Cheryl

I felt very similar and thought it was guilt, but once I really took a look at what I was feeling it wasn't guilt it was fear. I was afraid that I was spending money on things that could wait/or do without since my future was so unsure and I no longer had my husband's income when I needed it. I was unknowingly petrified that I needed to save, save, save and not spend a dime, or else......fill in the blank___________. I couldn't trust my own judgement when I had always had my husband to say, "you're right we should do that!". My confidence in making the right decisions was shattered. So I started to analyze everything, compare prices, write down pros and cons, fret, worry and ask questions until I could finally feel good about the decisions I was making. I now have new carpet, a patio cover that doesn't leak, the holes into the attic are patched and the roof rats can no longer get in, the laundry room is dry walled and has a light switch. The sprinklers are all repaired, the pool pump is finally fixed and the tree with wood bores has been removed! My life is so much easier and instead of having all these loose ends over me I can sit back and say my house is now in really good shape. I still am afraid of making the wrong choice and running out of money, no one to help me if I do, but I try to balance those fears with pride. I'm proud to be moving forward, making choices I would never have made and learning along the way. My husband would be so proud!

Hi Redwind, I am so sorry that you are experiencing such terrific pain and lonliness. I have come to realize that I am forever changed. I'm not sure I've truly excepted how permenant the loss will be. I think the second year is full of a whole new set of firsts. Now we begin the process of trying to rebuild our lives. I have had many new firsts and I must say they are very hard. But the holidays are now all seconds and that has helped tremendously. My best advice is to not set your expectations too high and take the second year like the first, one day at a time. Try new things no matter how difficult they are. There is a sense of great accomplishment when new hurdles are completed. Cheryl

NATS, I have been jealous that you have someone to hold and love while you also mourn. I fantasize that it must be less painful when you are distracted by new love, warm embraces and an understanding heart to share grief with. Maybe envious is a better word! I am so happy to hear that you are both talking your way through the changes and I pray that you are able to continue on this journey together. Take care, Cheryl

Oh Nats, I'm so sorry to hear about Brenda's decision. I can't imagine having to face rejection on top of grief. My councelor has told me that the longer I can wait to date the easier it will be to move through the grief of losing my husband. I think she said that it's hard to juggle so much emotion and things can become tangled. I haven't given it much thought since no one is banging on the door to take me out. But seeing how much Brenda has helped you along the path has made me jealous. I think you are wise to realize that somethings take time and adjustments. I hope the space you both take will bring you growth and healing. Perhaps then you can rekindle the romance. Your grief journey is obviously taking you to place you were not prepared for it to go and I can imagine that you feel very alone. Please let us know what we all can do to help. Take care of yourself, Cheryl

HI Nick, We haven'ted posted to each other in a long time. I can tell you that trying to figure out what you are capable of providing for them is as hard as actually doing it. My first "vacation" without my husband was a one day white water rafting trip on the Upper Salt River, two hours outside of Phoenix. It was 7 months after he died. It took me two weeks to plan the trip and I canceled it in my head 12 times. I was horrified to think of myself doing anything without Mark. Didn't want to do it and petrified to do it alone. My husband and I had done the same trip with couples several years ago so I knew it was possible and I knew the kids would be soooo excited. No one understood how difficult it was for me to execute. I was still at the stage where going to the grocery store was difficult. I can't explain how life changing it was. There I was driving my kids to the top of the canyon, getting in a raft and charging down class 3 and 4 rapids. I cried off an on the whole way there and through out the day.I had NEVER done anything without my husband before. But seeing the look on my kids faces, to see them laughing again and screaming with anticipation as they rounded the next corner, awesome. It wasn't cheap, about $450. But I gave up several things for several months in order to afford it. My kids still talk about it! I went home after that weekend and realized that it was up to me to do the things I thought we would have done together. Although we'll nver be able to afford to do them the same way when Mark was alive. I could research, budget and plan in advance. Two weeks before the one year anniversary of my husbands death I boarded a plane to Honduras with my kids. We took four flights. Phx to Miami to El Salvador to Honduras and then a small prop plane to the jungle. We went kayaking on the bay, snorkeling on the reef, rafting on a class 5 river, fishing on a deserted island and zip lining from the jungle tree tops. We saw monkeys in the wild and alligators in the river. My family and friends were stunned and cautioned me that we could all get killed! I laughed so hard. Mark died in an accident, no preperation or warning. We could all die at any moment. The trip cost me alot more than the two hour trip from Phx. It was more than I should have probably spent. I don't want you to think I'm suggesting you do anything this radical, but I do want you to know that there are lots of options and ways to make memories with your kids. They won't remember the toys you gave them or the meals at McDonolds but they will remember the marshmellow samores in the backyard and the tent that kept falling down or the funny clown at the circus or the bikeride to the farmers market. Take the leap. Even a small one. One step leads to another step which leads to another step. It's all about taking continual steps back into life. You are right, your boys will have a diffirent life than what your husband planned and it will be harder for them than most kids but they also will be stronger and more appreciative than othr kids. We have a right to feel sorry for ourselves and our kids. We have been through so much. We have lost so much. Ignore all the ignorant people that don't get it. They won't ever be able to see how life is through your eyes. When you are having a strong day, sit down and surf the internet for day trip ideas. It will make you feel so good! Hugs! Cheryl

