KathyD

Hi Whiteswan, I recently entered the fifth month without my Dad (he passed on 3/30/06) and have had some of the same experiences. I don't get lightheaded or dizzy but I'll suddenly feel as though someone dropped a brick on my chest - very tense, like I'm a balloon that is ready to pop. I'll try to ignore it but it never lasts and I usually wind up a sobbing wreck or have fits of anger that aren't normally characteristic of me. I blew up in my car two weeks ago and just started screaming and afterwards I was shaking like a leaf and breathing fast. Then more crying...I think the lightheadedness might be similiar to "the calm before the storm," where your subconcious knows that it can't handle much more before erupting in either anger or tears. That's how I think of the feeling of mounting pressure inside that comes out of nowhere. It was at three months where it really hit that he was gone and although that was the most difficult time for me so far we're both still early into the grieving process and I think all these unexpected emotions are part of what we have to go through. I sometimes feel that I've lost it upstairs but every reaction you've described and the ones I've experencied are all listed as common in one of my grief books (I think I have check marks next the nearly every one of them!). It's not easy, yesterday I had a "good" day with friends hanging out but once I got home I go so upset that literally was on the floor sobbing. Once again the old rollercoaster ride! But know that you're not alone, most of us can completely relate to how you feel and what you're going through. Take care, Kathy

Hi Lori, I'm not going to try to say "where we should be when" because it's impossible since grief is an individual thing. I had a hard time at the three month mark and thought that after that I'd be OK - I was fooling myself. My life was all about my Dad and although I've tried to be "normal" and thought I was grieving properly (based on what others told me) it's not that easy. I spent last night sobbing since my father really was my life to me and when I thought about life without him I broke down completey. So I attempted to go out and socialize but came back home missing him more than ever. I would give anything to be able to see him enjoy a Blues concert again and be with him. ANYTHING. I know I'm not being any help to you but I know how you feel to a certain extent since missing someone who you have lost is almost impossible to bear. I just watched the last video I took of him this past January and to hear his voice and see him so vital two months before the cancer took him; well, I'm trying and think this site is helpful. Kathy

What a lovely poem, it summed up a lot of the feelings that grief brings perfectly. I lost my Dad four months ago and miss him so much that it hurts. My family had a birthday celebration this past weekend and it did feel wrong to be celebrating without him there; in fact, it felt so wrong to me that I broke down and had to leave. It's tough to continue living when it seems that every day just blends together and is something that has to be gotten through rather than enjoyed. Kathy

Starkiss, Thank you for your kind words. I think that because our tolerance to stress is so low even carrying out a plan such as going to your brother's can seem unbearable. Carrying out a plan means getting ready to go out, driving there, socializing, etc., and while that may sound "easy" when you're suffering through grief nothing is easy. I had to visit my family this past weekend and although it was supposed to be celebratory (two birthdays over two days) I was anxious the entire week before and got so upset by the second day that I had to leave. At first I felt really guilty but on the flip side knew that I had to do what would help me at that moment instead of putting on an act and making it worse for me emotionally in the long run. So I guess even if other people think that doing this or that is no big deal a loss IS a big deal and anything that we have to handle on top of that, minor or not, is adding to the stress we feel while grieving. Hope that makes some sense...I try to tell myself this whenever I think or am told I "should be able to" do something. Kathy

