Cheryl

Hi sad I'm glad to see that you are coming to the site.I haven't been posting much because it's hard for me to post when I am struggling. But I read the other posts several times a day and they help get me through the day. It is hard when you don't think anyone understands. It's also hard when you think you are all alone with your pain. Sometimes I feel very alone even though I have a lot of support. On the outside I look like I am doing great and I think by most standards I am doing great but that is not how I feel. I feel like I am always caught in a struggle. I think you might understand how I feel? I hope you know you are not as alone as it sometimes seems.

All your hard work and perseverance has paid off. I can only imagine how defeated you have felt. What a wonderful example of courage and patience. I hope you realize that the reason you got this job is because you kept working so hard. Go celebrate!!

I also have been crippled for hours and days by triggers. I have really struggled with my inability to control my radical emotions. It seems like the months after my husbands death I was able to juggle so many horrible things. The selling of his business, the taxes getting caught up, the selling of his boat and camper ect.... It seems like I was juggling so much! Now something as simple as his handwriting scribbled on a notepad will require an hour of wailing, a half bottle of wine and in bed by 9:00 to recover from. I've talked to my counselor and she tells me this is part of the process. But I also am really worn out, angry and sad that despite all my hard work at grieving that it just never ends! But it does help knowing that many of you are feeling similar. Thanks!

Brian thanks for remembering! It was such a lovely night. My daughter made an awesome slide show of her life that we projected onto a sheet hung against the backyard wall. Thre were a lot of tears and afterwards and many people told me how hard it was for them to see Mark on the screen. I was actually fine through the whole thing. I live with Mark being gone everyday and the slide show was a wonderful tribute to our entire family life. I am so proud of Amy for putting it together. We had a tostada bar set up with all the fixins and it was really nice to see so many friends. I have held several neighborhood events since Mark died but it was a little strange having some of our couple friends over that I hadn't seen much of since Mark died. I could tell his high school buddies were having a tough time by the amount of beer they consumed. Anyways it was probably the best time I've had since Mark died and I guess that shows that I am begining to learn how to live life without him. The tears came later when everyone was gone and I thought about how nice it would have been to sit on the patio and talk about our party. Very hard. Cheryl

I often open Mark's bedside table just to smell his cologne. It's always a tear jerker for me, but never the less my soul relaxes for a moment to take in his smell.

Happy Birthday George! Kay loves you and misses you so much. Thankyou for being so special and kind. I feel like I know who you were, even though we never met. HUGS to you Kay!

HI Brian. I had a tough time with Mother's Day and Father's Day last year. We both tried to make those two days special for one another. I am so sorry that Ruth will not be there this year. I hope you know how much she loved you. I thought I would relay one of our great Father's Days. A couple years ago I made reservations at The Phoenician Resort for Fathers Day Brunch. Mark loved sunday brunch and they put on a real show. Free flowing champagne and lots of crab ect... one of those really pricey buffets. I big splurge for us! As we pulled up to the resort valet parking I handed him a large box. My kids were about to explode with excitement. Inside was a royal red floor length velvet cape. A gold crown with jewels and a large medallion on a gold ribbon. We announced that he was officialy King for the day! Here was my big husband strutting around the resort playing the role of King! My husband was a real ham and he played it up big. Traveling from table to table telling folks that as King for a Day we would bestow free champage for all! He traveled out to the pool and and bowed to his kingdom making all kinds of announcements that only a king could do! I was ready to hide and questioned my judgement. But we will never forget that Fathr's day and I still have the red robe hanging in the closet. I would do anything now to see him acting like a fool again. I hope this happy memory will allow you to remember your happy fathers days too. Cheryl

Tammy thanks for this link! It helped me tremendously today. I often get stuck for days in a grief cyclone and find it hard to break free. I really liked hearing that engaging oneself even for five minutes helps break through the negative thought patterns. I often find myself stuck in sadness and will just watch TV for hours unable to find a reason to do anything else! After days of nothing I have to work my butt off to get everything done that I've neglected. Today I decided to focus on a specific task that I liked for 5 minutes and it indeed changed my thought patterns. I felt engaged with my surroundings and actually noticed what a great morning it was! Picked veggies from the garden, watched the hummers bathe in the fountain and took the dogs for a long walk! 5 minutes turned into over an hour of just stuff. I've printed the article and will post it nearby to reinforce myself. thanks!

