Cheryl

I have a new milestone to share. It has been 23 months since Mark died and I just realized this morning that yesterday I didn't shed a single tear. It wasn't a goal of mine, I learned early that holding back my emotions caused me greater anxiety. To not cry at all and not even realize it feels huge. My very first day without crying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought it would never happen. Today I've cried twice and it isn't even noon yet. But that's okay at least I know that I am capable of days without tears. :) Cheryl

Pjm, You have gone through so much, it's no wonder that you are feeling overwhelmed. I think your feelings are normal and I want to encourage you to find a physical support group to attend. I am sure this site has helped, but it is important to surround yourself with positives and it sounds like your mother is not able to be that person. Living with someone who is unable bring you strength must be wearing you out. Spending time with others who have similar experiences will allow you to rebuild the motivation it takes to start over. Our identities are destroyed when our partners die. I am atteneding a new support group and our members range in age from 30-75, men and women, gay and straight, with kids and no kids, unemployed, working and retired. We range from 4 months to 5 years out in our losses. But we all univerally understand the tears, the fears and the lonliness. I can't begin to tell you how helpful it is to hear and see people that feel just like me. We all lift each other with advice, listening, life experiences and caring. It also feels good to get out of the house! I don't know enough about your situatin or location but if a support group is an option give it a try. Hang in there. Cheryl

We were just discussing this very topic last night in our support group. How buried we all feel with tryig to keep our heads above water and then having to laugh in order not to cry. We heard many senarios from the group but I think you'rs in the best! Stay cool! Cheryl

Hi Marc, Wishing you some peace and many fond memories of your life together. I hope it feels better to have the first year under your belt. We all understand your pain and only hope that our encourageent and support makes it a bit easier. Hang in there! Cheryl

Hi Dwayne, Just a few months after Mark died I had two have my wisdom teeth removed. I was so stressed out that I elected to be put under anesthesia. I was so used to Mark's support and had never gone through anything without him by my side. I questioned if I would make it to the actual day. Needless to say it was much better than I expected. Last month I needed to have a hernia in my groin area repaired. It has been almost two years since Mark died and I handeled it emotionally 100% better. Everyone was shocked at how calm I was. Joking around ect... I finally told my family that after going through the pain of the last two years of missing Mark this was a cake walk. They were a little taken back by my bluntness. Plus I added, I'm not afraid to die anymore, I would be with Mark again and although the timing doesn't seem right, I would be okay with it. I have done everything alone for two years and there is very little that I can't face these days. I am a different person than I was just two months after his death. This last surgery was one of the times when I realized how far down the path I have come. You have already had the worst thing happen to you,loosing your wife. I know this surgery will open many doors for you and allow you to begin to heal both emotionaly and physically. You more than anyone know that being a slave to illness is very hard. We will all be here sendng out our good vibes and prayers! Cheryl

Hoping that you were able to feel peace and love today. Best wishes on this hard day. Cheryl

Mary, You are stronger than you realize. You amaze me with all that you are doing in the face of such grief and mourning. You are running circles around us younger folk! But Mary now you are run down, tired and sick...... and your husband died. Of course the grief is feeling worse than usual. Enjoy the soup, take the time to cry alot and rest. Grief is taking it's toll and it's time to give in. I have to tell you that I can relate to your feelings about year 2. I was so relieved that I had made it through year one. All those firsts were over. But year number two has been hard in a different way. Instead of surviving you have to figure out what the hell to do with your life! There are times when I wished I could still be numb and just wait for the next day. But by year number two you know that it's time to figure out something. I am one month away from finishing year 2. Sick of crying, tired of grieving and still missing my guy. But I have seen big changes in the last 3-4 months. I actually have a list of things that I want to do these next 12 months. Last year at this time I didn't have a clue. I still have grief waves and somtimes I swear they are worse than ever and I think this is becuase they come less frequently. I call them my crazy days. I recently had an entire day when I didn't get out of bed, except to pee and cook for the kids. I'm kinda proud that I can give into the pain enough to not do a damn thing. Please know that you are right where you need to be in grief. You are trying so hard to do the work and it is paying off. Just not as fast or as clearly as you'd like. Remind yourself of the things you are doing. The journaling, the reading, the crying, the rituals of grief. Go back and read what you have written. You will be amazed at how far you have come. (((((Hugs to you!!!))))) Cheryl

