2sweetgirls

Aquarius7, I cry as I read this because it is exactly how I feel. I feel like where did these wonderful people go? Why are they gone? Most of all, how am I supposed to be able to deal with all of this? Recently, I received a small memory stone with the words that my dad had put on a bigger stone for my mom to be put on a memory walkway at the hospice where she (and 10 months later he also) died. I cried so much my husband had to hold me up. I wonder all the time how I can make this whole experience easier for my girls when it's their time to grieve for me and their daddy. I haven't come up with it yet. It is all too much sometimes. Sending hugs to you. 2sweetgirls

Christmas is a tough one. Last year Christmas was only 25 days after mom passed. Usually we have an annual Christmas Eve party which I was not in the mood to have but, after talking it over with my husband, decided to have it anyway. We thought that it would be extremely sad to be alone especially after such a horrible event so decided to have friends over for a short casual night. Mom must have been smiling because I had a good night and being with special friends helped. This year is another story....... Maybe you can spend time with people that are special to you and that might help. Sending hugs your way. 2sweetgirls

WOW, Lonewolf, your post just proves the feelings we all feel - time does NOT heal all wounds. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and dad. It is so much more painful than I ever expected. I lost my mom almost a year ago, Nov 30 and just lost my dad on Oct 4. Having lost both parents in less than a year is more than my brain and heart can handle. So, for now, all I can do is push it all down into my gut and just deal the best way I can. I know that it will have to come out sometime but, I just can't do it right now. I feel if I let all my emotions loose, I will just melt into a heap of nothing useful. I have two children who depend on me. I just don't know what to do sometimes..... Anyway, lonewolf, please don't feel alone. This forum is so EXTREMELY helpful and we are all here to listen and NOT to judge at all. There is no defined amount of time, if any, that determines when one will be "ok". 2sweetgirls

I don't think that feeling that way about others that have lost a parent or someone really close to them is a bad thing. I actually do feel that way myself. I tell my husband all the time that "I'm broken" - not just my heart but me myself. I hope that somehow, someday, with some tape and glue, I can be, at least, partially fixed again. I'm glad that your new friend could help you through a tough time. You daddy did send him to help you. I really believe that. Love and hugs to you, Niamh. 2sweetgirls

Hello123, I can't express how sorry I am of the loss of your dad and so young. I truly am sorry. I would imagine that since he was so young that you are probably also. It is hard at any age but, if you are around younger people who have not had experience with loss - especially of a parent - how are they supposed to understand and most of them won't. You will find that mostly everyone on this site feels or has felt similarly to you. Grief is different for everyone but, you will get some comfort that there is at least one other person in this world - and this site - that feels the same as you do. I lost my mom almost one year ago on Nov 30 and just lost my dad Oct. 4. It is hard to talk a lot about it this time around. I have no idea why. Maybe the feeling of being lost and the numbness..... It is unfair that really horrible people are able to live until a ripe old age - like my husband's example Fidel Castro. I feel angry about that too. I look at people while I'm out and wonder "why can't that be my mom or dad". hello123, have peace that all that you are feeling is "normal" for what you are going through. I have and continue to feel those feeling too. Sending many hugs your way. Keep writing when you feel that you can. It does seem to help. 2sweetgirls

Sending you many MANY hugs (((((((((((()))))))))))))). I am so sorry for how you feel and will be thinking of you tomorrow. I feel the same way about the one year anniversary of my mom's death - which will be Nov. 30. I had been anticipating that day when the unthinkable hit - my dad took a turn for the worst and died on Oct. 4th. When mom died, it was EXTREMELY painful beyond words but, I tried to pour myself into dad and call him everyday. We would cry together, share stories of mom, laugh, etc. Now? I just feel numb in all senses of the word. Also, you almost feel like an orphan - alone like a child. It's weird. I feel distant from everyone at times and other times I just don't know how I can be "normal". I already know who will be able to listen to me and who will not and I just gave up on the ones who just don't understand. If I am not in the mood to talk to that person - I don't. If that is a problem for them - oh well. I have pictures of my parents all over the house. Some recent ones on the fridge. Sometimes I smile when I see them to remember the times we had and other times I just sigh and shake my head in disbelief. Also, when mom died, that was all we had to deal with (as if that's not enough). Now, since they are both gone, we have the house, estate, financial affairs, etc. It's all too overwhelming!!!!! I would gladly give it all away to have my precious parents here again. I'm sure your daddy, along with my mom and dad, are doing wonderfully now. No matter how I try to think of how they feel right now, I get overtaken by how I feel. I really can't even see any day that I will be "ok" ever again. I don't want to be negative but it's just reality. I'm so sorry for your loss and send you many hugs today, tomorrow AND always. 2sweetgirls

