2sweetgirls

Hello Niamh, I'm glad the group seems to "help" a bit. I hope your mom finds a friend too. After 7 weeks, hopefully that will happen for her. My group was a 4 week group which we all felt was too short. After 4 weeks you kind of become a small family. We all gave permission to the grief counselor to write up all our phone numbers and mail them to our homes so we can keep in touch. We all hugged at the end and were genuinely sorry it was over. This was a special group on education on the processes of grief. There are 2 ongoing groups but, I didn't go to those because the times didn't work for me. Now that this is done, my husband asked if it was helping. I do feel like it is so he is going to try to work it out so I can go to the ongoing group twice a month. The group is run by my local hospice grief counselor and a volunteer who has suffered the loss of her husband. The counselor speaks a bit but mostly she lets everyone speak - it was a chatty group. Then she will comment on what was said. The first 3 groups were run like that but, the last meeting she played music at the end and we all got up to light a candle for our loved one(s) - heartbreaker. I think it's just easier to say "ok" when someone asks you how you are. What are we supposed to do? Cry and be miserable all the time to our friends? I feel like I'm a burden so I just say "hanging in there" when someone asks. Except for really close friends I can be "real" with them. Still, I don't want to be a downer ALL the time. As time goes on, I feel that I can hide my grief better. It's not better, I can just keep it to myself. Sad, really. I'm glad you and your mom went last night and that you feel good about it. One moment at a time, right? Hugs to you and your mom 2sweetgirls

Hello Wiseserenity, I am so sorry for the rough year and the loss of your parents, job and relationship. I wish I had some advice to give you but, I find myself in a similar situation with the loss of my parents 10 months apart. Mom died 11-09 and dad 10-10. Talk of their death was never a tabu subject in our house growing up - we all actually joked about it. Looking back I think it was their way of preparing us. Little did I know how utterly difficult it would be. Sometimes I feel ok and other times the wave crashes over me and leads me to sea. I'm sorry that you were not close to them as you might have wanted to be. Also, I'm sorry for the lack of help from your brother. I'm glad you had help with the financials because that in itself can be soooooo overwhelming. I am glad (for lack of better words) that the estate stuff is done. It was extremely difficult to focus on, in addition to, my children, husband, everyday life, not to mention, grief. I wish I had better words to say to you. Just know that this site is filled with compassionate people who have had or still have similar experiences. I would be in a hole somewhere without it. Peace to you. 2sweetgirls

Hello mom2jared, Well, I have experienced something similar with my dad, not exactly the same, but similar. I will try to keep it short. Mom passed 11-30-09. The day after her death when my brother and I, along with our families, flew to where they lived, my dad was in the hospital recovering from major surgery where they discovered stage 4 prostate cancer. We, inadvertently, found out that dad had a "friend" for 9 years. NINE years - I still can't believe it. Well, needless to say, it was extremely difficult. I'm not sure how different it is for you since your dad found someone AFTER your mom had passed but, all the same, it's a new person where you are used to and want to see your mom. We, my brother and I, had a hard time getting dad to tell us the truth about the whole relationship and, in fact, he really lied about it all up until his death in Oct. 10. I forgive him. We got all the information about it from her. I confronted him on many occasions to "get it off my chest". He was always insisting that he loved my mother dearly and she was just a friend. I have to say that before mom died she and I would speak at least 4 times a week and afterwards he really did keep that up. I feel that he wanted to speak to me but, we didn't talk much about her. He would say things sometimes like "we" and "us", which was eating me up alive until I took my husbands advice and really just exploded. He and I felt much better and we both agreed to respect each other. The only thing I can say, from my own experience is, maybe your dad feels guilty or strangely about letting you into his "new world" with out your mother. Maybe you can say that you would like to spend more time with him and would like to meet his girlfriend too. The bottom line is having dealt with your mom's death, you may be saying to yourself how long do I have with my dad? I'm not trying to put words into your mouth. I guess I am really telling you what I was thinking at the time. My reality is that I only had 10 months and I am satisfied with how it was all addressed. Was the situation perfect? NO. But, all things considered, I'm somewhat at peace with it. I have no idea if I helped at all. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom and the issues with your dad. Peace to you. 2sweetgirls

I am so proud of you, Niamh!!! This is a huge step in trying to heal - even if it's just a bit for now. I am glad you decided to go even though your mom was not attending. I have been going to a support group for two weeks now. It is also a small room with 12 people crammed into it. That kinda made me feel a bit uncomfortable too. The first week I couldn't talk. The counselor gave us the opportunity to speak but, if you don't want to, you don't have to. The second week I was ready. I found it difficult to tell the story while looking in anyones eyes. I started to say how just utterly angry, downright furious, I am at times, looked up, and almost everyone was nodding. Instantly, I felt "better". I think this web forum group is wonderful and I would be in a very different place with out all of you here. But going to a face to face group has made me feel a different kind of comfort . Just seeing the nodding and I don't know, the look in someones eye just adds to making me understand my grief better through others understanding and giving me affirmation that I can see. Anyway, I'm glad you had a good experience. 2sweetgirls

hello123, I am so glad my crazy honest moment cheered you up AND put a smile one your face beacause I was cringing at my words while I pressed the "Add Reply" button. Take care and peace to you. (((((hugs))))) 2sweetgirls

