emptyinside

Korina, what a great idea on the living situation. I really do understand that feeling.

I am having a hard time with this. I'm not too good with anything else in my world changing, and I feel like everything is upside down. Any tips on getting through the days or how to make the days less agonizing?

Has anyone else had someone else grieving someone or something (be it a person, pet, whatever) triggering difficult emotions in you that perhaps brought back bad memories, frustrations, anger, sadness, etc.? I know as a griever we should become more attuned to people's needs when they grieve because we become more compassionate, but sometimes is it possible your gut reaction is a negative one because being that "fresh" grief brought back bad memories? Not sure if this is making sense at all... Thanks.

Den's Gail, a friend of THIRTY years? I'm so sorry, especially when she was there for the death of one of your children! I don't understand that. How come she was there for the death of one of your children and not for the death of your husband? I'm so sorry you've had so much trauma in your life. I wish you the best outcome in coming off the medication, and I'm glad you have a few people who ARE helping and there for you. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I just don't know what to do...I really can't take more of this pain for very long. I was actually doing better, but with this abandonment I'm back to square one, but this time with no fuel to proceed. I only had one go in me, and I can't climb that mountain again.

"Be yourself. You learn to be selective in terms of who you talk to regarding your emotions and grief. So, I don't think it is a matter of trying to keep emotions under control because those who love you and care about you, will be willing to understand there are times you will feel one way or another and there is nothing wrong with that." Thank you, Daughter2010, for your thoughts. I appreciate your wisdom and insight, and I'm happy you found true friends. To be honest, though, for me I think people have limits. There are people who are there to listen, there to comfort you, but I let my grief get out of hand and got frustrated, allowing my emotions to erupt, which changed a friendship for the worse. I'm very remorseful about my actions, and I just wish I could go back and do things over. I will be more selective in sharing my feelings with, well, everyone, except on this board. I do not want to go through life alienating more people. It's destroying me, and I'm really at my lowest at the moment, very panic attack ridden, and regretful of my own actions. I'm definitely on a mission to try to be who I was before, when things were normal.

Yes, a long time. She has been there for me before, though, for the first year. Really listening and encouraging me. Now...poof. I can't stop crying...I messed it all up. I'll keep you posted. This is silly, but I'd appreciate some good energy or prayers that we'll work it out. Thanks for your kindness.

I think one of my friends isn't talking to me anymore. :/ I've always been careful not to talk about grief too much, often going several weeks acting normal. And this friend always encouraged me to be honest with emotions, but one night I got frustrated and cried and I think she disappeared on me. So much for "I'm always here for you, day or night. If you need anything, call me anytime." I feel ashamed I was so open. I'm going to be much much much more careful from now on! I've actually been practicing my "everything's great" face. I hope it works. I can't take more pain, and it's not fair that grief caused my world to change like that. I'm so embarrassed! I should have been more under control.

I have no advice. I just wanted to say I'm sorry; that's a whole lot to go through all at once. I hope you can find a few minutes to be at peace each and every single day.

I feel like a completely different person after the death. I have these characteristics I didn't have before. I'm overthinking everything. I'm unsure of everything. I take things more personally, even benign things. What prompted this was I was looking over some of my old letters to friends, and that person sounds so cheery and...well, NORMAL. Right now I've been feeling crazy, off balance, doubting myself at every turn. I don't even know myself anymore. How do we begin to find our way back? Is that person long gone?

The people here are great. *hugs* I understand your feelings of being stuck. I'm stuck, too. I think it's normal if you were so close to a loved one. Though your godparents might look at you odd, we won't.

I relate to your post a whole lot. I haven't touched medications yet, but I'm very tempted.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. One of the most infuriating things after the death was how businesslike and cold-hearted people can appear to be, especially to those who are still in shock and outwardly emotional. I hope somehow you guys are able to talk things through.

You guys echo my thoughts so well. I want to find that security again. I have no idea how. I don't know what expressions could make me feel better. I'm so lost. I am actively trying to feel better, though, but every time I grasp at something, nothing holds. I hate this feeling. Is it just me? Is it them? I have no idea.

I'm running out of space, and was wondering if there's a way to save conversations or something. Thanks.

I hate the idea of living alone now. I'd really like the live in a house full of people to form more support, if that makes sense. There's something nice about coming home to a house teeming with people, and you know that if something happens, you have a house full of people to turn to. Am trying to see if I have any family that'd be okay with this. I feel lonely 24/7. I've never felt so disconnected from the world. Even when I've just come back from being with friends, I still feel this deep-seated loneliness that I intuitively feel can only be helped by living with a big family or something like that. I know this sounds weird...

Weird how it hits you out of no where. I was just sitting here, watching TV, and I suddenly really missed hugging my dad. I remember when we used to crack up over some joke, and I'd give him a big hug. I don't know how to make myself feel better. Hug a stuffed animal. Hug a friend. Hug a pillow. Hug a relative. They don't work. Nothing really beats a hug from my dad. He gave the best ones.