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, Lostdaughter. I will be coming up on the one year anniversary of my mom's death on Nov 30. My dad also died on Oct 4, 2010. For my mom, we were all in denial and even though she was in hospice it was supposed to be only until my dad recovered from an operation and was able to go and get her to bring her home. No one made it to be with her when she died, too, and I have had real trouble with that. She died on the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend. My family and I decided to travel 4 hours to see my in-laws for that weekend. Why didn't I go to see my mom? Why couldn't I get in touch with a dr until Mon. when it became too late to make it? My brother and I also live out of state. But, I did speak to her on the phone and told her that we were coming and to hold on and that we all love her VERY VERY MUCH. She passed away only a couple hours later. Maybe that is what she needed to hear. I did have enough courage to ask if she was alone and they told me that they knew the end was near and a volunteer was with her when she passed. That information doesn't make me feel a whole lot better because it was a stranger instead of someone who actually knew her and loved her. I really don't believe that she wanted us to see her that way. I regret not being there but, feel that I was given the opportunity for the other side of the coin with my dad and can't decide which way is better. Actually, nothing is "better" but I am just trying to make sense of it all. We were all there and watching him decline day after day until he couldn't interact with us anymore and just slept is not any easier. I can't seem to get that vision out of my dead. I know that is is still "fresh", whatever that means, but, still the same it is forever embedded in my memory. What I am trying to say is either way you think about it, it is painful and they are all in a better place now. I really feel now, having experienced both of my parents dying, that no matter if you had made it you would have different regrets. I'm sure your dad, self esteem issues and all, now knows you were jumping many hurdles to make it to him. I wish you peace and send you hugs. 2sweetgirls

Hello Kathy, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mom. I wish I had more to say than I'm sorry but, simply we all know there is nothing else to say. I lost my mom in Nov 2009 and just lost my dad Oct 4, 2010. My brother and I live in 2 entirely different states from my parents and we are left with cleaning and selling the house, deciding what to do with all their things also. My dad asked me, after mom died, what do I think we will do with the house when he's gone. I told him that I thought we would sell it because it would be too painful to keep. He said I could understand that because since mom died it has been hard to stay here. My brother and I will be flying to meet each other to clear it out over Veteran's Day weekend. I called the hospice and found out that they have a store which they will sell items donated and all proceeds go to the hospice where mom AND dad spent their last days and eventually died. We put the house up for sale and received an offer in a week. I feel that, in this market, mom and dad had to have something to do with that. We went though almost all of the paperwork. Dad kept everything, birth certificates, old passport photos, his drafting tools and even their Naturalization papers - they looked so young and innocent. Where are those wonderful people? I like to think they are in a better place - paradise. I feel sad to sell it and sad to keep it - I am torn. I think I need to sell it so I can go on with "the process". I really can't stand those two words. The beautiful memories we had with my parents are forever emblazened in my mind so I don't have to keep it to remember them. Anyway, Kathy, I hope that you will take your time and keep what you find dear in you heart. If you are in question wheather to keep it or not - keep it and make a decision later when you can be more clear headed. Once it's gone to someone else, you don't have that chance again. big hugs to you, Kathy. 2sweetgirls

Niamh, loulou, butterfly9, Ron B, KJO, Marty, I have read your replies many many times. Even though you can not hug me in person, I feel it when I read your words to me. I am grateful for that AND you. I wish I could write more but, I am so inundated with grief, dad and mom's estate, grief, their belongings, grief, lawyers, grief, etc. (you get the picture) I have no time or the will, honestly, to really write all my feelings. My brother and I are planning to fly to their house and clean it out next month. I feel sick!!! I have to say this, too, I am sick and tired of people saying it will get better in time. AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I want to scream SHUT UP!!!! Maybe it's better to not say anything at all. But we all know that is not the truth either. I just had to vent and thank you all for your support. 2sweetgirls

Thank you all so much. It is true, Ron B, that our parents are not perfect but, when they are gone, it doesn't matter anymore and you forget all their inperfections. Before dad died (I can't believe I'm writing this), I was really anticipating the one year anniversary of my mom's death and now THIS!!!!???? WHY!!!!!! I told my husband last night that I'm in this deep hole and I can't reach the rope to make my way out. That is really how I feel. My friends are besides themselves with what they can do for me. Frankly, I want to disappear. The tunnel I am in has NO light at the end. It is completely dark. This time the experience was different. We all made it to be by dad's side and even though he couldn't do more than grunt he could make eye contact and he was very aware of our presence. When he began to decline even more, my brother had several conversations with him to allow him to "go". I couldn't bring myself to do it until I realized he was waiting for me to say it too. So with a heavy heart I had the conversation with him. He had his eyes open and when I was talking they filled up with tears and then he closed his eyes and slept for the next 3 days until he passed. I don't wish all of this on my worst enemy. AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is all just too much for me. I just can't write anymore. 2sweetgirls

