mrspapajohn

Oh, Kay - - I am so glad that George's birthday brings back happy memories to you. Happy Birthday, George. Kathy

Dusky - - I hope that Jack's birthday holds special happy memories for you. Happy Birthday from me, also, Jack. Kathy

Thank you all for your words of comfort. They really do mean a lot and I read and reread them several times. I know that you are all going through the same pain and I am so thankful that you take time to share your thoughts. Valley - - Stephen and I moved my mother out to Phoenix from Boston in 1981. She was seventy and I actually thought that she was too old to take care of herself. Can you imagine? I am now 65 and still feel "young" although I know my grief has aged me. My mother stayed pretty independent until she was about 89. She lived alone and absolutely refused help or to move into a retirement community. Then she had a stroke and she had no choice but to accept our help. She moved in with us, but she was never happy. I believe that if I had to do it over again, I would insist that she move into a retirement community or residence. There, and only in a place like that, would she get the care she needed. She might have even avoided the stroke if she had someone there all the time to make sure she took her medications. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is one of the hardest decisions and one of the hardest actions you may ever need to take. Doing it alone will undoubtedly make it even harder. But, sometimes when we love someone, we have to do things that they don't want for their own good - - because we love them. I know whatever decision you make will be the right one. I will certainly be thinking about you and wishing that I could be there to actually help you. Patti - - I spoke with both my aunts who have both been widowed for over 5 years and they cried when they told me what they went through when their husbands died. They did lose what they both loved the most, but each told me that they carry their husbands in their heart and that makes them never feel alone. I hope that is what you and the rest of us will get to. It is what keeps me going and already I know that Stephen is in my heart and will always be there. Thank you all again. I feel part of a kind, understanding family and I thank you all for that. Kathy

My dear husband Stephen died on January 6, 2009. I honestly believed that the worst was befind me. Ater all, I stopped crying all the time, 24 hours a day or whenever I wasn't sleeping at least. And I could actually hear his name without totally losing it. But, somehow, this monthly anniversary was the worst day I've had yet. Although I rarely, just about never, dream coherenly about Stephen, the night before this fifth month anniversary I dreamt that Stephen was alive. I swear, I felt his arm around me as I lay sleeping. I dreamt that the doctors were giving him dialysis and I even said to one that they must have hope that he would live if they were doing that. The doctor turned to me and said, "We don't want you to get your hopes up and then have your heart broken." I responded, "My heart is already smashed into a million pieces." Then, I looked into my husband's beautiful face and he just smiled at me. Then I woke up. For a minute, I looked beside me to see if Stephen was really there. All that was there in our bed was the flat space where he should be lying still. It was like losing him all over again. I believe that I cried non-stop all day and I wonder just how long his can go on. I read the other posts here and I wonder at the strength and courage of others who are going through the same thing. I know that I am supposed to morph into a new life. One without Stephen. But I don't want to. I just cannot picture my life without him for good or bad. I am like the walking dead myself. Life without Stephen holds no joy for me. I sometimes see how faith is helping some on this site, but I am not a spiritual person, so I get no comfort from that. Thank you for letting me vent here. I love each and every one of you here. I feel that we are somehow united by ths dark, horrible pain of unspeakable loss. Kathy

My Dear Friend - - Stephen will be gone 5 months tomorrow also. My heart feels absolutely empty. Like you, I believe that the shock has worn off and reality has set in. Everything just seems so dark and hopeless. I have not done one thing since Stephen died. I really don't care if things get done or not. The roof could fall in and I would just leave it. I counted the unopened cartons in the garage the other day and they totalled 72. I just don't have the heart to open them (and repack what I will need when I move). I just can't get over the longing to have Stephen back. I am still mad at God for taking him. I called each of my two aunts yesterday hoping for comfort. One has been a widow for 5 years. The other for 10 years. When they started telling me how they got through their version of widowhood, each broke down crying. They miss their husbands just as I miss Stephen. I guess that this is something we never get over. Wendy - - I know exactly what you felt when you heard the Beach Boys on your car radio. I have turned mine off because I am convinced that I would have killed myself or someone else because of the songs that would set me off while I was driving. Boo, I am glad that you are returning to counseling. I am planning to see a Psychologist starting the end of this month. I don't expect him to take the sadness away - just to listen and maybe help me with coping skills. Please take care. You have helped me so much during this horrid time. Kathy

Mary Linda - - I can only imagine how hard it must have been to go to your grandsons graduation alone. I remember in the letter that Stephen wrote to the family who donated the liver he received. He could not thank them enough because now, he believed, he could be present for all the milestones in his grandson's life. How unfair that both our husbands got cheated of those special joys. You are in my heart. Kathy