I took 50-100mg of trazadone at night to help me sleep. I was told it was not addictive. It is considered a mild antidepressant but in low doses it helps you relax. My brain just would not shut down at night. I feel it was the most beneficial decision I made. I took it for a year and a half and just recently stopped. I never had a side effect or withdrawl of any kind. My doctor said that it was safe enough to prescribe to pregnant women. Sleep depervation was really hard on me. Once I started sleeping better my depression eased and my coping skills got much better. I highly recommend asking your doctor about it.

Pink pony I am so glad Colorado helped you feel better! Isn't it awesome to feel some peace? My fist trip after Mark died was to a foreign country and I remember coming home and feeling a deep sadness and regret that I couldn't move there. You are right to be cautious about making big decisions during the first year. I found that the change in scenery gave me a much needed break from grieving. I was able to just enjoy the peace of my surrounds. When I got home I was faced with my loss even more! I couldn't escape it at home! If Colorado is your dream, then hold onto it. Try not to let your emotions control your actions. Do the research, write down the pros and cons. Talk to others that have made the move. But most of all take your time. My mom moved 4 months after my dad died and after the high wore off she realized that her support network was missing and it was very difficult to build friendships in the thickness of grieving. Can you afford to spend the summer in colorado first?

Hello Everyone, This is an important topic. Relationships play an important part of our ability to heal and gather strength. Too much solitude can destroy us. My friends vanished too. I am now at 21 months since Mark died in a motorcycle accident. I'm not sure when it started, but at some point I finally took matters into my own hands. I realized that things were not going to change under the current circumstances. Mark was not going to come back to make us a couple again! I called up one of my missing friends, she apologized for not calling in a long time. I told her that I knew she had a lot on her plate. She asked me how I was doing. I paused and said, I feel so alone. I am so afraid that I will never feel like doing anything again, but I feel like everyone has stopped asking me to be a part of things. I hope you won't give up on me. A week later they had a family barbeque. She called with an invite, and I felt like she had called my bluff. I had no desire to go and yet I new that if I didn't go I would not be included in future events. I did not want to go without my Mark! But I went. I cried the whole way there, was strong the whole time, and then cried all the way home. But it opened the door again. It was a small and painful victory. I started walking my dogs again and instead of going the opposite direction of my neighbors I waved and hollered hi! Baby steps back into the world. I encourage everyone to not wait for your friends and family to figure out what to do. They are confused and scared that they will say the wrong thing or that they will make you more sad by talking about your loved one. So they just put on blinders.Decide what it is you need from your friends or from your family (which is also very difficult to figure out) and TELL THEM. You may to remind them and you may have to remind your self. This is not going to be a path that stays straight. I think most will agree that it is backwards and forwards and backwards again, not only for us but also for the relationships that we share. Patience not only with what you are tryig to do but with the those that don't know what to do or who are not strong enough to face us. Another thing that I did to get back into contact with people was to have small dinners at my home. I would invite a couple friends and ask them to bring a small part of the meal. It would make them feel like they were helping me and it also allowed me to be with people in my safety zone, my home. It was so nice to just have a glass of wine, share a simple meal, catch up on there world. I cried myself to sleep after every meal, missing Mark and hating that he wasn't there. But I kept up with it. Every other week, a simple meal and only a few friends. Now it is our routine. I encourage everyone to first allow yourself to grieve. Full blown grief can take months and years. But keep in touch with your feelings and ask yourself am I ready for something more? If so, what? The very hardest part of my grief journey has NOT been facing the pain. I am great at facing the pain! I am a certified pro at crying. I only buy water proof mascara! The hardest part is trying to figure what the hell to do next with my life. The hardest part is having the strength to do it alone. The hardest part is becoming a new person because I really liked the old me. I really liked my old life. I am moving forward and backwards kicking and screaming along the road, and I often don't see my own progress. I am often very, very discouraged with myself. I am constantly having to remind myself how far I have come. I was the girl in a ball on the floor for months, suicidal thoughts consumed me, I had NO desire to live and didn't even want the desire to live. Please know that if I can learn to rebuild you can do it too. I hope your days are are easier. Cheryl

