Cheryl

Dave, I work for a wholesale plant grower in phx. I'd like to donate plants to fill your tires. We grow veggies, herbs and flowers as well as some shrubs and a lot of cactus. Do you have an idea of what you want to do? I would not be able to get you the material until next week. Please let me help you with this project. If you are anxious to get it done this weekend, I could donate plants for another project at your home. Herb gardens are awesome! and I have a killer pesto recipe. Let me know and please remember no pressure. Whenever you are ready. Cheryl

It sounds like all of us are struggling with our added responsibilities! Perseverence! Marc, I'll take you up on your offer for plumbing assistance. Hopefully since you are from Vegas you are familiar somewhat with sprinklers. I have three manual sprinkler valves in the front yard. I manually crank them on and off. I've noticed in the last few months that when the heads pop up on the second station they no longer rotate. At first I thought it was dirt in the heads. But recently when I twist the valve shut they no longer shut all the way off and the sprinkler heads leak a small amount of water for 30 minutes or so. The valve caps have come off all three stations and I thought dirt or a rock might have gotten down into the valve. I've sprayed water into the valve and taken the ring off and screwed it back on. No changes in the leakage at the heads. After the valve is closed for a while the leaking at the heads eventually stops but through out that time frame there is a loud knocking noise coming from the main water line to the house. I know that when there is air in the line that pipes will vibrate creating a noise. But now we have an added problem. When we flush the toilet or take a shower the noise starts again and is very loud and continues after the water flow stops for about 30 seconds to a minute. I think the problem is the sprinkler system rather than the main house plumbing. My husbands motto was always, "Keep it simple stupid". So I know to always start with the simple things first and work up. He also always told me that you have to always look at the whole picture not just one part. I am certain that the whole thing is tied together but I don't know what to check first. I have a feeling I need to do some digging around the valves and the main line? Any ideas? I am very handy but I need some direction. I went back to the nail shop and got another manicure and I was told that I should always wear gloves when working around the house. I had to laugh because if I had only read the can I could have saved myself the headache and the lecture from the manicurist. LOL

Thanks for all your kind replies! It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this new beginning. I feel much better today. Thank goodness I ran out of toilet paper yesterday. It made me take a shower and head to the store again. Good friends came by in the evening and brought shrimp cocktails, I grilled a few hot dogs and it helped distract me from my woes. My neighbor got a kick out of the spray foam story and at first thought I was trying to fix a pipe leak with the stuff, he was very releived that it was a hole in the wall around the pipe! I was surprised how fragile I felt yesterday and realize now that moving my daughter into the dorms and all that goes with the process was very stressful. Flights to book and cars to rent, maps to print out and then navigate, shopping and organizing. Orientation meetings, president's welcome to campus, family picnic. Then a new bank account to open, so many decisions to make and money evaporating out of my wallet. Her tears and uncertainty about the decision to move so far away. Then I had to say goodbye to her on her birthday and all I could think about was Mark and I welcoming our first born child into the world on the very same day that I was having to leave her hundreds of miles from home. We were so eager to be parents and had such great plans, which included this very day and yet I was all alone sending her off. I'm surprised I didn't melt down in the airport. At least it waited until I got back home! But I feel better today and know that I will continue to adjust to all the changes in my life one day at a time. thanks! Cheryl

