niamh

hi benpm, I am glad you have someone who can take some of the pressure off you sorting out those things. It helps when someone else can take care of certain things so you can try to focus on yourself. I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about, 2 yrs is nothing, these things are EXTREMELY difficult to do and none of it just like grief has to fit a time schedule. You got there in the end and who cares if it took 2 yrs, I don't think that's long at all at all. I read your other post and I can't imagine how difficult it is to find your own personal time to grieve between working and your kid. Can you find time when he's gone to bed, for yourself ? I just wish so much for some proper support from your wife for you. All things considered I think you are doing great, you are still here, you get out of bed go to work, you help your kid with homework, you are dealing with the affairs you have to and all of that deserves one big *PAT ON THE BACK*. Others may not see these things are big coz under "normal" circumstances they are run of the mill, day to day things but after losing our loved ones, doing all these things is a big deal I think and each of us here deserves credit for just hanging on like we do. So, if you can't give yourself the credit I'm sending a ton of it your way hugs to you, niamh

hi Butterfly, I love when you tell us our Dad's till here us, are still with us and them still continuing to be part of the family. I think someone else telling me that straight like that helps a little. And I love when you talk about him in present tense aswell, I do that also. I keep telling myself he's not gone, he's just changed and for now I don't understand that change but our bond is still there as strong as ever. I had to email someone yesterday who asked for his full name and I type it as "his name is" instead of "was" because just because yep he is just somewhere else. I just keep on telling myself that. I hope I'll hear that voice someday.actually I often heard it after my Aunt passed,I was very close to her. But the night we were driving to the hospital I prayed so hard to my Aunt on the way in, in the car and thought everything was going to be alright,I could hear my Aunt saying that. I though that it was probably a false alarm (we'd had one years ago when he was in hospital). I guess that probably another thing that has shaken me so much on the afterlife because I guess part of me thinks it was all BS in my head all these years considering what happened so that made me doubt things even more. But I'll keep trying and I'll keep looking for the signs and hopefully one day something happens that I can't doubt. Is fathers day June 20th for you guys also ? I also plan on getting flowers, think I will take them on on the saturday evening though so I can be on my own, I'm sure on sunday they place will be packed with people and I prefer having my alone time when I visit him. Do you mind me asking butterfly, you say you will buy a card for him.....will you just write in it and keep it at home ? I would love if there was something I could get to hold a card in the cemetery, not sure if you can get something like that. Maybe I'll look into getting something made. I was going to get him one for his birthday in April but I just could not bring myself to even look at them in the shops. I am so glad you found your way to us to share all your beautiful ideas and thoughts thanks hun, and much love and hugs to you, niamh

I just found lots of little audio clips with my Dad's voice on them. I went on a cruise with my parents and my Aunt in 2004 and I remember Dad & I found this cool feature on his camera where you could record voice when taking a photo. So he recorded something on most of the photos. I can't believe I found these. I thought I had nothing left of his voice after I deleted a voicemail from him back in December in a temper 2 days after the fact. I have a good friend who is great for making DVDs with photos, music and so on so she had told me she would do one for me. I still want to get copies of any photos my uncles and his cousins have but for now I think I might just put these ones together on their own. I just feel kinda close to him hearing his voice again, altho at the same time it upsets me so much knowing that is all I have left. I'm sure I will play them to death. GOD I just want him back, hearing is voice in some ways makes it SO HARD to believe it all again.Makes me wonder does he still sound the same, can he still talk wherever he is *L*. Finding this must be a little pressie from him, now I know again what he sounds like. thanks Daddy,I just miss and love you always and forever On another note I have also contacted a lawyer, just sent an email query via their website so they replied already requesting his full name and said they would draft a response which I should have next week. So,I wait anxiously. Part of me knows I am opening a can of worms especially if there is a case against the hospital but I can't let it go. My Dad would do what he could in a situation like this. So I'll do what I can for now and see what they say. If there is a case I would love to be able to go for it & afford it (don't know if they have no win, no fee here) just to be able to help in someway to prevent even one other person from going through this. And if there is no case then I have to lay this to rest but at least I'll know. hugs and love to each of you, niamh

