Cheryl

Mary I get it and you are not alone. I often felt just as you expressed and I'm glad you reallize it's okay. It is a very lonely and sad state that we have to endure in order to make progress. Perseverence and time will shed new light on the situationa and this will have been but another bridge to cross. Wishing you peace.

Today my son and I volunteered for the "Welcome to America Project". We delivered and set up two households for families that have just arrived from refugee camps in Somalia and Burma. These people have nothing and it was very rewarding to see there faces light up when we started to hang pictures and fill cupboards with dishes. I almost decided not to go and now that I have I'm feeling so greatful for my home, my job, my neighbors, my citizenship and my family. Often grief is so all consuming that it is difficult to see the positives. I am seeing alot of positives today. I heard a qoute recently that a survivor of child abuse gave about overcoming the pain of her childhood and begining to live a healthy life. After several years of counseling her therapist told her it was time for her to quit there weekly sessions. She said, "Dear you have done the work necessary to understand what you need to do. Remember, the worst is behind you, now go live your life." I have found that the confusion I felt for so long, the pain that came in continual waves and the fear of what am I supposed to do now, have changed. I feel more in control of my emotions, my pain and my future. I still struggle with how to adapt but I know that for me the worst is behind me and I just need to remember to keep living my life. I need to use my intuition and life experiences to guide me. I also think that I need to practise living a more spiritualy guided life. I'm not talking about religion. I'm talking about trying to be in better tune with my inner self, my own needs. There is a higher power or inner whispering that helps us be what we want to be and accomplish what we desire most. It abides in each of us and because it is within us we are the only ones who can decide how to use it. After so many years of being a part of we I need to get in better contact with me. It's been eye opening lately becuase I'm doing things that used to make me uncomfortable and for the most part it feels okay. I'm not sure my life will ever be easy again but I realize that I have the power within me to feel better if only I can get acquainted with it. My prayer for myself and for each of us is not too feel so sad or alone now that we are without our mates. It is still my greatest struggle and causes me the most pain each and every day. Cheryl

Please send your prayers to Dave in AZ. He has had a very rough day. I don't think he would mind if I asked for all your love and support. Thinking of you and Ed and wishing you strength and perseverence. Hugs!

Last week while walking through Homedepot a man told me to remember to smile. I was pretty crushed since I didn't realize that I wasn't smiling. Since then I have made a real effort to smile and make eye contact in public. This evening I was walking out of the grocery store and a woman on her cell phone made eye contact. I smiled, and she instantly pulled back the phone and said "I just have to tell you, you are a really beautiful woman!" Then she went back to talking. I was stunned to say the least. Thanked her, got in the car and burst into tears. Strangers rarely if ever talk to me, they never compliment me. It made my whole day. I sat in the car and thought boy I must have needed the compliment. It really made me feel special. I am torn with feeling super needy. A women stranger makes a comment and I burst into tears? but greatful that someone cared and took the time to see the effort I was making to be apart of the world. My daughter told me that I should take it as a sign and pay it forward. Will do.

If I hear his voice my heart might shatter. I don't dare listen to anything with him on it. Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! too painful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HI Melina, I've been reading alot about intuition. Selling a home and starting a new life really needs thought and a plan. You've been through enough you don't want to feel another loss of control in your life. Use your gut instinct and take it slow. You are taking the right steps by researching. You're right there are a lot more steps involved than just selling. You should probably contact a financial institution and find out if you can be preapproved for a loan. Is there enough after fees to buy something more manageable? If you plan on buying again you'll want to feel like you have some choices. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are going to feel compromised. If you're at a point where you might lose the home to foreclosure then time may warrant a faster pace. Either way I would find a realator who is willing to listen to your concerns and not pressure you.

I was able to get my son into a High School with a huge waiting list. I had to step out of my comfort zone and make important decisions that in the past would have been made as a couple. But I thought it through, made the decision without second guessing myself, and got it done. Thinking outside the box paid off and I can see my husband telling me, "I knew you would figure out a way." But it is still so hard.