NATS, Is it guilt you are feeling? Maybe it's just another big change bringing anxiety about what the future may hold. The comfortable spot you shared your life is gone now also. That's a big loss. Your choices were limited in your situation. I think you are on the right track, creating a special place for the things you shared and the memories of your life together. One step, one day at a time!

I also attend a group. We have two men and five women. We have three facilitators, one man and two women. We all have kids between the ages of 5-17. The kids also meet in groups, by age, with facilitators. The male input has been awesome, both as attendees and facilitators. The men miss there spouses as much as us women and they also have kids to take care of. We are all in the same boat and bring a different perspective to the group. The men are more matter of fact about things and the women are more emotional! No suprise there I guess. Going to a group has made a huge difference in the journey. I started one month after my husband died in an accident, unable to even speak and wishing I was dead. After 19 months I am no longer the newbie in the group and the progress is remarkable. I never thought it was possible to learn to cope and carry on. I was convinced that I would never be able to be happy again. I was wrong. It is not the same but there is new excitement that I am learning to live again and someday I hope to love again. I recommend going to a group to everyone. Give it four visits and if it doesn't fit find another group. I know of another group that only meets monthly and several of the members decided to meet on there own for coffee on the off weeks. I see a therapist once a month in between our two meeting and it has been a really good mix. She keeps me focused on setting goals and learning how to take the time to take care of me. The group makes me feel like I'm not going crazy and less alone in my loss. Plus my kids feel less unique. There is a lot of loss out there. From suicide, murder, war, drownings, accidents, illnes, cancer, heart attacks. I have met all these families. Each of these people are somewhat like me. Although each loss is different we all have a lot to offer one another. Seeing the tears on another persons face makes it more real. Hearing the sadness and lonliness brings it back to reality and really, really helps. I never thought group and counceling was for me. I thought it was for the weak and damaged. Guess what? I am weak and damaged! This will be the hardest journey of my life and I don't want to walk it alone. I'm already so alone in my thoughts. Hugs to all of us! Cheryl

These are the wonderful things that make us heal. Congratulations! You are making something good out of something bad. It gives us all a reason to keep on trying.

I read this statement on another site. It was made by a widow and it made me smile. She said,"I'm not divorced, I made it 'till death do us part!" WOW. I sometimes feel pity from my friends. I've seen the horror on strangers faces when I tell them my husband died. But you know what, I made it till death do us part. I'm feeling pretty lucky to have that.

HI Michelle, I am a widow with two kids similar in age to yours. A girl 17 and a boy 13. It has been 19 months since Mark was killed in a motorcycle accident. My husband was the fun one and I was the diciplinary one. We were extremely co dependent on each other when it came to raising the kids. Trying to remember to have fun and relax has been so hard for me. I've had to remember to stop and just love my kids instead of being so task oriented. Please feel free to contact, either through this site or through my email that can be found through my profile. Everyday is a struggle emotionaly for me when it comes to playing both roles.Plus the exhaustion of grief compounds my ability to see clearly. Sometimes I wonder if I'm damaging and scarring my kids for life. Overall they appear to be doing great but not understanding the toll there father's death is probably making on them is hard. We attend a support group for families where they can be in small groups with kids there own age and each week they do activities that teach coping skills. Sometimes they just hang out and know that they are with kids that get it. It has been a lifesaver for all three of us. Please let me know what I might be able to share with you. I get so much great info from this site. Plus I could use another mom in my life that understands how hard it is. Take care, Cheryl

