KathyD

Kellymarie and Shell, The book I read did say that at three months typically the shock and denial have worn off and that's why the emotions suddenly come rushing in. I think I'd describe the feelings now as more raw than before because the shock/denial sort of served as a buffer. I honestly didn't think I was in either shock or denial after the first month but I guess part of brain was in a freeze mode! I also think that seeing all the Father's Day ads on TV as well as the thought that my Dad's birthday is a week later had an impact; I was trying to ignore them and maybe yesterday that dam burst. I don't know. It's just so hard when you're feeling as though you're doing all right then BOOM you fall into that dark pit. Like Shell said, trying to be happy and cheerful eventually can lead to burn-out. I gave up on the happy and cheerful part but I still feel as though I've got a ton of concrete on my shoulders. The hardest part is that the grief hits without warning and when it hits it has a major impact. Again, the roller coaster ride, but I hope after this three month point things get a little "easier." Thanks you both so much for your input! Kathy

Hi everyone, I had read in a few grief books that the third month after the loved one's death can be one of the most difficult. Since I've been hurting so much the past two months I never really thought it could get worse, but now that I've entered/am close to the third month mark I feel as though my emotions before are nothing compared to what they are like now. I was used to crying every day for a little while but then managing but the past three days have been nearly unbearable. I suddenly have every memory popping to mind constantly and have been sobbing uncontrollably. It's horrible and I don't know how much more of it I can take. I know everyone's time frame is different but did anyone else experience an onslaught of even heavier emotions after three months or so? Kathy

Haley, I'm so sorry for your loss, I too lost a parent for the first time in late March (in other words my first lost also) and had no idea what to do. The people on this board are wonderful since I think a lot of us have found that even those that are close to us don't really understand what we are going through. Everyone has a different way of coping and I don't know why your sisters have chosen to move at this time but believe me you aren't alone in this experience. There isn't any set way to get over grief - I keep hoping there is something I can do to make it end but have realized that it will take its own course - and all you can do is take it day by day. There are some great books out there (I bought one called "How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies") that can be helpful when you wonder whether your reactions are normal...for the most part whenever you feel as though you are going crazy you're really not. You're grieving and the emotions, physical experiences, etc. vary by person. I wish I could give you some advice but I'm still in the early grieving process too and am confused by a lot of things. I guess keep posting on this board, it's been very helpful to me as a lot of the people I thought I could rely on have if anything made life harder (not conciously). Take care, Kathy

Thanks so much for all the advice and understanding! Last night for whatever reason was just very tough and although I don't feel much better today I'm glad there are people who know what I'm going through. I wish none of us has to be here, obviously, but there are a lot of things no one else than the people here can comprehend. Paul - I have thought about grief counseling and have looked into hospices in the area, I guess I've just been procrastinating. There is a grief support group at a local hospital but they don't allow you to join until it's been four months since your loved one passed (I suppose they want people who have absorbed some of the loss and aren't in a total state of shock) so I'm thinking about that as well once I reach the four month mark. Shell - I'd love to sneak away, and have actually been planning a trip to London! But that's this September...perhaps I'll take a mini-holiday here and put the blame on you...

Hi all, As some of you know I lost my beloved father two months ago and although it has been rough it seems to be getting worse. He and I talked at least three times a week but could go for a month or more without meeting; now that it's been two months the realization that I will NEVER see him again is hitting home with a major impact. His birthday is this month (on top of Father's Day) so I did expect the emotions but I feel so alone. I have a lot of friends - one visited last night from Boston and left this morning - but none understand. I do have my mother and brother but the former calls every few days to talk about what is going on with her life and the other only contacts me sporadically. I admit that I'm angry with my mother (I know she's going through the same things that I am on a different level) but I am so tired of listening to her go on and on without asking how I am. I may have mentioned this before in a previous post but it has gotten to the point where I dread her calls. It's so awful to say, I know, but I'm tired of being a sounding board. I do understand that if she asks how I am the emotional channels open for her but on the flip side I've suffered from major depression for over ten years and if I have to continue to play "therapist" I'm going to lose it. I lost it entirely after learning about Dad's death (slitting wrists) and managed to pull it together but am now feeling that I have to be strong when I can't be. Every day I wake up wanting to go back to sleep. Sorry to ramble, it's been a tough weekend even though I did appreciate my friend visiting and taking me out. The problem is that nothing is the same and because I'm supposedly "strong" due to my struggles with depression there are too many expectations placed on my shoulders. I honestly don't know if I'll ever get over Dad's death - I don't expect to but I didn't think that everyone would believe that I'd be a rubberband and bounce back and be there for people who were never there for me (that's a psychology major for you). Thanks for listening, Kathy

