Mrs. B

Good Evening, I just want to tell you about my day today. A week or so ago I emailed the person that did my headstone for my spouse and myself. I asked if I could get the picture back because I wanted to make a pendant with that photo.. He said he would see if he could find it. Well today i got a email that he had the picture and a complimentary pendant. I called my girlfriend to go with me for the ride. When we got there the fellow had my picture and a silver pendant for me with our picture inside. He said it wasnt the highest end quality but I gave him a hug and said is was perfect. Getting in the car my friend had a hug ready for me and said those are happy tears not sad ones right and i said of course because i was just so taken aback that he would do that for me. I wrote him thank you note and in it expressed how there are still kind people in this world and in my book he was one of them. It made my day the best. Mrs. B

Thoughts, prayers and hugs for you and your family in this difficult time. Mrs.B

Hi Redwind, I to know how you feel. Cooking for one just isn t the same as cooking for your family or your spouse. I would love to cook when Rick was alive. He loved to eat anything. Mine was the winter season his the bbq season. We would sit outside and have a few drinks enjoying the weather and the sound of our pond. At first I didnt feel like cooking at all problem is my job is a daycare cook which i love doing. So sometimes i bring leftovers home for the meal the next night. I also have my parents over usually once a week and they have me back. I love to cook for people. My best girlfriend of 20 years every wednesday night for over a year now we take turns cooking. I dont think we have ever repeated anything. I look forward to my wednesday nights. Love to go to my kids houses and cook for them. They like it when mom comes. That makes me still feel good to. I have had the few frozen dinners and in a pinch they are ok. I try to have someone on a Friday night or Sunday morning brunch to cook for. Take care. Mrs.B

Happy Birthday Joe... take care Mrs B

Thank you for the Birthday Wishes and i did have a good day with special friends and family..

Hi, Just the other day I posted that my cats were my company since rick died and they were his sucks. Well I got up this morning and could not find Boo . I looked all over. she was a cat the hid lots anyway and i didn t think much of it. But when she did nt come for food this morning i started looking in all her spots. She was in none of them. I started to panic that maybe she got out but I found her behind my couch . She was dead and i dont know why . she was only 7 years old. I buried here in my bad yard and that was so hard, I keep saying stupid cat she was just a cat but damn it hurts. It was like losing rick all over again cause she was his suck cat. Ill miss her so much. she would be ready for bed at 10 and i had to lift the sheet up so she would come under pussy foot around and them sleep. I hate death .

Hi Laurieb My son came to live with when rick passed away. So at first i was not alone. It was great having him here. He made a decision last October to go to college for a trade. He asked if i was mad at him. How could I be. He was there when i needed him. Seven months with him here was better then being by myself. It was hard a first but im getting use to it. I try to keep myself busy. Sometimes to busy. Right now im in a bummer mood because both my son and daughter were here for a couple of days and it was great having them home but they had to get back to school and jobs. But again it was good having them here for those couple days. I have three cats. Two of which were ricks sucks and the third my son left with me cause with school and work it wouldn't be fare for her. So they keep my company and amused. Dont hate your life. It does get better. I know that it sound cliche because that is what everyone would say to me and I had my doubts about it and humored them but it does even though now it dosent seem like it. There will be better days ahead. Take care. Mrs. B

Redwind30, First let metell you how very sorry I am that you lost your partner. My common lawspouse died suddenly (51) when i was away seeing my first grandchild. I'm so glad you found this site, it has been agodsend for me and others here, we're like a family, helping each other out with encouragement, advice, listening, just knowing there's someone else out there who understands. Some people just don't understand and don't know what to say. That is why the awkward remarks. I think it is healthier for us to just let it go and get out of there while we can, or openly admit our discomfort or cryin front of them! Then maybe they'll get that this is REALLY painful. It'sa little over a year for me and it still hurts big time and I still have people asking stupid questions like so do you have a new man in your life, Don't feel you have to rush to do anything. Take all the time you need before you do anything. You will know yourself when it will feel right. Please keep posting, there are a lot of people here going through it and it helps to go through it together. We're all here for you and you can express yourself to us. (((hugs))) Mrs.B

Having our mornings coffees together before work, our Friday night BBQ and drinks and long talks. Sunday car rides and camping trips. Mrs.B