Sharla hun, I am glad to hear your Dad's surgery went fine and good to hear he is in good spirits. I only wish we could all get real true comfort from what we have to deal with in life. I hear you on the friday thing, I am already waiting for this friday to come. sending you lots of love and hugs hunny, niamh

thank you so much for the kind words and hug Shelley. I just feel so sick of it, sick of life without him. I don't know how this is supposed to get less difficult, my Mom and I find it harder and harder as it gets longer since seeing him. I found a Christmas card yesterday that my Mom had got for my Dad in the drawer, I nearly got sick. I wrote in mine and put it in with my Dad. Life is just SO LONELY and I dont see it getting any better. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. sorry things are somehow extra extra hard this week. This time last year my Dad and I went to Italy on vacation for a week so its all that is on my mind, never having that again. This is just a cruel place now and I hate it. hugs, love and thanks to you Shelley, niamh

hi byerkovich, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom, cheated is exactly how I feel, I am 35 and just hate that I only had half my life with my Dad (altho I am hoping so much that God doesnt leave me here another 30yrs, I just want to be with my Dad asap but not by my own hand). my Mom is all that keeps me barely surviving in this world. all seems so pointless now. I just DO NOT KNOW how others find happiness again, my Dad was our world (I have no siblings so now it's just me and Mom). I just want out, I feel my life is over already but I'm still stuck here. ugh just so sick of it all much love, hugs and peace to you hun niamh

hi Deb, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved fiancee. I can't relate specifically to that but I can tell you this site is great for support from the most caring people in the world. Maybe post in the loss of spouse/partner section of this site also and you may find kind people who can relate somewhat. Your pain and grief is unique to you, nobody will ever fully understand exactly what you feel but maybe some can relate a little and let you know that you are not completely alone in how you feel. I wish I had words of comfort, I just don't think there are any but I can send you some love, hugs and peace. niamh

hi Kim, Welcome to my new online home! I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost mine suddenly just before Christmas, he was 65 and like yours he was FULL OF LIFE. The phrase you use "had a zest for life" just brought me back to the eulogy I gave. I had my Dad's brother read over it beforehand incase he wanted to add anything and he just asked me to add somewhere that my Dad "had a zest for life", just summed him up so well. I'm so angry with God or whoever for taking him, I still need him here as does my Mom and I hate that I get left behind. I always went on vacation with my parents, in fact last year I had 2 with just me and Dad .....kinda ironic really, was the first time ever it was just the 2 of us. I hate that I will never have that again and I just don't know how to do all this without him, it's pointless to me, my Mom is all that keeps me hanging on. I wish I had advice for you, for anyone grieving such a huge loss but I just don't think there are any words. The one thing I will say is to be kind to yourself now and know that any feelings you have are "normal", however strange they may feel. Maybe do some research on grief, I did a lot after the first few weeks because I just had no clue what was happening to me physicall and emotionally. One book I recommend to anyone grieving is How to survive your grief....it's just a simple easy to read almost reference type book on the various feelings and emotions. Lets you know that you that all the feelings are normal. Your photos are beautiful, I am glad your Daddy got to be there with you on your special day. sending you hugs, love and peace hun and hope you keep sharing. I know this site has been a lifeline for me and my grief, niamh

benpm, I can only echo what Marty and Shelley have said if you could give some to charity. I am sorry for all the pain you are going through with this now aswell, I just have no other words, hugs niamh

Acquarius7, I am so so sorry to hear about your darling Mom and so sorry for all the pain and suffering you have now. I wish there were words of comfort but the truth is there are none. Just know that any feelings you have are "normal" now however scary and new they are to you. the only "advice" I will give you is to BE KIND TO YOURSELF. You are definitely not losing your mind, this is beyond enormous to cope with and I will say again, anything you feel is "normal", it's ok. I hope you may find the tiniest bit of comfort or peace just knowing you are not alone with however you feel, there is someone else in the world can relate, however far away, YOU ARE NOT ALONE with it. I hope you will keep sharing with us here saying whatever you need or feel whenever you want. All we can do is listen and be here for you It's nice your last words were of your love for each other and I know that doesn't comfort you, it won't take the pain away. My heart just goes out to you so much. I wish there was a way to banish all our pain. sending you so much love, hugs, comfort and peace from far away again I am so sorry for you niamh

aw I'm sorry your hurting so much beckym. I too find it hard to imagine things ever being better, happiness seems just as impossible as my Dad walking through the door now. I'm so sorry you have guilt on top of it all. I find I don't wish for one more moment, I want him back fully but it's all so impossible. I do have regrets about his last few days in hospital and I am thinking about at least talking to a lawyer. I know it can't change anything but I can lay that part at peace so I need to do it. nobody will ever ever be good enough or even begin to replace who we have lost and it's just so hard to have the very best most important person from you life just gone. that poem is beautiful, thanks for sharing. nancyf, I am sorry also for your loss and pain. I try to value my time with my Mom now that Dad is gone, but neither of us can laugh, we can't reminisce on things and smile, we are hanging on like threads for each other. hugs, love and comfort to you both niamh

