JamesI

Dear Joanne: So sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. My mother died 6 months ago tomorrow and I thought I was feeling better, but, it sometimes hits you unexpectedly and overwhelms you without warning. It does get less intense and some days are better than others. This group is wonderful and all the people on here are helpful and comforting. It is good that you will be seeing a psychologist. It will help. I am seeing a grief counselor and also attending a grief support group. The support group helps too. I was told to wait a few months before attending a support group, but, you can discuss that with your psychologist. Just take it one day at a time. I was always close to my mother, and, I was also her caregiver which brought us closer. It has been a difficult journey for me, but, I am working through it. I loved my mother and I miss her very much. I can see that you were close to your mother also and loved her very much. I am sure it is difficult for you too. We all need to work through it and always remember that crying is part of the grieving and mourning process. Crying removes the toxins and helps us to heal. Be good to yourself and keep busy with your children. They will help you through your grieving. Hope it all works out for you. Take care, James

Hi Dee: I agree with everyone, that, it is really up to you, how you feel about going back to work. My mother died on March 20, 2009 and I was allowed 3 days for bereavement and wanted to take 2 weeks off and my job would not allow it. I worked for Blue Cross and they were not very supportive. I was forced to return to work and at times it seemed to distract me, but, I had alot of moments while at work that I could not focus on my work at all. I was caregiver to my mother along with 2 health care workers that helped out while I was at work. I was close to my mother and my grief journey has been difficult, but, I am working through it with the help of this forum and a grief counselor and I am also attending a bereavement group. I tried to get a shorter work week with the help of a doctor note, but, it was not approved. I needed to take days off and I eventually lost my job in July. I am waiting for possible unemployment. While alot of people say its good to keep busy and they believe that working will help, you need to make the final decision if you are really ready to return to work and you need to decide what kind of work you will be comfortable with. If you are up to it, maybe it would be good for you to visit with your sister. It certainly is something to consider. Just keep posting and reading on this forum. There are alot of caring and supportive members. It does help. Take things slow, 1 day at a time. Be well. Take care, James

Mary Linda, You are so caring and supportive to all of us on this forum and I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Just know that we all care about you and I am sure everyone will agree and that we are all sending you lots of hugs. My father had prostate cancer, which was treated, but, 8 years later it came back and unfortunately spread. He died on March 20, 1999. While there are have been alot of advances in treating cancer, there are times when we really do not have any control over certain cancers. Sad, but true. There will always be certain days that will remind us of something that we may not really want to or need to deal with. I believe we should just let these days go and focus on our happy times and good memories. Maybe the next time that your inlaws invite you over, you may reconsider and go this time. You did say that you still care about them and you do miss them, even though they do what they do to you. We all know that no one is perfect. My cousin invited my brother and myself to a gathering about 2 months after my mom died and I really did not want to go, but, I did. It turned out ok, but, I admit that I was not too comfortable being there. It was really too soon in my case. Since my mom died on March 20, 2009, I really do not listen to music. I may listen to instrumental music sometimes, but, usually I am not comfortable listening to music with singing. I rather listen to talk radio. Mary Linda, you are not going crazy. We all go through these feelings. Always remember that you have alot to offer. You are caring, supportive, and very understanding of people's feelings. You are here to help others and everyone appreciates you and in conclusion you will be helped too. We all love you too, Mary Linda. Take care, James

The same thing happened to me a few times. I had stopped crying for awhile and after a few days it kind of sneaks up on you. I have been reading alot of books on grief and I see a counselor and she gave me some bits of advice. Just do what you can, if you feel like it, but do it in baby steps, like 1 step at a time or 1 day at a time. I really dont think one should shut off their feelings. We need to feel what we feel and let it out and go through it. If we need to cry, then we should cry. Crying helps us to heal. I've been getting all kinds of advice and suggestions from other members and they mentioned that while we are on this journey, it can sometimes feel like a roller coaster. There will be lots of ups and downs. That is so true. Hope this helps. Take care, James

Chai: What you told Nikol reminded me of the same feelings. I really miss talking with my mother and I hope that I would dream of her. I have had some vague dreams, but, wish the dreams would be more vivid. I also miss hugging my mother as you said about hugging your father. I suppose we are normal because we loved them so much and of course we miss them so much. take care, James