Hello all, I am still in a Grief Group. One of our assignments was to write about our spouses hands. Some of it found it a real good thing to do. It was hard. Here is mine... Rick'sHands My hand fit into his looking so small. One would think his hands would be rough with all the different kinds of work he did. His palms had hard calluses on them from the hoses he pulled off and on his truck after fertilizing the many yards for years. His hands amazingly were so soft. Rick was compulsive about hand lotion. He had some in his office,truck, car, and bedroom and on top of the fridge. It would be no less than 10 times a day he would put lotion on his hands and face. His hands had a few nicks and cuts from all the fabrication and welding or grinding he did on his projects for his business. His hands had the smell of gas, oil, grease, chemicals and nicotine. You would see always see Rick with a cigarette in one hand and a coffee in the other unless of course it was later in the day and then it would be a cigarette, beer or Cesar, When we were younger we would go to the Cadillac Hotel. Rick liked to play pool. I would watch him looking for a shot to take. I watched his hands. The one not holding the pool stick would be quickly fluttering his thumb over his fingers. That's how he concentrated. The best was just holding hands. They were strong and warm. Just a simple gesture but it always made me feel special. The last time I held his hands they were cold but still soft. I miss Rick's hands. Mrs. B

Good Evening all. I just had to tell someone about my dream last night and the one the week before. The week before I dreamed of tornadoes and we were at a house but not our house and we were trying to get to the cellar which we do not have either. Any way the lights went out. Now when i say we I mean rick and myself even though he was not in the house with me. I just new he was there. I looked out and say the back half of rick in a shed. He was trying to fix the lights which he probably could of done because he could fix anything. Now not seeing his face I knew it was him. Weird isn't it . anyway i woke up. I wondered why i could not see him all because i have been asking since he has gone to give me a visit. Well last night again it was a strange dream. I was back at high school and was waiting for rick. He always did keep me waiting. Though we knew each other in high school that is not when we got together. It was years later and marriages to. even though i did have a crush on him and he was the farmer boy next door. I was looking down and looked up and he was there long enough for me to say hi dear.. All of him. He had that smirk he always did when he tried to tease or fool me or scare me and then I woke up. I cried the rest of the night and i really dont know why. I should have been happy cause that is what I wanted was a look at him in my dreams. Maybe i was selfish and it wasn't enough or long enough for me. I just wanted to tell someone. Thanks for letting me go on. Mrs. B.

Hi Mary, You will do just fine. Michael will be with you. I to was always the passenger and when Rick passed had to drive or not go anywhere. I was happy at the time he did all the driving but after he passed I was mad because I was scared and my stomach would go in to a knot and my fingers grip the wheel so hard they hurt after. But I have a new grandbaby only one hour away and if I want to see him often guess what. I drive. Many times at first I would get mad and tell him that he was supposed to be doing this not me but then it got easier and easier. Winter is still a little harder when there is snow but im sure that will be better next year. Prayers are with you all the way and when you get there give yourself a pat on the back and enjoy the wedding. Mrs. B

Happy Birthday Scott This is for you. Birthdays In Heaven Are there birthdays in Heaven? Does the angel blow his horn? Announcing to everybody That this is the day you were born? Can the stars be your balloons And angel food your cake? Presents wrapped in moonbeams All the angels helped to make. Birthdays meant so much to you They were always a big deal Birthday presents, lots of friends And perhaps a special meal. So I'll whisper a little prayer today Asking everyone up above To sing you a Happy Birthday song And give you all my love. ~ Author unknown I just love this poem. It made me feel good about Ricks Birthday..Our anniversary is the 26 of July. It was real hard last year but I will make it through this one feeling a bit better. Hugs to you Korina..... Mrs.B 0

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." Happy Birthday Rick Hoping the angels are blowing their horns and you are having angel food cake...Love you forever and always Brenda This is what I posted on my Facebook page today. Today after one year I went and got Ricks mom to go with me to the cemetery. We took balloons and I took him a cesaer his favorite drink chap-stick and BBQ Fritos. His mom had a chuckle at that. It was nice that she came with me. It meant a lot to me. We are getting back to the way we used to be. I missed her phone calls and visits. Havent got a visit yet but its progress. I made rick a card and put this verse on it. With Ricks picture. I came home sad and teary but happy at the same time if that is possible. Just reconciling with his mom makes me feel better cause it has be hard with all the tension but that seems to have disappeared. I know it was hard for her this last year to but now we are back the way it was before or at least i hope so.. Birthdays In Heaven Are there birthdays in Heaven? Does the angel blow his horn? Announcing to everybody That this is the day you were born? Can the stars be your balloons And angel food your cake? Presents wrapped in moonbeams All the angels helped to make. Birthdays meant so much to you They were always a big deal Birthday presents, lots of friends And perhaps a special meal. So I'll whisper a little prayer today Asking everyone up above To sing you a Happy Birthday song And give you all my love. ~ Author unknown~ Love you forever and always.. Brenda xoxoxoxoxo

wow... you said it all.. Thank you . Mrs.B

It truly is a wonderful poem and I hope to that it is what my Rick would be saying. Thanks for sharing. Mrs.B

Hi Vicki, You are so lucky. I have been waiting and praying from a sign from Rick. I ask him every night for one but havent received. Maybe I am looking to hard. Reading yours makes me want to keep up hope. You totally have been blesses with a wonderful gift. Embrace and cherish it. Have a wonderful week. Mrs. B.