I write to my Dad all the time, I have a journal that I keep just for that. You don't even need to think about what you want to write, just start writing and it will flow. It doesn't have to be anything you ever ever show anyone so you can truly speak your mind. I write so much of the same thing to my Dad, so much is repetitive but it doesn't matter, it's good not to bottle it up. The words will come to you. Take them one at a time,each is a huge loss and I can't imagine how hard to even try to begin dealing with so many, where do you start, how do you start. But getting some feelings out here, in therapy, in private letters, none of it can make things worse that's for sure. I definitely think it would be good for your wife to know a little more on grief and depression. She won't be able to fully know exactly what you are going thru, that's unique to each one of us. But if it can make her think a little before saying something to you, make her a little more patient and understanding again that absolutely can't make things worse for you. I hope you do find some tiny comfort here with us just knowing you are not alone hugs and peace to ya ! niamh

hi Shelley, I know you are having such a hard time but I am glad to hear you think you are starting to forgive your Dad a little, baby steps hun, the very fact that you want to I think is a HUGE anyways. I know it won't magically take away any pain from grief but hopefully can bring you some peace around what happened to you. I hope you are so proud of yourself for being able to walk this road of forgiveness, it takes a special person. hugs, love and peace dear friend ! niamh xo

thank you 2sweetgirls yesterday was one weird day, I took a half day from work because the day was just going too slow and I just felt trapped in here, I've never felt anything like it. Left work at 12.30, by 3pm it felt like I had left work at least 12 hrs before.Every minute was like an hour, it was BIZARRE to say the least. so friday at last has come and it feels a little more "normal" now, just normal slow *L* not that i've anything to look forward to tho, go visit Dad for a chat, then wait for bedtime. hugs and love niamh PS Sharla hun, hoping all went ok with your dear Daddy's surgery, xx

hi Jaye, My Mom and I don't really talk about him, she mentions things every so often. I guess it is still too hard, as soon as she talks about a small memory, I feel the lump in my throat. I can't even fully let my head go back on memories myself, yet at the same time I try to remember his face, his voice coz sometimes I get so scared of forgetting everything because for now I am blocking it out. I too still refuse to lie about how I feel. I am finding it harder and my Mom is aswell recently because people have stopped calling out of the blue now. I hope your dreams of him bring you some little comfort, it sounds like they do and that is wonderful. I hope they feel like visits from your Daddy. I wish for dreams/visits, wish to feel his presence. Going to plough through some of the things Marty posted about after life communication etc. Sometimes I hope and try to think that he is right next to me,all the time, "knocking" SO HARD trying to come through to let me know he's here but my pain is just blocking it and hopefully someday he'll succeed. Other times as I've said a million times on here I get scared wondering what if he's not. wow 3 of you adopted, your parents are something special . of course he loved you equal , you are and always will be his little girl. hugs and love to you hun, niamh xox

Loulou, the word BLAH just sums it all up nicely. I wish for my work week to be over fast every week but it's like yeah whatever, nothing to look forward to at the weekend. oh Sharla, I wish you could stop time, there just are no words for the complete lack of control eh. I hope things went well with your Dad yesterday. I hope there is some relief to his pain. hugs and love to you both dear friends, xo

