Mrs. B

Good Evening, This may seem like a very trivial question but Is it bad that I dont want to send out any Christmas Cards this year. I just cant bear to sign just from me. I enjoy receiving them, its hard to see them just addressed to me. I still put Ricks name on gifts to his parents or mine. Today my dad and son helped put up the Christmas tree. A real one. Havent started to decorate yet . Probably start tomorrow. Rick always put on the lights. He had a special way of doing it he said. Even baking i have a hard time to do. My family is all coming home so i have to have some made for them. Even wrapping presents seems a chore for me to start. Im all anxious inside. Maybe its just thinking about things making me have that feeling. Have a good night all. Mrs. B

Good Evening Everyone, Sunday is over and I am sitting in my chair by my fake little fireplace. I have had new windows put in the house and have done my kitchen floor with my dads help and have had baseboard put up by my dad. Its not perfect but it is done after 13 years. It looks so nice. I does make me happy but at the same time i feel so guilty. I would have never had new window yet but it is being paid out of the insurance money from Ricks death. There wasnt a lot left after all the bills we had and back taxes were paid up. How can i be happy and feel guilty at the same time. He always wanted a real fireplace but this little heater thing is ok with me, even though he never liked them. I havent stopped doing things around the house since March. Its go go go and i think , no I know im wearing myself down. Im afraid to stop cause then Ill have to think and I dont like thinking about him not here cause we were supposed to be doing this and enjoying it together. My son is moving on and i will be here myself. Is it possible for me to miss rick and still be mad at him for leaving me. I know i am going to crash here soon. My work also keeps me busy and I do love going to cook for the little daycare kids. Its the nights. So hard. Thanks for letting me vent. Hope all have a good week ahead. Mrs.B

Hi, Linda, Don't take this badly from me but I had to laugh a bit when you," Said once we are with God we will learn all of the answers.", My Rick always would say to me that he knew everything, now God will have his run for the money with Rick around. Rick was a Landscape Man and he had the greenest grass around town and I just bet that he is up there telling them the tricks of his trade. I was afraid to die when in January this year the doctors said i had a heart attack but fortunetly it wasnt. A viral infection around the heart. I called everyone to tell them that I loved them. Rick said to me at the time that I must of really been afraid. Truth was i was terrified. In March when he left me unexpectedly I was devastated, no chance to say goodbye or I love you but I now am no longer afraid because i hope he will be waiting for me with open arms. I miss him so. Thinking of you all. Mr.B

Hi, The holidays are going to be good for me in the repect that I am having all my children home and their spouses over night at that. First time since they all go married. It will be my grandsons first Christmas and it will be here. I am so excited and happy. Even my stepdaughter will be here.She told her real mom that I needed her this year and she needs us. Her mom tried to make her feel guilty but it didnt work on her. I will just about feel whole again. For a little while anyway. The sad thing is that Ricks parents havent even stopped in once since March. It hurts. I have made several trips out to see them and called. She hasnt even called to see how I am or how her granddaughter is. Im the one that has to call. I spent last christmas with them even though Rick was home sick in bed during the holidays. It was what we did, take turns between our parent homes every other year and now it is my parents turn. I will go out for a visit. It will probably feel awkward even though i love the whole family dearly. None of them have called to see how I am. Its another step that i will have go over. My stepdaughter is even peeved with her grandparents. It will be hard though . Do I put up her daddy sock. At least my family will talk about rick and things at the table and laugh and joke. His family dosent even mention him and that makes me so angry. Only time it happens is when i talk about him. Guess everyone deals differently. Now with that said I feel a little lighter. Have a goodnight all. Mrs. B.

