NotCoping

I read the posts on here and just weep at times, mostly because I feel it and feel so badly for every one who it going through unspeakable horrors. I just found out that the footage I shot for the bright young girl a few weeks ago never was seen by her. She left the world less than two weeks ago on a Saturday before getting to see it. I've been trying to help some recently graduated film students because my husband taught in his final years and loved it. I sent out a mass email the other day trying to find a couple of them jobs with the contacts I have. I interviewed them extensively before I recommended them, and they threw it back in my face it seems and were arrested in Myrtle Beach for shooting illegally this last week. It just makes me want to stop helping. No good deed goes unpunished. I wonder why I keep trying. I'm not asking anything for me except I pray just to get by, but these kids are young and have (had) a better future ahead of them. I can just hear my husband fussing at them now.

Kath, I had a similar experience and I, too, felt protected. On my trip out West, I was in the heart of Nashville in blinding rain - so much so - that I wanted to pull off of I-40, but I couldn't even see the signs for off ramps. I finally just took one. I drove across the bridge over I-40 where I had taken the off ramp and about 100 yards (where I would've been seconds later) there was a multi-car pile-up. I had my husbands ashes in the front seat of the car with me the whole trip. I stopped at a convenience store to try and wait the rain out (no luck) and Rascal and I steamed up the car while the engine was off. My husband's hand print appeared on the windshield. (No I hadn't washed the car in several months - still haven't).

Kath, I had a argument with my husband the night before I had to take him to the ER. I'll never forgive myself for it (even though I was right The next day was the last time he was able to speak to me. When I had to leave the ER because they were installing a breathing tube, he winked at me. I'll never forget it. I like the idea of burning a letter. I wrote a prayer to God and put it in my Bible a couple of weeks after Bob was gone. I wonder if I should do the same with it. It won't bring my husband back, but it maybe somehow he'll get the message of how much I love him.

Hi Boo, I took a Xanax last Sunday evening due to the same sort of "attack" and it does help. Luckily, I haven't had an attack since. I was having them every 2-3 days or so since returning from my trip. Thanks for thinking of me. I'm here watching TV and trying to get through the Sunday blues.

Thanks everyone. I know I shouldn't but a friend gave me some of her Xanax (I've had it years ago, so I knew it would be OK), and it definitely helped the "attack" I had last night. As soon as I started feeling that certain weirdness, I took it and in 20-30 minutes, I could actually sit down on the bed. Since my GP moved, I'm going to get an appointment with this friend's doctor. I hate to take meds., but anything has to be better than suffering physical symptoms when we already have the emotional ones. I totally understand about PTSD also, that happens to me as well. I just can't get the images out of my head at times.

Hi Boo, I hate this is happening to you, but I'm glad to know it's not just happening to me - it's really scary. I'm sure my BP goes up when I'm having these things, but otherwise, when I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, it was normal. Thanks for your input.

I haven't been posting a lot because I often don't know what to say. I'm really depressed and have been since I returned from N.M. - maybe before then. I don't know what is going on half the time because I'm having what I believe to be panic attacks about every three days. I don't know what triggers them. Perhaps my inner ear problem while on my trip has made me ultra sensitive, but when these "attacks" start, my hearing changes. Actually, it's as if the sound in the room (tone) changes. Then, my heart speeds up and I have to keep walking around the house because I feel if I sit or lay down, I'll pass out. I know it makes no sense. Has anyone else experienced this, and are they indeed some sort of panic attacks. I do continue to read the posts here, and while I feel so horrible for all of us, it does help me to know I'm not alone with this, and that there are people out there who know what this horror is like. I don't feel that others understand at all who haven't been through it. It will be seven months for me on Wednesday and it feels like yesterday that I lost the love of my life. When I look back at the last few months, it feels I've done nothing but cry, but when I break it down, I have done some things including my trip to N.M. I planted a garden even though it was painful. My husband always planted a garden, and I did it this year because I felt that I was somehow letting him down if I didn't. I also recently enrolled in an online course to get my A+ certification since I need a real job to make ends meet. It's not easy to concentrate, but I force myself to get through the lessons. I've also made a lot of mistakes because I made big decisions without having a clear mind. Perhaps the biggest mistake was renting out my basement apartment because I needed the income. I did that in April. The renter moved out last week. Now, I don't know if I'm making a mistake or not by renting it again to someone different, but I sure can use the $$ while I'm getting certified. I'm still going through the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. My husband thought I was the best wife a person could have, but I look back and I just don't know that I was especially in the last few weeks of his life. Things were so stressful, and I was so scared that I fussed at him for trying to do things I didn't think he should be attempting. I should never have fussed about anything - he didn't deserve that. Thanks for listening.

From the perspective that is mine: My husband worked with Michael and McMahon. My husband actually shot "Moonwalker" and his friend produced "Thriller" (George Folsey, Jr.). (Fawcett was a heart breaker.) I'll say this. These people have families. I wasn't surprised by their deaths because I'm just so sensitive to death right now, but currently there are actual jokes going around about Jackson and his death. If any of you receive these things via email. Please, out of respect for his family, delete them. I can assure you, none are true. Thanks, Mel (P.S. Honey, you wouldn't believe this crap.) Wish my husband was here....

Happy Birthday, Kim.

Mary Linda, Of course you hurt and it brings up everything again. I personally have found myself more protective of my dog since Bob died, and just the thought of something happening to him puts me in a tailspin. I'll be praying for you.