HI Melina, I think that doing anything when you're feeling pressured is a mistake. What good is a mermorial service if it brings you more anxiety and distress? But I do think it is important that you not alienate the people that are trying to do something nice. I have found that if I write out what I'm feeling I get better clarity. I don't share what I write but use it as a tool to figure out what I want to do. The hard part for me is trying to explain it to someone else. You might preface the conversation with how grateful and meaningful it is to know that other people cared so much about your husband and want to do something in his memory. Then you could share with them what you are feeling and going through. They still won't fully understand but you can be at peace that you are taking care of yourself and respecting there effort. Perhaps then they will better understand that there timing is not appropriate and will wait until you feel more capable. The most important thing is not too push yourself too far or too much. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! It is all so hard sometimes. My thoughts are with you, Cheryl

Hi SusieQ, I have also felt similar to you! I am at 19 months and just planned a trip to Akumal Mexico for this summer. I also have pushed myself to do things without Mark. It was miserable at first but I'm also finding a new peace and fulfillment with the successes and achievements. I am so grateful that I haven't given up, but have let the grief guide me along to a point where each day I'm healing in a different way. I never thought I could heal from this awful wound. But the ache is becoming bearable and I can now see that if I keep trying that I will be able to make a good life for myself. I'm so happy for you! Hugs! Cheryl

Hi MZM, We have missed you on this site. I'm so glad to hear that life in the US is helping you on your grief journey. I'm sure you remember me, Mark died in a motorcycle accident and you and I shared several emails about our losses being similar. I'd like to suggest that you make the time to actively grieve. Facing the loss and the pain is essential to moving on. Avoiding it will not end it, it will actually prolong the pain. There are so many ways that you can work through grief, but it is a very personal journey. Set aside a time to write your thoughts, or to just sit and cry. The process takes time and is exhausting. Reviewing what has ended and what you've lost is devastating, but in the end you will find relief. Everytime you face the pain it is weakened. We are all here to help you along the path and remember that it is always changing and evolving. Two steps forward and two steps back but moving along is the key. Take care, Cheryl

This story was in the morning paper. A man apparently trying to save his wife with CPR collapsed, slumped over her and died wednesday night in the couples home. Rescuers broke into the home and tried to revive the man and his wife, but both died. The husband had called 911 and told the dispatcher that his wife had collpased, wasn't breathing and had no pulse. He also said he was starting CPR. With the dispatcher on the line, the call went silent. When firefighters entered the home they found the man 60 slumped over his wife, 59. No names have been released. All I could think of was how lucky he was to feel the grief of loss for only minutes. Never having to suffer through the maze and pain.

I am at the busy time of year with my job. Plus I am at the 1 1/2 year mark of my husbands death. Everyone assumes I am fine and moving on. The reality is that I am not crying everyday but rebuilding my life takes so much out of me and no one understands that I still need support. When I am hurting and needing someone to lean on I find myself checking multiple times of day for new posts and words of hope. Thankyou all for sharing your grief journey. I miss sharing my progress but hope to be able to take the time to share more, once the juggling act has calmed down. It is wonderful to be at a point where I don't want to die and I see hope. But it is a very stressful and lonely journey now that everyone sees me as okay. I feel like I am rambling, I know that you all understand. Take care, Cheryl

Happy birthday to you...... make a wish when you blow out the candles. i hope the day is sweet. cheryl

why wouldn't you go?

What do I do to get the spark back? My best advise is to grieve. It will take many forms. Try them all. Which means, go ahead and isolate, scream in the car as loud as you can, cry all night long, lie on the floor in a ball and curse, write long letters to yourself about what you feel, search books for comforting words, listen to music, look at pictures. Rest, sleep, cry again. Get up every day and accomplish one task. Stare out the window, flip the tv channels, write some more, cry some more. Eat. Rest. Sleep. Actively facing and feeling your loss will weaken it's hold. At some point you will be ready for a small step out of grief. It might be a walk around the block, coffee alone in a coffee shop....but you will have gone out in public! Take a step away from the pain when you know it's what you need. Invite someone to share a meal. Only you can choose the path. It's a curse and yet a blessing. Your pace, your life, when your ready for something more than grief.