My dad passed away 10 days ago, 10 months after mom. I can't even describe how I feel. I think the best words are numb, sick and alone. My husband, brother and friends are great but I still feel alone. Gotta go. 2sweetgirls

Thank you,em2009. My brother and I are really hurt but, we love our dad. Even though it is almost impossible sometimes to even fathom this whole situation, I now know how it feels to lose a parent (the one I was SOOOOOOO close to, my mom) and not be able to take back some things I said or did in the past. His indiscretions are between him and the Lord and he will have to answer to him one day. I will be a good person and try the best I can deal with it. My husband is incredibly supportive and we talk often about how I (and he) feels. We have been married for 13 years and my mom was like a second mom to him. Even though it is not the same, he loved her too. I have told my dad that I will not come back to the house where my mom and him lived. My mom chose that house and everything in it. It screams her name when you walk in. I can't handle that. She was the one that brought joy to us when we went there. Even my husband says that he would not be able to go back. Also, since I know that this woman is "playing house" in my mom's house with him, I REALLY can't and won't do it. My dad has traveled to my house and we all traveled to my brothers house so I am still seeing him without the possibility of her "popping over". If that ever happened my temper and pain would just be unleashed in a malignant and unexplainable way. So, I will stay away. I still talk to dad a few times a week and as long as he doesn't mention her or "we" I can try to put it aside for now. But today is today and only the Lord knows what tomorrow holds. One day at a time. Thank you so much, em2009 for writing. It really does help to read other people's perspective on such a difficult subject. 2sweetgirls

Thank you so much for replying, Kavash and Window. I understand that this is a really tough subject to reply to but, I appreciate the words of encouragement. I have thought about not being able to take back what I have said, if I said it, since the beginning and not being able to forgive myself for saying it. But, I just couldn't take it anymore and the other day I had a "talk" with dad. You see it is impossible to forget since he says "we" when he talks. The only "we" that exists for me is my MOM and him. I couldn't deal with the in my face disrepect so I addressed it. I half expected him to really tell me to take a flying leap but, in fact he was really the opposite and was apologetic. For now, I can go on for a while. I told him what I feel that he is being disrepectful toward me. I do not accept the other person and it really bothers me that she has been in my mother's house so soon after her death. I made it clear that I do not want to hear about her and what they do together. I know she is there but, don't want it in my face. He says that he doesn't want his children to feel this way towards him. So, I capitalized on that and said "don't make me feel this way". I'm not sure he completely gets it. I said some harsh things to get him to understand how serious I am. I am a 40 year old woman and deserve respect - even from my own father. We are fine now for the moment. I feel like a split personality - sometimes feeling sorry for him and his health and other times so betrayed I can't see straight. It's a hard place to be. Thank you so much for giving me your advice. I really do appreciate it. 2sweetgirls

Well, hello all, I have not been frequenting this site lately because, frankly, sharing and reading has helped tremendously and hurt just as much sometimes. I needed a break and just to be alone for a while. I hope I make sense..... There has been an issue that we inadvertently found out about a couple of days after my mom passed on (even before we could lay her to rest)..........my dad has had a "friend" for 9 years before mom died. We believe mom just wanted us to know because the wierd sequence of events that led to finding out were incredible. I feel sick over this and can't seem to get passed it. This person that is supposed to be my dad feels like a stranger to me. He has Prostate cancer that isn't getting any better, in fact it has spread throughout his body but he is still fighting it. There are so many things going on in my head I feel like I am going to explode. It is a really long story but, I spoke to this woman on the phone shortly after mom died and she gave me a lot of information that dad has not and probably would never have shared. I am so mixed up!!!! I love my dad but, I just don't like him for what he did and continues to do. My family and I traveled to see my brother and his wife and dad came too. It was a great time (not the same without mom she was dearly missed) Dad was trying to coax us all to his house next time. We all know that he is trying to get us to meet and accept HER. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I am having a really hard time lately talking to him because frankly I'm really angry. To add to this I feel like it is shadowing the death of my mom and I can't grieve the way I think I should have because of this situation. I flip flop on a daily basis on whether to let him have it or let it go. I don't know if I can let it go. Mom told me in a dream after I told her that "I was so mad I wanted to eat him up alive" to "let HER eat him up alive". I have no clue what that means. Anyway, I'm sorry fot the rambling I just had to get it off my chest. I'll write more soon. Thank you all, as always, for listening. 2sweetgirls