Shubom, I understand the "mask" thing completely. I've been trying to be more social but find that I have to put on an act to get through anything. When I'm alone I also feel as though I'm doing better despite the fact that Dad passed only two months ago, but after I have to deal with people I feel stressed and at times break down. I'm wearing the mask, too, and think that it IS normal. Coping with death is an awful experience and we do what we have to psychologically to get by. I don't want to come across as a downer to my friends and family so I put on a face and sort of run on autopilot until I'm by myself and alone with my feelings. Trying to act normal when you're grieving is hard and I think putting on masks is one way to try to fit into a world which has been turned upside down. Nothing is the same so experiences that used to be natural aren't the same either. I hope this makes some sense... Kathy

I had a tough time yesterday too, Shubom. During the summer my Dad would fire up the Weber grill for burgers and when I saw people in my complex heading out for picnics I had a few good cries since I knew I'd never again ask Dad what flavor of wood chips he was planning to use. I tried to go to a small picnic but couldn't handle it - everyone laughing and enjoying themselves while I kept thinking that Dad should be here. And enything having to do with golf does me in because my Dad was also a big fan of golf. I can't even look at a golf green without tears rising in my eyes. Like Shell, I try to picture happy memories but it's only been two months and it will take a lot of time before I'll be able to connect golf, BBQs, etc., with a smile. But we'll get there eventually.

I agree 100% with what Paul wrote. Since my Dad died two months ago a lot of people have kept telling me that I have to be there for my Mom but none told me that I have to also be there for me. Of course I'm trying to do what I can for my Mom but I understand that if I don't feel well I can't shove my pain away, even it means not being there at all times. In my Dad's last letter to me he wrote that I have to be strong for Mom. What about me? It does sound selfish but until you know you have a grip on things mentally you're not helping anyone by ignoring your feelings. I found myself resenting everyone who seemed to forget that I'm hurting too. People apparently believe that there are all sorts of things you should do but on the flip side don't understand that it takes time and a person has to cope individually before they can fully be "there" for others. Here I am rambling again but Paul is right to say that being selfish and selfless are two very different things.

Hi everyone, Having a very bad day here that has been the worst since Dad died less than two months ago. I think that I was sort of robotic after his death and since I was used to not seeing him for a month or so (he and Mom took a lot of trips) now that I'm nearing the two month mark everything is crashing down on me. All I've been doing is crying and I'm afraid that I'm sinking into a depression...I have a long history of the disease so it's not unlikely. I have been able for the past 6 weeks to look at things in my condo that remind me of Dad without losing it but today that dam burst. I bought a pair of shorts in Wisconsin this past January and when I looked down at the logo I lost it completely because Dad was there when I purchased them. I know this probably sounds silly or trivial because I'm not dealing with what most of you are - I'm not working due to the depression and although I've managed to keep myself together when talking to close friends I can't anymore. I've just suddenly become both upset and angry and don't know if it's a delayed reaction. My uncle (my Dad's sister's husband) sent a message asking how my romantic life, work life, etc., have been going and I wanted to scream that I can't do any of that right now and am so mad that he could think that I could resume a normal life this soon. I don't know if any of you have had this sort of "delayed" response - I was a wreck after Dad died but put myself on autopilot whenever I wasn't crying. Now it seems that the autopilot has gone on the fritz. I have considered counseling but to me it's too soon, the grief is still not completely recognized for me to benefit from any advice (I've read through a lot of books dealing with grief and have studied psychology for a long time so most therapists haven't been helpful in the past). I guess I just want to know if this sudden downward spiral is common or if anyone has had similar experiences? I was completely overcome by an overwhelming sadness today that was unexpected, especially since I've lived with depression for 15 years. Sorry to vent! I've been trying my best to exercise, talk to friends, etc., but it gets harder by the day. The week I learned that Dad died I slashed my wrists up because I was in so much agony and although I have no desire to do that again similar feelings have emerged. Thanks for listening/reading, Kathy