Oh, Deborah - - - I am so sorry that you are going through all this. The high blood pressure, I have it too and had to try several medications before they found one that I could tolerate. Don't give up; just keep telling your doctor what works and what doesn't. What we are going through takes a terrible toll on our bodies and our minds. I had cardiac bypass surgery about a year before Stephen died. The doctor keeps telling me to avoid stress. Of course, that is not possible. I can totally empathize with you on finances. In addition to all the pain of losing our beloveds, most of us have had our incomes cut in half too. I should have moved long ago because I simply cannot afford the house I am living in, but here I am. I guess I will end up waiting until the last minute because I just cannot get myself to take on the project of moving. It seems insurmountable. I imagine that it will take time before you get used to living without your son. You sound so brave when you say that it is time for him to move, and it probably is, but I believe that you may experience a kind of grief when he leaves. At first, it is very hard to be alone. In time, you get used to it and sometimes you even get to prefer it. Even though you can't imagine prefering to be alone when it first happens. I am so glad that you have the dogs. I would be lost without my cats. They are the best listeners in the world. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Take deep breaths and take care of yourself. It will get better. Kathy

Yousha - - I am very sorry about the loss of your wife and your sister. I believe that one never gets over losing someone they love. There is always the grief. Time just makes it tolerable. I lost my mother four years ago and then lost my husband, Stephen, almost five months ago. Losing Stephen made all the pain I felt when my mother died come rushing back. It was like a double whammy. The person who once gave me the most comfort, my mother, was not there when I needed her most. Perhaps the death of your sister, without your wife to comfort you, gave you similar feelings. I still can't sleep without a sleeping pill, so yes, I do believe that your grief may contribute to your physical ailments. I can only advise you to try to take care of yourself, be easy and kind to yourself, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every one on this site is going through the same hard journey through grief that you are. You will find a lot of support and understanding here. I will be thinking of you. Take care. Kathy

Sundays are bad for me also. I think it is because there is less hustle and bustle as there is during the week. More time to think, I guess. I hope that you get through tomorrow o.k. I know that the monthly anniversaries of Stephen's death are especially painful for me. I will be thinking of you. Kathy

Mel - - I'm sorry that I missed your birthday. I'm glad you got through it. I know it must be rough. Mine is in June and I'm definitely not looking forward to it. It stinks being home in an empty house. I hope that your dog will help a little. I would be truly lost without my cats. I wish that I could tell you what to do now, but I don't know myself. Do you plan to look for a job? That may take up some of your focus. No matter what you decide, good luck. You have been an inspiration. Kathy

Boo - - I am so happy to see you back and I'm glad you had a good time in Denmark. I know the wedding must have been tough to get through, and then to hear that song!! Please give your dogs an extra pat for me. Kathy

Fred - - I just want to thank you for your post. It came at a time when I really needed to be reminded that this terrible grief is a journey that I must take and that sometimes I will feel that I am starting from the beginning. All that raw pain overwhelming me again. But, like you, I know that this will pass. It will never go away, but it will get better. Kathy

Kath - - I am so sorry that the plans that you and Bob made will never happen. I feel sorry for myself for the same reason. It's not just being alone. I actually like being alone. But it is the longing for the sound of his voice, his arm pulling me closer to him at night, the smell, sound, touch and taste of him. The sight of his face lighting up whenever I came through the door - even if I had just gone out to get the mail. After Stephen received a liver last June, we began to make plans in earnest. It was a miracle that neither of us thought would happen after a very long four year wait on Mayo's transplant list. My dear husband that I loved so much was well again - - after four years in hell. We went dancing, went to movies, went out to eat. We were like newly weds, lost in each other's company. He loved golf, but had to delay that pleasure because after his surgery, his incision opened and that was taking longer to heal than the original operation. But he felt so well. I never knew that I could be so happy. Our main plan was to move back to Ft. Worth where Stephen's friends and family live. I had lost my mother (ironically, to liver disease, although she was 91) four years ago and I have really no family left. Just two octagenarian aunts back in Boston. I could hardly wait to get back to Ft. Worth to Stephen's large, gregarious family. Stephen even contacted a real estate agent and we began looking at houses online. We planned to fly to Ft. Worth the end of January, buy a house and just come back to Phoenix to pack and move. Stephen died on January 6, two weeks before our scheduled departure for Ft. Worth. I brought his body back to Ft. Worth where he is buried beside his father, and where, someday, I will lie next to him. Right now, I am trying to decide whether or not to remain in Phoenix or move to Ft. Worth where his family is. They are very supportive. I hear from one of his siblings daily. I just don't know if I could stand every day seeing where he grew up, went to school, other people he had loved - - the list goes on and on. I had to laugh when I read what you had written about two old and gray lovers sitting on a porch holding hands. Stephen said that he would even grow a long gray beard and we would sit on the front porch swing holding hands. I really believed that it was going to happen. See, I don't think our plans and dreams were that much different. But now, we have to make our own new plans, as hard as that will be. Since I still change my mind every day (sometimes every hour), I believe I'll wait until I become halfway reasonable, maybe even regain most of my sanity, to plan somerthing permanent. What are you planning for yourself now? Might you carry on with the plan you and Bob made together? Please let us know. Kathy