HI Tammy, I am also in your shoes. My daughter graduated last week from High School. She was the Student Body President and gave the introduction speach. Originally she wanted to go to a diffirent school and my husband strongly encouraged her to attend this one. He was so wise! She has blossomed into such a strong, confident loving person. I couldn't help but wonder what he would have done that night. I missed him by my side and felt so alone even though 15 members of our extended family were there to scream and yell. These are such difficult roads to navigate. My heart breaks each time I face the next event. My daughter broke down the week before missing him also. She rarely shows emotion (unlike me, who can't stop) and I was forced to realize that she is still grieving as well. Tonight we are hosting am open house to celebrate and we will have between 80-100 people in our home. My daughter has put together a slide show of her life. Set to music. I have seen the pictures that she scanned but not the slide show itself. I don't know if I can stand to watch the pictures flip by on the screen. He will be in most of them. But the last year and a half the pictures will be missing one. I am sure my heart will break. I want to run away and skip the whole evening but I know how important this night is to her. I am so tired and worn out. Cheryl

I remember feeling the same way. One thing that helped break the spell for a short amount of time was to force myself to take a walk around the block. I cried the whole time. Cursed and wished I could die. Prayed I would die and thought about how to die. Facing all the pain and not being able to stop the pain is exhausting and discouraging. The walk would get my endorphins going and it helped break the monotony of my crying spells. It's hard to curl up in a ball and cry in the middle of the street. Pick something to do that is diffirent from what you have been doing all day, follow through on it and I think it might help. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much and I want you to know that although I don't understand it from the same view pooint as you I do understand your pain and I hope it softens soon. cheryl

Brian please don't apologize for not going to a group meeting. I completely understand how you are feeling. I just didn't want you to think that the Tempe group was the only one. When I went to my first group I cried and cursed the whole way! My kids kept saying, "why are we going if you are so mad"? All I could think of was how much my life had been destoyed and I was so mad that I was having to go to a support meeting! I had never seen any type of counselor or therapist before. In fact I don't think I had ever really cried about something important before. A pet that died was about the closest I had come to feeling real pain. The absolute only reason I went was because I was so afraid my kids were going to get screwed up and I was so lost as to what to do for them. Mark was there one morning and dead by the afternoon. We were in such shock and literally couldn't wrap our minds around him being gone. I have made it a point to stop pushing myself into doing things that can wait. Attending a support group is a hard first step. Take your time please

Hey Brian, There is a widowed to widowed group meeting in phx that meets on wednesday nights. It is a new group that is trying to gather support. I was able to attend recently. They meet at 6:30 pm on central ave just north of camelback. You can find the group at Meetup.com, widowed to widowed, click the calender and you shouls see cental phx tomorrow. Hope you can check them out. Cheryl

Carol Ann I will be thinking about you on monday and I know that this hard day will also bring you strength. She will no longer be able to prey on the people that are at their weakest. Best of luck and hugs! Cheryl

Welcome to this site. My husband was 49 years old when he died in a motorcycle accident 21 months ago. I am 46 years old and have two kids 14 and 17. We were together for almost twenty years. I also feel greatful for having had such a wonderful life with such a wonderful man. I have been on a long, bumpy journey of grief but now find that the pain is more bearable. I am able to enjoy a lot of the things we used to do together. Please know that there is healing but it takes time and lots of hard work. Take the time to feel all the emotion that comes your way and know that the pain is weakened each time you allow yourself to experience it. Over and over again you will need to address the feelings of anger, guilt, sadness, weakness, lonliness, abandonment, fear, frustration, and self pity. But gradually they lose there hold and days will feel brighter and you will crave the start of a new life. Set small goals and pat yourself on the back for the little things you are able to do. Sometimes just getting out of bed is a huge accomplishment. My heart is heavy for you and your loss and I hope coming to this site will help you feel less alone. It has helped me in many ways. Hugs! Cheryl

