mrspapajohn

Boo, Marsh and Kay - - Thank you all for thinking about me. It was a hard day, but I got through it, I'm pretty proud of myself. I found a small house right here in Phoenix that I put an offer on. It's a lot smaller than where I am now, but the price is right. I have to hit the savings account every month to stay here and I know that I can't keep on doing that. Thank you again for thinking about me and Stephen. These anniversaries are tough. I'm so gladI found this site and people like you. Kathy

Teny - - Marsha and Kay are right. We grieve differently for our parents than we do our spouse. I lost my mother at 91 three years before I lost Stephen. I miss my mother terribly, but the grief is not the same as I experienced (and still experience) when Stephen died. My heart goes out to you. You must not blame yourself for not being more with your mother. The grief you experienced when Yiani died was all and more than you could handle. Just remember, they are both in your heart and will always be there. Kathy

Boo - - I think that everyone on this site not only is proud of you, they love you for all the help, support and understanding that you have so freely given. You are right when you say that people don't understand how you feel, but I am sure that the people in your life love you too. How could they not. Do not let this change you. If someone doesn't follow through on a promise, contact them and ask why. If they still don't follow through, tell them you will get someone else. Hire another person if you need to. You are one of the strongest people I know. I can't imagine anyone taking your genrosity and kindness as weakness. Don't stop being your own self - generous and kind, but if you believe that someone is misinterpreting this, show them your tough side right away. They'll get the message. I'll be thinking about you. Love, Kathy

Wendy - - My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you are going through so much. Please take care of yourself. You and your family will be in my heart and my thoughts. Kathy

Shyman - - I am so sorry to hear of your great loss. In fact two great losses coming so close together. You must be numb, especialy since being with Tanya since high school. Just try to get through the next few days the best you can. My husband and I had no children either - - just cats and it is still hard to come back to an empty house. After a while, I got to actually feel Stephen in my heart, so I did not feel so alone any more. It took awhile, but I am better now that I know Stephen is always with me. I hope that eventually you will get that same kind of peace - - not everyday, but most days. I know you have some very hard days to go through until you get there. There will be times when you may think that you are going crazy. You're not. I know that I went through just about every emotion known to man. Please c ome back to this site when you can. You will find much understanding and support here. Kathy

Oh, Valley - - You are so right when you say that love is a treasure. My Stephen is in my heart, just as your Tom is in yours, and they will always remain there, always be with us. Kathy

Nebster - - I am so sorry for your loss. It is with a sad heart that I welcome you to our group. My husband passed away in January, 2009 and I remember the first month anniversary was like someone peeled my skin off. For now, just try to take care of yourself. You will have much support here from people, who like you, have lost the love of their lives. Kathy

Fay - - My heart goes out to you. There are so many different and strong emotions to go through when you lose your loved one that it's hard to say how you should be feeling. I cried for quite awhile, then felt numb, then angry, then I cried again. At some points I felt that I either was insane or I was going insane. Then I started to come to this site and found out that there are so many ways to feel, that every feeling is normal. The common denominator is sadness. I will be thinking of you. Please come back and tell us how you are doing. We will be here to support you. Kathy

Mary Linda - - He's gorgeous and so very sweet looking. Hooray for both of you! Kathy

Jo - - You have a lot of people thinking about you and praying for you. I don't blame you for being scared, but tomorrow will come, as will the next day and the next. I wish I could be there with you to hold your hand and help you get through this. I will be there in spirit, as will Jose. Kathy

Jo - - My husband died here in Phoenix, AZ but he is buried in his hometown of Ft. Worth, TX. I have flown down several times to visit his grave, and, at first, I was even thinking of moving there so that I could be near him. On one of my trips, his brother took me out to eat. His wife and son followed in their car. When his son got out of the car, I almost fainted. He looked exactly like my husband when he was young. For a fleeting moment, I thought that Stephen had come back to me. Like you, I got semi-hysterical. I just couldn't stop crying and I'm sure that no one understood why. Sometimes, even when I come in my own house, just from getting the mail, I expect to see Stephen on the couch smiling up at me. That empty spot alwways makes me cry with longing for my beloved husband. So, you see, what you felt and your response is not so different from what many of us have gone, and are still going, through. Your description of how you felt when that door opened really made my heart go out to you. Boo - - I, too, have an identity crisis. For example, whenever I go the cleaners, I am greeted as Mrs. Papajohn, and I feel that is what I will always be as I still cannot picture my life without Stephen. Nor do I want to. (((((hugs))))) to all and I hope your weekend is a peaceful one. Kathy

Teny - - My far away friend. I am so sorry that you are so depressed, but I think that is to be expected when you lose the love of your life. You are right when you sat it's something we never get over, but we do learn to live with it. Thanks to you and others on this site, I am looking forward to getting to that stage in my grief and that hope keeps from despair. I still cry every day also. I am so glad that you have your grandchildren and your work. Cherish both. Kathy

Oh, Talia - - I am so happy for you. You must be on a roller coaster of emotions. I will be thinking of you and Samantha. Kathy

Sue and Laurie - - I so wish that I could say something that would make this terrible loss easier for you. Tomorrow it will be six months since I lost my husband, Stephen, and I am already preparing for this dark anniversary. I must say that on the outside at least, things have gotten better. The numbness has worn off and the real work of grieving has begun. I know the love in my heart will last forever, and that is a comfort. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Kathy

Kay - - Please don't ever "shut up." Your posts have helped me get through some of my darkest days. Thank you. Kathy