Hi, The picture of Rick and I was taken in August 2008. It was a happy weekend and our last trip together. It was for my sons wedding. It indeed was a great weekend. The joke of the weekend was that I was supposed to be married be for my kids. Rick would say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. He had a dry sense of humor at times. The sad thing to me is before i left to go see my grandbaby and we were waiting for the shuttle bus he said when i got back maybe we would look into this marriage thing. He died at home two days before i was to come home. We were together for 15 years. One Christmas he gave me what I call a shut me up ring. Even though we werent married it hurts just the same. I miss him so much. Thoughts and prayers to everyone. Mrs. B

Hi, My heart goes out to you. I do know how you are feeling. Its been 9 months since Rick passed and Sundays as well as the nights are the hardest. We always had our sunday car rides. We would grab a Timmy coffees and away we went. Not far, down to the Lake and around to the bay and through the bush but it was always relaxing. I have a picture that i took a week before he died on our last ride and in is in the bush showing the road and trees coved in snow. I had it enlarged and it is on my wall. I miss those car rides. I have kept myself so busy that i may eventually crash from exhaustion. I know you are suppposed to keep care of yourself. All the things im doing were on his todo list. Today my dad helped me refinish my kitchen floor. No more slivers. It may not be the way Rick would of done it , and not perfect but it will be done. I hope you have friends to talk to. I have wonderful ones. One night a week we have girls night and cook at each others home. We were good friends before I met Rick and it is like we are back where we left off. We Laugh at the times we had together and it takes my mind away for a bit from thinking about not having him in my life any more. I can feel the crash coming though. I still cry and thats ok im told by my friend who has lost her husband a year ago because it is still not that long. I guess there is no time limit for how long you are allowed to feel sad. When I not busy that is when i think to much about him not being here. You are allowed to feel sad and cry. I have kept in it. I know thats not good. I go to grief counciling. It is a good think. I didnt go at first cause I didnt think i needed it but i did. Denial is one of the emotions. You take care and i will be thinking of you. Mrs.B

Very nice.....

Morning, Just wanted to ask if this has happened to any one else. It has been 8 months since Rick has left me. I have coped ok i guess. Did have the crying spurts here and there but the last few months I have been ok.I have been keeping busy and really haven't had any down time for me. Yesterday when i woke up i didn't even want to get out of bed. I did cause I had to go to work. But even at work staff would say to me are you ok. I could have cried at any thing at any moment. The tears were right there. I felt like this all day. My friend said it was a Blue Day for me and I was allowed to have that. I'm alright now. I just didnt like feeling that way. Have a good weekend everyone. Mrs. B

Just so Beautiful.. Mrs.B.

Korina, I do but i'm still waiting. Maybe i am trying to hard to see them. I am waiting for him to even be in my dreams and he hasn't. I though at one time a few days after he died that i was sitting in the chair and watching his favorite show mash when the tv went off and on it it kinda looked like a sign to me but them my sister said hydro went out all over the town which kinda blew that for me. He was supposes to come to me cause that is what we had talked about before but maybe he is just enjoying his rest still. Mrs.B

Linda, I think that people just don't know what to say. Its kinda of like opening their mouth and insert foot. My spouses family are not very supportive at all. They have not come to my home in 8 months yet I go see them. When I am there they don't even say his name or refer to him at all. This really hurts. But I have to think that maybe it is to hard for them to come here cause that is where their son died. Yet my family constantly talk about him and say his name and I love it. As for God having a plan, I don't believe this in Ricks case. Rick chose not to look after himself or to call the ambulance. He could still be here with me. I'm mad at him for that still. His daughter is mad at God for taking him from her so we both have different views. There are certain times and with certain people that i will start to cry. Its hard. My sister is really a big one for doing the foot thing. Last weekend my other sister had to put their loved dog down after 14 years. My sister and I were talking and she said to me it must really be hard to have something like that gone after having it so long. I just kind of looked at her and she said that was a stupid thing to say wasn't it. But see she just was making conversation and not even thinking about what she said. It did make me chuckle cause the look on her face was priceless. Yet my brother in law said we had cinder just about as long as you had rick around and it didn't fizz me. Cause they still acknowledge he was here. Have yourself a nice weekend. Mrs. B.

