NotCoping

I've arrived in Taos, but not without issue(s). I followed the directions, but got lost in Las Vegas, NM for all of 10 minutes - the wind was really heavy all day. I did OK on the two lane roads where there's no where to stop and proceeded to drive up into the tree line. About 45 miles from Taos, I started getting light-headed - like I might pass out. I had to stop every couple of miles. I stopped at a tiny post office, and the lady in there gave me a mulit-grain bar to eat, offered me water (I had these things in the car, but wasn't that nice?) I left and I started to go up a long winding road and had to pull off and call an ambulance. They wanted to take me to the hospital, but where would my dog go? So, we all agreed it was the altitude, but they told me in my condition, I would never make the 30 miles to Taos with the sort of roads to here. They called an off duly ambulance driver to drive my car and an EMT drove behind us. What a day. I'm downing water trying to fight altitude sickness. I'm glad I don't have to drive tomorrow. I sat in the car on the side of the road wondering what to do and praying for God to send me some help. I guess worst case scenario, I would've slept in the car for the night. It was soooo nice of those strangers to help me like that.

Mary Linda, Until today, both of our road trips to California covered the road I've been on. From here we would go south usually to visit my brother-in-law. Today will be new for me, but I'm only going about 2.5 hours. If all goes well, I will be arriving at my destination in Taos tomorrow. I would like to get a massage, but alas, I will have to wait. A bubble bath sounds excellent. The weather is really nice. Thanks.

Teny, Congratulations on the birth of your precious granddaughter. The love and hope that comes with the birth of a child is a gift and I'm sure your husband and mother are there to see her.

This is the blog we started after we adopted our dog. The first post you see is from Aug. of last year. However, click on the archives from 2006 if you get a chance. He was in much better shape at that time. Bob told me twice (by us doing it) how to make this trip, and I wonder if he knows I'm doing it again....I wonder every night when I'm in the hotel rooms. We figured it out, didn't we... http://rascaltravels.blogspot.com/

Hi everyone. Today was especially hard on me physically and emotionally. I knew I would need to stop due to tears at the Texas border, but as you know, there is no where to stop right away. Distances here are so deceiving. One mile equals ten back home. Still, I made it to Amarillo. Thanks for your prayers.

I hope I attached this OK. This was the rainbow from my window in Memphis. Not much of a view, but the rainbow was worth it. I've had sunny skies since. I'm in OK City. Tomorrow will be really hard taking my husband back to Texas for the last time - where he was born. I thought about it all day.

Boo, I'll spread his ashes on the 26th assuming all goes well before then. Glad I don't have far to go today - didn't sleep well. I think I have about 600-700 more miles to go. I'm having a hard time with MapQuest on this browser.

I'm in a hotel in nowhere, Arkansas - 7 miles from the OK border. Today I crossed the Mississippi and I lost it. Whenever we crossed it in the past, my husband would say "Ok, there's no turning back now". I've come about 1000 miles now. What a journey. Tomorrow is a short day because I need a break - only going to OK City. Thanks for all of your support and prayers. It's sunny, 75, windy, but way better than yesterday. It looks like they are getting the weather I had yesterday at home now in NC. Onward! I promised you, honey.

Thanks Leeann, I couldn't believe my luck today. I actually saw two funnel clouds form when I was coming into Memphis. It was totally dark and barely visable. When I got into my room, the sun came out and there was a rainbow. I took a picture of it. It made me cry.

Hi all, I made it to Knoxville yesterday, and today drove through the worst rain and wind I've ever seen to Memphis. I saw two funnel clouds when I got here. It took 8 hours to get to Memphis, and I'm soooo tired. I don't know how I'm doing this or going to continue to do it. I tried to get a room in Nashville since the rain was so bad, but I got lost and the only hotels I found wouldn't take dogs. I knew staying in Nashville would throw me off schedule, but I could hear my husband say as he always did "you set your own calendar, baby". I had no choice but to keep going. I was shaking so badly that I thought it was the car until I stopped and realized it was me. That's all for now. I hope to reach the OK border tomorrow. I need all the prayers I can get, and I know it's a miracle I've come this far.