Thank you Mary Linda for the Irish Blessing.... It is very comforting... James

I know what you mean about people not liking to talk about grief. Its good to see a grief counselor. It does help. If you get a chance before seeing the counselor or whenever you feel up to it, get to the library and read a book on grief. I've been reading alot of books on grief and it did help me, especially, when I was not able to get to talk to someone. It is very important that you see a grief counselor. The grief counselor will help you. Its been 1 month and, yes, it is hard, but, as time goes by it will get better, and, don't get discouraged because there are days that you will feel better and there are days that you may not feel so great. I also know what you mean about missing your parents. I miss mine too. My father died 10 years ago and my mother died on March 20, 2009, 5 months ago. I'm a grown man, so, I still loved them very much and I miss them very much. We are not weak, we are strong. You need strength to grieve and always remember that crying is not a sign of weakness. You need to let it out. Crying lets out the toxins. Crying will help heal. So, if you need to cry, cry. Just keep reading these posts. There are alot of caring people in this group and it can be helpful to read their posts, and their suggestions and advice may help too. We are all on this journey together and we may be able to help each other. Take care of yourself. James

Shelley: People that tell you not to cry or that you are a baby are all wrong. Like Boo told you, they are uncomfortable seeing someone cry because they do not want to deal with their own emotions. When someone loses a loved one that they loved very much and they obviously miss very much, what else can one do other than cry. I have been reading alot of books on grieving and mourning and crying is good for you and releases the toxins in your body and helps you to heal. I lost my mother on March 20, 2009 about 5 months and I have been crying lately almost every day. I am not weak, I am not a baby, and neither are you. I loved my mother and I miss my mother and it does not matter how old anyone is. Greiving and mourning is rough, but, we need to get through it. If we feel like crying then we need to cry. I suppose it may be best to try and cry in a quiet place sometimes if we can, but, sometimes the crying comes out when we least expect it and you cannot help it and you cannot let people tell you what to do. Your emotions are you own and you have the right to express your emotions. I see a grief counselor and I was attending a bereavement group also. The counselor and the group do help, but, we need to help ourselves too. Talk to your friends that support you and understand you. This discussion group is very helpful. There are many people in the group that are very caring and comforting. It is good that you are working with children. It must be rewarding for you. Hope things get better for you. Take care. James

I too told my mother every day that I loved her, because, I had a feeling that I could lose her at anytime. My mother was 87 and she had some health issues, but, she was doing well. Age makes no difference. We never want to see them go. Loving your mother and missing her so much now is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. You are grieving your mother and although it may hurt, it should help you feel better, sometimes. Let's face it, it is rough, but, you can do it. You need to get through it. You need to let it out. Just take your time and let it out at your own pace. I know what you mean about when your father died, you had your mother to help you through it, but remember, your mother also had you to help her through it. I think that 1 month is too soon for you to be in a group setting. I was told to wait at least 3 months, before joining a group. You may consider seeing a grief counselor. Is there a friend or relative you can call on the phone or speak with for comfort? I know from own experience that everyone tells you to call if you need anything, but, then, they are not always there when you really need them. I have been fortunate with 1 or 2 friends that do listen when I call them, and that does help at times. It has been 5 months since my mother passed away and I still miss her very much and I cry when I need to. This website is very helpful. Just reading the posts does help and its comforting to get some replies too. Just take it one day at a time. JamesI

Hi Nicole, I lost my mom on March 20, 2009 and I am older than you. Like others have told you, age does not matter. We never want to see our parents go. It hurts so very much. There are no easy answers, but, there is always a time when we can feel some comfort by sharing our feelings with others as we are doing on this forum. It also helps to talk to the friends and relatives that we feel comfortable with. Sometimes that can help too. You may want to consider one on one grief counseling. Whatever helps you is worth a try and continue to communicate on this forum. We can help each other. A close friend of mine told me to focus on all the wonderful times my mother and I spent together and that can sometimes help comfort you and I try to do that and it does sometimes help me. We also need to focus on ourselves and take care of ourselves because our mothers would want us to do that. We need to focus on our mother's love and the love we will always have in our hearts and thoughts. I hope and pray that my words have helped you in some way to lessen the pain you are feeling. JamesI

Thank you for your thoughts... I am hoping to get away for the weekend or an extended weekend which may help... I just keep getting emotional during the day at times.. It really hurts.. It seems that when I leave from work to drive home.. it hits me all at once.. I talk to different people on the phone which seems to help, but, they are not always available.