My Dear Teny - - I am so sorry that you have even more grief added to the grief you had when Yiany died. I wish there were some formula that I could give you to make you feel better. I lost my mother four years ago and all the pain and grief that I had when she died came rolling back when my Stephen died. Oh, how badly I wanted my mother to comfort me in my terrible loss. I think that I was in denial when she died, and it took Stephen's death to make everything real to me. I am still grieving for both of them, and I share your pain. This burden of sadness is so hard to bear. Please take it day by day and rejoice in your little accomplishments as they occur. Please try to get some comfort from your granddaughter. Again, I wish that there were something I could say to make it easier for you. I am so glad that you are still posting here. I think about you often. Kathy

Dear Lost My Best Friend, I am so glad that you found this site, but so sad that you needed to find it. Here, you will find others who have shared your nightmare and people who will listen and offer advice based on their own experience. I am going on 5 months since I lost my dearest friend Stephen, my husband of 28 years and still, I cry everyday. The first month after his death, everything seemed like a dream. I just could not stop crying. I cried all the time. If I was awake, then I was crying. This turned out to be most of the time because it was so hard for me to sleep without Stephen. I had to see a doctor because my eyes were raw from crying all the time. I live in Phoenix, but had my husband buried next to his father in Ft. Worth, TX. Our wedding anniversary fell in the second month after Stephen's death and I flew to Ft. Worth so that I could share the day with him. I know exactly what you mean when you say that life holds little for you now. When I was at Stephen's grave, I just wanted to lay down beside him and stay there. Then, I thought, Stephen would not want that. Stephen fought so hard to stay alive. Life was precious to him, as I'm sure it was to your husband. Much too precious to throw away. If for nothing else, I will live to honor my husband's life and our life together. How do you get through? Day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute. The pain is unbelievable. I never thought that it was possible to be so sad. But, even though I continue to be sad and unable to picture my life without Stephen, that raw, sharp and terrible pain has toned down. I think that time is nature's way of helping us. Please don't think you're crazy when you cry, scream and do whatever it takes to make the pain go away. I do not think that we are ever healed, but at least, I know that it does get better. Please keep posting and return to this site to let us know how you are doing. Kathy

Mel - - You succeeded with what you wanted to do. I'm so happy for you and proud of you. For right now, I am so glad that your mother will becoming out to get you home. Girl, I've been worried about you every step of the way (and I felt like I was taking every step with you). You have been an inspiration who has helped us all be stronger when we needed it most. Thank you and be safe. Kathy

Boo - - We will miss your kinds words of comfort while you're gone. Hurry back and be safe. Love Kathy

Partner - - I am so sorry for your loss and for the way you are being treated by your daughter-in-law. It just doesn't seem right. Your grandchildren would provide at least some measure of comfort. Everything passes, even anger, so I'm sure that things will change. Is there a reason that you cannot contact your son directly? As for thinking it would be easier to be with your husband, I can absolutely identify with that. Sometimes I wonder how I have any tears left. When I visit my husband's grave, all I want to do is lie down beside him and just stay there. Life is very difficult and even more so without the one person you love and who loved you back. But, I know that is not what my husband would want for me, and your husband would not want that for you. One thing is for sure, everything changes and everything passes. Even this darkness and this sadness. We may never be the same, but we will be better than we are now. I think about how hard my husband fought for life, and I know that I could not just throw away something that he found so precious. None of us know what the future holds for us, but we do have a future. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I will be thinking about you and praying that things get better. Kathy

Boo - - I'm sorry I'm late wishing you a happy birthday. I do hope you got to spend it at your sister's, and I also hope that you got through the day without too much sadness. Much love, Kathy

Teny - - I don't think that I can say it better than Leeann, but I am so sorry for what you are going through. I think of you often and try to picture you in that beautiful country where my husband's family originated. Leeann - - What you wrote is beautiful and inspiring. Thank you. Kathy

Boo - - Are you doing a little better now? I know that it's never good - - but better? I have been trying to figure out where to move to. Maybe I should move to Britain. I'll bet you make it a better place just by being you. Kathy