I thought my fellow widows and widowers might be able to relate to my latest home project. I hate cockroaches. I can handle spiders, crickets, worms, ect.. but roaches put me over the edge. Last night I opened the medicine cabinet to get my face wash out. I reached behind my makeup bag and felt something run across my hand. I screamed and a huge 3" long sewer roach fell to the floor and scurried away. I couldn't tell if it had come from the drain or not, but I looked into the floor cabinet and noticed that around the pipes there was a large hole with a rag stuffed into it. This morning I took everything out of the medicine cabinet and the floor cabinet. I threw almost everything away, wiped it all down and thought that the roach might have come in from the hole in the wall with the rag in it. Once I took the rag out I was pretty disgusted and knew that it had to be patched. I remember my husband using spray foam insulation to fill smaller holes and cracks and I took off to Ace Hardware. It was a mistake the minute a pulled up to the store. They were grilling hot dogs and giving out sodas and I suddenly flashed back to all the previous Labor day projects. Everyone at Ace knew my husband and Labor day was always his favorite project weekend because of the free food at the store. I ran in grabbed my spray foam and passed the adirondack chair kits that they bring in every labor day. Years before Mark had bought me two chair kits and I had spent the whole weekend sanding down each piece of wood, painting each piece and putting the chairs together. Mark had shown me step by step what to do and reinforced how sanding and painting first would make a nicer chair. I just stood there frozen in front of the chairs. Lately I think I'm suffering from PTSD and find myself with constant flash backs. Not only of past memories but of the entire day of his death. Rewinding the police coming to the door, the trip to the hospital, hyperventilating in the small empty waiting room. The look on the doctors faces and hearing the words that there was nothing they could do. He was crushed on impact. Then the long walk to the room where he lay dead. A breathing tube in his throat. Crawling up onto the gurney and wrapping myself around him one last time. Over and over I replay that day. How could hotdogs and adirondack chairs have triggered all the horror again. Once I got home I quickly attached the spray nozzle, shook the can vigoursly for 30 seconds and began to spray foam into the hole. I should have known the hole was going to be hard to fill. It was a large hole. Probably 8" by 6". The foam started to fall out into the cabinet so I scooped up the foam and tried to stuff it into the hole. The foam began to expand and the hole was filling but my hands were now covered with foam also. I ran to the kitchen and tried to quickly wash off the foam. It was very sticky and as I lathered my hands with soap I quickly realised that the cold water was causing the foam to harden on my hands. I tried the 409 then the laundry soap. Nothing would get this stuff off. The wash rags and the hand towels were now covered in foam as well. Plus the can and nozzle were coated in the stuff and I had left drips on the floor that had foamed into hardened clumps. I coated my reading glasses trying read the back of the can. In big letters it said use gloves and if contact is made with the skin use acetone to remove. Scraping away when possible. May take time to wear off. Now the spray foam was under my nails and expanding. It was no longer sticky it was like a layer of plastic all over my hands and arms. I have used the acetone and the kitchen scrubby. Plus the steel wool. I am still covered in the stuff and now my skin is raw and dry. I have a huge mess in both my bathroom and the kitchen. The towels and wash cloths will have to be destoyed and I'm wondering if the stuff is in the drains since I had tried to wash it off in the beginning! I started the project thinking that it was inexpensive, easy and a no brainer. I thought I would feel good about accomplishing a small task that I normaly would have asked my husband to do. I thought having a clean cabinet would make me feel better. Who would have thought something so simple could cascade into flashbacks, tears and frustration. I've thought about going down to the nail salon and asking them to help me. But I don't know how to explain the mess to the vietnamese women who work there. I'm sure we would lose something in the translation. But I know you all understand how it feels to be so helpless and alone. I have always been fairly self sufficient but I miss having a man take care of me and I miss the roles we both held in our home. I'm tired of doing everything myself, I'm worn out from being both mom and dad, lawn guy, plumber, bug killer, pool fixer and grill master. I don't like the charcoal mess or the tools and guy stuff. I'm lonely and sad and I just want my old life back. The one that is over, gone unrepairable. This can't be fixed and I will always have this whole in my heart. My husband would get a kick out of this and probably laugh really hard but all I can do is sit here and cry. I miss him so damn much.

