mrspapajohn

Rochel - - You are so right when you say that grief does not conform to your schedule. It can hit at absolutely any time. Whe I get like you were, I cancel plans and stay home, or if I'm already there, I say, "Sorry, I need to be alone right now." Then, I go home and cry. Your real friends will understand. One thing that I've learned, postponing emotions just makes them worse. It has gotten better over the months and continues to improve. These "episodes" are becoming less frequent, and I am in more outward control when they do hit. I wish you strength and peace. Kathy

Mary Linda - - You have been such a great help to me since I lost Stephen. Your strength has given me strength and I so wish that I could be there for you to talk with, cry with, or whatever you want. Please know that you and Tom are in my thoughts and prayers. Kathy

Oh, Linda - - I am so sorry that you lost Brian. I can actually feel the love between you when I read your words. There is nothing so difficult as this that we will ever go through. It has been almost 10 months since I lost Stephen and I still cannot picture my life without him. You are fortunate to have a friend that understands. My mother outlived my father by 20 years, and although she never forgot him, she did laugh and actually feel joy again. When his name came up, she actually smiled. That gives me hope. I hope that it will do the same for you. Kathy

Teny, my dear friend - - I wlll be with you on Monday, thinking about both you and Yiany. It is only a little less than 10 months since I lost Stephen, but every day seems like a new anniversary and I seem to only miss him more. I wish you peace and happiness and I send you (((hugs))) through cyberspace. Wendy - - I am so sorry about your neck. I have a torn rotator cuff, so I know the pain just typing into the keyboard can bring. Like you, I so miss my husband even more now. On top of the pain, I feel sorry for myself because he is not here to take care of me. I have missed seeing your posts also. Please come back when you can and get well soon. Kathy

Ted - - I am so sorry for your pain. The same tidal waive of grief swept over me the time I visited Stephen's grave and saw the stone in place. Just looking at his date of birth and date of death seemed like a dream. The beginning and the end. So final. So short. Last night I saw Patrick Swayze's widow on TV. She said that grief was like an rabid animal, devouring all sense and happiness. I completely identified with that. But it changes. It gets better. Stephen has been gone for eight months and the other day, I spoke with a friend of his who reminded me of Halloween that we all spent together and, for the first time at the mention of Stephen's name, I didn't cry. That is progress. Please, just try to take things day-to-day. It is probably the most difficult thing we will ever go through, but we wll get through it. Adrianne will always be in your heart, as Stephen is in mine, and someday this will bring comfort rather than pain. Kathy

Linda - - You just described my early days to a T. The hurt, the longing, the impossible pain. I am so sorry that you lost Brian. This kind of loss is so hard to bear - - but we do. We keep going on and though we can't picture life without the one we love, we still go on. I know it's different for everyone, but it seems that eventually our emotions are on the inside. We cry less, scream less, but the sadness remains. At some point, we actually feel the presence of our love in everything we do. Eventually we start talking to him. Eventually, the mention of his name makes us smile. Eventually we laugh. Peace and ((hugs)) Kathy

Ted - - Thank you for sharing the poem with us. It is lovely. Kathy

Oh, Linda - - I am so sorry that you lost Brian and are feeling so alone. I had the same feelings after Stephen died, and sometimes, I still do. There are nights when I don't go to bed at all because the loneliness and missing him are so all-consuming. I can just tell you that it does get better. Those first months were the worst, but in spite of yourself, you'll find that you do get through them. You will be in my thoughts. Kathy

Ted - - Every one seems to find relief differently. When Stephen first passed away, I felt tremendous guilt and just wanted to be alone to try to work my way through it. After a while, I found that talking it out helped. I was lucky enough to have a friend who had also gone through a similar time and was there to listen whenever I wanted to talk. There are still times (many) that all I want to do is be alone with my own thoughts, so I guess my answer would be to try counseling to see if it works for you. This is probably the most difficult thing we will go through in our lives snd I wish you the very best. You are in my thoughts. Kathy

Lucia - - Funerals are the worst. Like you, I feel all the old memories coming back and it is hard to hold myself together. I hope that today is better for you. Kathy

Deborah - - It was several years after my mother died that I finally dreamt of her. After about 6 months, I began having dreams of Stephen. They were so real. One night I even though I felt his arm moving over my waist to hug me and I cried out in joy. I must say, that although the dreams of Stephen are always happy, I cry when I awake and realize that they are not real. Tim - - I, too, did not know whether I should move from Phoenix to Ft. Worth where my husband's family is and where he is buried. In one of my dreams, Stephen and I were playing golf and he looked up and said, "The Arizona sky. There is never a time when it isn't beautiful." That settled it. I decided that I'm not going anywhere. Kathy

