Chai

Dear Kath, I am having this problem, too. For the first couple of weeks, I was doing stuff as distraction, but now I have become listless and can't seem to do anything. I know how you feel. I think the people who have posted have good points, that it is normal in grief to be like this, and to let yourself grieve. I also enjoyed AnnC's comment about how in times past, people wore black for 2-4 years after a loss and were allowed to grieve for that long and their grief was acknowledged. Nice to know it used to be like that.

WendyJ, thank you for your reponse, and Marty, thank you for those reminders. I agree, Wendy, we all have different experiences, and some of us have opportunities that others don't have and wish they had. We each experience different things in our lives and it is important to remember to be grateful. One quality that a man at my dad's memorial spoke about was gratefulness, and how my dad had it. And it's something I noticed again in his recording for me, his gratefulness. And thank you, too, for the remember. I am very happy to have had the time I had with my dad; even with separated parents, I got to spend a lot of time with him, and a year never went by where I did not see him. Support, and sticking together, are definitely important. Thank you for your support, even in our different perspectives, we are able to support each other. And this site has so many different types of people, and everyone supports everyone. It's wonderful.

WendyJ, I am very sorry about your losses, and my prayers are with you and your mother who is battling cancer. Of course I want people to survive cancer, and it is an amazing miracle of today that now, people are surviving cancer, whereas years ago, no one was. I think it is hope for the future that people are battling it, and some people are winning the battle. It does not make me feel good to have this bitterness in me. It is an ugly feeling, and I do not condone it in myself, to have this negative feeling directed towards others. My father would disapprove very much of my bitterness. He would tell me, to take shelter of love, and not allow the dark feelings to get a hold on me. And my dad's emotional therapist, a woman named Diana, she described these feelings of guilt, etc. as "slime." This bitterness I am feeling is more slime that will only distract from my grieving process, and distract from the more healing thoughts I could be having. But the question is, how? Like you said, I shall try to put myself in the shoes of those who are battling cancer or know someone who is, like your mother and you. That way, I can obtain a more sympathetic perspective, and the bitterness can sink away. That is one way to evict the bitterness. And of course, only a few months ago, I was a daughter whose father was battling cancer, and the hope and fear mixed inside me was a very scary feeling. I am sure you are experiencing it and have experienced it. I am sorry if I have offended or upset you, WendyJ. It is hard. That is all I can say. It is hard, because I am so sad, and I wish so much that my dad had survived, or was still battling it. The time snapped past me in the blink of an eye, and I wish I could have just a little back; just a few months, even; the doctors promised a year. mlg, it is good to know that I am not alone in my feelings. You have an excellent point, that we are not better than anybody else. And the solution to the bitterness is some sort of positive feeling, like love, or focusing on what can be and on what can still be shared with our loved ones, even though they are not physically with us anymore. Their purposes in life have been completed, and ours have not. We have to figure out how we can still complete our purposes, and like some grief books I've been perusing have said: the love we had, we don't know where to place it now. Healing means, finding new places to put that love, to "spread the love around" or something. So, I dunno...focus on the positive? But that is hard, and wouldn't that be denying the grief process, to try to force ourselves to be positive when all this sadness and negative stuff is in us? Then again, we don't want to grieve forever....aah, it's all very confusing stuff.

I know there is already a thread on anger...but I wanted to just, I don't know, throw a few negative emotions together in the basket. I myself am not someone who feels angry at the one I lost - my dad - but I am angry, for a second, with people I feel jealous of (then the anger becomes jealousy). The young people I know who still have both parents. To think, such a short time ago, I used to be one of them! Also, I am finding myself bitter against cancer survivors. I know this is terrible and mean, and they did nothing to hurt me. But since my father did not survive cancer, and only lasted two months at that, I feel angry and bitter when I hear about cancer survivors. A friend of mine today was talking about a fellow student of hers, and she mentioned how his mother "had cancer, and that's why her hair is so short now." A cancer survivor. And then you see all these celebrities fighting cancer. And a few years ago, one of my mom's friends had cancer. She lasted for a few months, at least. Of course, maybe it's because of chemotherapy. My dad didn't do chemotherapy, it was against his beliefs about natural healing. I can understand his viewpoint, and I advocated it because I knew it would make him happier to 1) get in-home hospital care, which he did, and 2) not do chemo. I didn't want to see him waste away so very fast, and to know he'd be miserable with each hospital visit. I didn't want him to have to go through that. And he didn't do chemo, so when I did see him, he looked okay, other than being even thinner than usual, and the scar on his neck from surgery. I am glad that he was in good spirits, and totally himself in mood and talking, etc. But when I hear about the cancer survivors, this ugly bitterness wells up in me. It's terrible. How do we grieving people deal with these negative emotions? Do we let them come up, try to change our perspective, or what? (Sorry I've made so many threads, but I thought they were each separate issues).