Hi Tara, Since my Dad died I've also had a very different view on life and have cut off a lot of social contacts because although I once thought having friends (no matter what their personality) was important I don't think the same way now. I never saw how selfish people can be until I was forced to go through this and those that I once might have been sympathetic towards don't mean a thing to me these days (i.e. people who only take and cannot give). Everything is different - from looking at a rainbow to appreciating kindness that I never noticed before. Coping is a day by day process and my biggest problem is that I become emotional out of the blue. The tiniest things remind me of Dad, that sets me off, then a few minutes later I'm able to calm myself until another episode hits. I have looked into religion but still am unsure about it - since I was never raised in religious household it's tough for me to believe. My way of dealing with Dad's death has been to exercise more, read, talk to people I feel I can talk to and attempt to get through the rough spots. It's not easy! A good friend called an hour ago while I was in the midst of a sob-fest that I couldn't explain. I've basically been relying on myself and feelings to get me through this since for most of my life I've been regarded as the "strong" one (8 years of major depression gave me that title). However, being the strong one also allows people to think that I'm OK and can call with their small problems. I don't mind helping but find it hard to believe that people think that after only two months I should be able to be in a romance, find a good job, etc. THEY didn't have the relationship with Dad that I did and although it's angering if they never had a bond they can't understand. Most days I'm both sad and depressed but it is sporadic (my mind has its barriers). I've realized that I will never let go of Dad and although I can't look at any of his pictures and know that June will be hard (his birthday and Father's Day are close together) whenever I do something I try to think that he would have wanted me to act as I did. What's hard for me is the notion that this will only get more difficult; I've gone a month without talking to Dad but once I pass the two or three month line the loss is going to hit home in a big way. I think it's ironic that people seem to think that the first month or so is the worst - it was horrible but once complete realization sets in it is much harder. Enough rambling! I hope what I wrote made some sense. We are all dealing with the pain differently but also all know what we are going through. Kathy

Jlyn76, I recently lost my father so I can relate to what your friend is doing and can assure you that his distancing himself from you is most likely not personal. I've sort of isolated myself socially since Dad died and it's only because right now I need to grieve alone. People have been well-meaning but grief is something you work through any way you can and I can see why you wouldn't understand why your friend doesn't want comfort, etc. At this point I don't either, haven't answered a lot of calls, etc., but it definitely isn't personal. I think your friend needs to work through his feelings and that when he's ready to enter the social world again he'll contact you. It just takes time. Maybe call him and let him know you're there for him whenever he wants and that you care, but I also wouldn't put pressure on him right now. I'm sure his feelings for you haven't changed, but he is going through a really tough process that is hard to understand unless you've been there. I hope this helps a little. Kathy