I'm so sorry for everyone's losses and know how hard the grief process is. I had my own relapse the past few days even though I've only gone four months since losing my Dad. My brother, sister-in-law and adorable 15-month old nephew flew in to celebrate my brother and Mom's birthdays...it was the first group "celebration" since Dad's death. Although I made it through my brother's birthday yesterday I had a very difficult time going to the house and just couldn't handle it again today. I went and tried to be happy for my Mom's sake but after seeing all Dad's stuff gone from the garage yesterday and his picture on the fireplace mantle I barely made it home without breaking down. So going back this afternoon was very painful and after about an hour I just couldn't stay despite it being Mom's birthday. The emotions that hit yesterday were only compounded, and even though everyone was having fun playing with my nephew all I could think about was the empty garage, the fact that this was the first year Dad wasn't here (and couldn't see my nephew toddle around), etc. One of my grief books said that everyone reacts to things differently but I felt horrible that I couldn't put on the face again and pretend that I wasn't sitting in a living room that Dad was in a mere four months ago. I think my family judged me because I left, and it's hard because while they might have been enjoying themselves I was on the verge of tears and found to be too much for me. My Mom said that being in the house would get easier and that I "had to get used to it" - I almost lost it when I heard that. I wanted to say that she's had four months to accustom herself to the memories and that I've only been to the house a few times (i.e. everything I see is still fresh), but I know we all react differently to situations. Relapses are expected and inevitable even if we don't know when they'll hit all the time. And what will cause a relapse for one person may not do the same for another (which is what I wish my family could have understood). OK, I'll stop rambling, I just wanted to write that I feel for everyone and do know how tough it can be. Kathy

Kellymarie, Congratulations on being able to associate your loss with a happy memory and smile! Sounds like a complete oxymoron to be able to do this but I think a main goal in grief recovery is to finally be capable of having fond memories that aren't drenched in sadness (I told a grief counselor that I thought it was an important hurdle and she agreed but who am I to say anything?). I agree with Paul when it comes to going slower or being quieter in that it's more of a deliberate action instead something that was once spontaneous. I'm an outgoing person but after my Dad died four months ago I've had to force myself to "act" like I used to, which again comes back to the issue of putting on faces. In some ways I am calmer because I know I'm a different person but I do feel as though part of my quietness is due to my putting on a false facade, which I hate to do. On the flip side, though, if a person can get to that state of tranquility without feeling like they're acting it is a great thing! What's ironic is that while I initially couldn't sleep after Dad died I for a while slept fine but now - four months later - can't sleep for the life of me. The past two weeks I can be as tired as can be but still can't sleep even after three hours of lying in bed. I do yoga and breathing exercises and although they helped now they're of no use! I don't know what it is...I think it's because my brother's family is flying in this weekend to celebrate birthdays and there's an underlying stress there. I have to go back to my childhood home, see Dad's car gone, his things gone, etc., and try to act like I'm enjoying myself. So maybe your sleeping troubles are related to an event or issue you haven't thought about? Or maybe it's because on some level you feel guilty about feeling happy again for a little while (which you shouldn't)? I've been driving myself nuts trying to figure out what my problem is as far as sleeping goes and concluded that it's the family get together. I don't have any answers but I guess I realized that there some things that seem completely ordinary which aren't after a loss and that it can take its toll? Hope this makes a bit of sense... Kathy

I think that in a way the idea of masking and manners is the same thing. We try to shield people from our feelings because we don't want them to feel uncomfortable and also don't want to reveal how much we hurt because most probably don't understand. Or don't know what to do - most of my friends have told me that they have no idea what to say to me or how to act. I tell them to just be there for me and not feel as though they have say this or that but they in turn have told me it's hard since they feel helpless. So I suppose we do put on a front in order to keep people from feeling that way, and in doing so it is a mannerism. The "how are you" questions arise but to admit that you're having a bad day is tough (on top of having the bad day!) because responding to a person who has suffered through a loss is hard in itself. I do hate thinking that I have to act differently than how I feel, but I also try to put myself in the shoes of those who haven't been through this sort of experience. In the end I think that we have to bear the grief alone because even those who have gone through it deal with it differently and the relationships between the ones who are lost are not the same. People assume certain things that are true but no one has identical mindsets; my brother believes that I have it "easier" than my Mom but none of us are in each others' boats. I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say but I guess that once we accept that our journey through grief is something we need to alone (on some levels) we also put on our masks and begin using mannerisms that are more acceptable for others who aren't on this path. Kathy