I to sat in the passenger seat and would get lost if i had to drive. Rick did all the driving. But thanks to my son i now have a reliable vehicle and a gps and its great. My daughter and i recently went on a road trip to where her dad grew up and it was so kewl. The two of us like Thelma and Louise. we took a few wrong turns but got there none the less. We explored all the things that he use to tell us about. The place where he fished the old mill he broke the window to,his school,church. she even carved his name in a log by the river. Ive driven more places now also. My stomach would knot up and still does. But I can do it . I'm at the house alone now but im not afraid. I knew rick would be watching over me. This is where we were happy and sad too. I have the bats in the house that he use to get. He would laugh at me coming down stair with a blanket over my head with the tennis racket. I never had to say a word he just knew what it was for. Now I have a tennis racket for the bats along with a baseball bat. Just in case any intruders. His shoes and boots are also by the door along with his hat and coats.I have pictures of him all over to. What I also was proud about was I changed my faucet all by myself. Sounds silly but it was huge to me and I'm also getting windows for the house which was a decision i had to make buy myself. My kids want me to move in with them but im not ready for that yet. Maybe in time. I have so many things that i want to do yet.I have made a list and cross each one as i do it. Ive even started guitar lessons. Something i always wanted to do. I to tell Rick I love him every night. I think he would be proud of all that i have accomplished so far.

I to wish for the dreams. I havent had one since he left me of him. I dreamed of him before he died. I dream other things but not of him. We even had this pact that if one of us left the other we would come back to them. I am waiting and wishing. I say to my self that he never listened to me before so why would he start now .lol But i still wait for that sign. Brenda

I made my children and my spouses mom and dad and brother and sisters a video tribute. I put it to music and pictures were from Christmases and camping and him working and our vacations up to his parents cottage . I put each category to a specific song that i picked out. It turned out real good. It was hard going through the pictures. I cried each time i played it to see if it was how i wanted it to be. My son was getting a little upset with me. mom your crying again . Why are you doing this. Because i wanted and needed to. The songs weren't sappy sad but good. He worked with large machinery and one of the songs i put in was mighty machines. He would watch the show Saturday mornings. I'm also writing in a journal things that i say to him and things that were did together that made me laugh or cry or be mad. I'm writing less and less now. Its only been 8 months. I think one day im not mad at him anymore and then the next day i am. Go figure. Brenda

Such true lyrics. What a nice song...... Thank you Mrs.B

Hi, I get a pang of jealousy when i see couples together. The other thing that really bothered me is when my sister and law and her husband split after 30 years and I was sure that when she lost her brother that it would have here change her mind. This is there time to be together and do things when your children are not home anymore. Rick and I were alike . We loved to eat. I loved to cook him bbq. We had the same ideas. It was like he could read my mind. He would say something that i would be thinking. He could push my buttons. He could make me cry at a drop of a hat. He said that he could get that bottom lip of mine quivering . We loved camping and we were both farm kids and new what hard work was. I have him on a pestle now. mine you we had some big disagreements and it seemed it was his way or no way. But id let him have his little temper tantrum and the next day he would do something that i had been asking him to do for ions. That was his was of making up i guess. He was 6 feet me 5' 6. He had large hands but soft and mine would fit inside his. We were both overweight but he could lose it and gain it during which time of year it was. Winter he gained like a bear but in summer when it was his physical work he lost. Me I stay the same. I miss him so much. His huges in the morning and at night before i went to bed because he was a late nighter watching tv. I still leave the tv on at night when i go to bed. Its soothing for me cause it was like when he was here and i could hear the tv on and occasionly hear him laughing at something on the tube. Today i am going to a memorial tree planting in honor of him and many others at our conservation area . They do this once a year to keep the forest growing. Ill be hard. But it is a nice day for it Never take someone for granted. Hold every person close to your heart. Because you may wake up one day And realize that you've lost a diamond While you were busy collecting stones. This is the poem that I had on his memorial card at the funeral home. We had a big fight one night and i had it posted on the fridge. He read it the next morning and just looked at me . I had it laminated and it is still on my fridge.