hi benpm, thanks for hugs. So I wish I had the answers for you but I don't. My heart goes out to you with all the losses. Unlike me you do have the addition of suicide which is something I can't begin to understand. It brings so many other questions and emotions that I don't know of. Are there any grief support groups near you that you can go to ? I don't know how they operate, it's not a big thing where I am from but I'm sure you won't be forced to talk or anything but can sit and listen, and you will just meet people and maybe meet other men who can relate to you. You mention that you refuse to cry but then you do let it out at night when alone so the tears do come eventually. I had a good friend lose his brother who was his best friend, he worked with him, to suicide last July, 4 months later to the exact date his Mom died of a sudden heartattack (broken heart really from the loss of her son). Anyways, the guy has a wife and 3 young kids. His wife told me in January that he never talks about his loss, his Mom, his bro. She tries to to bring them up, telling the kids little stories and he doesnt acknowledge the conversations. She said he won't cry but late at night, he will go to the bathroom and cry himself. Truth is there is nothing wrong with any of it. We each deal with grief differently and no way is right or wrong. Whatever way you do it is right for you. I strongly recommend you do some research, just do lots of googling on grief. Its what I did at the beginning, I would google a certain feeling/emotion and just see what it was all about in relation to grief. It helped me just understand what I am going through. Perhaps aswell maybe find some books or something that you can give you wife, I know there's books out there on how to "help" or live with people grieving. Maybe that will help her bite her tongue a little and be patient with you. People mean well but when they have not experienced grief, even simple comments can cut like a knife. Some people as you say need to be told outright what you need from them. They just don't realise the impact of what they are saying. Sounds to me like your wife needs to gain some understanding of grief & depression. Without any understanding I guess maybe she gets frustrated and the tough words are lashed onto you. The other thing that struck me is you saying you are embarrassed by the fact that you can't get over it and I wish I could help you change your mind but I can't. Here's the thing, we never get over loss, it's more like learn to live with it, learn to deal with it, it just becomes part of us. I hope you are finding the therapist somewhat helpful, it's a slow process I guess., there is so much for you to deal with. But if you don't feel like you are getting anywhere, feel free to change therapists. The choice to grieve alone or with someone is entirely yours, I don't think anyone has the right to tell you how you should do it. Do it whatever way you want, if you want to grieve with someone, then seek out some support groups, but if you want to grieve alone KNOW that this is YOUR choice. Again there is no right or wrong way only YOUR WAY. I don't really grieve with somebody (altho I have my Mom around), the real full reality of my pain is something I let out when I am completely alone because that's what I am comfortable with so ,no, grieving with somebody is not something you have to do. Again I wish I had the answers, there are no hard fast rules with any of this. It's a lifetime education as far as I'm concerned. Keep sharing with us whatever you feel, whenever, feel free to ask us any questions. All we can do is listen and share. sending you hugs and peace for today niamh

WOW Marty, thank you so much for taking the time to put all this together. Lots of reading ahead It is truly appreciated ! niamh

hi Suzanne, I am glad you at least have some outlet to be able to be 100% honest without anyone asking you to not say how you feel. I feel so much similar as always when I read your posts. I overheard my Mom on the phone last week telling my Aunt she was having such a bad week all she wanted was to be with my Dad. She would never tell me that and I would never tell her it's how I feel aswell. I guess neither of us wants to hurt the other saying it. I'm sure maybe she knows deep down that I too feel the same. Besides my dearest friends on this site also grieving for the Dad's my Mom is the one person who has a good idea of what I am missing because I live at home, she knows all the simple little things now gone, now missing from our everyday life. I too find I have stopped telling most friends how badly I wish I could fast forward time and just go be with my Dad. I've had the reactions too of don't say that, I won't let you talk like that. Yet they should realise I am still here, I have not done anything about it and wouldn't dream of it, I hang on by a thread for my dear Mom. So they should just let me say how I feel. Their words cannot change my feelings. I do have one friend who has learned so much about grief from me and has told me that so many times she's wanted to tell me not to say something but she doesn't because I've told her that it is part of it all and it means so much that she will just listen when I say it without trying to fix it. Someone else told me I should make myself do something, go somewhere even if I don't want to, that it might help. This conversation almost went to a full blown argument but I pulled back, got very upset and just told her this is something I have to learn to live with. Forcing myself to do something is certainly not something I intend to do. I simply told her getting out of bed and going to work is HUGE for me, meeting a friend, talking to a friend on the phone is HUGE for me and if that's as much as I can do for now so be it so they're gonna have to get used to it. And so all this is also for you, you are still here, you are still alive and that in itself I think is one HUGE achievement given the amount of pain, suffereing and loneliness. I guess its so hard for people who haven't lived it to realise how something so simple to them is suddenly now so major for us. I do get flowers for my Mom regularly, I give her money to go enjoy lunch out or if she is getting her hair done I'll give her money towards it. It was something my Dad did regularly, leaving her a little note to go off and enjoy herself while we would be at work. It brings her a smile for a few seconds. I know it doesn't take away her pain but I will still do it. I absolutely hate seeing the pain and emptiness she feels but I am fully aware that I cannot take it away and I know she hates to see me with such pain aswell but she knows she cannot take mine away. It's just such a vicious circle. I also still cannot remember good times, or look at photos but I need to as my Mom wants to get memoriam cards so I have to find some nice photos.I am almost physically sick at the thoughts of memoriam cards, headstones (we haven't even started looking yet). The only thoughts I have all the time of my Dad are about how much I miss him, how much I need him, how badly my Mom needs him and how much we just simply want him back. I don't want him to be a memory, it's like memories are not REAL living things. I like to think he is somewhere else, in some afterlife still living just in a form I cannot comprehend now. I also think he has to be around me, he cannot have left me here all alone. The love and bond has to have just changed, not broken. But I have trouble with all now because I feel I need hard proof which I know I won't ever get here. But I just long for the day and hope for the day I feel his presence around me. I just keep thinking he loved me too much to just be gone completely. It's the only thing that can happen now coz no matter how much I wish he could come back, no matter how many times I scream at God to give him back to me, I know deep down it's not gonna happen. So I hope for you too, and all of you here that someday you will sense your loved ones around you, it has to be comforting, there has to be something about knowing and feeling that our loved ones are always with us but we just can't seem them. That's all so very different from just memories . well, much love, hugs and comfort to each of you, niamh