Melina, I am in Seattle the next several days moving my daughter into the dorms at Pacific Lutheran University. I am beginning to anticipate the loss of her leaving me. I am so excited for her but realizing that another huge adjustment awaits me. Yesterday when we got on campus I was pointing out all the neat things. My daughter finally told me to stop. I am now realizing that she is very anxious herself. She has been tearing up and is very quiet. Everything is so different here in Seattle. She is overwhelmed with so many changes herself. I need to remember that she will be all alone here and it must be scary. I'm sure your son misses the security of home as well. Hang in there and any advice you could share with me may help. Cheryl

I am overwhelmed by all the responses to my post. You are the ones that understand, the ones that can relate and appreciate the depth of sorrow and the struggle to keep moving forward. The sadness in having to change everything and the triumph in seeing growth. There were two surprises on Mark's death day. Only two people called. My mother in law and my sister. It was painful to think that no one remembered him. My mother in law said several people called her and asked her if they should call me, but they didn't want to make me sad. I truly will never understand how ignoring my pain would make me feel better. Did people really think that i was not mourning his death on the anniversary. Even a text on my phone would have helped. She also said that so many people are happy that my kids and I are doing so well and are glad to see us smiling again. That's nice but I would have loved to have heard it from them. Here is what people don't see. My daughter and I sharing tears that life is still very painful without him. My son hugging me because I am sad. We are moving forward in life but there is a deep sadness and the journey has not ended for us. I bought myself the flowers, I wrote a letter to myself from Mark. He told me he was so sorry to have caused us sooooo much pain. He told me that he missed me too. That he was busy preparing a place for me. My daughter and I got our nails done. We got through the day together, the three of us. But we sure missed him. Thank you for understanding my friends. I'm forever grateful for your strength and friendship. Cheryl

He died two years ago tomorrow. Sometimes it feels like he surely can't be gone and at other times it seems like a century since we last held each other. Two whole years. I have been trying to figure out what I've been doing for two years. The first month or two I was numb and I only remember cleaning everything over and over again, trying to keep busy and needing to escape reality. I didn't dare sip a glass of wine, I was so sure it would lead to a 1/5 of tequila. I sold my husbands business, filed for social security for the kids and learned that I might be losing my job. Oh, and my husbands father found out he had cancer and almost died too. In my spare time I remember spending a lot of time curled up in a ball on the floor or screaming in the shower hoping the kids wouldn't hear me. I was wrong, they heard everything and I probably have scarred them for life. Month three and four I knew I couldn't survive the pain, it was just too hard. I spent hours begging god to take me to be with my husband. I couldn't sleep and lost 25 lbs, which put me at 5'8" and 105 lbs. Everyone begged me to eat and I refused. I was pissed off and knew that NOT eating was one thing I had control of. I lived off water and occasionally gagged down a salad. I couldn't sleep and the doctor prescribed somthing mild and made sure I only had a months supply so I couldn't kill myself. He had the gall to chastise me for not having had my mammagram and I remember telling him he was nuts if he thought I was going to do anything to prolong this hell. First time I had smiled in weeks. The fifth and sixth month I returned to work but didn't talk to anyone and spent most of my time researching ways to die on the internet. I knew I couldn't blow my brains out and I didn't want a mess for my kids to find. I shared with a friend that I couldn't be the mom that my kids needed me to be and that they were suffering watching me day after day unable to function. That if I could figure a way out that was fool proof then I would be content to go. I really thought my kids would understand and would be better off with relatives. I know he thought I was crazy and he was right. When you contemplate suicide you are not able to see anything except the pain and you just want it to STOP!!! The weird thing is that once I found a fool proof way to do it, I started to get a break in the pain. Knowing that I had control over whether I lived or died was a relief. I was in the drivers seat again. Now the choice was mine. If I felt bad enough, I had my way out. By the seventh and eighth month I realized I had survived his birthday, our anniversary, thanksgiving, christmas and new years. It was spring and I planted a garden, went for walks and took my kids white water rafting. I started to realize that just maybe I would survive. But I was pissed because I really wanted to be with him and I felt torn The first year anniversary was hard but the day itself wasn't as hard as I had built it up to be. I sat down and wrote a letter to my friends and told them that I was stronger and yearned to be happy again. I started to fight my way back. But that second year in many ways was worse than the first year. I was truly on my own. I had no idea who I was and I had know idea who I wanted to be. I couldn't be me anymore because my world had been destoyed. You see Mark and I were as one. We were so entertwined. There had never been a me or him once we were married. We were one. He went to work one day and never came home. No warning, no preparation, no fears. Just poof. gone! I spent most of year number two trying new things all alone. And for the first 6 months of that second year it pretty much sucked. I did everything angry and resentful but I kept doing things. I also rested alot. I layed around the house alot. I let things go that I had never let go before. Most things really didn't matter to me. The windows covered with dog noses stayed that way. The fish tank didn't get cleaned often. I was easily distracted and felt like my life was forced. If you asked me if I was happy I would have laughed at you and then bit your head off. So now I am at the end of year two. I'm still not "happy" but I can tell that I will be happy someday. I can go out and have fun with friends. I'm not uncomfortable with people and I feel alot better. I still cry a lot and I just except the pain now. I never fight it anymore. I have plans for fall that include a hiking club, exercise, a spanish class and hopefully a date with a man. But it will have to be someone totally diffirent than my man. Because no one could compare to him. But I'm not ready to look, just open to the opportunity now. No rush. Tomorrow I'm going to buy myself flowers. I'm going to write a letter to me from Mark. He's going to tell me he's sorry he died and that I deserve these flowers. Then I'm going to get a manicure and a pedicure. I'm going to cry with the nail lady who lost her husband five years ago. I'm going to come home and cry some more. Listen to a meditaton CD. In the evening we will make tomatoe basil bisque soup and toasted cheese sandwiches. Then we will go out for a big ice cream sundae at The Sugar Bowl. Then I will watch tv until I fall asleep and then year number two will be over.