Thank you so much for that. I hope to really rely on you all during this lonesome journey.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this. Going to the Rio Grande...a seven day trip for me alone with my dog. I use music a lot to express myself and thought I'd share this. Teny....my thoughts while they tend to be selfish right now are with you and so are my prayers. I leave Sat. and I'll think about you the entire way. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2A1e9fq3M0

I have debated and debated the trip and I've come to some conclusions. First, I have driven it twice before (only all the way to CA), but I know this time will be different. Secondly, I took a trial run at driving distance in February. I drove six hours each way to a friend's house. I found that the need for concentration took my mind somewhat off of the overwhelming grief, but I was tired and I did break down into tears once at a rest area. Third, it's not a special day for us, but our special days are all in the cold months, and I definitely don't want to drive in snow even though I used to live in the mountains and became used to it then. Other things I toss back and forth is that getting away from the house may actually be good for me. Five nights in Taos and another few with my brother-in-law may help me gain some perspective. Who knows, I may move there although my potential jobs if I want to stay in the industry are more likely to be found here. I've already got a lead on finishing a documentary when I'm ready. Lastly, I've rented a place with no refund. If I were to cancel, it certainly wouldn't be because others have made plans to meet me there because I'm not hearing anything about who or who won't be there. His family doesn't really communicate with me although I've given them all of the dates, etc. I actually told my husband that would happen; he didn't believe me, and of course, I've sounded off about it, so that made it worse communication purposes. I never mattered to them anyway. I wonder if he knows now. I suppose my main focus for the next week and a half is to try to get myself in a better frame of mind and to eat better, take my vitamins, etc. I've scheduled a massage when I get to Taos because that's what my husband was going to get for my birthday; he would be so happy to know I've done that. I'm off to the vet - just another stressor - my dog hates it.

Thanks, Those are some very good suggestions. I sure wish I could find someone to go with me, but so far, no one can take that much time off work.

I am feeling very alone right now. For one thing, I've not been able to shrug off a lot of things that make me upset. For example, when people don't email or call or come by (as has been the case for a while now), eventually something triggers me and I send an email and go off on them. I do it almost blindly as if I'm in a rage. For another thing, I'm scared about making this trip. I'm afraid of the emotions - maybe even some more unknown - that may show up. I've felt things in these last months that I didn't even know I could feel. I remember one night I scared both myself and my dog because I was crying so insanely that it felt like I would just die - like something that was coming from deep inside my spirit or some unknown place. Has that happened to anyone else? I mean experiencing something you've never felt before? I've cried deeply and for a long time before, but this was something else. I'm having a hard time even explaining it.

My husband and I never got to Taos. He had been there before, but not me. He told us this is where he wanted to go at one of his birthday parties. I'm not a heights person either, but I guess I'm going to have to conquer that. I've been to the Grand Canyon and the World Trade Center, so I'm not panicky about it though. I'm having some really rock bottom type couple of days and I hope I can pull it together before next week. I'll need all the prayers I can get. Thanks for that. I want to say more, but can't....

Hi everyone, I made it through last week. I just spent the first in the bed. There is lots to do to get ready for my trip out West, and I just write it on the calendar and hope it gets done, but lots of things don't. I leave on April 18th and I'm taking the laptop which is my husband's that I normally do not use (a Mac), but I figured out how to save this group in favorites, so I have that covered for the long and lonely hotel nights. I've not been in a hotel room alone with my dog ever. It will be a challenge and I'll keep you posted. Taos, NM bound. I'm sending a link of where he wanted his ashes to go. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rio_Grande_Gorge_Bridge Thanks everyone during this time, Mel

I totally get it. I have a calendar with my list - shower, eat, walk the dog, feed the dog....it's just so bizarre when I consider what I used to do in a day without a list that life has been reduced to this. When I take my trip on the 18th, what would normally be a two-three day drive is going to be seven days. I'm not used to traveling that distance alone with my dog, so I think that the slower I take it, the better even though it's going to be more expensive.