Vero, I can completely relate to your feelings about not wanting to see, talk, etc. after an emotional wave hits you. I find that one minute I'm "fine" then for no reason I break down into sobs. I used to like to chat with people and listen to what was going on in their lives but since my Dad died in March I can't seem to deal with any other than a select few. It angers me when friends go on about petty things when I'm trying to cope with the loss of my best friend. They call to tell me they have a sore shoulder, that they need my help with a computer problem and I want to yell at them and tell them a sore shoulder is NOTHING compared to what we are all coping with. I've had other anger issues too. Three months ago my Dad was playing golf in Florida, planning on a trip to see my brother after a stem cell transplant and his doctors said he was in great health (he looked it). Then BOOM he's in the ICU and two days later he's gone. I'm angry at the doctors, angry that someone so alive and vital had to go while my 94 year old senile grandmother is still around. That sounds awful since I do love her, but Dad loved life and Grandma can't remember where she is anymore. I wish every day that it been me instead of him. I try to remind myself that there is nothing I can do now except embrace the memories but when the memories are so recent it's difficult. This tirade of mine probably doesn't help but I guess I wanted you to know that I could relate to everything you wrote. You're not alone here, even if you feel like it on the inside (I do). Kathy

I think sometimes we set certain "points" as a period that should indicate we've gone another step down the grieving path. The house is sold, the estate's settled, etc., but once those things happen we still have our feelings. Just because everything is done doesn't mean we've moved on, and without all the stuff to do maybe the emotions are stronger because you have more time to focus on them. I try to get out and about to keep my mind off memories but once I'm settled and the old brain can fire up they flood back in. Having unsupportive people around never helps, of course, and even those that are supportive at times can apply pressure without knowing it. Whatever the case, I don't think moving on or getting past things can be correlated with an event or the end of a personal struggle. Moving on happens in our minds. By the way Paul...I did have a chuckle reading about Billy Bubba and his Weiner Wagon! Kathy

Shubom, Although what your cousin said to you is in my mind completely insensitive you put it perfectly: she's shallow. She has no clue what you're going through and if her idea of who a person should be is based on appearance I'd toss her opinion out the door. You are who you are on the inside and I would guess that the majority of people that know you see that. You didn't mention your aunt making hurtful comments so if it's just your cousin I guess I'd think to myself "she has no understanding of my situation and I'm glad I'm not like her, someone who is self-absorbed and who can only think of appearances." You're better than that and I'd try not to let her comments get you down. Consider the source. Kathy

Paul, Oh boy do I understand the feeling of "it's over!" Although my Mom is still in my childhood house she purchased a condo and will be moving in by next winter. I know that was what she had to do, but when I toured a sample unit it struck me on the way home that everything we used to do at my childhood house (X-Mas, Thanksgiving, BBQs, family X-Mas Eve traditions, etc.) will NEVER happen again. I start to cry just thinking about my Dad's bureau and personal stuff that are still there but won't be anymore in the near future (getting a bit teary now). It's like this whole new chapter has opened in my life and it's one that I don't want to read. Kathy

Paul, I don't have an answer for how long the emotional rollercoaster will last but think that we'll all have times where we feel as though we've toppled off the hill we climbed. This time of year is going to be especially hard (I'm dreading Father's Day), and I know that the anniversary date is always painful. I have a friend who's significant other died 6 years ago and whenever the anniversary nears he gets down. Since it sounds like you're dealing with things on TOP of your feelings of grief I'd guess that it's a compound effect. Too much emotional stress probably means that we experience the emotions harder than we normal would have. Maybe try to do something special for yourself to briefly forget what's going on? When I feel overwhelmed I haul out a season of (don't laugh) Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Pure escapism but it helps me to get out of the "bad zone" for a little while. Hang in there, Kathy

Lori, I don't think any of us can set a time frame about when we should be "OK" with a loss of a loved one. I was a complete wreck at my Dad's small funeral (only four people, he wanted a memorial instead) and barely managed to drive home afterwards. You have the right attitude as far as what your Mom would have wanted, though, and that's wonderful. She would be proud of you. Kathy

Shelley, I'm so sorry about your loss and completely understand how you feel since my Dad passed recently too. I find myself feeling sort of robotic - it's like a little barracade has been put up in my brain that lets me get out and about but when it cracks I break down. One day I think I can handle everything then the next I don't know what I'm going to do. I write in a journal and found that it's been helpful. I also try to tell myself whenever I get really down that Dad would NOT want me to be this way. He'd want me to be who I was while he was here. Sometimes helps, sometimes no amount of self rationalization can do the trick. I'm on antidepressants (have been for most of my life) and think that they may have kept me from a complete collapse at times. I don't know what your stance on medication is, but many people take antidepressants for situational depression and not long term. I guess that some of the wording in your post reminds me of what I would think when in a severe depression...I know a lot of people are anti-drug but they have literally saved my life. Only you know what is right for you...keep posting here, the people know what we are going through and are wonderful. Kathy