Suzanne - - I'm not sure that you're in the minority. Kathy

Mel - - Not only did my eyes get sore from crying (I still cry at least once a day - but nothing like before), my doctor told me I was suffering fronm PTSD. Out of nowhere, I would visualize Stephen's face at the moment he died. My blood pressure would go up (I am on BP meds now), I would get chest pain and it would become so hard for me to breathe that I had to yawn to get a breath. My doctor prescribed anti-anxiety pils for me and though they don't help the sadness, they help these symptoms. She (my doctor) told me that the pills will not interfere with the natural progression of grieving. Maybe you should see about it. Boo is right. You certainly have been an inspiration to me. I have been to Ft. Worth three times now to visit my husband's grave, and I'm not sure that I could have done it had I not been so inspired by your journey. I wish that I could say something to make you feel better, but I can only tell you to be nice to yourself. If your husband thought that you were the best wife in the world, then you were. Kathy

Laurie - - I am sorry that you had to join our group and so sorry that you lost your husband. The first few months seem especially rough, so please take mlg's advice and just do what you need to do to keep going. Please come back and tell us your story and how you are doing. Kathy

Kay - I hope that you do not mind that I am replying all though I have only been a member of the group for about 5 months. I just wanted to let you all know that reading your posts, sharing your heartbreak and your courage has kept me going. Like many of you are still saying, life holds little joy for me without Stephen and most of the time I feel like I am just waiting to join him. Then I read some of your posts that are so filled with strength and courage and I am encouraged to go on. Thank you. Kathy

Teny - - I am so happy that your granddaughter is doing well and that you get to see her so often. I think that "Jane" is a beautiful name and that you should at least mention it. What do you call her if she isn't named yet? Take care my far-away friend. I will be looking for your posts. Kathy

Kim - - I'm sorry to be sending you a belated happy birthday. I wish that your Dan could be here with you, too. I hope that you got through the day o.k. and that the next one will be easier. Kathy

Thank you all for your very kind wishes. I flew to Ft. Worth and visited Stephen's grave on my birthday. We always shared our birthdays, so it was like it was his birthday, too. Two of Stephen's brothers and one of his sisters joined me at his grave, where we left flowers and each spoke to him for a long time. Afterward, we all went out to dinner and I felt not only his family's warm and loving embrace, I felt as if he were there with me. It is strange to feel such sadness because I miss him so, but such comfort at the same time. Thank you again for all your kind sentiments. I really feel that I have found a family on this site. Kathy

Urchin - - I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It has been just over 5 months for me and I still don't care if my house is cleaned or not. And, my closest friends who listen to all my ramblings are my two cats. Like you, I would be lost without them. I agree with Wendy that you might try sending Sterling's brochure to your friend and let her decide whether or not to answer. She must be in terrible pain also and perhaps you could help each other. I know that I don't think that I could have survived without the friends that I have met on this site who have gone through the same dark hours that I have, and are still going through them. But really, for now, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, take Boo's advice and try to eat and take care of yourself. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Kathy

Thank you all for your kind and loving sentiments. I arrived in Ft. Worth last night and will be looking at houses today. Already, I have received such compassion and caring from Stephen's family. It is good to be in Stephen's town. Kathy

Hi all - - It's been a harder month than usual fo me. I know they're all difficult, but this one seems to be relentless in its sadness. The fifth anniversary of Stephen's death was June 6. I can still picture the look on his beautiful face when he died, and his lips were still warm when I kissed him. Yesterday, June 13, was the one year anniversary of when Stephen received his liver. I remember on that day, I was especially nervous because it was Friday the 13th, a day I have always dreaded. After Stephen came out of surgery, they let me sit right besde him until he woke up from the anasthesia. After coming to the Mayo at least twice a week (not including many emergency visits) for the last four years while he was on the waiting list made all the health care workers seem like family. I remember the nurses from outpatient infusion, where he had had twice-weekly blood transfusions for over a year, coming into to his room to congratulate him. Same with the kind nurses and doctors who gave twice-weekly paracenthesis for the last three years. Plus, nurses and technicians from all over the hospital coming into his room. The word had spread quickly: "Steve Papajohn got a liver" We were all so happy. Even with the pain of the surgery, Stephen felt so well, he wanted to get up and moving right away. Yesterday, remembering all that happened that day, how we were so happy and so hopeful, looking around at my miserable existance without Stephen, I just couldn't stop crying. I don't think that I have ever in all my life been so sad. Tomorrow, I am flying to Ft. Worth to visit Stephen's grave. June 19th is my birthday and we always celebrated each other's birthday as if it were "our" birthday. I believe we actually felt like one person, albeit one with two birthdays a year. Just looking ahead to the 19th, I know that I will be a basket case. I am also going to look for a house for real this time. Stephen's older brother Roy has offered to share all expenses with me (very appealig financially) and also share the home. Ft. Worth sounds and feels very alien to me, a girl originally from Boston without an ounce of "cowgirl" in her. My mother's ashes were spread in the White Tank Mountains here in Arizona, and I almost feel like I am abandoning her. Often, I drive out to the White Tanks and just think about her. I will miss that. I miss her. Please think of me while I am in Ft. Worth and cross your fingers that I can find a suitable, affordable house (big enough for 4 cats, my two and Roy's 2). I am already dipping into savings to stay in this one and I know that can't last for long. At least I will be near to my beloved's grave and I will be able to go see him. Thank you all for listening. I will be back in Phoenix next week and I'll post what happened on my trip. Kathy