Dee, I went to work a week after the funeral. I had to because sitting home would just have made me insane I work at a daycare as a cook and the kids were my best medicine. I enjoy being with them. It was hard though. As long as I was busy i was ok but as soon as I sat down my thoughts went right to my spouse and then still the tears came. It is now 7 months later and i think i am fine and then something little triggers me. A song. A thought. A smell. I still haven't moved any of his coats boots and shoes. The winter things are in the same spot he left them at. My daughter and I went on a road trip last weekend to where he grew up for a bit. It was so relaxing. She carved his name on a on in memory at a fishing spot he was fond of. It was a bit of closure for us both. We are still seeing a grief counselor which we thought we did not need but it has been good for us both. I could probably retire but I not ready for that. My children have asked me tocome live with them and id love it but i still have things i want to do here plus my friends are awesome. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

Fredzgirl, You dont have to say your fine or doing ok. When they asked me if i was ok i said no im not. I wasnt lieing. Cause i wasnt. I to want to dream of my spouse and i havent. I know i dream but dont remeber them . I am totally exhausted in the morning and sleep as soon as i get home from work. My couslor told me to put a book beside my bed and if i remeber my dreams to write them down. She says that it may be something that my spouse is trying to help me with. I beleive her and in this but i must not be open enough in my sleep to dream about him yet. It will come becasue i use to dream about him when he was alive and sometime whack him and wake him up and hed says what i do this time lol.... I cried when i was doing yard work casue that is something we did together and i got mad when i couldnt move something casue that is what he was supposed to do. when I got mail that said he no longer had to make child support payments... Duh Roller coaster yes just when i think its starting to turn around something comes up that kicks me in the a**. We have a tree memorial planting coming up and I am going to it. I even gave the letter to his family to ask them if they wanted to come. Even though they are pissing me off. Like they have did a 180 turn on me. Made me feel not part of the family. I know we werent married but i looked after there son for 15 years and there grand daughter to. I have to go through his office and come across little notes i wrote to him on his cigeratte packages. I miss him so much. I keep waiting to feel a sign from him. But i havent. Maybe thats strange but i beleive he will casue we had made a pack of sorts. Take care . Brenda

LostLuv, My heart goes out to you. I do know how you feel. I miss my Rick so much. He was only 51. The Tv changer is only one thing that I wish i could change. He channeled surfed and it drove me nuts but I never said so. I dont cook meals anymore. Any I used have one ready ever night when he come in from work. He drove me everywhere not that i could drie he just did. It was hard to start doing that again. I was so nervous. He had his own business and there was no will and we werent married . I had to get his building cleaned out.apply for executor. which i finally got and now his family dosent want me to sell his things that i need to to get money to pay his bills. Its so fustrating. Where was his family. Not helping but sure were there when i had to plan the funeral. My own family is great with me. I lost my spouse in March and it seems like I lost his family to. We were together for 15 years. My kids have been so good to and dont live near me but a phone call away . My son moved back home with me till Feb when he will go to school. My step daughter even though her dad and me were never married lives with her boyfriend and dad. I raised her since she was 31/2. She moved out at 15 because here bio mom made her all these promises. I hated to say to her I told you so because they just had here there to babysit and clean house. We have our relationship back and it is even closer then before. She has two 1/2 sibling and she had never met them and has been communicating with them. It would have made her dad happy but her grandparents are fuming and and mad a her. So she is a mess along with stomach issues. I always told her i would be there for her and i am. We went and picked out a headstone and that was not to bad. I am letting her do some design work on it and it means a great deal to her. She asked if I though it was ok to put 2 roses, her middle name is rose , one for her dad and one for me and then on each side of it 3 rose buds for my three children and ricks 3 children even though he never go to have a relationship whith them and i told her that was a fantastic idea. Her uncle on her dads side even told her something i was never going to tell her. That her 1/2 brother might not even be her brother. I was so mad at him for even bringing it up. as if she already wasnt going through enough. She said to me that she was not mad at me and it wasnt my place to tell her. But i told her blood dosent always mean everything. People change so much. I think they are griefing but taking it out on me. I go see them but they have not been here once since March. I ask them to stop in but they never do yet i see them go by to the cemetary every other day. As to years to get over it your husband death. It may be years. everyone is different and go through different stages. Im happiest when i have my kids home. I feel like cooking again. Now I am the one rambling. Its like i have so much to say and its all jumbled. I have good friends and they helped me so much to. I just keep plugging away day by day. Nights are hard and I aslo know what you mean about the smell. Ricks winter coats hatss and boots are hung right where he left them and he smoked and when i walk by i get that wiff of him. I can not bear to move the anywhere yet. Take care. Brenda

