NotCoping

I don't know where I am half the time or what I'm doing. It will be three months for me on Sunday, and I don't find anything easier...everything is harder. I'm totally feel alone even if somebody is around and I don't like to be around people more than a couple of hours... The last three months are a blur. I cannot remember what I've said or what others have said to me (except for the hurtful things). I have to drive to N.M in April to sprinkle what is left of my husband and I don't know how I'll do it. I'm about 20-25 hours away I think. People say it will get better, but it seems worse to me. He was my life. I've felt things that I didn't even know existed. I just can't see any light at the end of this tunnel. Mel

I've been reading, but not posting. Things have just been way too difficult for me to even speak. It has only been 2.5 months for me. However, reading what you've all said in this post gives me some amount of what is it? Dare I say "hope"?....that I won't always be so miserable. At this point, I cannot imagine feeling any different, but I can hope that's not the case.

Deborah, While I'm not even two months into this, you hit the nail on the head for me. I'm doing the same things to myself, it seems. It's like I either have to sink or swim, to live or die, but when you don't have the desire to swim, what do you do about it? I hope someone on here can give you some comfort or tell you something that will help in some way and in turn, it will help us both.

I haven't had help until now. I'd like to share this email my husband sent to me in Oct. of 2007. I poured a thousand pounds of concrete by myself to fix our front steps after I almost lost him in Aug. of that year. "Dearest Mel......I have to write this down 'cause you wont let me tell you directly.... I think that you are a secretly brilliant person that I am blessed to be married to and to even know. In the past few weeks Ive come to know so much more about you. One that has taken on the job of re designing our porch and steps. I'm so proud of you for learning and studying and researching all of this cement / concrete info. Thank you so much. I wish that I could do more to help but just staying out of the way seems best for me, offering endless encouragement and love. I'm sure that I'm making daily progress now, thanks to your help and the example that you set at not ever giving up, to keep on fighting till it's all finished and finished correctly. I hope that I've learned from that to better deal with life. Not to mention adding to the house value and finding a way not to go nuts during these weeks of my recovery. I love you and respect you and am very very proud of you. I want everyone to know how I feel but don¹t know the best way to share this with them. bc"

Thanks, Marty. This is the first of a three-part memorial. My husband was from L.A. and in the biz so he has a lot of frineds ( or he was there for 40 years) and due to the logistics, there will be three memorials. There is supposed to be one in L.A. planned by my step-son ( I just can't make that trip right now - 3000 miles with a dog). And then, Bob requested that his ashes be put in the Rio Grande, but I can't drive out there with our dog until it gets warm (8 degrees here tonight). That will be family only. The one here will be "the big one". I've just been so scattered. It feels like he left yesterday, so it has been a monumental task to prepare both physically and mentally.

It has been a little over six weeks since I lost my husband Bob. I put the memorial/celebration of his life off since he left on Dec. 1 and I knew it would be difficult for people to plan during the holidays. His memorial will be held on the 24th at our house. I need all the prayers I can get.

Marsha, While I'm in no position to be helpful, I do like any distractions. I'm not to the point where I can paint yet - heck, I'm trying to clean the refrigerator one shelf a day, and I skipped today. When I can't find anything on TV or when I don't feel like cleaning anything, I do the "thinking" thing as well, and it's debilitating. I keep looking for a "sign" that I'm going to be OK; I pray without ceasing, and nothing happens. The best thing I do is come here where people seem to understand. People say "ask for help" with things, but I've never been one to ask for anything, so that's hard. I've been trying and finally asked someone to come and look at some plumbing, but no one showed. I get that a lot. "If you need anything, just ask" and I've asked and no one shows. I'm rambling on about myself now, and that's certainly not helpful to you. I'll say a prayer for you and hope this one is heard.

My response:

Thanks everyone. As my luck would have it, my primary care doctor moved to China this year, so I have to find another one (even though I don't have med. insurance). My husband was given a mild anti-anxiety prescription this year, so against all rules, I took one. In about 30-45 minutes, my heart wasn't racing and my breathing became normal, so I guess it worked. I'm glad to know this is "normal" because I'm not used to having these symptoms. I read one of the treads that Marty posted, and yes indeed, there is the feeling of being lost, dread, scared of the future, fears about money - I guess it all adds up. I was unfortunately left with no income, so at some point, I have to find work and it's not the best economy to find work in. I have so many unanswered questions and I'm not in any shape to make rational decisions. Should I sell the house and move somewhere else? Should I start my own business? All sorts of things like that go through my head even with all of the feeling of missing my husband so much it physically hurts and all of the memories of his illness and last day. I don't see how this could not cause people to go nuts. I've also found that I'm lashing out at people. It's as if I'm not in control of my temper and things better left unsaid are getting said. Thanks for listening.