Just thought I would post that Marty T's dog died today. He was 15 years old. Her post is in the pet bereavment posts. She does so much for us with this site that I know everyone would want to share there condolence. Marty, I have three whippet's they have carried me through many years but especially through my grief. They have carried my children through their grief. The unconditional love that these sweet spirits share with us is truly a gift from god. My son asked me if dogs go to heaven. I asked him if his dog had feelings, if his dog could understand him. He said of course! I know that my husband is surrounded by the furry pets that we shared over the years and I know that I can only imagine the amount of dog hair I will have to deal with when I arrive! Peace to you and your family. Cheryl

Nats and Mary thankyou for the quotes. There are so many inspirational words of wisdom out there! I now have a collection printed out to review whenever I feel blue or discouraged.

Wow Earl thanks for researching the author! I had not heard the entire writing. I love the words. I was extremely close to my husband. We always called ourselves lucky because our life together was so effortless. One of the only things that brings me comfort is knowing that we will see each other again and will be able to spend eternity together. I have struggled lately with how to incorporate the memories into my everyday life and not become stuck in the past or yearn for what I can not have. I am almost 47 and I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I hope to find a way to keep my husband alive and also love someone else. It is difficult to imagine. But the words that Holland wrote help clarify that nothing has to change. What we had will always be what it was. The relationship that we shared can not be forgotten or changed. It will always be us. No matter what happens in my life. Who I share it with or who I evolve into. We will be as we have always been and no one can take that away from us. How sacred.

Hi Mary, I got an email through griefshare this morning and part of what it said reminded me that by grieving I am healing. I am so glad that you are able to face this weekend and travel through these painful emotions and memories. Here is the qoute. "Each time one of these emotions comes flooding back it is a sign that you are recovering" Congratulations at being able to feel and heal. You are making great progress. Hugs! Cheryl

Nats, You shared your qoute wth us once before and it caught my eye. I printed it and read it often when I am wondering if I will make it through this journey. I will NOT jump into the pit, but will fill the awful whole with happy memories, and I will survive! Thanks for sharing it again. Here is a qoute that I probably got from someone elses post. I loved it so much that I printed it and had it framed. The frame sits next to the candles that I light each night and a picture of Mark and I laughing on the beach in mexico. It helps remind me that my life here is brief compared to the eternity that lies ahead. "One brief moment and it will be as it was before. How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting,when we meet again." Hang in there everyone! Cheryl

Holy Moly Chrissie 109 pounds! You are obviously very motivated and strong willed. You must be very proud of yourself! I can only imagine how healthy you must now feel. Congratulations! -cheryl

I can host a barbeque as well, plus I have a great fire pit to sit by and roast marshmellows. Not a lot of guest room inside, but lots of space outside for a party. When my sister came out last year we did alot of hiking, farmers markets ect... We can shuttle between our two homes Chrissie! I bet daveS and brianAZ would man the barbeque, I think they are both in arizona as well?