emptyinside, I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time. It is definitely tough. There will definitely be things that we encounter that jarr us, because they remind us of what we cannot share anymore with our dads. I myself have encountered a few things in magazines that made me sad, too. And every time I hike without my dad now, it will be...I don't even know. Devastating. The first time I hike without him, I don't know what's giong to happen. In the urge to turn back or stop time, you are not alone. I want to go back, to bring him back or something, so that he can be there for so many things. Graduation. To meet grandchildren. Oh, so many things he won't be there for now. It's heartbreaking to thing of the opportunities and sharings lost to us now. Keep on talking to his photos and writing those letters. It isn't the same, but at least it is something. It is some way to keep connected and feel like he is still there with you. Of course, it isn't the same as seeing him walk in the door. And it's scary and sad, to think of never seeing him walk through the door again. And isn't it weird, how the littlest things - like you and the gadget page - can send us off again into this terrifying realization that they're gone. I hate it. I visited my grandmother recently, and there were a million little things like that. His shirts are still in the closet! But he isn't around to wear them anymore... I can't really say anything comforting to you, emptyinside, except that I'm sorry, and I am also hurting. That friend of yours who was talking about having dinner with her dad...I think, and maybe this is harsh, but I think she should have known better. Come on! Seriously. People should be more gentle.

Guys, I can't do anything. It took me forever to unpack stuff from when my school break started on December 16th. I just got my room clean yesterday. And guys...I write stories, and for a while, somehow even through my sadness, I was writing. Every half hour after working on a final, I would write. But once winter break settled in, the writing slowed, and now it's at this total standstill. I know I shouldn't be putting pressure on myself, but writing is what I LOVE to do! I'm hoping to make a living out of it someday. It's my dream, and it's a dream that my father very much encouraged me in. I think he would be sad to see that he (through dying, I guess) is stopping me from writing. And I mean, I know everyone has "block" things every once in a while with creative stuff or otherwise, and I've had them before...but this seems to be different. I just...I'll say, "I'm going to watch _______ movie today," and it just never happens. I spend hours on this website. Hours sleeping. Just sitting in my room staring at my dad's smiling, beautiful picture, and then I listen to my recording from him at least once a day. Every time I listen to it, I cry. That time of my day is the "grief" time, put aside specifically to grieve. But maybe I should be doing something else during grief time (there it is again, that dangerous word "should), like....actual grief work, instead of just listening to my dad's voice and bawling my eyes out and using thousands of tissues. I think if I had my story-writing to do, I would feel a bit better, or maybe my grief would come through in my writing...I want to write, at LEAST, if not have the ability to set out to do something and do it. But I can't seem to write. The other day I wrote a page. Am I being too hard on myself? I'm going to go look at the "Doing projects and staying motivated" thread.

Okay so, I have noticed in my whole...grieving...process (though I don't really feel like I'm going anywhere) that there is a very strong focus on me. I focus on myself. I think of my feelings. I think, "My purpose right now is figuring myself out, working on myself." My family (mom, stepdad) seems to understand, in that they tell me to take it easy, they help me when I am thinking "I should be doing ______" by making me realize, there is nothing I "have" to do. But what about in two weeks, when I am back at school? What to do I do then about the "me" focus? I think it will still be there. I mean, I'm able to do less of the "me" focus sometimes...like, I talked to a friend today and asked how she was doing, and cared to know. But a lot of the time, I am thinking of me, my grief, my memories, etc. How can I explain this to people? Should I try to explain it to my friends when I go back to school? I am already planning on talking to them about how I might sometimes want to be alone, I'm still grieving and feeling very sad, and there are other times when I might need them very much, etc. But I can't really explain the "me" focus thing, right? It would sound too selfish, like...like I don't care about their problems, because mine is bigger. In her book "Good Grief" Deborah Morris Coryell talks about this, about loss and how, the feelings of loss can apply to losing other things - jobs, homes, etc. I can understand that view, but....when my friend is talking about drama with her boyfriend (which she always seems to talk about these days), or another friend is complaining about not finding a purchase on e-Bay...and I think in my head, "Yes, but I LOST my DAD"....what do I do?! I don't want to be mean to people, especially friends, but at the same time, I don't want to stop the "me" focus, because 1) I can't help it, and 2) It seems to be part of the process, noticing and acknowledging my own feelings. Also, because well...I'm really sad. I don't want to turn off my sadness and put up an "I'm okay" exterior at school, because I believe that would be detrimental to my grief work/process, and honestly, it hurts to pretend I'm okay. I'd rather feel the hurt of my loss than go around pretending nothing happened. Does anybody have any suggestions, or experience, or anything, on this "me" focus thing??

