I can't get out of it, and I was just picturing myself there, what it was like last time, and it dawned on me that the last time I went there it was before he died. I had a panic attack at the thought. Somehow it just renews the grief in my head, so now I feel a little like I did after he died. Panic, shortness of breath, chest pains, feeling of being lost and stranded. If I'm having panic attacks at the thought of the place, I wonder how it will be for real? Has anyone successfully overcome their panic attacks either through prescriptions or otherwise? I'd love to hear people's stories.

Does anyone feel like they're going crazy because you're just a bundle of nerves? Sometimes I am so on edge I can't sleep at all. The grief comes back full force during these times. I don't know what my life is supposed to mean now.

Chai, Thank you for updating us. I am a people pleaser like you, so I understand your feelings about this. I'm just so glad you've found peace. Your peace of mind is the top priority now. Take good care of yourself, and I hope the trip is a good one. Em

LostDaughter, I relate to your post a lot. I find it difficult to handle myself emotionally, and on top of that I am disgusted at people's behavior and callousness. Can't really help, but I hope it helps a little to know people here understand.

Posted.

Do you ever wish someone could come into your life and replace your loved one? Not in the way where the new person 100% replaces him or her in your heart, but just someone who can represent that type of relationship so you don't feel as bad? Weird thought, I know.

Chai, You really hit the nail on the head. The divided love description and how our dads' love wasn't divided in the same way. Exactly. Exactly. That is what hurts so much.

I PMed you. What a difficult situation.

Having a bad day. I feel this insidious loneliness, like I'm not on the same wavelength as the rest of the world. It's like I have nothing holding me in a stable, secure spot, and my sadness seems never-ending. I look at old pictures of myself and don't recognize her. She seemed so happy and, well, NORMAL...and now I feel like an insane mess with a different personality. I feel like if I look in the mirror, I won't have a reflection. I don't know how to make this better. Has anyone improved at all from this feeling, if anyone relates? It feels endless.

I relate to what you wrote. I don't have experience with a friend losing a loved one, but when I lost one, I expected 100% support and understanding because this is one of the worst things that can happen to a person (I'm learning that this is a stupid expectation). When I'm alone, I feel such pain, and I just feel wrong all over, too scared to reveal too much in the future in case I ruin the rest of my friendships. I'm so self-conscious now. Am I talking too much? Too little? Do I act differently than I normally would? I try to pinpoint these differences so I can stop them, but it's hard to do it when you originate them.

I really understand the fear so well. It terrifies me.