That would be so much fun. Keep in touch!

My house, 10 minutes from the phx airport, is always open for visitors!

I have some positives to report. After every weekend I call a co worker in California to chat while I drive. He always asks how my weekend was and as you can imagine I often report that I got through another one and made it to Monday. This weekend was different. On Friday afternoon it included all the usual vaccumming, mopping, bathroom scrubbing, laundry and kitchen chores. Followed by pool and patio maintenance and a quick shower which left me just enough time to meet a friend to go to a comedy club and dinner. By 6:30pm I was sipping on a draft blue moon with a slice of orange and listiening to live music with a group of people I had never met before, and it felt good! Instead of the usual uncomfortable feeligs of being a pink elephant, I actually started up conversations, intoduced myself and laughed at the comedy show. Then on Saturday, since all my chores were done, I spent the majority of the day reading O magazine by the pool and learning how to trust my intuition. Followed by Sunday which included dorm room shopping with my daughter, lunch out and taking my kids and a neighbor couple out to see Cowboys and Aliens. The best part of the whole weekend is that on Monday when my friend asked, "What did you do this weekend?" I felt like none of the activities were forced. The whole weekend was fast paced but it didn't feel like I was just filling up time or trying to escape. woohoo! I think this is what life is going to start feeling like? It's kinda freaking me out. I think all this so called grief work may be paying off. Each time I recognize the changes in myself I'm shocked. I know my last several posts have all said pretty much the same thing. I'm feeling consistently better, which I am not used to feeling. The last two years have been nothing but crying and it feels so weird to not be crying all the time. Even weirder to be enjoying time out, and time alone. My daughter leaves in two weeks for college. I know we will have a great time moving her to Seattle, followed by tears and the feeling of losing another part of myself and my life. But I feel like I can handle it now. She has told me how scared she is to leave home and make new friends, start a new independent life without the comfortable security of family around her. I feel the same way, but I feel like we will both be stretching our wings in a new positive way. So once again today I am feeling pretty positive. I hope everyones week will be gentle and peaceful! Cheryl

Last night I went back to our family support group. They break for the summer and it has been 10 weeks since we last saw one another. It was so much different than last August when I came back. Last year I was approaching the one year mark of my husbands death and I was still in the depths of despair, dissappointment, longing for him, constantly crying, unable to focus, struggling to go to work, struggling to take care of my kids, violent nightmares, barely eating, consumed with guilt, financialy scared out of my mind, angry at all the couples, angry at god, and absolutely exhausted at trying to find a way out of the pain. I must say that this year I realized that I felt peaceful. I feel like the crazy bipolor emotions are gone. I don't know if that makes sense or not. But at the one year mark I was so lost and confused and my emotions were on a constant roller coaster. I felt like I was stuck in hell, a crazy person. I often described my grief as feeling mentaly insane. If one more person told me to be patient and rest and eat I think I would have exploded. But this year as I sat there listening and sharing I realized how much better I felt. I can't say that I am feeling Tony the Tiger great! But I can say that I am not anxious. I am not thinking about Mark's death 24 hrs a day, I am able to set goals, I can be with friends and not feel like everyone is uncomfortable around me. I am so hopeful that the worst of this nightmare is behind me and that perhaps the three steps forward sixteen steps backwards will be more like 10 steps forward one step back. I'm almost afraid to feel good. I'm afraid it might stop or I might slip back and I don't think I could go back to those horrible days and survive them again. I feel like I am coming out of a pitch dark forest and the sunlight is blinding me. The meadow is too large, too green, too wide open. Sitting here at the edge of the forest and the meadow I feel like I need to be careful. I'm still scared that I can't make it through life without my guy holding my hand and yet I know I have to take those steps alone. Well, now I've managed to overwhelm myself again. I wish there was an easier path. Cheryl