Jodie, I'm truly sorry to hear about your loss. I don't think that we ever really say goodbye to the people that we have loved, and if goodbye means accepting that they have passed we all have to do it in our own time. The funeral by no means equals the finality of your relationship with your mom, Shell is right to say it's basically a ceremony. My Dad died about a month ago and I don't think I'll ever be able to say goodbye to him, nor do I want to. Please post here whenever you'd like as the wonderful people on these boards are so helpful. Kathy

Hi Ell, I'm new here also and am so sorry for your loss. We all expect our friends to be there and although some are there are many who are either so self-absorbed that they can only focus on themselves or those who really don't know what to do. I completely understand the anger that lies behind pettiness and I think I've changed because of it. I try to rationalize the fact that they don't KNOW but I can't believe that so-called friends say that I'll be able to socialize again after a month or two (it's like they are setting a time limit) or those who express initial sympathy then go on about their problems. I used to be very tolerant but I find myself looking at people who complain about not having a stamp (and who also could go to the post office), those who ask for favors a month after my Dad's death, etc., in a new light. It's as though they expect me to move on and deal even though I've spent half my life suffering from clinical depression. Any loss is a loss and I don't think most understand that. They after all haven't had to go through it. But in a positive manner we all have had a chance to discover ourselves to certain extent, no matter how horrible the event that sparked it is. We don't lose who we are to our loved one - I for a while kept thinking that I no longer had a father and was no longer a beloved daughter - but he is part of me and I am a daughter despite his passing. I don't belive that any of our loved ones would ever want us to redefine relationships because of death. We can weed people out of our lives who are leeches who don't understand but we can also form new relationships and cherish the people who care more about us than they ever did before. I've found that I don't give a hoot about people who I used to do whatever it took to help them. The best example is the one man I truly loved outside of my Dad, who told me when I asked him to visit that he only cared about his children and that I was worth nothing in his mind. Rambling again but I hope I made some sense and hope everyone realizes that the feeling of abandonment is not alone. Kathy

Tara, I personally think that you are handling your losses very well, even though I know it is enormously painful internally. I for one couldn't do what you are doing and we both are at the same stage of loss. I've been a "hidden" emotional wreck and while I've done what I have to do to in order to get by you have done so much more and I respect you for it. Being survivors of serious depression, I think we are stronger than we think (I hope). You deserve every award that comes your way! Emotions unfortunately complicate things, but if we didn't have them could we be human? It is devastating and I've attempted to keep things light but it's impossible right now and we all have to accept that we will go through moments of intense sadness. I foolishly watched part of the A&E drama "Flight 93" and all I could think was that if Dad were there he would have been a leader and done what he could to stop what happened. Until I watched that I had made it through the day without crying. Maybe it's because he was in NY when the towers fell but he was so strong...I am trying to emulate him but it's so hard. Anyways, you are not alone (I'm being repetitive) even if everyone's situation is different. I miss my Dad more than I can express and got emotional about his snowplow being sold. God, I would give anything to have him here but I can't and it is so hard to accept it. Sorry to be a downer but I feel that this place is a place where I can say whatever I feel (I may be wrong). Kathy