Thanks. I'm hanging in there for lack of a better phrase. I have lots I have to get done before my trip, and some days, I just can't move. Today is one of them. I really don't know how I've done what I've done so far and quite frankly, can't remember doing a lot of things. Has anyone else had that issue? The other day, I knew I was out of sweat pants (since that's all I'm wearing most days) and so I thought I should do laundry. Apparently, I had already done the laundry a day or so before and folded everything and don't remember any of it. I must have done it; no one else is here except the dog. I've had a few times like that.

Gatorman, This grief thing makes you feel totally crazy. But...I'm just into this as well, and people keep saying that all the range of emotions are normal after such a loss. We all want to talk about our loved ones, and people who haven't been through it simply don't understand a lot of times. I'm bad for not doing it, but I know that you can say anything you want here and people will not only listen, they will actually "hear" you as well.

I've heard the "He wouldn't want you to be so sad" so much that I finally blurted out "Well, I didn't want him dead - we don't always get what we want, do we?" I didn't think before I said it, so now I'm the leper. I still cry every day, several times a day at almost four months and I don't see an end to it in sight. At one month, how could you not be crying all the time? I think one thing that happens during this process (and I'm not sure about it) is that you end up caring less about what people think than you did before. They aren't living this Hell, we are.

Kath, For weeks now, I've been beating myself (while feeling a zillion other things) due to the last time my husband Bob was in the hospital. I was really hard on myself today because it is the anniversary of our first date. Reading your post has helped. I've been telling myself that I didn't pray hard enough and why didn't I ask for a miracle even though I've been asking for one for myself for weeks to pull me through. I was just so scared. I had never seen him so bad, and I didn't know what to pray for except for him to get some rest. He was sedated too heavily to open his eyes because he had a breathing tube, but he was fighting it, so he wasn't sedated enough to not know it was there I don't think. He had biliary cancer which was removed seven years ago through an extensive surgery leaving half of his liver not functioning, but in the end, it wasn't his liver that failed. Later he developed complications due to scar tissue and had to have a biliary tube and three duodenal stents. The stents were necessary because his food wasn't emptying out of his stomach. Ten months later, the tissue around the stents began to bleed and there was nothing they could do to stop it. He was so sick and was throwing up blood - so much so that I can't get the images out of my head. As a result, he developed aspiration pneumonia that turned into infectious pneumonia and couldn't fight it. A couple of hours before he died, he began hemorraging again. How could he have overcome that? I'd seen him miraculously overcome so many other things. Thanks for listening, Mel

Thanks Kathy, I cried while reading that. I know I'll be the same way. I still cry several times a day as well and I'm coming up on four months. It's like I'm half a person and I can only get done what half a person could do. I've thought about the long trip several times, and while I'll dread the drive (it will be sentimental for me as well as we drove it together twice), I'm honored to follow his wishes. I hope it brings me some peace. I leave in one month. Our dog and I will take it slow. Thanks, Mel

I've only read one book that really hit home for me so far - I couldn't put it down, but I've not been able to read anything else yet due to a lack of concentration. It was The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I've tried to get some people to read it so that they would at least get some insight into what I'm going through, but no one will. My mother won't even read it because she is afraid of what it might say - after you lose the love of your life, your best friend, your life as you knew it, what more is there to fear? I've noticed I've lost fear. My worst fear came true. I wish I could be of some help to people who are just starting this process, but at three months, I feel like it was yesterday and I don't know how or why I've survived this long. It is a miserable state of being. I agree that your address book DOES change. People I could count on for 10-20 years all but disappeared even though they used to show up or call all the time. They even end up saying the worst things when strangers seem more understanding. I, too, get angry that "life goes on" for others when mine stood still and didn't start back.

Thanks everyone, I do have to go to N.M in April because I can't wait much longer to find a job (as if that is easy in these hard times). Once I get whatever job I can find, who would let me off for a month right any time soon, and I promised this. I have to try. Anyway, it's as if the hits just keep on coming. A drainage pipe burst in the house today and I'm waiting on a plumber...on no income, I hate it. I tried to fix it, but this one needs replacing and it's old galvanized stuff. I can fix most things myself, but it's an old house with old plumbing and beyond my knowledge. I thought I had it fixed, but I didn't realize all of the water was running into my basement and ruined the ceiling. You'd think that these things would hold off on happening during grief esp. when you pray every day just to get through the day and for something positive to happen. What a mess.