HI Dave, I understand exactly how you feel. I have felt many days like that. The pain is so awful and overwhelming, almost unbearable. I would give a year of my life for just ONE more day with Mark. One year would be easy to give away, in fact in many ways I have already given away the last two years to grief. I never got to say goodbye. Somedays I am still shocked that he is really gone and find myself asking over and over if only ..... I hope tomorrow is easier. cheryl

On another note about my vacation. On the flight back I couldn't help but notice the people sitting around me. One row back an older couple were trying to switch there seats around so they could sit together. It took a couple minutes but they worked it out with the people around them. She was over weight and kind of frumpy, he was balding and disheveled. Once seated together they were laughing and having such a good time. I glanced back later and she was holding his hand. Arms linked together, head on his shoulder, watching a movie on their Ipad. They looked so happy. The women next to me kept commenting that she thought her family should have been grouped together on the flight. She was flying with two teenage girls and her husband. The flight attendent told her she could try to switch with someone to get closer. But she was miffed and buried her head in a book. I couldn't help but notice that no one in her family came back to her seat to chat or check on her. Neither did she ever make a motion to do the same. Which reminded me of all the flights Mark and I took together. We always had our movies loaded onto a DVD player to watch. Usually we would get Sex in the City since we would be traveling without kids and could watch all the episodes for the year without little ears and eyes. Once he was upgraded to first class and he felt so guilty leaving me that he kept sending back all the free food and drinks to me! Then he wanted to switch seats half way through the flight. I guess seeing the two different marriages helped me ralize how blessed I was and at the same time I wanted to shake the women next to me and tell her to stop waiting for them to come to her and go to them!

It's funny all the things you learn when you are forced to. Soon after my husband died the sprinkler heads stopped moving, so I dug up the heads and took it too Sprinkler World and got a crash course on hunter head installation and ajustments. Then a little valve on the pool pump broke so I heated a screw driver up with a blow torch and stuck it into the plastic fitting and backed it out of the hole. (I remembered seeing Mark do it once on a sprikler pipe). When I ran over a water pipe with the lawn mower and broke it off the water shot up 6 feet in the air. It took me a while but I finally found the water main shut off and learned how to cap the PVC with a new fitting. When my daughter needed a new desk we went to IKEA and then spent hours trying to put the damn thing together. She was very frustrated that I kept insisting that we put elmers glue in all the little holes for the wood pegs even thought the directions didn't say so. But I kept hearing my husbands voice telling me that it would make it stronger! When we went to grandmas cabin my son and I couldn't get the quad started, I remembered all the times my husband would drag it up the hill and pop the clutch to get it started. Guess what it worked! But the hardest thing was trying to pick out which fishing tackle we needed when we went on our first vacation after Mark died. I spent hours going through the tackle trying to remember which were jigs and which were lures. I finally googled the supply list on images and printed the pictures taking them with me to the shop to pack our tackle. I packed the light weight rod and the crazy tackle and attemtped fishing from the shore but I couldn't get the lures tied on right. LOL . I think the best parts of me are because of my husband. Because of who he was I am who I am. After 20 years together we could read each others mind. I think about all the things I learned and didn't even know I was learning, just watching. I am thankful that I kept bringing him those cold beers. But I have survived mostly by the help of dear neighbors. Everytime I can't get the truck started or question whether something should be replaced or fixed they have been there to guide me. It has taken me a while to realize how much it has helped them grieve the loss of my husband by allowing them to help me with projects. They have been so anxious to help make things easier for us and by allowing them to help me it has allowed them to feel better as well. Best of luck to all of usas our lists grow longer!