I was very dedicated to my mom. I was very close to my mom. I was caregiver to her for about 8 years. My father had died 10 years ago and I told my mother that I would always be there for her. She was doing well for the 1st two years after my father had passed. Mom had diabetes, but, it was under control. She later had a mild heart attack which was treated with medication and was later diagnosed with dementia. She was doing well and always looked good, was always happy and she did not look her age. It came to a point where I needed some help and we were able to have a few health care workers during the day. I would supervise and be on top of everything, her medication, her doctor appointments. For a few years I was not working, but, then I worked part-time which worked out ok and the health care workers filled in when I was at work. I took over in the afternoon and at night. I took my mom everywhere. She had her hair done on a regular basis at the beauty parlor and the health care worker would also do her hair. We went out to eat all the time. I took her on vacation with me. We were best friends. Everyone knows how close and dedicated we were to each other. Even the doctors were amazed and always told me so and I know that I did a good job. Its just that in the last 4 months, I needed to get a full time job and it turned out to be a stressful job with too many hours and I was planning to leave this job, but, I thought had time, but, I did not. Mom had fallen in her bedroom or the living room numerous times, but, she kind of had 9 lives. She was tough and always sprung back. Mom fell once again walking out of her bedroom on Dec 14, 2008 and this time she acquired a compression fracture and she said she hit her head. She was checked at the hospital the next day and they said her head was ok... She took some medication and was healing slowly. She was getting around with the walker prior to her fall and would sometimes walk without the walker, holding on to the wall, with someone also holding her arm. We never really left her alone, but, that evening, she decided to get up, and she fell. Anyway, a week after her fall, we were concerned that her blood pressure had dropped and she went to the hospital and they kept her there for a few hours because her sugar level was low too. She had a doctor visit a few days later and he found her heart ok and checked her lumbar region where the fracture was. He prescribed Physical Therapy at home and she received that therapy for about a month. We were very careful with Mom and would use the wheelchair to transport her to her bed and the bathroom and to the living room. She was able to stand and move her legs, so we were able to get her into the bathroom to get her washed and dressed. We slowly re-introduced the walker back into her routine, so she could walk again and we hold her from behind to make sure she did not fall. She was not fully recovered. She did continue to improve and she was able to walk with assistance outside, holding the railing, and walk down the stoop. We would then let her use the wheelchair for awhile and started with the walker outside also. I did not want to take her out unless it was really necessary, because I wanted her to heal fully. I believed it was important for her to see an orthopedic doctor to check her progress and do an mri on her spine. I scheduled an appointment with her diabetes doctor and the orthopedic doctor on the same day because they were near each other. This was on a Friday. The orthopedic doctor said she had two fractures and one was healed, but, the other one was still healing. He prescribed more Physical therapy. That Monday, March 16,2009, I brought her to the dentist, because she broke one of her front teeth. Now I feel guilty, because I feel that maybe I was overdoing it with her. She was due to see the Cardiologist on April 2nd and I should have brought her to him sooner. I keep thinking, maybe he would have caught something. With all my dedication and attentiveness, I missed some things and I blame myself for taking this lousy job. Besides the stress of the job and the hours, it affected my judgement and I blame myself for not being more attentive to my mothers condition. Mom woke up on March 18, 2009 and she had her eyes open with no response. With the dementia, she used to be out of it, but, would then be herself. This was different. One of her arms was limp. I placed her in the wheel chair and she remained in sort of semi concious state. I tried to talk to her, but, she would not respond. Her eyes were open, but, no response. She had some sort of seizure or attack and I called emergency and she was taken to the hospital. She was at the hospital for 2 days. She had cardiac arrest on March 19, 2009 and passed away on March 20, 2009. My father passed away 10 years ago on March 20, 1999 and mom passed away 10 years later on March 20, 2009. Some people are saying that my father was calling her, but, I don't know what to make of it. Could it be a coincidence? I returned to that lousy job today, March 30, 2009, after 10 days of my mom's passing and it was a very emotional time for me. I need the money, but, I do not want to get sick either. I hope I can stick it out until I find another job. It is very difficult. I think of my mother all the time. It seems to be easier at night. I sleep ok and I do eat, but, during the day, it is very difficult. My older brother and I have inherited the house and we want to hold on to it for awhile, but, we have fincancial issues to work out. My brother and I are from two different worlds, but, we are trying to get along at this difficult time. I need to find another job and I feel like I need to get away for awhile. I have so many mixed thoughts and feelings. All I know is that I loved my mother very much and I miss her very much. I used to say to her, Mom, I love you so much and she would say, I know, I love you too, sweetheart. Let me tell you.. It does not matter how old you are. You never want to let go of a loved one,especially your mother. My Mom was 87 and I know we were blessed to have her so long, but, she looked so good and healthy and she made so many people happy. We thought she would be around for a few more years. I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give me... Thank you all for being there!