Good Morning and Happy Easter. It has been a year, hard to believe that Rick has left me. It has been tough specially since i felt like I lost his family also. They never called me or came for a visit yet i went there after for Birthdays and Christmas. I did nothing wrong and today without invite bearing food and flowers going out for our annual Easter Dinner. I figure that I will be welcomed or asked to leave then after that I will know where I stand and not have to worry about it any more. My kids say let it go but I cant. 15 years of family ups and downs just dosent go away . So after brunch with my family I am hoping for the best. I miss them all. Rick would be very upset if he knew how things turned out. I also am going out the cemetery to so Today is a Day for New Beginnings for me.

Hi Linda, I have seasonal stress big time. When the winter snow comes and when spring comes. Reason is my spouse did snow removal and spring renovations on the yards so as soon as i see the nice weather i get sad. I know this is when he was at his best. Its just been a year that he has gone. I try to focus on happy things. Like visiting my kids and grandson and waiting on the arrival any time now of my new grandson. It takes my mind of it for a little while anyway. I think I will always have this sadness. I try to do yard work when it is time knowing it wouldnt be the way he did it but i hope he would be proud of the way that im trying. Take care. Mrs.B

John, Friends are great to have but until they themselves have experienced a loss they are just trying to be sympathetic. They mean well. I at first could not even go to the grocery store because I didnt want to have to talk to anyone, having them ask how i was doing. I said ok when really i wasnt. I thought i would be ok but i ended going to see a councilor and it was the best thing i could have done. She put things in perspective all the emotions and feelings. I then went to group that just ended and it to was good for me. We all had something in common. The loss of a loved one. The lonliness that I have i try to fill by keeping busy. I went to the classes , started taking guitar lessons, inviting friends over for a meal. Its not the same but I know I have to move on but not forget.It is coming up to a year that i have lost my spouse and it still hurts. But that is what grief is and that is ok. I miss him so much. Just take one day at a time. Sending hugs your way. Mrs. B

You I thought of you today… But that is nothing new, I thought of you yesterday And days before that too. I think of you in silence, And often speak your name… Now all I have is memories And your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, From which I will never part … God has you in his keeping I have you in my heart. Hello everyone, I just wanted to tell you of a break through for me. Usually I have to have the tv on when i leave my house so i dont come back to a quiet house. I also had it on when i went to bed. It has been 11 months doing this and just this last week i turned it off went i left and also when i went to bed. I know this sounds goofy but it was something hard for me to do cause every night. I would go to bed first and Rick would stay up and watch tv so I would go sleep with the sound of the tv. It is a milestone for me. I also drove in some bad weather snow that i never did before cause rick always drove everywhere. I did it. So What i am saying is it does get a little better as time goes on. Have a good day. Mrs. B

Hi Kat,I totally know how you feel. My handy man would go out and warm the car off for me and scrape the window and it the snow was bad he would even drive me to work. The anxiety I get when i see the snow is overwhelming but I have to deal with it. He shovelled the sideway and driveway. I shattered my ankle a couple years ago and it still gives me problems. He would make sure sidewalk was always salted. Besides he did most of the snow removal in our town casue he had a payloader. I had a call just the other day and it was quite innocent the person at the business did not know Rick had passed away. So even the first snow fall made me sad becasue it was his business and he for the most part loved doing it. Just do the best you can and give yourself a pat on the back. I do get a sense of accomplishment that I did it but in the same breathe wish I didnt have to and he was still here. I miss him so . Take care have a good night. Mrs. B.

Hi Kat, I know how you feel.The firsts are hard but you will get though them. It is the same for me. All my family was home for Christmas and it was awesome.Even my son who moved back with me in March has moved into his own place a few hours away for school.He was here when i needed him most. But now I sit here with the tree and decorations put away and the house feels so empty. I sat up one night with my grandson who is not a year until Feb. The tree was lite and I had tears welling in my eyes. I was trying to take in the moment. He was so peaceful and pointing to the lights on the tree. That moment was so surreal I wished that Rick would have been here to enjoy the moment with me. He never got to meet or hold him. New years i spent with my best friend and we had a real nice time remenicing about the old times that we had before i met rick but coming to an empty home tore my heart out. I hope that 2010 will be more kind to me. I miss him so much. I hope for Peace and Happiness for you in the New Year. Mrs. B

Good Evening, I have to say the I am warm and toasty at night as Rick had a comforter that he had mad especially for him. It was starting to wear out around the edges so I kind of revamped it for him.After all it was 17 years old. It kept us warm.Funny thing is we both would sleep with one foot on top of it. We would take it camping in the fall to. It is warm and comforting at night. Only thing missing is him. My two cats also sleep with me and the bed has warm spots where they lay. I will treasure this blanket. Night Mrs. B.