HI Dwayne, Thanks for all you do. People in general hate to see pain and feel helpless when they know they can not fix it. If they have not been apart of your wifes long illness they are further unprepared to start over with you. I found that much of the inital support I had drifted away. The best advice I have is to embrace the friendships that have stuck by you and reach out to anyone who may need a new friend. Once your health returns you will be able to explore new opportunities. I found that going to church at least got me out of my home and I didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't feel like it. I would listen to the uplifting music and always was encouraged by the pastors words. The lonliness of solitude can be very depressing. Just remember that it is okay to do only what you feel capable of doing and in time, with hard work, life without our mate gradually gets easier. I pray that your recovery is swift! Cheryl

Thank you for all of the replies. I managed to distract myself with grocery shopping and washing Mark's bird pooped covered truck. I've given it a lot of thought and I realize that hearing my friends problems reinforced that what I once had is over. I have not gotten to the point where I happily reflect on how wonderful we had it. I am still grieving and mourning the unhappy ending. It is what it is. I have read a lot about the grief process and I am reassured that some day I will be able to sit and smile and be happy with what once was. But until that day arrives I will bravely confront the pain that seems to crush my spirit. Grief waves are not as constant as they were a year ago and for that I am grateful. I usually get days of progress rather tham hours. I appreciate the support! Cheryl

I have been a mess for the last hour. I got a call from a fiend who after 19 years with a guy just found out that he emptied her checking account and left town. This friend has always had a hard life and things have gone from bad to terrible lately. Of course there is a long sad story of emotional abuse that has gone on for years, but the bottom line is that she deserved to be treated better. I helped her come up with a game plan to get her back on her feet and listened to the tears. This relationship is over and she is devastated. I've been an emotional mess since we hung up. I keep thinking how blessed I was to have had such a great guy. My guy would have given the shirt off his back to a total stranger and yet her guy took everything she had with out even feeling bad. I feel overwhelmingly grateful and yet I also feel like I'm having an anxiety attack. I've been sobbing and pacing the house. I can't figure out why this is effecting me so much. My soulmate would have thrown himself in front of a moving train for me and I can't get over how different the last 19 years have been for my friend. Both of us are starting over and on our own, but I can't imagine what it feels like to be treated so horrbily. She said, "you can probably undestand how I feel?" but you know I really couldn't. I am just sitting here feeling like I lost my guy all over again. How could he leave me? Yet I know it wasn't his choice. I'm just overwhelmed with grief and sadness again. Cheryl

Hi Stacy, I am sorry that you have lost so many people in a short amount of time. It must be very difficult to sort out all the feelings and losses. There are often things that trigger my grief. I will watch a show or hear a song or see somthing along the street which will make me remember what I once had and now have lost. It is not a good thing to grieve alone. It would help if you could find someone who will just listen to you without giving advice or trying to stop you from feeling. I have been told that the best way to get through the pain is to allow yourself to feel the pain. To tell yourself what it is that is making you sad. To talk about or write about the things you have lost and the way it effects you. I think you will find that it will have to be repeated many times, over and over you will have to feel the pain in order for it to be weakened. It's not that people don't care about your pain, it's that they don't understand what you are feeling and they want you to be happy. They think that if you don't think about it, it will go away. The pain will not go away until you allow yourself to feel the pain over and over. You have fears about people dieing because it makes you sad each time and you don't like that feeling. But living always results in dieing. Nothing lasts forever and things are always changing. This is the cycle of life. I can't tell you how things work but I can tell you that you are not alone in your fears and your pain. I have found a lot of support through this website. Be sure to go to several areas on the site to hear the perspectives from all the different people. Regardless of who we lost we all share a common sadness. I hope that you will keep searching for answers and remember that it is okay to be sad and it is okay to cry. Hugs, Cheryl

Hi Krissy, I have lost my father and my husband. I live in phx and see a grief therapist in scottsdale. Her name is Rachel Thomas. She specializes in grief counseling and marraige/family therapy. She has been a big help to me.