Hello momof4, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom 7 months ago. There are times I am so busy and distracted by my 2 kids that I think to myself "wow am I finally getting past all this"? Impossible!!! This website is wonderful. I think that if I didn't find this site, I might have just absolutely lost my mind. It's crazy....I was reading your story while my 9 year old sits nearby behind me. I was absolutely quiet with tears streaming down my face when she came over to me and started rubbing my back to console me. How did she know? I don't break down often at all in front of my kids but, I think it's a learning lesson for her - being 9 she will remember the loss of her grandma forever. Maybe she'll remember how she saw me act when it's her time to grieve and feel that she is normal. I don't know, just a babbling thought. I was not able to be with my mom either when she passed. She was in hospice while my dad was having major surgery and was supposed to go and bring her home after he recovered - he never made it. We live far from each other. I didn't get word from the Dr. until that day that he gave her 3 - 5 days. 3 - 5 days?!!! I was shocked. Looking back I don't know why I was shocked. My family and I went into action and were on the plane as soon as possible. We were too late. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. She came to me in a dream and told me she was ok and was smiling. It was a wonderful dream but, how do I let go of the guilty feelings? Having grown up catholic it hard to let go of the guilt. I don't think it will ever go away until she can tell me herself "face to face". I think it is great that you were with your mom and made her comfortable in her last days. I'm sure she really appreciated it. I can't help but think of the story you told about your mom lifting up the blanket to let you in after having a bad dream. My mom would actually fall asleep with me and if I would wake up in the night, she would come and lay with me in my bed until I feel asleep again. This would happen many times a night, everynight. She never complained. I sure do miss her. I really does seem unreal at times. Anyway, welcome to this site and hope to be reading more posts from you soon. Always remember you are definitely NOT alone. 2sweetgirls

I'm so sorry, Wendy, for the loss of your sweet Larry. Your title caught my attention so I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your pain. I have no clue what it feels like to lose a spouse but loss of someone so special is hard. I lost my mom almost seven months ago and 3 weeks into it seems like it was 100 years ago and just yesterday at the same time. It is a bumpy road and I hope that you will keep coming to this website to rant, rave, anyhting you feel at the moment. It really does help to read other peoples feelings and realize that you are "normal" and not going crazy. We all here are experiencing our own grief and can relate in some way. Although each persons grief is unique and no one will say that they feel exactly as you do. But, I can understand the anger and the feeling of crawling into bed and just crying until you just can't anymore. I was so angry in the beginning that I lost what I thought was a really good friend (over 20 years). I found myself nodding when you said that Larry would not be in the same place as his dad. I agree. Larry knew that if you had any idea of the outcome that you would have driven to every McDonalds in the area or anywhere to get him what he wanted. I wish I had magic words to make it all better but, simply there aren't any. I'm so sorry!!! BTW, I agree totally - It does suck. Hugs to you today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls

Dear Jim, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain and heartache you must feel. My heart goes out to you, Arianna, your son-in-law and all. Jennifer was so young. I, myself, turned 40 on 6/10. I have two children and can't even imagine the feelings you are going thru. I lost my mom almost 7 months ago, although pain is pain and can't be compared, I can't imagine yours. Unfortunately, I live clear across the country on the east coast and can't offer any information on help in your area. I think that you can probably call your local hospice which may have bereavment services appropriate for your young granddaughter. I think it is important to keep talking to her about her mommy and she will always feel close to her. I'm sure Jennifer has her arms wrapped around Arianna and won't ever let go. Welcome to this site. If anything at all, it's a great place to write down your feelings and have someone listen and relate in some way. It has been a Godsend for me. Peace and hugs to you and your family. 2sweetgirls