Melina, The first year was horrifying, I don't really remember much other than pain. The second year I felt like I could make a new start and was really disappointed when the pain wasn't gone or even much diminished. Infact in most ways the pain was worse since it came in waves and would blindside me. At least the first year it was constant and I didn't have to feel like I was starting over all the time. The lonliness was just as hard as the pain. I was frustrated the second year by what I thought was a lack of progress. I could not understand why I wasn't feeling much relief. My therapist kept telling me I was expecting too much and needed to give myself a break from all the expectations. She also told me that I needed to except the pain as part of my progress and to stop looking at it as a failure each time it returned. I kept trying to tell her that I just couldn't stand it anymore and something needed to change! She kept telling me that things were changing that I was making progress but that it wasn't at the pace that I wanted. She suggested that I try to except what ever I was feeling without judging myself or trying to fix it. I tried to lean more into the waves of pain and really tried to stop pushing it away. I spent a lot more time alone and in bed! In a way it felt like giving in and resting. But the lonliness was begining to drive me mad. Stepping out of my comfort zone to try anything was just too hard and I felt too miserable to really try new things anyways. But I slowly tried new things just to fill the time. Plus I couldn't lay around anymore and be sad. I thought I might as well walk around and be sad. It seems like trying new things away from the house helped the most. Since it broke up the pacing from room to room and even if I wasn't talking to people or doing things with people,just being in a crowd seemed to stimulate me a little. I went to the mall, sat in church in the back. Walked the trails around the park. I also found that the new exercise helped ease the pain and kept me distracted from the lonliness. I didn't feel a whole lot of changes but I think it was helping me none the less. I am 6 months into year three and I am finally less lonely. I'm not sure what happened but something finally shifted and the waves of pain are less often and they are not all consuming. I still cry almost everyday but I've stopped feeliing discouraged about it. I've been able to feel less anxious about what I'm supposed to do or feel. I really think that time has been the biggest factor in the change. I won't say that I'm not lonely but I am less lonely. Reading your posts feels like a reflection of everything I have also felt. I guess I just want you to know that to me you seem normal in your progress. I have a feeling that with time you'll find things that help ease the lonliness. I wish I had the magic pill for all of us to take to make this end. Hang in ther Melina!

Happy Birthday to you! Eat something yummy and spoil yourself. cheryl

Becky, I want to asure you that it can continue to get easier. There is recovery from grief. Recovery from grief does not mean that we feel the same as we once did married. But it can mean that we find new strength and positive changes in ourselves. Look at all the people in the world who have overcome tremendous hardship and not only survived but excelled. Our identities were tied to loving and caring for our spouses and now we are left feeling incomplete. I am finding that after two and half yrs I am begining to figure out who I am and who I want to become. I realize that my husbands death has enabled me to understand myself and life in a way that never would have happened if he were still alive. I am becoming more confident, understanding and at peace. The raging pain and horror of our loss as a family is giving way to new beginings and small victories. Before Mark died I never thought about going out with girl friends or working out at the gym or getting my nails done. Each time I force myself to do something with just me in mind I find a bit of myself. Sometimes the things I do don't work out and I don't do them anymore, but I keep searching for new things that make me feel better. I say better instead of happy because better is all I have been able to feel. But better is so much nicer that the screaming in my head that I felt for the first year and nicer than the fear I felt the second year not knowing who I was anymore. I feel that recovering from grief is a choice. It takes time, patience and perseverence. Backwards, forwards, backwards forwards. A spiral staircase, going up and down. A wave pounding the shores. The descriptions of our loss and the emotion and pain can be described in many ways. Thirty months of being alone seems like an eternity but when I step back and see where I have come from to where I am now I know that it's possible to recover from this. Reading your posts I see your progress and it's huge! At ten months I think I was still curled up in a ball on the floor and screaming in the shower! I have this quote by my computer. "When we are drawn away from ourselves too much we tend to loose ground". I have started yoga and meditation to try and keep myself focused on relaxing and thinking about what I want from my life. I have started working out on the machines in the gym to get rid of the excess energy. I am going to church again and volunteering again. I'm refering to what I'm doing because just reading about grief and understanding about grief isn't going to heal us. At some point when the pain is more tolerable we begin to take baby steps back into the world. Only we can decide when we are ready to begin. There are periods of time where I find I need to just rest myself and stay where I am and then I begin to take those steps again. It can seem agonizingly slow! We are the only ones who can fix ourselves. We can't fix our spouses death. But we can make choices that help us to heal. Take care and I pray for continued peace for all of us, Cheryl