Ann, The three month mark was definitely the hardest time for me to date so I know exactly how you feel. I couldn't bring myself to look at pictures of Dad, let alone any videos I had taken, at that point and while I've since watched a video and flipped through some photos it instantly brought on the waterworks. I'm not that farther along (month four) and can't say that everything has gotten easier in the extra month's time but I've found that I'm not crying as much as I did when I was at the three month point. I think the comments about coming out of the initial shock are on the money - you think that you've accepted the loss but then you realize how enormous it actually is and it slams into you. I always cry when I think of Dad and know that the future is going to be difficult but it does seem that the emotional wallop that hits at three months subsides a little after that (maybe only temporarily, but a little). That doesn't mean you're suddenly better (far from it) but that agonizing heartbreak appears to be the hardest at three months.

Hi Sunstreet, As Haley said you're not alone in dealing with your grief, we're all along on same awful ride with you. My family isn't exactly like yours but no one really talks about Dad (he died in March) and it is maddening how some act as though nothing has happened. I'm heartbroken and while I know my Mom is too I can't put on the game face that she does; I'm in pain and I have to cry and be able to say that no one else is feeling what I am. But I do think that we have to confront the feelings and go through the horrible emotions instead of running from them, though. There aren't any answers but to get through the grief we have to allow the grief to happen, even if we don't understand what's happening. It's damned HARD to do and I also thought things would get easier but we can't expect ourselves to be all right after only a few short months. Hang in there even though that's easier said than done... Kathy

Hi Shanna, While I think your Mom would want you take the exam and get through it you also have to do what you think is best for yourself right now. If you do freeze every semester maybe there is a counselor you can talk to or maybe you can ask to re-schedule the test so it doesn't coincide with the loss of your Mom? I guess I don't want you feel that you "need" to do this and put pressure on yourself that you're not ready for...it may do a lot of good to put the test behind you but I do think that you should be in the right sort of situation to get through it, whether it be after talking to a counselor or setting a new time frame to take it. I also don't think you should ever feel as though you're letting anyone down by not doing something, you're just trying to cope with a loss that no one but yourself can comprehend. Kathy

As to what Paul said about the possibility that we may have said things unintentionally insensitive or non-helpful prior to our own grief experience, I completely agree. I had a friend who lost a long-time love two years ago and when she died I had no idea what to do for him or how he felt (I certainly do NOW). I tried to be sympathetic and be there for him but I also did things that are irritating to me during my grief experience, such as trying to get him out and about before he was ready. I thought being social would boost his spirits but since that's the last thing I currently want to because it doesn't do squat I can see how I might have been pushy without knowing it. I also told him that he'd move on from his loss and now cringe at the thought that I said that. He thankfully didn't weed me out of his life (and he is giving me all the space I need) but when people annoy or upset me these days I think back to how I was with my friend and try to remember that it's hard to understand what a person is going through until you've actually been there yourself. This doesn't mean that I don't get irritated or don't feel like screaming, and it is unfortunate that you have to walk in another's shoes before you can relate to them on some level, but this experience has made me much more aware. That said, I definitely do believe that losing someone definitely opens your eyes to who your true friends are and at times it's unbelievable that a person or people you have tried to support for years suddenly doesn't have time to call or even attempt to be helpful. In my mind it only goes to show (as others have said) how shallow people can be and in a way the weeding through process saves us from wasting our efforts on people who are "takers." Kathy

Hi Jenn, I also had no experience with death (I'm 35) other than that of a pet, so I'm sort of in the same boat you are as far as coping skills and handling emotions are concerned. My beloved father died 3 months ago and I too have found that it seems that grieving has to be done alone since almost everyone either doesn't understand or says the same things you've heard about being "over it." I've found that some "friends" have vanished and others that try to be there really aren't and at times make things worse by telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing. It's rough going through everything alone, I know! I saw a grief counselor and that helped, and I'd recommend buying a book or two on grief since it helps explain certain emotions. Definitely continue coming to this site - tt's been wonderful for me because the people here are so caring and DO understand. Kathy