I am so sorry that your family has made you feel that way. It is unfortunate that in such a hard time people, even family, can be so inconsiderate. I think it's a good idea to be able to speak to them about it when you are ready. I understand the Leper thing. I remember in the beginning that I felt like I had a contagious disease because no one called me except only one friend called me on a daily basis even though I told her not to. No one else called until later. It is a feeling I never expected. What is the right thing to do really? The anger is a difficult part of grief, at least for me. I was really angry in the beginning at EVERYONE. If you looked at me the wrong way could set me off on a tangent. Even lost what I thought was a really good friend over it - guess not. It comes in waves. Still angry at times but, it's different. Can't explain how it just is. I don't understand the "time heals all wounds" saying. The wound doesn't heal - it just isn't bleeding as much. That's how I see it. I give you lots of credit for going through your mom's room and packing it up. I spend 5 upsetting days in her and my dads house after she passed on and my dad was recovering from surgery. I left a few hours after the funeral. I haven't been back since and don't think I can go back. My dad came to my house a couple months ago and we will all be traveling to my brother's house in a couple of weeks so I don't feel like I'm not seeing my dad. My brother and I went through mom's things but, didn't move any clothes, personal belonging, etc. As far as my dad says, it is the same way she left it. I think it gives him some peace. We live far from each other so I wouldn't be able to just jump in the car and go. I hope the walk helped a bit. Hugs sent your way. 2sweetgirls

Niamh, sweet friend, I wish more than anything that I had something to say that would make it all better but, we both know it's not possible. I feel sad for you and reading this post makes me sad for everyone as we all struggle in our grief. I hope you can have "moments" of hopefulness in the middle of all this crap. Sorry but, this whole grief thing really sucks!!!! Hugs to you!!! 2sweetgirls

Hi Alison, I'm so so sorry that you lost your mom. I lost mine almost 7 months ago. Honestly, I don't even remember how I felt at two months after. I think numb is the right word. Roller coaster is a good description too. I am also sorry that you are seperated from your husband. I hope you have family, friends, anyone that you can talk to freely whenever you need or want to. Anyway, you have this web site. Someone is always here to listen and relate in some way. I, sincerely, hope that you will be reunited with your husband before Christmas. It seems like such a long time from now. Welcome to this site. It has helped me tremendously and I hope it does the same for you. Sending hugs your way. 2sweetgirls

Hi Niamh, As I wipe the tears that flow from my eyes, the words to that song are perfect. I wish I could bring your daddy back, my mom and everyone else's too. I do think it was a sign that your dad knows all you are going through but, he is peaceful now. I think it's all how you look at it and I choose to see it that way. Hugs to you today and always. 2sweetgirls P.S. The "Old man" expression is used in the states too.

Thank you all for being so loving and comforting. Butterfly9, I am so sorry about your dad. The "slipping back" days are hard. I do imagine my mom with a big smile one her face. I see her face everyday in my 23 month old - it's ironic. Benpm, you can have a pity party with us. We'll listen. Loulou, I get mad when I see old people too. I thought that was just me. Niamh, I haven't received any message regarding my birthday yet but, still waiting. SHeiss, As always, I am here to listen too. Thank you all again. I really needed the support and as usual, I can count on all of you. Have a wonderful night. 2sweetgirls

Oh my lord. Thank you all so much. This is the first time I came to this website today. I am so surprised. Thank you, Lila for starting it. That is so sweet. Also,thank you to all of you who sent me best wishes for my birthday and everyone else too. The day started off a bit rocky (my 9 year old had to console me this morning while I cried over my coffee) but the day got better. My friend came over brought gifts, flowers, lunch, cake and, most of all, her ear and some humanity and wonderful friendship. We laughed. We cried. She saved me today. I called my dad this morning, as I do every day, and when he answered the phone he yelled "Happy Birthday, baby" in his Italian accent. Really cute. I enjoyed a nice dinner with my family and that was nice too. Instead of cake, we had ice cream cones on the patio. My husband planned a family trip to celebrate my birthay, which we will go on in August. The baby just learned how to say "I love you, mommy" so I enjoyed coaxing it out of her all day. A gift for sure. Thank you all so much again. I am really touched. 2sweetgirls

I hope you are able to get some rest. I definitely know how it is with young children. My 23 mo. old is a climber so I can't leave her alone for a second even to go to the restroom. The last time I did that she pushed a large, heavy floor lamp down onto the floor - what a mess. Oh BOY!!!!! Do you have anyone that can give you a few hour break so you can rest? I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm glad to be "involved". Please keep me posted. Talk to you soon.

Ben, I'm so sorry for the feelings you are having. In addition to all the other charities mentioned, you can also call the Veterans Association. They call me weekly asking for any type of donation. I actually donated a few weeks ago. Just left the items on the front porch and they came and took it. I'm sure if you mention that there are larger items, they will accomodate you. You can feel better about people in need taking care of your mom's belongings instead of it winding up in a landfill. Take care of yourself and try to stay strong. Keep sharing. Hugs to you!!! 2sweetgirls