Dear Dave, Thank you for your kind words. I feel blessed to have crossed your path. Who would have thought that day of loss would impact us both through our grief journeys! Such a small world and yet living in such a large city it does seem odd the events unfolded in such a way that we were able to connect. Was it God or coincidence? I'd like to believe that all things have a reason and purpose. No one could save my husband that day but I'm willing to bet that through his death many wonderful things will happen. Lives will be changed and for me a new found strength and resilense to worldly problems is inevitable. I am becoming a new person a better person. I too never thought my life would take this ugly road at such a young age. Mark and Mike were so young and had so much more to contribute! The shock for us both is sad and often dibilitating. But like you I have begun to reshape and anticipate a new future. I am so glad the 7 month anniversary was more peaceful for you. You deserve a rest from the pain and sadness. Hang in there! cheryl

I watched this hour long documentary this morning on PBS. It helped me understand how lucky we are to live in this country but also reinforced how widows all around the world share common feelings and emotions. We are truly not alone in our pain. I hope the link below works! This is the struggle of 8 widows in Isreal who are trying to rebuild there lives in a culture where widows are oppressed amd treated as damaged goods. Enjoy, Cheryl http://www.snagfilms.com/films/title/pickles_inc#.TrmmY_3T0f4.email

Dear nobodys sweetie, I am so sorry that your husband is dieing. I can only imagine what it must be like to know that he will be gone soon. Watching him change and knowing that your time is limited must be very overwhelming. Having to deal with your mothers illness on top of your husbands seems downright cruel. I can tell that you are suffering and that the pain must be overwhelming at times. Let alone the responsibilities you are carrying. I encourage you to try and find one person you can confide in and rely on for some strength. One of the hardest things I had to learn was how and when to ask for help. I also encourge you to find sometime for yourself. A manicure and pedicure every week got me throught the first few months after my husband died. No one there knew my suffering but the physical contact helped sooth my troubled heart. My husband died in an accident and was 49 years old. I did not have to watch him die. He left the house one day and hours later I was told he was dead. In one brief instant my life was shattered. I had never felt any extreme level of emotional pain until he died. I had been lucky in life and never had tragedy. I have found that very few people know how to handle death, dieing or the pain of grief. They don't know what to say or what to do and so they often do nothing. When my husband died my mother did not come to me. She chose to let my siblings help me because seeing me sad was too painful for her. She is still full of excuses. I don't understand why she was unable to just hug me or hold me or listen to me. When my father died four years prior to my husband I spent every waking moment by her side. When I had to leave to come home I called her twice a day. We shared so many tears and I thought of all the people who could relate to me it would have been her. I have come to understand that she is very weak and it is easier for her to ignore pain than allow herself to feel pain. She will never learn anything from her grief. I am now in my third year since Mark's death and I am in the true learning phase. I often feel like a growing teenager having to make my way in an adult world. My life was so entertwined with my husbands that I am having to relearn independence. But I am becoming an incredibly strong and resilent person. I am so sorry that you are faced with this journey. The work is long and hard. It is often difficult for me to write to others on this site because it forces me to focus on pain and sadness and it is so very hard to express how much I care. I read the posts almost everyday as a way of coping. It helps me to know that I am not the only one suffering and struggling with death and change. But I know you need to feel encouragement and I know that you need to know that you are not alone. You are not alone. There are so many others who have walked in your shoes and I hope they find the strength to reach out to you as well. Please come here often, if for no other reason than to release some of the pain. Hang in there. I really do care. Cheryl

I understand your pain Mary. I sold our camper and boat after Mark died. I knew they would rot in the AZ sun and I couldn't see myself able to use either one without Mark's help. Very sad emotional days. A few weeks ago I tore down our salt water fish tank and gave the fish away. It wa a 75 gallon tank and a lot of work to maintain. We both loved it and i was always the one to take care of it. But after two years of keeping it looking good just for me I relaized it no longer brought me joy but another chore. Today my son and I took the tank out to my husbands shop and placed the tank in the rafters. I just stood their and cried. Looking at all the cool stuff he had placed up there. SO many memories in the rafters. All our years together. Amy's little rocking chair, a food dehydrator, his old roller skates from high school. I am the only one who knows the stories behind the items and it pains me to such great length to know that it has all ended. I am still shocked that I stand here in this house at 47 years old, a widow.