Thanks everyone, it makes me feel so much better to know that this is normal and I'm not alone. Jester's comment really rang true: "When grieving, we seem to get angry for no reason, or more likely for no justifiable reason. I think it's because nothing feels right. How can things be right or feel right when we are devastated on the inside? People trying to talk us into going out, finding a distraction, we also feel no one understands us. Some people, I can assure you, have no clue what they are speaking of, and some do, but not from our angle, they are not in our shoes." It's so easy to tell myself this truth but it still angers me when friends can't comprehend why I have to cancel a girl's night out because I can't socialize at a bar or make happy talk about romance, etc. I told one yesterday that coping with death is like having an intense emotional wound, and that if I had a broken leg none would expect me to be able to go for a hike. He understood THAT but no one can see what it's like internally. And with tolerance levels at such a low point (I'm glad that was pointed out here) everything is enough to make you snap. I'm so thankful for all of you and your advice, after reading your responses I calmed down immediately! Kathy

Thanks for the insights Maylissa and Derek! As this was the first time I was so overwhelmed with anger I wasn't sure what exactly sparked my intense irritation since everything seemed so benign. Maylissa - you're so right with the "shouldy" attitude people have. I know they think that saying a person should do this or that might help with the grief, but they're not the person experiencing it. Most of my friends have tried to understand and have been there for me, but there are others who only make things worse. I do try to ignore what I tell myself is misguided advice and do what I feel I need to to cope. I just have a tough time when it comes to family, as I feel guilty if I can't be there emotionally and if I try to put on the "face" I wind up feeling guilty, resentful and irritated. It is early in the grieving phase and I find it unbelievable how some people can expect me to suddenly be happy - I had an uncle write to thank me for something I forwarded and he commented that he had gotten the impression I was unhappy. My Dad died three months ago!! How the h*ll did he think I'd feel? Sorry, got off track there! Time to oneself definitely is the most important thing we can do to help us get through our pain, though, and it's nice to know that there are others out there who DO understand why this is the way it has to be. Kathy

Hi, I was just wondering whether anyone has experienced feeling overly pressured by things that were no big deal in the past, to the point where it's so overwhelming you explode? This Saturday a friend invited me to go out on the town and then the on the next day I'm supposed to meet my Mom and grandmother for dinner, but last night I became so upset and angry that I wanted to scream. I don't know why but this morning I was crying and screaming in my car (which I NEVER do) and felt that although rationally I know such social get togethers are normal I just felt like I couldn't do any of it. It's only been 3 months since my Dad died and it's been hard for me to commit to any plan, and if I have to I feel pressured. I have people telling me I should do this or that but I'm not ready and have to deal with this in my own time and way. They just don't get it and the more they tell me "it's only a dinner", etc., the more irritated and angry I become. I was so anxious last night that I was having chest pains! Has this or something similar happened to anyone else? I'm normally calm, practice yoga and meditate so these emotions aren't helping me cope any. Kathy

Ally, I agree 100% with Shell and Derek in that unless you've lost someone you cared about you really cannot fathom how intense and emotional grief is. I read that in a random poll of people who hadn't lost anyone that most expected that a person should be "over it" in 6 weeks! The author went on to note that that was a ridiculous expectation and that everyone has their own timetable. Because people who haven't been through the experience have no clue they tend to say stupid or hurtful things, probably without considering what they're really saying. A friend of mine told me he knew I was in "turmoil" and he was experiencing my loss as well (after meeting Dad ONCE) and although that's nothing compared to what has been said to you it's still maddening. People just don't know what to do for the most part - another friend lost his girlfriend 7 years ago and when he told me I had yet to lose someone and couldn't fully comprehend what he was going through. I didn't think he'd be "over it" in a set time but I also naively believed that he'd be back to his old self sooner rather than later. Now I realize how very wrong I was, and when I get angry at people I think back to how I once didn't understand. Hope this helps and keep posting here, everone has been wonderful. Kathy