hi All, So I've noticed something recently. I am now into my 3rd week in work back on 5 days (had been doing 4 day weeks since I came back). Anyways, the last 10 days or so I am finding every single day getting longer and longer which in turn makes the week endless. I am busy in work, it's not like I have nothing to do but time just seems to suddenly on such a go slow, it's like the day just won't end for me, every hour just feels SO LONG. Feels liek I will never get out of here. I woke this morning thinking it was thurs and just felt so weary knowing it was only wednesday.There is nothing going on in work that set anything off with me. Even as I responded to another post just now that I wrote only 2 weeks, it feels like a lifetime ago I wrote it. Yet the last 5 months without my Dad have just gone by so fast, most of it being a blur which I know is normal. Time just feels all mixed up at the moment !! So I realise how odd this sounds and I am descirbing it as best I can. Time feeling muddled is about the best way to put it anyone else having any funny feelings with time ? (I'm almost smiling writing this knowing how odd it sounds) hugs to all dear friends ! niamh

thank you all so much for the kind words and support. It actually feels so long since I wrote this yet it's only 2 weeks ago, wow ! hugs and love to all

hi Butterfly, thank you so much for the kind words, I am glad you found your way to us. I'm loulou's pal here who is on this never ending search with her wondering WHERE ARE OUR DADDIES . I have always believed and have faith but since this I guess lots has been thrown out the window and now I feel I need hard proof, and I wonder if anything really would be good enough. I've had the song thing happen twice, definitely not enough for me. WOW, I've never heard anyone actually describe what they feel when they feel a presence. Do you feel your friend all the time or just times when you feel you need her/him ? And your pets also, OMG !! I do like to think my Dad is around me, I guess what gets me is knowing how much he loves me that I can't get why he can't send me a proper real big sign. But that's all part of it eh, nobody knows with 100% concrete proof about the afterlife, no photos of proof *L*. But yep as you say the love and bond is not something that can be broken, it's changed and it's adapting to that change is so tough. I know people have recommended some books to me and I've picked some up several times at the book store but just couldn't get them. I guess for now I am not ready to be reading lots of stories of other people's experiences (obviously it's different talking to someone here who actually has it). I guess I feel it will hurt me more because I don't feel it. Friends have asked if it would help to go see someone (we don't really get famous mediums here so wouldn't trust anyone else, money money money for them!!) but I guess I feel if my Dad is really somewhere, can come through to someone then I am the one he should come to without me having to pay anyone. In saying that I am waiting anxiously for loulous trip.......we like to think of our Daddys having got together "up there" talking about us now that we've made friends down here so I'm hoping maybe loulou will get some little message for me too . It's something that brings a smile to my face everytime I write that. I hope you keep sharing with us and I hope you feel your Dad's presence real soon. I can't actually even imagine how comforting it would be, I hope it would, I hope it would be something that would sooth the feelings of loneliness and I absolutely hope it wouldn't be a once off feeling. I'm so demanding hugs and love to you hun and thanks for sharing all with us ! niamh

aw Shelley, I read your words and I feel the loneliness, I find it the hardest part, feeling so lost and lonely without them.No matter who I am around it never takes away that ache or longing, nobody is good enough except the one person we want here that we can't have. I hope when you wake today that you will have some bit of relief from the intensity of it. huge hugs and comfort to you, I wish your Mom would just pay a visit in a dream or something so you'd know she's still with you, just like I wish too. niamh