I wish I had some words of wisdom at this point. I just had my six month mark and cried the entire day. I've found that if I can manage to stay busy, I don't think about it as much as I first did, but the minute I run out of something to do (or tell myself I'm not going to do anything else), I'm back to crying I was thinking the other day how besides the fact that we have this unbearable grief to endure, we still have t do things like go to the grocery store and pay bills - those things get on my nerves so much now because they seem petty in the whole scheme of things, and they seem to get in the way of my grief. Does that even make sense? I'm looking at having to sell the house for a smaller one since I don't have a job yet and that hurts as well because I'm not motivated. Then I thought, what if I won the lotto? So what - I wouldn't have to think about bills, but I doubt I'd be jumping for joy - because what I really want is my husband - I think that knowing that you'll never get what you really want in your life makes everything seem mundane. We had what we wanted, and it was taken away from us. How can we ever be happy again? I hear people who have lost spouses several years back say that you will be happy again. I don't see it, but I'll hold to it if it's all I've got.

Here it is Sunday again, and I have the Sunday blues. As I was stating in a previous post, it seems that every time I hear of someone sick and dying or who has passed, I'm a wreck. Yesterday, I thought I would do something nice to take my mind off of me. There was a high school graduation party in my neighborhood, and one of the kids graduating has cancer and could not be there and she just learned that more tumors are showing up and she has given up, so I put a volunteer crew together and shot some footage for her - the first time I've done this in a long time and didn't know if I even knew how any more. I've never met this girl, but hearing her friends talk about her, I lost it, which is something that I'm also upset about. I don't see how I can be professional and try to find work or create work if I can't hold it together for one event. I just feel lost and wonder who this person is that I am suddenly forced to be.

It's all so sad. My husband's friend was Zeto (David Carradine) and I'm getting a lot of email about it. I hate that this has happened. Regardless of the circumstances, I feel so horrid for his family. Thanks for your support.

Thanks, Marty. I printed mine off and plan to use a couple this evening. I've had a rough couple of days. For some reason, when I hear of someone dying, I'm right back in December, even if it's no one I know. (A friend's father passed yesterday). Thursday, a friend of my husband's passed under possibly bizarre circumstances in Thailand, and I just cried both days. I just spoke to him not that long ago. Maybe it's that it reminds me of what I went/ am going through, and I feel so badly for the families.

Do Sundays seem to be worse for everyone or just me? I don't know why exactly, but I feel horrible emotionally every Sunday, and I usually welcome Mondays. However, tomorrow marks six months that I lost the love of my life. Thanks for the messages regarding my health. I feel better, and all of my tests were fine. I'm choosing not to have the CT scan that the doctor wants. I don't think it's necessary and I don't have insurance. I'm certain that my problems were coming from my sinus infection and seasonal allergies, but sometimes the docs want to go overboard = more $$.

For those who say I've been an inspiration: I don't know much, but I can say that in our darkest hour, we have two choices: We either put on our fake, but best, faces and plow through, or we lay down and die. According to the doctors I had to face today, maybe I did both. We'll see when the tests come back, but I DID fulfill a promise, and for that, I'm eternally grateful.

Thanks everyone. Boo, it seems we're living some parallels. I have a light that I always turn on in the living room. It was working when I left. It's not the bulbs or the breaker; it just quit. It's just compounds the darkness. As for what next - I have lots of mundane chores and mail to take care of, but I do have to start working on finding a job. The first thing I suppose is send out a mass email to people I know. I find that to be an effective way to get work, but it has been a while since I've had to do it. It's so strange to me to be in total survival mode and nothing more.

I didn't mention that Monday the 25th was my birthday. I was glad I was in the pouring rain in Shreveport so I couldn't think about how special my husband always made it for me.

I'm finally home after around 4000 miles of travel with the dog. I accomplished my mission and honored my husband's wishes. Now that I'm here in this empty house that no longer smells like him or me, what do I do now? I don't have a plan. Knowing I had to make the trip was something I had to do, and all else was put on hold. Thank you all for sticking by me during this heart broken and painful journey.

I''m finally on my way home. I was VERY ill the last week and had to turn to drastic measures - a shot in my butt. Anyway, I pick up my mother tomorrow and we'll travel six days home. It was very difficult to leave my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, and I hope to return soon. Thanks for all your prayers.

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately, I only made it three hours on Sat. before I had to stop and have my brother-in-law come to my rescue. I had the same dizziness that I had in the mountains, so now I know it wasn't altitude, but maybe an inner ear infection. So I'm here for two more weeks and trying to find a doctor. My mother will fly here in a couple of weeks to help me drive home. When it rains, it pours.

Hi everyone, Thanks for all of your support during a most difficult time for me. I'm leaving for home in the morning and I'm so depressed. It'll be a long trip. I need your prayers.

I am in Southeastern NM at my brother's-in-law house. I was going to take off tomorrow for home, but I'm just too depressed. What's there for me? So I'm going to wait until next Sat. It'll be different than the trip here because I had a goal. Now, I'm just aimless, but I know I have to get home and look for work. I suppose I'll just exist and survive. Today makes five months that I lost the love of my life. I'm here in his home town, and I just keep looking for him. His brother and I have spent the week - some in tears - with long conversations. We just hurt.

Mission Accomplished.

I think so, Marty, because I sat in the car on the side of the road asking God to send me some help. I was so scared I would pass out and no one would find me. 30 miles getting to Taos on that road is about 45 minutes or so. Those people could've easily when I refused to go to the hospital just left me there or take me back to the little small town to try to find a room.