Brian, I have found that I have relived the events of my husbands death a million times. In one of the grief books I read, it said that your mind will want to make sense of what has happened and by reliving the experience over and over you are trying to control, change and eventually except the outcome. Especially in sudden deaths, the griever is blindsided and is in such shock that the mind can't believe this has happened. Over and over you will recall, relive and attempt to understand not only the event, but the death itself. Your mind simply can not believe that this has really happened, and there is simply no way to fix it. It was during that time that I found myself feeling like I might be going crazy! I could not escape the reoccuring thought patterns. Just know that it is normal and facing all the thoughts, memories, daymares ect... is part of moving through grief. Recognizing that all of these events are part of "grief work" will help get you through it.

Melina you will do year two just as you are doing now. One day at a time. Each time you stop to cry, grieve and feel the pain it weakens its hold just a tiny bit. You will find that gradually you are begining to cope better, you will be less anxious about how to fill the hours as you begin to participate in new activities. You will begin to stretch your wings as you feel more comfortable trying new experiences. It is the year of accomodating loss into everyday life and learning how to be someone diffirent than you were before. It is harder in many ways, but it is also a year of growth instead of panic. I have found that rather than feeling happy I am just grateful that the gut wrenching horror of death is gone and is now replaced with soft sadness for what I can no longer have. I pray that this hard work will pay off with a new happiness. But I am not at that place yet. Hugs, Cheryl

Hi Brian, I also live in Phoenix. I know of two support groups that you could check into. The first is New Song which is for both kids and adults. The second is Widowed to Widowed, which meets in Tempe and is for adults of all ages. You can learn about Widowed to Widowed by going to www.phoenix.meetup.com If you have kids 20 yrs old or younger you can all attend New Song together and are placed in seperate groups, they meet several diffirent nights and have a West Valley location and a South Scottsdale location. I'd be glad to answer any questions you might have. You can contact me through email. Hope this helps, cheryl

I hope this site helps you along the path. I am so sorry you lost Bill. We are all here to listen and share. Your loss is still so new and painful. I love the tatoo! It will remind you not only to breathe but will also remind you where you are traveling too. As you learn to breathe again you will find strength. Best wishes, Cheryl

Oh Kay I'm so sorry to hear about your job. I can only imagine how discouraging this must feel to you. I can't comprehend the loss of security and can only imagine the fears you are facing. I hope that you are able to take some time to evaluate your options. Change has always been so difficult for me. It appears that you face another hardship that will require great care and baby steps. Your experience along the grief journey will allow you to persevere again. I hope our collective support will help you along this new road. My only advice is to seek the help of a good financial planner. Many out there will want you to file bankruptcy so that they can collect a fee. There are often options that people never hear about. Many will sit with you and share there opinion without a fee. I am so sorry that you must face this new challenge. Hugs! Cheryl

Sad, You are doing your best day by day. Remember not to look too far into the future. After suffering such a loss it is a gradual process to function at a normal level. It is important that you interact with other people though. Please try going to just one support group night. Your local hospice can help place you with a group. It will get easier if you start with small goals. I think a great first goal is to walk. It was hard for me at first but oh what a big help. Margaret was lucky to be able to depend on you to help her with the cats. In time you will be able to make decisions on what is best for both them and you. Take care and hang in there. Cheryl

Those pets of yours need you to take care of them. They depend on you and I'm sure your friend Margaret would like to know that you will take care of them. Pets are a great source of comfort. They sense our pain. I have 3 dogs. My husbands dog, Noodles, now sleeps on top of his pillows. I often hear him breathing in the night and it brings me comfort to hear the breathing beside my head while I sleep. What kind of pets do you have?

Harry, How Beautiful. What a special Valentines gift! Jane was very lovely. I'm so sorry that she lost her battle with cancer. Hugs and strength sent your way. Cheryl