Thanks to mlg and Barry Manilow, I've found another heart-wrenching, but hopeful, glorious song: And this one, oh it's so sad, "If I'd have known," but it's beautiful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfZFqC1mte0

mlg, Thank you for your sweet sharing, and that song for me. It made me sad, but it's sweet, too. I really feel that the songs you chose are soo emotionally powerful, they are those floating, slow songs that really brings the tears. They are all very special songs. Thank you for sharing. I'm always on the hunt for "particular" songs that make me think of my dad now...some would say it's unhealthy, but, I dunno, I like listening.

NeedToWrite, I also like to write stories, and I really, really enjoyed yours! It is inspiring to see someone using their 'need to write' to put down their emotions in grief. Thank you for sharing.

Kath, What a very touching and loving poem. Thank you for sharing it!

Dear ThinkSpring, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It is very hard, and I have heard it gets harder before it gets better, too. But please, come here for support. This board is very helpful and the people insightful, as I'm sure you've caught onto from looking around. That teddy bear sounds like a huge comfort. I am glad he is with you. Sending love, Chai

Hello all you bright lights, Marty and I were discussing Recommended Reading for grief, books that can maybe help each and every one of us. I recommended a book called "Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss" by Deborah Morris Coryell, which I recently read. Marty was kind enough to add it to her Grief Bibliography. Link: Grief Bibliography I just was curious about the books myself, and thought I would share. It s a great big list! "Good Grief," regardless of its title that may seem to make fun, is actually quite exceptional. I feel it is compassionate, and also very insightful. It is a book that understands that our hearts are broken, and helps us to look deep into ourselves. It is empowering and it acknowledges our need to hang onto our loved one, and turns this need into something that can continuously pervade our lives: love. Anyway, check out the books.

Thank you all for your responses, they are very helpful. MartyT, I really like that excerpt explaining shock and some symptoms/feelings listed, I feel reading it and noting it down has helped me to better understand myself. mlg, I also feel like I have a hole in my heart. It hurts a lot. AnnieO, I like your encouragement to deal with the feelings and let them out, I think I am taking baby steps towards that, I have been starting to voice to family members some of my worries and stuff, intead of keeping it all in my journal. Journaling is so helpful! I've been zooming through pages and pages. I think one big step in my shock experience is, I received (after weeks of waiting) a final recording that my dad did for me on the day he passed away. Even though it has made me very sad (and simultaneously happy), I think it has helped to jolt me a bit away from shock into realization that, this has happened. It really was a jolt, a sudden jolt into crying a bunch... I know it helps to cry, though, so...at least when I cry, I'm helping myself, I guess.

Thank you all for sharing! It makes me teary and smiling to read of your wonderful gifts and love shared with your loved ones. Thanks for making me glad I started this topic, guys! I wasn't sure at first, but now I am.