Hi az4me, I lost my Dad and best friend March 30. The anger you feel is normal, I felt it too and still feel that the doctors could have done more, etc. I don't think a lot of people know what to say to someone who's suffered a huge loss, and may not say anything because they don't want to upset the other person. I always get asked how my Mom is and want to tell everyone that I have feelings too even if I look "OK." You're not being selfish to want others to know that you're hurting or to have those feelings. From what I've read it's best to let your emotions run free instead of bottling them up since grief is work and the only way through it is to experience the pain. Not fun, believe me I know! I don't have any answers but think that you have to be there for yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's not selfish and if anything in the long run it will help you through this. Kathy

Hi Kelly, I know what you mean about the home being a land mine. Even though almost everything around me can trigger a memory of Dad once and a while out of the blue something I'd forgotten about suddenly pops up when least expected and starts off a new wave of tears. The other day I was doing exercises on the floor when I happened to open a book that was at eye level - a picture of Dad and I at Thanksgiving fell out of it. So much for the rest of my exercises as I burst into a sobbing wreck. I don't think we can completely trigger-proof our lives, things are going to constantly come at us and remind us of what we've lost. It sucks but at least we have the memories? I think in the long run it would be worse if we had nothing left even though at this point any memory is tough to handle. Hopefully in time the memories will bring more smiles than tears... Kathy

Hi Joe, I understand how you feel as I was going to go to the cemetary to visit my Dad's gravestone on Sunday but couldn't do it - I'm going in a few hours instead. I've only been once before and broken down so I'm sure it will be the same today, but I'm hoping I feel a sense of spirit there. A grief counselor asked if I felt my Dad was with me (I lost him 2 1/2 months ago) and I honestly don't, which makes the pain even harder. Is it something that "comes" to you eventually? I certainly hope so, it would make things a bit easier, if that is possible. Kathy

Hi Penny, Thanks for the advice, I do understand where you're coming from. My trouble is that I've been around my family (before Dad died - I suffer from depression) and broken down and none knew what to do. I know everyone copes differently but my brother has told me I "should be able to do" this or that by now and I just can't. He's got a wife and baby in a separate state so his situation isn't the same. I guess if they were sorting through Dad's things I would make an effort but my brother is mainly helping my Mom toss out stuff that is too heavy or doesn't work anymore (i.e. the TV in Mom and Dad's bedroom, an old exercise bike). They're not going to go through his personal belongings, that will be months down the road, and I'm definitely going to be there when that happens. I know I'd regret it if I weren't, just as you said. Kathy

Hi Vero, I'm sort of at the same point you are (I'm 36 and at the three month mark of my beloved Dad's death) so I understand everything you're feeling because I'm feeling the same things. I've been down to my Dad and Mom's house twice since his death and put on my fake face but I've gotten to the point where I can't go there anymore right now because everything - here, there, everywhere - reminds me of him and it's too much to take. I finally went to a grief counselor who told me to take everything in baby-baby steps and to take as much time as I need to to process it all. She didn't think it was selfish for my not wanting to see my Mom or brother since I'm in a boatload of pain...she said I needed to take care of myself first and foremost. I e-mailed my Mom and was completely open about how I felt, and her response was to do what I could but that there wouldn't be any pressure. I think maybe if you told your family how deeply you're hurting and how it's too much for you to fly out there right now they would understand. I posted this in another topic but the three month mark is HARD HARD HARD. Not a day goes by where I don't break down into a sobbing wreck and although I'm able to do the basic things that need to be done I can't be the person I was three months ago, and some people don't understand it. It's a struggle to talk on the phone (putting on the fake voice there), etc., but I know myself and know that I need to be alone in my pain. I don't like sobbing in front of others because they never know what to do or say and while I certainly don't blame them I've decided that if they can't understand they can't. I know I'm rambling but I hope this makes some sense or makes you feel that you're not alone in this terrible ordeal (that's an understatement). I'm right there with you. Kathy