Bam - - I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I, too, was numb for quite a while. I don't remember anything of the services and funeral except that a very young soldier came up and handed me a folded American flag. My husband was a Vietnam veteran and although his service was almost 40 years ago, there was still a contingent to honor him and give me a flag. Stephen died nine months ago and there are still times when I can't believe it. I expect to see him sitting on the couch and smiling up at me, happy that I've come home, every time I walk in through our door. What I can tell you is that very raw pain will turn to sadness and as time goes by, it seems that we gain more control over our outward emotions. I am so grateful for this site. Because of it, I know that I do not have to travel this awful road by myself. We are all traveling it together and we are all here for each other. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Kathy

Ted - - Thank you for posting that verse. I felt every word in my heart. Two months was a very difficult time for me (as is every anniversary). I wish you peace. Kathy

I took my time cleaning out the closets. He had so many clothes and what seemed like hundreds of golf and polo shirts. Kept a few clothes that Stephen seemed to love, and kept his golf clubs (those are never going anywhere). I gave most of his clothes to his family in Ft. Worth. On one of my many trips to Ft. Worth, I saw his nephew wearing one of his nicer golf shirts. The nephew so resembled Stephen when he was young that it took my breath away. I have not been able to give anything else away since. Kathy

My doctor prescribed anti-depressants for me after my husband died, because I could not stop crying. The pills did not alleviate my sadness, but they did help me get control of my outward emotions. All-in-all, they really did help. I have not even been tempted by alcohol. I know that it is a depressant and I certainly do not need that. I do have a glass of wine at dinner with friends, but I never drink alone. There are still times when I lay in bed and can't keep unwelcome images out of my mind. Then, I still get up and take an anti-depressant. It calms me enough that I can sleep. Every one is different, but I relied on my doctor and it worked out for me. Kathy

Paula - - I wish you strength and peace in spreading your husband's ashes. My mother, who died several years ago, requested my husband to spread her ashes in the White Tank Mountains in Arizona. At the time, I thought that it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but my husband was there to give me strength. He died last January and, since yesterday was my mother's birthday, I visited the White Tanks alone. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I am sorry that your husband's family will not be there with you when you spread his ashes. You are correct when you say that it will be their loss. You should be so proud of yourself for carrying out his wishes. Just remember that wherever you go, he will always be with you. Kathy

Kimi - - I am so sorry that you are going through such pain. I know exactly how you felt when you saw the healthcare facility that provided care for your husband. My husband was under the care of the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale and about six months after he died, I had to go to the same clinic for care. When I pulled into the parking lot, I said to myself, "I can do this," but when I got to registration I just lost it. There seem to be reminders everywhere that bring back a lot of that initial raw pain. I can't even drive with the car radio on for fear that I'll hear a song that will remind me of Stephen. Not that I ever forget him; he is constantly with me, or on my mind, but some things just seem to ignite the pain and make it so very sharp. Please return here and let us know how you're doing. Kathy

Mandi and Ted - - I am so very sorry for what you are both going through. The pain and guilt seem overwhelming. I know that when my husband died, I cried steadily for about two months. There are still some pretty bad days, but at least I know now that I can get through them. Please, take care of yourselves. Grief is hard work and being ill does not make it any easier. This site has helped me more than anything else. I am just so sorry that you have had to make your way here. But you have found a group of very loving and caring people. Kathy

Nancy - - Please add my heartfelt wishes to Boo's. Kathy

Valey - - You are in my prayers. Please let us know when you get home. Kathy

Susie - - I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your husband. My husband, Stephen, died the same day that Boo lost her husband. I can only agree with everything she has said - - especially to do want you want and only what you feel you are able to do. The only thing thing that is a must, is to do your best to take care of yourself through this awful time. Kathy

Deborah - - When I read your post my first thoughts were that I could have written almost the very same words on every monthly anniversary of Stephen's death. It is undoubtedly the hardest thing that we have to go through in this life. Here, the significant words are "go through" because we will pass through this terrible, terrible time. I cannot imagine ever forgetting such a love as we were lucky enough to have, and they will always be in our hearts - - in fact part of our very essence, but the pain will lessen. I watched my mother go through her grief when my father died. She outlived him by 21 years. I knew that she was in pain, but I didn't know the extent of that pain until my own husband died. But I do know that she laughed again, and actually felt joy again, and that gives me hope. I wish you peace and my heart goes out to you. Kathy

Nancy - - There are not words to express how my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband in a similar fashion eight months ago and I still remember the rawness and pain. Like you, we moved to Arizona and because we were so isolated by his illness, local friends were non-existent. I really hope that you will contact me. Nothing can ease the pain, but if you need someone who has shared this horrible experience I am here. My e-mail is kpapajohn@cox.net and I am available at any time of the day or night. Kathy

Boo - - Your writing may have helped you, but it also has helped us - immensely. Thank you. Kathy

Teny - - I am with you in spirit. Like you, I have the bad days and some good. Like Boo, I am at eight months out (tomorrow) and the face of my beautiful husband fills my thoughts. Like Boo, I also believe that some day we will be united for eternity. Until then, I am sure that both Yiany and Stephen would want us to make the most of the life we have. After all, they fought so hard for theirs and it is precious. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you find some small amount of peace. Love from far away. Kathy