Marty - - Thank you so much for thinking about me and for sending me this blessing. It is really beautiful. My big problem is making - and sticking to, decisions. I think that my Arizona realtor is completely fed up with me and I don't blame her. I believe that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law feel the same way. I just keep changing my mind. One day I think that the best thing (and easiest) would be to stay right here in Arizona and find a smaller house in an adult community. I will be 65 next month and think that I might feel more comfortable around people my own age. The next day, I want to live close to where Stephen is buried. I know that he is not really there, but I feel compelled to go to his grave. I have been there twice now since he was buried in January and I am going back next month. I live in this house as if it were a cave. I keep all the blinds closed and I really don't want to have any face-to-face interactions with any one. There are really no happy memories here because Stephen was sick from the day we moved in. In fact, he was so ill when we sold our house that we tried to get out of the contract because I didn't think that I could get all our belongings and Stephen here by myself. We had planned to rent this house for only a few months while we looked for another one. That was four years ago. I am not staying here because I like the house or the memories. I am staying just because it is the easiest thing to do right now, and I question every decision I make. The problem is that the rent here is high and each month I have to hit the savings account to stay here. I can't go on doing that forever. I think about Ft. Worth, where Stephen is buried and where his family lives, and I think about tornados, ice storms and rain. On the plus side, I also think about Stephen's brother and sister. His sister was with me through the dark days after I brought Stehen home from the hospital. She never left my side. Just before he died, Stephen's esophagus began to bleed and for the next 24 hours, Becky took turns with me taking the blood out of Stephen's mouth so that he wouldn't drown in it. After Stephen died, Becky did everything. She made the arrangements here, made the travel arrangements to take Stephen back to Ft. Worth and made all the arrangements in Ft. Worth. This was Stephen's baby sister who adored her brother and must have been suffering terribly from her own grief. I will never forget what she did for me and I would love to live somewhere where I could see her and be near her. I feel the same way about Stephen's brother. He has spent all his free time trying to find me a suitable house in a suitable neighborhood. He calls or e-mails me every day, even though it has been almost four months since Stephen died. He was even so worried about me that he got an application for an apartment, sent it to me and told me that he would fly up here and help me move to the apartment in Ft. Worth right away, so that I could take my time and find a house that I would like. I think about all that Stephen's family has done for me and I don't want to disappoint them by not moving to Ft. Worth. Then I think about the beautiful Arizona weather. I would never not be able to drive here because of ice, fog, storms and all that is in Ft. Worth. Life here is easy. There are supermarkets and drugstores on every corner. I would not have to drive my poor cats across the country. I would not have to find a new doctor, get a new driver's license, and all the other details that are entailed in moving out of state. I am trying consider everything and in fact, I am becoming paralyzed with indecision. I know that I have to move in any case, the question in my mind is really where. Especially, when I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Thank you for listening and thank you for being here. I can't get over the kindness that I find here. This site has saved me many times. Kathy

Dusky - - Thank you for the song. Why is it that music seems to stir up the strongest emotions? Kathy

Notcoping - - You have just accomplished a very big milestone. I believe that all of us are very proud of you. I know exactly what you mean when you question what you are going "home" for. I feel that I don't really belong enywhere without Stephen and just feel so completely lost. I made an offer on a new, smaller house on Thursday and I withdrew the offer today. I just could not bear the thought of packing up and giving away so many things that we got together. My brother and sister-in-law really believe that I should move to Ft. Worth to be near my husband's family, but that seems such an enormous task. Ft. Worth seems so alien to me, but I just don't want to disappoint his family. His brother has spent all his free time trying to find me a place that I will like. I just don't have the heart to tell him that I don't think I can move there, especially because I believe that he feels that I am his responsibility because I am his brother's widow. But, I absolutely cannot make a decision. One day I think I know what I want to do, then the next day I change my mind. I do know that I have to move somewhere because I cannot afford to stay here much longer. I am not working either and that gives us a lot of alone time and time to think about what life was like "before." I actually like to be alone and feel that when someone calls or comes over to see how I am, that it is an intrusion. I sincerely hope that you can find a job that will not only help you with finances, but will give you something new to focus on. Once again, congratulations on your courage and fortitude. Kathy

Joanna - - I am so glad that you found some measure of comfort from the very spot where Denny died. My much loved husband of 28 years died at home with me by his side, and I find that I find comfort in just touching the place where he laid. He was buried out-of-state in a family plot next to his father and I am drawn to that spot like magnet. Although the tears flow like a river, I find comfort in standing by the big old tree that provides shade to his grave and talking to him for hours on end. I am really racking up the frequent flyer miles, but I understand how a place can mean so much. I hope you are also finding some measure of comfort in your life. This is a long, dark, difficult journey and my heart goes out to you. Kathy