I think the topic of special gifts can apply to everyone here, because everyone feels like their loved ones gave them so much. These people helped to make us who we are, and they continue to influence our living after them. I was wondering if people would like to share special gifts they received from their loved ones; something that was given to you especially by your loved one, no matter if they passed it on intending that you keep it in memory of them, or not. I think the gifts our loved ones gave us are manyfold, but I suppose by 'special' I mean, something that especially stands out to you, that you find particularly heartwarming, or for those whose loved one was a patient of a terminal illness, perhaps something purposefully given you by that person before they passed. It would be heartwarming - though, also saddenning - to share this love that we shared and still share with our loved ones. So I just thought, maybe people would want to share... I would like to share my joy and sadness over a last message from my dad. Although I was not there when he passed, the healer woman who was there to ease his passing and speak with him did a recording each for my grandmother and me, and he recorded messages personalized for each of us. After weeks of waiting, I finally got the CD the other day and was able to listen to it. It is so soothing to hear his voice again, but heart-crushing, too. There is so much love and tenderness in his voice, even just talking about the recording brings me to tears. So, maybe this topic is a little sensitive, a little private, these special gifts...but...I thought I'd dip my toe into the water anyway... Anyone? Apologies if this is in the wrong section.

Lucia and shhh65, the songs you both shared are very beautiful, and very sad. They make me wish for time to turn back. Thank you for sharing them, it is good to feel the sadness, to take a moment to just let it flow over... Starkiss, I know what you mean about certain songs! They make a tear come to the eye all of a sudden. I like having songs like this, for some reason, to just...have, for sad moments, because they seem to articulate the sadness in a way I can't seem to articulate to myself.

I have this odd question: how long does the shock last? It's been about a month since my dad passed away. I think I am still in shock. I feel very strange sometimes, and at other times, a bit normal. Part of me feels like I should be crying more, and since I am not, what is wrong with me? But I am trying not to judge myself. This website and a meeting with a counselor before winter-break have been helping me. I do still think I have judgmental tendencies though, that I am putting on myself. I read this article, and Marty's great advice: Self-healing (It's the initial stuff, not "friend in grief" purple box). So, like this girl, I feel like I should be crying more. I have broken down in tears, but I am able to function and do stuff. In the article, Marty says: "Some may interpret the initial numbness of grief as a sign of indifference toward the one who died or even denial that a death has occurred." That's how I feel. I feel like I am indifferent. Then, when I read this part: "Regardless of the circumstances, a person in mourning can look and feel quite off balance, especially when that first wave of shock and disbelief wears off. " When I read that, I began to wonder...am I still in shock? And how long does shock last? I think that is a stupid question, to ask how long, because there is no way to put time on shock. It lasts however long it lasts with each individual person. But I have this crazy urge to know WHY I am not going crazy and crying...like if it's not shock, then what is it? Am I a monster? Is it my religious belief in reincarnation that is helping me? What is going ON?! I really, really feel like I don't understand myself. I can't even seem to articulate my raw feelings in my journal. It's scary to be so confused about myself. Usually, writing works for me...but sometimes, lately, I just can't articulate the crazy jumble in my brain. Help!

Oh Mike and Kim...your songs really touch me. They are sad songs of longing, some of them. Kim, I was especially touched by "When I see you smile." But, happily we still have photos of our loved ones smiling...perhaps those can help us to go on. I was recently floored (pretty literally) by "So Far Away" by Carole King: So far away Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore It would be so fine to see your face at my door Doesn't help to know you're just time away Long ago I reached for you and there you stood Holding you again could only do me good Oh, how I wish I could But you're so far away One more song about moving along the highway Can't say much of anything that's new If I could only work this life out my way I'd rather spend it being close to you But you're so far away Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore It would be so fine to see your face at my door Doesn't help to know you're so far away Traveling around sure gets me down and lonely Nothing else to do but close my mind I sure hope the road don't come to own me There's so many dreams I've yet to find But you're so far away Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore It would be so fine to see your face at my door Doesn't help to know you're so far away These songs may feel sometimes like they are re-breaking our broken hearts...but somehow I think they all help us, even the sad ones.

Wow, this topic is amazing. I love it! Memory Bears! I never would have thought of that. I consider myself a creative person, though not much of a sewer. I love bears, though, so I think I might have to run with this idea. Only thing is, I don't particularly want to cut up the few shirts of my dad's I have...maybe when I visit my grandmother's I can find more, or some other material, to make a bear from. Thank you for posting this, Leann, and thank you MartyT for the link. This has made my day (night) suddenly so much better.