Tori, I agree with everything Shell wrote but also had to add that I'm the same way when it comes with dealing with family vs. going out to the store, etc. For about a month or two after my Dad's death in March this year I forced myself to talk to my brother and Mom but eventually found it was too much because after hanging up the phone I'd either feel angry that they didn't seem to be feeling as horrible as I did or stressed that I had to put on a fake front. Now I can't bear to talk to or see them and finally expressed my feelings to my Mom in an e-mail. That helped. But I still feel guilty - my brother is flying in from Wisconsin this coming Thursday and staying through Father's Day (I don't even want to think about that day) to help Mom move some of Dad's stuff. I haven't seen him since Christmas and feel as though I should go to the house and help/visit but I just can't because I know I'd break down. They're able to act "normal" and I've given up trying to be that way. So I guess I'm saying that you're not alone in isolating yourself from family, no matter how wonderful they are. We each have our own ways of getting through our pain and being alone isn't a bad thing if it's what we have to do. Kathy

I also thank you Lori. My Dad died March 30 of this year and I don't know how I'm going to deal with the day itself. At this point I'm trying not to think about it, but it's sometimes hard with all those ads out there that pop up unexpectedly. What makes matters worse is Dad's birthday is the week afterwards - I can't wait for June to end.

Vero, I'm the same way with wanting to sleep and not feel, along with not wanting to deal with people because most don't understand. I miss my Dad so much that it hurts and whenever I think that he's truly gone I also sometimes wish I were gone as well. But that's not what he would have wanted. Everything does seem unbearable and when the emotions hit it's like diving into a pool with no water. We're in the early phases of grief (how reassuring) but judging by the other posters on this board we all should make it through somehow. I saw a counselor today who told me to take baby-baby steps through the process and not to feel that I should be somewhere emotionally when I'm really not - that is, take our time and work through it however long it may be. That helped a bit since too many people expect too much too soon (most of whom have never lost someone they loved). Hang in there, I'm trying to as well. Kathy

Hi Sunstreet, After reading your post I felt that I could have written most of it because I know exactly where you're coming from. I lost my Dad almost three months ago (it's recently become even more difficult to deal with if that's possible) and I also constantly get questions about how my Mom is doing. I know people mean well and think that if I "look OK" I must be OK but I'm not, far from it. I love my Mom and have tried to be there for her but finally had to write her (it was impossible to talk about on the phone) and tell her that while I love her I had built up so much anger against so many people regarding their perceived pettiness that I needed time to myself to be THERE for myself. I felt guilty at first even though I tried to explain that everyone deals with grief differently and that I just couldn't sit and listen to the same small quibbles every day when I was suffering, especially since no one seemed to take that into account. I realize that people probably don't know what to say - I'm really tired of "how are you doing?" because I want to yell "how do you THINK I'm doing?!!!" but I know they mean well and might ask about my Mom to either protect themselves from my having a breakdown or because they don't know what else to say. I also remember how my Dad looked in the days before he died and can't get the vision out of my head. He was doing fine a week before I lost him - I remember sitting in his hospital room discussing politics and books with him, and him saying that he was looking forward to taking a trip to see his 1 year old nephew this summer. Then four days later I got a call that he was in the ICU. His chest had caved in, his breath was raspy and he was shaking like a leaf...it was awful to see. He clutched at my hand and told me I was the only one who knew how he felt (I've had depression all my life and have wanted to end it more than one) but to see him go from vibrant and playing golf one month to the way he was at the end was horrible. I hadn't thought about it much until recently and now it seems to be in my mind constantly - I think it's the third month thing again. So you're not alone to be thinking these thoughts. It's hard not to. I'm probably going into counseling soon myself. Saturday I was so upset that I spent the day sobbing and wondered whether I could get through this. I'm so glad for the people on these boards as they have been the only ones who truly understand. Keep posting sunset, I feel your pain like it's my own. Kathy