I'm not sure what is going on with me. I've obviously had a really rough month to put it mildly, but today I feel panicky - like I've got to get out of here or something for a month or move or something. I know if I leave, I'll just want to be back here. It's like I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and I feel totally nuts. Has anyone else had this problem? I wonder why it just started with me today. It's cold and raining and not a good day for a walk, but I don't even think that would be any relief. I've tried to call some people just to see if it would help, and no one is answering.

He was great. One of the best on the East Coast. He and his nurse called yesterday after a month to check on me. I got to know them well. I emailed him tonight with this message (video). He gave me at least another 11 months with my husband that I wouldn't have had otherwise. And in that time, we traveled from N.C. to L.A. and went fishing. I know my husband would want his doctor to see this and my husband shot a lot of this video.

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen Rosemary and Lou Bob and Janet Jean and Walter Bob and Mel

Thanks everyone. About the best I can do right now is read. New Year's Day will be one month for me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0g_ZA0nlbto Imagine a world where no music was playing And think of a church with nobody praying If you've ever looked up at a sky with no blue Then you've seen a picture of me without you Have you walked in a garden where nothing was growing Or stood by a river where nothing was flowing If you've seen a red rose unkissed by the dew Then you've seen a picture of me without you Can you picture heaven with no angels singing Or a quiet Sunday morning with no church bells ringing If you've watched as the heart of a child breaks in two Then you've seen a picture of me without you

I'm having an especially hard time this evening. It is dark and around this time every Christmas Eve, my husband and I would exchange gifts - just us two; we always made it a point to be at home together.

I told somebody today this is like falling into a deep, dark hole and just when you feel you've hit the bottom, you realize you're still spiraling downward. That doesn't begin to describe it, but it's the best I can do.

You said it. That is exactly the way I've felt for the last few days. I even find it hard to write anything on here for some reason. I've just been laying on the bed staring at the TV, but not really noticing what's on TV.

Don't feel crazy. I'm doing all the same things except going to family events. I talk to him all the time, and I'll ask something such as "what did I do with my scarf?" and I find it right away. Then I thank him for telling me. I have to somehow get this house in order by Jan. 24 for a memorial service here (most people are out of town and I wanted to make it after the holidays) and I can't touch a thing.

I'm just using music when I can tolerate it to express myself. If you can't do music (and I totally understand), then don't click the link. Thanks, Mel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNF1a-ZG1uc

No invites, not that I could accept anyway. I just wish is was Jan. 2. Heck, it won't be any better for me, but his is awful. Tomorrow will be three weeks for me, but four weeks since I last heard him talk to me. It's the longest we were every apart.

I feel exactly the same way. It has only been two and a half weeks for me, and I feel like I'm just going to wither away. My dog was sick this morning; I was sick this morning and I just don't know when or if this gets better. People on this site say it will improve, but I can't see that right now. I've always heard that same thing - that God won't put more on you than you can stand. I just don't see how that's true either. I look back at events in my life that hurt me or upset me terribly, and none of them matter now. I just keep asking "what was I thinking?" I've also always heard that when bad things happen, they happen to prepare you for something bigger. That's not true either. Nothing could have prepared me for this. Besides, if that were true, what in the world is this trying to prepare me for?

Marsha, Did I read in another post that you lost your husband of the same thing my husband had? Was that you? Thanks, Mel

Thanks Rosemary, I'd invite you over if you lived close. This is just a horror for me. Thanks again, Mel

What do I do? I just spent Thanksgiving day at the hospital hoping my husband was hearing me tell him how thankful I was to have him. We made it a point of spending Christmas Day and Eve by ourselves every year. We would go to my sister's house one week or so before, but I can't deal with that this year. I can't even stand to see anything "Christmasy" on CNN. I've got no where I can go. Last New Year's Eve I was at the hospital. I just don't know how anybody gets through this. I've cried so much, my eyes hurt. Mel