I am Blessed. 1. Mark loved me more than anything in the world and always showed me. 2. Mark taught me all about 4 wheel drive, riding a quad and digging a truck out of deep sand. All with a smile and cold beer in hand. 3. Mark liked it when I helped him with projects and he took the time to share his wisdom. Now I have the confidence to try to fix just about anything. 4. Mark shared his values everyday with our kids and now they understand what hard work and helping others really means. 5. Mark treated me with such respect and love that I know my daughter will never settle for a man that isn't just like him. 6. Mark gave me the two greatest gifts, Amy and Larry. Now I will never have to be alone. 7. Mark cried about everything important or not important without ever feeling silly. 8. Mark chose me as his soul mate and wife over all the other girls. 9. Mark always figured out a way to make everything okay no matter how bad it seemed. 10. I have been apart of someone and him a part of me, that something extra special, that most never get to feel.

HI Mary, I'm sorry that sunday was rough. But thankyou for sharing the painfulness with us. It really helped me to read that I am not the only one struggling with bad days. I had a really bad day also. I think it was because I was so tired and worn out from all the house and yard cleaning on saturday. When I am tired I am an emotional mess. I didn't even get out of bed on sunday, except to cook for the kids. I sent my daughter to the grocery store and just flipped channels and cried. I really missed my old life and I felt like such a failure, unable to pull it together. I felt guilty that my kids will not have an intact family with a mom and a dad to raise them. It is so hard to have your life plans destroyed. I keep thinking that I should have been able to make that day different. If only I had asked more questions and insisted that we meet for lunch. Just maybe we would still be together. When I decided to read a few posts, your post took my breath away. I felt like I could be writing it. I hate beng blind sided by grief and the steps backward often feel like miles. My therapist told me to except the idea that I was not done mourning my husband and the life we shared. I saw your pain and realized that I am not the only one. thanks, cheryl

Thanks for the info on booking a site. I love camping and really miss it. I haven't been in over two years. cheryl

HI Tammy, I have felt restless this entire past year. What the heck have I been doing with all this time? So many days frozen in sadness. I have also felt like I've wasted so much time trying to figure out what is next, and yet I still don't have a clear picture in my head of what it's going to be. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen, some magic pill to start working. I spent alot of time trying to convince my therapist that I was failing at this grief thing. She has gently pointed out to me that it takes time to adapt and cope, let alone figure out my future. It has been happening without me even realizing it. I still miss him so much that I don't even realize that I'm doing better. I am impatient and just want to be happy again. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm not able to share my life with someone yet. I have felt my happiest years sharing my life with Mark and that hole is huge. The two year date is fast approachig and I am starting to feel more capable of seeing my future. I am able to volunteer now, able to socialize more and I am adapting slowly to being alone. I am starting to feel excited about the changes in store for me. I feel more capable than I did even four weeks ago. I understand how you feel. Cheryl

Yes I have also. I thought it was because I was spending so much time crying in bed! But I found that I was tensing up my muscles due to being anxious and distraught. My widow friend swears that yoga is the key to reducing body stress and pain. I'm trying to get motivated to go to a class with her. I find that sitting in the jacuzzi and drinking wine helps! Cheryl

You are inspiring me! I bought a tent last year after I sold my husbands camper. I was determinded to go camping with my son but the summer got away from us. I'm going to start looking at dates on the calender. I live in phx and always worry about not being able to get into a site. But we used to camp on the forest roads up around Forest Lakes on the Rim. I'm sure I could do it, I just need to make it a plan! thanks! Cheryl

Thankyou Everyone, The day turned out nice. I spent a few hours out by the pool, played with the dogs and drank a couple beers. The neighbors brought over a salad, we had the brats and made the icecream. My daughter dropped by and reminded me that we never had a fourth of July without the icecream maker running. She laughed when I told her I didn't think it was going to turn into icecream and she said, "that's what you always say and it always works!" The berrie pies turned out nice and were perfect to go with the icecream. But I still cried at the end of the night thinking about how much Mark would have enjoyed the company. Thankyou all for your nice words and sharing with me your feelings about the day and the loved ones that we all wish we could be with. cheryl

Thankyou for your inspirational words. I am approaching the two year mark and looking back it is hard to remember that first year. My husband was 49 when he died. It still is a shock to me. So many of the things you said ring true to me also. thankyou for sharing. cheryl