Oh, emptyinside. I am so sorry for your pain. Your heart is broken. But you can repair it. Your father would want you to. He wants you to keep going. I think he can see you, even if he is a different place, he lives on in your memories and in your heart. He is a part of you. I think one of the bestest gifts you can give is your dad is to take care of yourself. I know it is hard to think of anything, hard to not just lie there and think of the memories and the guilt. But you must take care of yourself, and as others have suggested, I think counseling one-on-one could be helpful. I too carry around some feelings of guilt, of, if I had known the time was so short - two months, instead of a year! - I would have taken a leave from school too and been with him. After I visited him - it ended up being the last time I saw my dad - I was crying and crying. I wanted to abandon all my duties and be by his side every day, talking to him, laughing with him, telling him in person "I love you" and "thank you." But life is not under our control. It hurts, and it seems unfair, that it is not under our control, that we can do nothing to prevent what God has ordained. Even so, I don't think anger at God is called for. God loves us, and He loves your dad, and He loves you. Your dad is with God now, and there is some feeling of, why can't you be with him at the same time as God? Why does God's personal time with your dad now have to be exclusive? Again though, I think others who have posted here are right - God has summoned your dad to be in your dad's original place, the place where his soul can get fulfillment, the place where he can fulfill his duties and potential. He is your dad, and also the eternal child of God. God takes care of His children, and loves us all very much. I don't think it is a problem at all, Buddhism, Catholicism, the religion. I think there are more similarities between the religions than people realize. So many religions emphasize love, and your dad was a very loving person. He is going to be fine, with God. I think he is watching you, and your dreams are telling you that your dad is content. He is not worrying, and he feels like he is in the right place. But he would want you to take care of yourself. What I mean by 'take care of yourself' is, do whatever you can that feels right. Write more letters to your dad. Go see a counselor one-on-one, maybe. Journal. Write down all those special memories! Listen to all that music! And please, go to the doctor to see what can be done about the anxiety attacks. That is normal, but we want you to be okay too, emptyinside. Love and blessings, Chai

Leeann, I just wanted to say - I LOVE your analogy! What an amazing analogy! It totally fits. And it's good to know the weight gets lighter. I like how you say, it gets lighter, and you decide when it's time to put it down, and you can pick it back up again (but without its original weight), and how it has a special, special place.

Kath, I can relate to that song "Where I get where I'm going," too. It is a very sweet and wise song that makes a lot of sense. AnnieO, I am so happy that you heard that song! Sometimes we doubt, and it is tough in those doubting moments to find comfort. But then something comes along to renew our faith and our tiny comforts again, I think. Lately I have been realizing that, because of all the hikes I did with my dad, nature in general reminds me of my dad. So I am getting comfort just by looking up at the beautiful way the sun and clouds look in the sky. It sounds like that song came on the radio just when you needed it most, Annie! Another song I find poignant is Allison Krauss's A Living Prayer It is a religious song, yes, but I think we can also look at the lyrics as a message from our loved ones. When I heard this song, I feel it is telling me, your dad is there in your heart and lives on within you. He is speaking to me in this song, telling me to be happy and live life on, and to try my best to make my dreams come true, to fight for the life I want, the future I want. Music is definitely special. Thank you for the good-day-wish, Annie. I went this weekend to visit some old friends, friends of me and my dad, and it was wonderful to be around such an affection group of supporters, where I could feel like they acknowledged my loss, felt for me, were willing to listen if I asked for it, and also, I feel like they did not want to "distract" me from my grief; they wanted to support me in it, acknowledging my feelings.

Dearest John, I am terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved son. Please take shelter in our embrace and vent your feelings here. We are here for you.

AnnieO, I really think that your dad is watching over you and your daughter. That is a wonderful, powerful story you told, about how he was there for you and your daughter through his song. I think it really speaks for the power of love. Love reaches beyond any boundaries, beyond death, beyond worlds to come to us. It is like the original formula for peace and happiness, and even the smallest thing can bring a feeling of love into our hearts. Thank you for sharing your song. That song is very touching, I feel like it is very warm and full of light, as sun-shiny as the sunshine it speaks of. Lucia, what a beautiful carol your mother enjoyed. I know it is sad, but it is also sweet, to have a special carol like that to think of as the holidays come upon us. I think that is a beautiful carol, too. Thank you for reminding me of it MartyT, Katie's poems are amazing! And she has also shared some amazing songs. Thank you for sharing those! One song that I really take comfort in, but also makes me sad, is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCyH9dCOVoQ. I particularly like how Josh Groban sings it. YouTube it! It's beautiful and haunting...uplifting.