Hi everyone, I was wondering how you all managed to sleep at night after your loved one or ones died. My Dad passed a month ago and I can't fall asleep unless I resort to bad behaviors such as drinking too much. If I lie in bed with my mind running in circles and dredging up memories (which is basically what happens) I wind up sobbing all night. Even exhaustion doesn't help - I'll konk out for a while then wake up in tears again. I've been able to keep it together for the most part during the day (although there are daily tearfests) but I've always had trouble sleeping and this had made it much worse. My doctor prescribed the sleeping medication Ambien but that doesn't do me any good either. One night I tried taking two Ambien and two over the counter sleep medications to no avail. Alcohol numbs my mind enough to let me fall asleep and stay asleep through the night, but I know it's a destructive coping mechanism. At this point I'm doing what I can to survive and if that's what I have to do to have a restful night I say to hell with it. But I don't want to keep doing this forever! Meditation, relaxing techniques, etc., are worthless right now because my grief is so new and raw. My Dad was the most important person in my life, the love of my life, and I still am not sure if I've truly accepted he's gone. I was also wondering if anyone started getting strange nightmares? I've had dreams with Dad in them but they aren't upsetting; however, I've been having very strange surreal nightmares that I can't get out of. This has happened infrequently before but it seems to be recurring more often - had two before I got up this morning. I hope no one preaches about what I'm doing wrong (I know it's wrong) but I'd be interested in hearing about others' experiences and how they handled the sleep issue. Thanks, Kathy

I've found that friends sometimes call with support and advice which although it is due to good intentions it doesn't help the person suffering because they don't understand. And then there are those "friends" who call to first say they are sorry but never bother to even send a sympathy card and instead go on about their problems. I do understand why some people don't want to face what they will eventually face but I don't understand why a certain friend of mine who dealt with his girlfriend's cancer for 5 years relied on me for support, recommended his group then dropped out of the picture because got a new girlfriend. Everything seems to be about THEM. I'm enormously angry at my so-called friends who have shown themselves to be completely self-centered. But since I know that they haven't dealt with grief (other than my friend who's girlfriend died of cancer) they can't be expected to understand. I guess it's ignorance but don't think it's a lack of compassion for the most part. At my Dad's memorial I had friends I haven't seen in years show up with sympathy. But I remember not knowing what to do when my now absent friend's girlfriend died - I tried and I think that's what everyone with a soul is trying to do.

Tara, I totally understand (as you know) what you are going through. I don't go a day without crying and feeling that part of me has died. I'm not in your shoes in that I don't have to deal with this alone, but I also have to confront "stuff" that could be seen as insignificant; my Mom told me today that Dad wanted me to have all his CDs because we both loved music and I lost it. The very thought of seeing those CDs and remembering the concerts we used to see - I can't even listen to a blues or Grateful Dead tune without collapsing even though I always liked them. I do feel the sense of powerlessness as well, I can't get him back and never will be able to. Grief takes time although I wish I could get on with it. Seems that a lot of people believe that after a month or so you should be ready to get out and about...I know they are well wishing but how can you ask someone who's best friend/Dad died a month ago to commit to a concert that's two hours away?? Or go to a movie even though they know that movie theaters remind me of Dad since we were both movie buffs?? It sounds unimportant but the little things are the hardest. We all are doing the best we can and reliving what we may think of as past mistakes or not doing what we should have doesn't do us any good. I was in Florida for a month while Dad was in the hospital and keep thinking that I should have stayed home, yet I know that he wouldn't have wanted me to not take the trip. That's what I try to do - tell myself that he wouldn't have wanted me to sink into a depression (I keep tottering near it), wouldn't have wanted me to stop doing what I enjoy...I guess I think we should remind ourselves that our loved ones would never want to see us suffer even though we are. Now I'm the one rambling but hope I made some sense! Kathy

Hi Tara, It's Kathy and I hope this site will be helpful for you. After I wrote I completely broke down into a sobbing fit because all I could see in my mind was pictures of my Dad (going on one month) and the things we did together. I feel like I have a normal day then it crumbles to pieces without warning. My mind is all over the place, thinking at one point that I can handle everything then thinking that I won't be able to. You are not alone! The waves of grief come when least expected and can be unbearable - I spent the last two hours in complete misery until my brain seemed to decide that it had had enough and shut town (temporarily). I hope that the wonderful people on this site will be helpful for you. We're all going through things that most people can't understand. Kathy