Korina, I know what you mean about guilt. I use to think that if i had been home and not visiting my daughter and her new son that maybe i could have called the ambulance for my spouse. I do alot of the what ifs. But I know that It will not change the fact that Rick is not here and he chose not to call the doctor when he knew he was not well. And that is the way he was. Did not like doctors or the goverment. I feel guilty because he was always here for me.When i broke my shattered my ankle and was off it for months. He would take me around in the wheel chair and when i had the angio in Jan, he was there and was worried about me. Your baby is 6 months old. While I was just at my daughters again my grandson max had his 6 month shot. He made me so happy . He smiled a cooed and i dont think I could have had any better medicine to make me feel good. Your daughter must do the same for you.The feeling he gave me when I hugged him and when he smiled at me. I will not see him now till Christmas. I also get that feeling when I hug my stepdaughter who i raised since she was 31/2. Now 18., I think it is becasue she is part of her dad and is the connection for me to him. She has guilt so bad that she mad herself sick. She left us when she was 16 on bad terms and didnt really reconnect with her dad like she may have wanted to. She feels sad for not calling her dad and being here to but again hindsight. Everyone says it will get easier. It dosent feel like it is. I think of him the first thing in the morning when i get up and the last thing before i go to sleep. Its like im waiting for a sign from him or something. I know it sounds silly but we had talked about things like this just the first of the year . About if something had happen to one of us what would we do and he said hed come and see me. Im keeping him to his word . Maybe i should let go of the sillines talking but we didnt get tosay any goodbyes. My chest still hurts . I love him and miss him. I know so well how you feel. Goodnight and I hope tomorrow brings brighter times for you. Ps. I feel like smashing dishes sometimes and my daughter told me to go get some from the sally anne and do just that. LOL

I just got back from a wonderful time 10 days with my daughter her husband and six month old grandson. I treasured every minute. I went back to work today. Glad to see my co workers and the little kids that i cook for. The morning was good but i was dreading the afternnon of what i had to do. I am lucky that my father came with me. I had to go to the bank and do the paper work stuff. I had bearly sat down and the waterworks just burst. It was like the realization that if finally hit me. This is final. I just couldnt stop. Had to go pay the funeral, plot . I went out to the cemetary and cried and told him how hard it was to be without him. 51/2 months seems like an eternity. I came home and bawled some more. My son hugged me and said its ok mom . Cry and its good that that stuff is done. Some how my children know when to call me cause my daughter did. I miss her already. She said go ahead and cry. My head hurt, my chest hurt. Im sorry to babble on but I know how you feel Korina. I wish it was a dream that I could wake up from. Im going off to bed and maybe ill feel better in the morning. I keep saying to myself that maybe tomorrow will be better but I also have to realize that i do have a lot to be thankful for. My family, children and grandchild and grandchild on its way.I have awesome friends. I have a lot to look forward to. I was just wanted it to be with by companion, best friend of 15 years.