hi benpm, I am so sorry for each of your losses that has brought you here to us. I'm glad to hear you took the step to go to the hospital and no doubt plenty of other people are also glad of it. I'm sorry things have been so tough with you and your wife, grieving is already tough enough without feeling like you don't have support. you mention grieving with somebody. Is this something you actually want for yourself or because someone recommended it you feel it's what you need ? I'm not sure if you've done any research yourself on grief. I know this was something I did in the beginning because I just had no clue what was happening to me, emotions and physical reactions that were a little scary because they were so new. I've read quite a few books but the one that always stands out that I still refer back to is "How to survive your grief". I mention this book to you because I recall one part of this book talking about not being able to cry and gives reassurance regarding this "emotion". Crying is not the only thing there is to grief, it's one tiny aspect of it. The following is an excerpt from this book by Susan Fuller, I hope I'm not breaking any copyright laws putting it here !! No Tears Most people assume that grieving means tears, and it often does, but it is not at all uncommon for people to report never crying ..and every one of them questions it. If this is you, don't worry about it. Tears are not a requirement for grieving successfully. Some of the most common experiences are Some people just don't cry ...period. And you know what ? It's all okay. However you need to grieve, with or without tears, is just fine Oten, People report feeling like they want to cry, but can't. Sometimes it's described as tension or heaviness in the chest with a longing for the relief tears would bring. It's an awful feeling, but it's quite comming and totally normal. Eventually, one of two things will happen...the tears will come or the tension releases without them. Some people have found watching sad movies or listening to music can help access the tears, but you really don't need to force it. The tears will come if and when you're ready for them Some people try to block the tears, some more successfully than others because they're afraid the tears will never stop once they start. All I can say is the tears do stop...really they do. If you need to cry, give yourself permission to do it. Blocked grief can backfire by turning into depression creating more intense pain later, or making it difficult to move on. Not crying does not necessarily mean blocked grief. We all grieve differently, in our own unique way, and with our own unique set of responses. Do you write at all ? I write regularly in a journal to my Dad, I vent so much in it, I get so angry and there is where I probably let most of it out. I can't say the pain eases just because I've got some feelings out but I do know it's better than keeping them bottled up inside me. I'm sorry your wife has said hurtful things to you. I know the smallest, tiniest "off comment" for me these days can just set me off so badly so when someone actually does or says something genuinely mean, it feels like such a major rejection. And all it does is highlight that they one person who could fix it all, make me feel better is not here and that's where it truly hits as opposed to me focusing on what was actually said or done. If your wife has not grieved before maybe it's something she needs to learn something about. I know one of my closest friends has told me she has learned so much from me. I tell her everything and am truly honest to the point that I have told her that when I say things that she hates to hear,(such as wishing to fast forward life etc), I've told her it's just part of the process, that she can't fix me and I can't cope with anyone telling me not to think like that. She's told me recently that so many times she has wanted to tell me to stop thinking like that but she bites her tongue because she knows, and I've told her that's all I need, that means so much more to me than trying to make it better for me because the truth is she can't. As much as someone wants to make it better for us, they simply can't. All they can do is ride through the storm with us. Do you have brothers or sisters that ever talk about your Mom ? Does your cousin have any family left ? I find family very hard to talk with about my grief, in fact I actually don't. And the weird thing is they too have been hit with grief losing their Mom almost 4 yrs ago. To this dayI don't know the true depths of their grief and for some reason i find it impossible to talk to them about mine. I do talk to friends, not as regularly now as it was in the beginning so i do find this site like a lifeline for me. I can open up honestly here, nobody judges what you say and in many cases people just relate to it. It can make things a tiny bit less lonely just knowing someone else knows what I am talking about. And nobody ever gets sick of hearing about it here. Do you think or talk about your loved ones ? Do you think about what you miss ? Do you wish they were still here ? Maybe telling us some of these things can just help you begin to open up and start somewhere. Maybe have a read of some of the other posts on here too, something might just trigger something for you. I know sometimes I find I have to make time for myself to think about it all properly because I go through the motions of life, work etc and at times I can go for a few days without crying but all the while I know something is building up inside, sometimes I am afraid to let it out, I am afraid to go to that place because it is so painful. Other times it will just erupt of it's own accord. well I hope you can also share here with us as you also go to counselling. We can't fix it all but we can listen, share and relate with you, hugs to ya and I hope your meeting went ok niamh

hi Sharla, so sorry for all the pain and suffering your beloved Dad and family and you are going through. I hope the surgery goes well today. I'm sure it would be such a relief to see his pain eased so hopefully he will get some relief from it. hugs, love and comfort to you during this awful tough time niamh,