I took the last week off and spent it with my kids in Akumal Mexico, which is about two hours south of Cancun. First I'd like to let both Kay and Dwayne know that I am praying for there healing. It is difficult enough to struggle with death and life alone without having health issues but I know that your perseverance will get you through this difficult time once again. Please know that your gentle support to all of us has gotten me through many dark days and I admire your drive to just keep pushing along. This was our second vacation since Mark died. This year I booked a week at an all inclusive resort that had a ton of on site activities and all we had to do was show up and start relaxing. We had a great time and we needed the escape. My two teens slept in every morning until at least 10:00 am, which left me with three hours of solid alone time on the beach. I didn't think it would be as hard as it turned out to be. My husband loved to see knew places and both being type A personalities, we would spend all our time exploring and planning activities for each trip. Whether it was deep sea fishing, quad riding or snorkeling we were never the couple sittig in the cabana with a good book. Needless to say my mornings on this trip were bitter sweet. After double expressos I spent the first several mornings looking for turtle nests and actually was lucky enough to find fresh tracks and a new nest. I giant iguana popped out of a bush and scared me to death and it looked like it had been trying to dig up the freshly lain eggs. I kept thinking about how excited Mark would have been to share in the experience, and was dissappointed that I needed to sit and cry once again. It's frustrating to have grief follow you everywhere. I felt so blessed to be in such a beautiful place and I didn't want to feel anything but peace and gratitude. I am always so torn with my emotions. I really just wanted to sit and be happy in the sand. But like all of you understand there are many, many times through this journey that we have no control over the pain and loss. One advantage of an all inclusive resort are the distractions. We used the peddle boats to venture out into the ocean and we brought our own snorkel gear to explore the reefs. The food was awesome and drinks were free. Whenever the kids were hungry I din't have to cook or even make a reservation. You could eat burgers and fries at the beach bar or head up to one of the restraunts for a buffet. The chef cooked up a seafood paella right in the sand and I drank enough coronas with lime to appreciate the chaise lounge under the palapa. As a tribute to Mark I planned a day trip to an underground cenote where I not only jumped off a cliff into the water below but actually climbed a tree next to the cliff and jumped into the water as well. My kids took a video and are threatening to post it on U-tube. I never would have jumped out of the tree if Mark was alive. But one of the blessing I have found is that I am more daring with him gone. I think it's because I know he would have done it when the kids dared him and they need me to do it now. So what did I learn after 7 days in the Mexican Riviera? I learned that I must keep living life. I must keep trying new things. I must be both mom and dad to my kids. I must sit and cry and get back up again and jump off the next cliff into the cool waters below. I am coming home 5 pounds heavier and determined to set new goals. Goals that a year ago would have been impossible to imagine. I am making a list of new firsts that I want to patiently start accomplishing. I am finally accepting that I can not plan out the end of this grief journey and it is too depressing to except that I will be sad forever. I will not fight the sadness but I will not giveup on the idea that one day happiness will be the stonger emotion in my life again. We got back at midnight last night and school starts tomorrow here in Arizona. So needless to say today will be overwhelming. There are suitcases to unpack and school clothes and backpacks to get ready. But I am feeling better and stronger than when I left and I hope and pray for all of us that we can be patient and undertanding with ourselves. Thanks for always being there to share the journey with. Cheryl

We are all thinking about you today and praying for your fast recovery. Hugs! Cheryl

Pam, The pain of grief is nothing like anything else and we all understand it's depth and harshness. I hope today is a bit easier. Hang in there and remember that sometimes we have to take things minute by minute. Try to rest as often as you can allow yourself. I'm so sorry your husband died. cheryl

Thanks for all the support and happiness. I am currently feeling like I am riding the crest of a wave. My hope is that I can stay there for a while. I'm picturing myself on a boogie board paddling like hell to stay on top of the surf! Then I think about how all waves crash onto the shore. But my second thought is that sometimes the boogie board glides to a nice easy stop onto the sandy beach. I'm hoping that is me! But if not, I'll pick up the boogie board and go back out for another wave. Eventually I'll get the hang of it. Happy friday and a peaceful weekend to all of you.