I have found grieving is very easy. I have no trouble crying. releasing the pain and hibernating from the world. It's living that's so hard. I never thought I had it in me, to be so sad. Shocking to me that this world of grief existed. I had no idea. But I am in an upswing right now! I have had several weeks where life is looking very hopeful and the light at the end of the tunnel is glimmering. I am praying that this roller coaster is slowing down a little bit! I hope we all have days of peace! Cheryl

Nat's, What a great new beginning! I'm so happy to hear you found a place you like. Best wishes and have fun decorating, or maybe that's a girls dream! Cheryl

Melina, I found an article that Marty wrote on www.opentohope.com. It's title is, A New Year and the Burden of Guilt. Marty does a great job explaining how guilt is a natural part of grieving. What I really liked was her tips on coping with guilt. I've practised many of them and it's helped me get through the things I can not change. At 6 months the fog lifted and I was fully exposed to the reality that everything was changed. I was in so much pain and I didn't know how I was ever going to feel better. I was angry, sad, lonely, scared, depressed and impatient. I was following everything the books told me to do. I was going to a support group. I was functioning on the surface and dieing on the inside. What I relaized first was that only I could get myself out of this mess. I began to take very small risks, and I mean very small. I sat in the sunshine and dared myself to enjoy the warmth. I took the dogs for a walk and made myself feel the cool, crisp air. I forced myself to do things that used to make me feel better. It was painful to start feeling anything other than grief. I was on a constant rollercoaster. Forward and backward through emotion, pain and despair. Glimpses of hope and back to pain again. But very gradually the steps backward were not as far and not as harsh. Learning who I wanted to be was very hard, because I wanted to be the same person I had always been. I still fight myself on excepting that I can be happy with Mark gone. I learned you can not put a timeline on it and you have to keep fighting. Resting is a part of the fight. Constantly try to be aware of what is helping and learn to rest your soul when it screams at you. I can tell you that it does get better. I can't tell you when. I know that you won't give up but that you are very tired of grief. I read all your posts and I think you are doing a great job facing life straight in the face. Big hugs and love, Cheryl

Hi Melina, I haven't posted in a while but your post brought a lot of memories of myself at around the same time. At 6 months our support group decided to share pictures of our spouses with the group. I was a mess for two weeks waiting for my night to share. Two hours before the meeting I sat on the floor with my son going through the photos and placing them on a trifold board. I sobbed to the point my very soul was breaking. I carried my board to the meeting unable to speak. I had no words to share. All those happy pictures of our life and it was all over. I kept the trifold board in the kitchen for three months. Daily I sat on the floor in front of it and let my heart break over and over. Sometimes I turned the board towards the wall, to spare myself from the pain. As painful as it was, it helped me face that he was really gone. I truly believe grief is only unresolved when you stop facing what happened. Each of us coming to this site is actively grieving and working on resolution. This may not be the time to face the pictures. But whenever you do decide to do it, it will be very painful. A new way of seeing what has ended and what will no longer be. At some point I hope the pictures make me smile instead of cry but at 18 months I still tear up at every photo. I have days now where I am no longer suffering and for that I am so relieved and grateful for. Life is starting to rebound and I can now see myself able to live a life without Mark. I can even say that I will be able to be happy again. I can hardly wait. Grief rears it's ugly head a little less often and not nearly as fierce. The hard part is trying to figure out who I am now and what I want for myself. I may not feel strong very often these days but I know that I can't give up. You!re doing all the right things Melina! Keep up the hard work! Cheryl

I didn't start feeling better until the 14th month. In my case I think I needed to get through the whole year of firsts. I also think that since my husband died in an accident, the shock took longer to wear off. Try not to put a time limit or a progress scale on your grief. It is ever changing and I think as soon as you get comfortable with one feeling another one sneaks in.

Melina, I can relate completely! After I started feeling better I would often have set back days. To me they were so devastating because the relief I had been feeling was over and the familiar sadness returning was a realization that death pain was not over! I can tell you that for me the set back days were often an even greater roller coaster than the endless days of pain. But now at 16 months life is Sooo much better. I have began to live again. Stay strong, it will continue to get better if you put in the work and figure out what works for you!

Dear Carol Ann, I have read your posts and want you to know how brave I feel you are. Your story of survival gives me the strength each day to make sure my children are loved, embraced and taken care of. Your continued growth is so inspiring and all of us during this journey can bind ourselves together knowing that we are not alone even when we feel alone. I dreamt about my husband last night. We were dancing, slow and close by the Christmas tree. He told me he loved me, that I was the best wife. It felt so real and comforting. His smile, his touch, the way we fit together when we hug. We can all draw strength from the happy times we once shared. I know Mellisa is cheering you on and is proud of your ability to persevere through the dark. I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you prepare for court. You are doing a very brave thing. Many people would be unable to find the strength to face this pain. Cheryl