Well we got through the funeral. Was very hard even thought granny was 89 it still was hard on my kids. Saturday they came to visit and it was good to have them here. We went out to the cemetary and she was so sad cause she said mom im so sorry i couldnt be here for you . But i said you did what you could and got me home. With the baby being new and no passport or shots i knew if was impossible for her. She said the she had enough of cememtaries and funerals for the year and was ready to go home. They left on sunday and i will be flying out on wednesday morning. I am excited. I also go news that i am executor so i can get all that stuff started and will have a little relief on my vacation. I still have this knott in the pitt of my stomach and a weight on my chest. My step daughter who i raised since she was 31/2 is now sick and i have to try to make sure she is ok cause her real mom dosent care and i told her i would always be there for her. She has lost 20 lbs since her dad died and is a mere 105 lbs. Trying to get dr to have here see a specialist and it is hard. We were in emerge on friday for 5 hours and they said that she probably has irritable bowel syndrome. Her father died from an inflammed bowel so it scares us. I wish she would move back home to but she moved in with her boyfriend and father. enough rambling tonight i have to go pack and make a list so i dont forget anything. My siutcase has mostly stuff for the baby. I will be able to fit some clothes in though lol....

Thank you so much. I got to see my daughter and son in law and grand baby today. I hugged him and squeezed him and kissed him. My kids to got kisses and hug. He is so big since i seen him in March. lol. My kids dad and wife were kind enough to ask me to come to their home for supper. The next couple of days will be hard on all. My daughter hasn't even been to my spouses grave yet and she said she will find these few days so hard. A double whammy for her. My son and his wife gave us good news today. They are expecting. Hopefully the baby will be ok because in Jan. when i was in the hospital she had a miscarriage. So maybe this year is looking up.

I just posted yesterday first time about losing my spouse and going back to see my daugther and soninlaw and grand baby. I was scared to go at first thinking something would happen to someone i loved like it did the last time. (March )but got to thinking it would happen if i was there or here. Well now i find out my childrens granny passes away and they are are coming home for the funeral. I am to go next wed. I feel so sad for them both . They feel bad becasue the were making plans to come visit her. My daughter never got to come home for my spouses funeral cause the babe was just three weeks old and no passport or shots. This year really is turning crappy. I feel i just start feeling better then bang something else comes at me and my family. The funeral will be so hard for us all becasue everthing is still to fresh. I know granny was 89 but it still is hard to except.

Hi, My common law spouse died suddenly (51) when i was away seeing my first grandchild. When i did not hear back from him i knew something was wrong. Never did i expect not to ever see him again. He had just told me that when i got back we would look into this marriage thing. Coming home on the plane was the longest journey of my life so then i thought . Yesterday would have been our fifteenth anniversary. Considering that 7 years before that he gave me what i called a shut me up ring lol. March 7, He died by himself and i was not here for him. He had been here for me numerous time. January first the hospital though i had a heart attack and after all the test and being a week in the hospital. I was given the all clear. He said he didnt likd not having me home and said that we were going to grow old together. After all the stuff we indured during the years we were finally going to be able to do things together. I miss him so much and my chest feels like there is a weight on it. Nights are the hardest. My young son moved home with me and i appreciate it so much but he has a life and i dont expect him to be here forever. I am mad a my spouse because he could have been ok but he would not call the dr. ever . stuborn stuborn. His daugher that i raised since she was 3 1/2 is having a hard time coping and i got her to go with me to a grief couslor. There is a whole lot of other stuff that goes along with the not being married, not having a will crap ,that i have to deal with and it is so hard. It makes me so emotionally drained. Seems like I get one thing done and another comes along that i wish i didnt have to deal with. Sometimes i just feel like throwing something or sleeping for a few days. In the same breath i am lucky to have my family and friends around. I even have great co workers but my kids are the best. I was afraid to go back to see my grandson but next week i am going. He will be 6 months. If something is going to happen it would happen even if i was here or there. Thanks for letting me ramble. I tend to do that a lot now a days. Mrs.B.