This is my second 4th of July without Mark. I didn't think it would be hard. But every year we would make homemade icecream together with the kids. My son left for Scout Camp this morning and my daughter is house sitting for a friend. The house is quiet and I'm feeling sorry for myself. I have been keeping busy all weekend. Yesterday I made 10 loaves of zuchinni bread. I should probably make 10 more since I have zuchinni coming out my ears! The tomatoes seemed to ripen all at once so I made a big pot of homemade marinara. Today I am going to make two berry pies and I'm watching for neighbors to pull in from there weekend in the mountains. I'm hoping to share brats on the grill and I have all the stuff to make that icecream! But I miss Mark. He should be here. He should be sending Larry off to Scout Camp and he should be sitting with me on the patio enjoying the quiet house without kids. I just can't believe this is my life now. It's so very, very hard.

I think it is perfectly normal to not feel like you fit in. I felt that way for the last year and a half. Just recently, at 22 months, have I begun to feel more comfortable. The important thing is to continue to make the efforts. Pick and choose the events and with each new thing you try you will begin to start forming a new life. It sucks doing it alone but it also sucks to be home all alone. I think the couple events are the worst. I try to make sure I never put myself in that position. I find that each time I try to do something new I first sit and cry. I curse the world for putting me in this position, I curse Mark for leaving me behind and then I suck it up and go. Usually I have a better time than I thought I would. But I must also say that it took a long time for me to even want to be around people. I found myself hibernating in grief, I really needed those months alone. I allowed a few people to visit with me but I think it took almost a year for me to do anything social outside of immediate family. Hang in there I think you are handling everything at your own pace. Cheryl

Di I also can relate to the realization that in order to feel better I need to let go. It is very painful to even think about, let alone do. It is a very gradual process and one I struggle with daily. Letting go of everythig I thought we would get to do together. We will never retire together. We will never walk our daughter down the aisle. We will never see our kids off to college. We won't sit on the patio and sip wine or jet ski on the bay. All the pictures in my head of our future are null and void. It is only me now and I am still shattered by the pain of it. Sometimes I only want to be with him and wonder how I will ever live a full life again. Last week at my grief counselors office I told her that I felt like a failure because I couldn't just think positive. I couldn't live each moment happy for what it was and it seemed like all the people in my support group were doing so much better than me. Why was I still so miserable? She took quite a bit of time having me verbalize my progress. I am doing alot better than I give myself credit, but I am frustrated that it isn't happiness. She reminded me that I am grieving and that is why I am not always able to be happy and positive. I thought I was being held captive by my grief and she suggested that I grieve more! I was horrified. I am sick and tired of crying. I am exhausted by the thoughts and sadness of what will never be. She pointed out that I am keeping busy, doing projects and filling my time so that I don't have to feel the pain. Although we need breaks from grief she also pointed out that the work was not complete and I needed to find additional ways to mourn what I have lost. She said that each time we allow ourselves to feel the pain we loosen the ropes that bind us, we are letting go of what we can no longer have. I left her office pretty pissed off and depressed. But after talking to a friend I think she might be right. My husband died in an accident. One minute our life was normal and the next it was over. Poof, no warning no preperation, no fears of the future. Just over. I don't think this makes it more painful for me but I do think it makes it harder to accept. Anyways, I guess I have to stop beating myself up for not feeling happy and figure out more ways to deal with our loss. I guess that shouldn't include more wine or painting the house! All I know is this grief thing really sucks! cheryl

Great news Kay! I've been catching up on this thread and can't believe your run of bad luck. Hope you can heal fast and get back on your feet. Hang in there!

I have to agree. Cooking for one is just plain sad and depressing, but of course unavaoidable in our situation! I have two teenagers and it does make it a lot easier, as long as I make something they love. One thing that has really helped is a set dinner night with a neighbor. I go to one of my neighbors every thursday night. We switch off on making the main dish. Last night I was the mash potatoes and veggie person. She made meatloaf. The kids were happy to hang out and I got to share a glass of wine with her and her husband. On either saturday or sunday I have another neighbor over. They don't have kids so its nice for them to be a part of our family. We also switch off on making the main dish. Two nights a week I am gauranteed company and I have started to have a lot of fun trying new recipes. At first I thought it was a pity party and resented the offer but now I realize how nice it is to have the companionship. It not only helps me but helps them as well.