Boy, do I relate to this. I was hanging out with friends, and I went to look for a restroom, and I remember walking around and suddenly being hit by this dazed and useless feeling. Like I can't see the point of anything. Even with talking to people, I'm having a big problem shaking off the feeling of being lost.

You guys are amazing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

One of my friends I haven't seen in a while and I recently got together. I noticed that some things she does make me rage, and I am really seeing her flaws, which is silly because we all have flaws. But I'm starting to see her through an ugly viewfinder, and some of her flaws rub me the wrong way now, and I almost feel like she's doing it on purpose to annoy me. But I know that can't be true because she has always kind of been that way. I seethe and really start to resent her on the inside. Does grief make you really irritable with a short fuse even after a good amount of time? I figured I'd settle back to normalcy, whatever that is, but I find myself getting angry at people more easily. I feel a great injustice at what I've been through with all the hospital stuff. I went through so much pain, had a lot of bad events thrown at me, and I guess it has made me less of a nice person so I don't tolerate things as I used to. I don't think it's the outside that's changed. It's got to be me. Can anyone relate or does anyone have advice on getting over that? Thanks.

Aww Babs, that last part is so cute and sad. Thank you for sharing. May I ask how you are dealing with the loneliness of talking to yourself after being so used to talking to your husband all the time?

I'm going through a really angry stage right now, which is strange because shouldn't that have occurred months ago? I'm angry because this shady hospital doesn't want to hand over the medical records, even though I've asked for them a lot already. I know I should probably let it go, but I feel I can't fully go through the grieving process if I don't have the records; it's this "what are they hiding" question that's hanging in the back of my head. I'm so angry that this place is pushing me around and made me waste so much time and money traveling there to get them. I'm not a confrontational person, and I don't always speak up, but I'm finally really angry now. But then I feel guilty for being angry and say to myself, "Let it GO! You're probably not meant to have them." And I notice that I continue to feel empty inside, like life holds no purpose. I still enjoy things in a way (I can chat with friends, go shopping, see concerts), but there is a pervasive hole inside me. I've heard this is normal in grief, but I don't think it's healthy for me because I feel like I have nothing holding me firm in this world. I don't care to strive for things as much because I feel there's no real point. I do things that distract me and make me forget things briefly, which is great. But when I'm alone and it's quiet, I don't have a real good sense of who I am anymore. Does that sound strange? It's like, who the heck am I? Before I was in full color with a clear sense of myself and my place in the world. Now I'm in black and white and floating around. I intensely hate this feeling because whenever I do anything fun or things that should be meaningful, they're only surface deep. They don't go IN, if that makes sense. How on earth do I begin to "find myself" again? Is that even possible? I thought about doing something strange like getting married, but I know that's no solution, and that's not even guaranteed to work. Would getting a pet help? I'm grasping at straws now. Thanks!

Thanks for that, especially the "protect yourself" part. It is very important to do that. I'm so sorry you're still beating yourself up; I do the same. It's tough!

I'm having a discussion (argument) with someone about this. Do you think it's better to force yourself to face traumatic things they don't want to? For example, going back to the hospital where It happened, seeing the dead body even if you know you're not the type able to handle something like that (susceptible to flashbacks, etc.), going to a place that has memories to the lost person, etc.? Someone I know thinks you should "grow up" and face them. Don't want to see the body? Force yourself. Don't ever want to return to a hospital where lots of bad memories are? Force yourself. She associates not being able to do these things as being childish. I take argument with that because I think people are very different. Some people can face these things and are better off doing it. Some people can't and they're worse off. It's nothing to do with maturity, in my opinion; it's a matter of someone's personality, and it shouldn't reflect negatively upon someone if he or she truly can't do it. (Of course, I know some people avoid things in a detrimental way, but that's another matter). Thoughts? Thanks.

Have any of you had this? I have to return to a place that I closely associate with the person I lost (so many places that person loved, so many memories!). I don't know how to handle it. The anticipation is really difficult. I've been mentally preparing for months and months, but I still feel extreme fear about it. Any tips? Thanks.

I feel like I'm disappointing people when they ask me how I'm doing. They drop in once in a blue moon and ask how I'm doing. If the answer isn't "Great," they go, "You need to move on. Bye!" I think I'm sending clear distress signals. I told them Thanksgiving was going to be rough, and it'd help heaps to have more people around because it's not like I can finish a turkey. HINT. Reply was to move on and "get back into the swing of life." How can I when people like you don't help me? I know you have to be independent and pull yourself up by your bootstraps, but I could use someone holding my hand for a little while. At least around Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year celebrations. A cousin was like, "We had this big dinner thing, it was fun." It didn't occur to them to invite me? Other people say, "Once you learn to not think so much about past bad things, you'll forget it and be fine." It's not so much the past bad memories and grief getting to me as the loneliness that comes from them. Why am I expected to do this alone?