HI Mary, Love the picture! As for dating, I think I'm reaady but no one has asked me out yet and I think that I would have to feel some type of physical attraction to even except a date. So far I have met nice men but not dateable men! Hope that makes sense!

Today would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. Our honeymoon was in Loreto Mexico on the Baja. We flew onto a small dirt runway. We spent 10 days at a small fishing resort. We got up at 4:00am to jig for our own bait by moonlight on the bay and then the boat captain took us at dawn to top water fish for Tuna and Dorado. The chef at the resort cooked our fresh fish each night and we exchanged fishing stories at the bar. We snorkled on our own private island were we napped under a palapa roof and ate a small boxed lunch. Simple bean burritos and fresh fruit with a cold cervesa. Hours later the boat picked us up and 1/2 way back we found a school of over a hundred dolphin. I have still never witnessed such beauty again. The chop of the water the spray of the sea and absolute pure joy. We were lucky, we lived life large and at full tilt. We never forgot that the other was the most important person in our life. We each would have given anything to make the other happy. We loved our children but our marraige always came first. I miss you Marky. You were my world and I needed you more than you could have ever known. Please prepare a place for us. Love Cheryl

Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I will have to agree with Becky that this grief thing is very individual. It sounds like my definition of controling grief is very different from Nats definition. I think of trying to control grief as a way of trying to avoid grief, forgeting about it, pushing it out of your mind and not allowing the feeling. But I can see that Nats uses the word control as a way of deciding how to handle his grief, which for him is in a positive reframing of emotions. Sound right Nats? I have felt very little control of anything in my life since my husbands death. Infact I think the one thing I have learned is that I may think that I am in control but the reality is most of the time everything is out of my ability to control. I do believe that we all have choices and those choices can lead us into deeper despair or through the despair and out into a new life. A life of growth because of what we have allowed ourselves to feel and learn from. I caution our newbies that you need to sit with your pain and learn about your pain before you can take charge of "controling" your pain. It sounds like we are all on the same page about moving forward and trying to rebuild our lives into something positive!!!Hooray for us!

Nats, You say you have learned to "control" your grief. What does this control look like? From everything I have read and from what grief counselors tell us, if we try to "control" our feelings of grief they will just come back later to be dealt with. Do you not allow your self to feel the pain by spending time with Ruth instead? I am confused by what you are trying to say. Sorry can you clarify?

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I live in PHX and there is a sopport group that meets in Tempe that you might want to check out. They meet every tuesday night. You will find info at www.meetup.com/Widowed-To-Widowed-Support-Group. This is a very active group in that they meet weekly, offer phone support and occasionally get together for dinner. Everyone there understands the loss of s spouse and there is so much strength in numbers. I try to attend at tleast twice a month and it really helps! Hang in there. Cheryl

Best of luck Kay! I hope this is the one!!Cheryl

Welcome Janine, I hope that reading and sharing with us will bring you some clarity and peace. I have learned so much this past two years since my husband died.This site has helped me along the way. Please know that we all understand the emotions you will be going through and want to be a listening ear when you feel lost or alone. There is something to be said about strength in numbers. Cheryl

Grief is not going to allow you to follow steps and finish. It is like a spiral staircase and you will continue to go around and around sometimes upward and somtimes down. Do not look at your pain as a weakness that needs to be surpressed or changed. It is what it is and you need to feel the pain as a way to get through the pain. Denying yourself the tears, sadness and feelings will only allow the pain to build and eventually will be more difficult to handle. Lean into what ever you are feeling. Sadness, anger, joy, relief, pity,horror, fear, ect... you will need to repeat the emotions over and over and over. Each time it will be weakened just a little and the process of learning to live with your loss begins.

Dave, We grew over a million roses this year! I have two diffrent colors of yellow arriving on friday. I'll have a delivery truck in Surprise and Buckeye which is closer to you and will friday work? I thought I could have you pick them up when we are delivering to one of the retailers in the area. I'm glad to be able to bring some happiness to your weekend. Cheryl