Well, hello123, I have to be honest. Please take it with a grain of salt. Firstly, let me say I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I have read all the posts. Although I do agree with what everyone has said I have to add something from the other side of the coin. If she feels it's a competition, it's not worth it as far as I am concerned. I think we are all just surviving day to day with the "grief work" we are doing. This all sounds like too much extra energy that frankly, I, for one, do not have. I'm not sure about you. I feel like it's a no brainer. If she can't realize that it is TOTALLY a different story, and is going to have the audacity to actually get into a "discussion" about it, it's just not worth it. To me, there is a difference between someone who doesn't know what to say, says the wrong thing or might not ask because they are uncomfortable and a person who is actually minimizing your grief to make hers superior. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she has dealt with saddness and stress over her mom having cancer, treatment, etc. and I'm not trying to take that away from her but, really? My parents, before they died, had various types of cancer through the years and it is stressful and worrysome. Needless to say, it's different. I think when she actually looses her mom (and I am not at all wishing for that to happen), she will have an "ah ha" moment. Until then I'm not sure I would be able to hang with her. That's just me. Maybe I'm having a "day" but, I think it's really wrong. I hope you can understand what I have said. I am not really good at putting my feelings into words so I hope this comes across as I meant it. I apologize if it didn't. Peace to you today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls.

I so understand the anger and wanting to throw your clenched fists into the air and just scream "WHY?!!!!" To whom you are screaming doesn't even matter. I nodded many times while reading your post. Try to take care. 2sweetgirls

I hate to be the 3rd person to bear the bad news but, I must agree with Jodi and Niamh. I am 14 months and 4 months since mom then dad passed. In the early months, numbness set in and I just went through the motions then it changed for me, at some point, into disbelief. I ask myself often "Is this it? I'm never going to see them again?" The questions run through my head all the time. I think as more time goes by you begin to realize its finality. I am told that the pain never goes away, it just changes. Changes into what? I wish I knew. You can come to this site and share anytime. It does seem to help knowing that someone, anyone has or does feel similarly as you. Peace to you. 2sweetgirls

Cowboy daughter, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear dad. As has been said many times, there are no words of comfort. I lost my parents 10 months apart - mom 11-09, dad 10-10. They spoke about the day they were going to die for as long as I can remember - even as a little girl. Thinking back, I think they were trying to be light and airy about it, as well as in their own way, trying to prepare us. Well, I truly believe one can NEVER be prepared for such a life-changing event. I can relate to it hitting you at the oddest moments. I comes on when ever it wants to, with no warning. That loss of control is hard for me because I am naturally a very emotional person. If it touches me heart, I automatically get choked up. I am not a control freak but, don't want to be uncontrolably crying in front of strangers either. I am so sorry that your mom chooses to handle her grief this way. I'm sure it hurts even more. You have us to turn to and write whatever you are feeling. I can't and won't guarantee anything as far as grief goes but, I will guarantee that, at least, one person will be shaking their head in agreeement and affirmation when they read a post. Sending hugs and peace to you. 2sweetgirls

lostinthought, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. He sounds like a special person. I'm so sorry you had to deal with the arrangements and with family who didn't act how you thought they should. I lost my mom 11-09 and my dad 10-10. It is still really hard at times. The pain is always there, I'm just much better at hiding it in front of people. To answer your question of "What's wrong with me?" - the answer is absolutely nothing at all. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Everyones grief is different with different circumstances (extended family) but the loss is hard to deal with. The anger is difficult. I feel so angry sometimes I have to excuse myself in order to gather myself. My husband has been great but, sometimes I come out of left field and start something. He starts to get into it with me until he realizes (you can actually see the expression on his face change) that it's just the grief coming out - then he backs off. I hope that you are able to express yourself to your husband and make him realize the this is DARN HARD. Hopefully, he'll start to understand. Honestly, before this horror happened to me, I could empathize with others but, couldn't truly understand. My husband lost his grandparents when he was a young adult and remembers how he felt, in addition to watching him mom "deal" with it. So, he hates watching me drowning in this whole thing. I hope you keep coming to this website and sharing or just reading. You will realize that what you are feeling, as crazy as you feel it is, is normal. Wishing you peace today, tomorrow and always. 2sweeetgirls

Anne3, I am so sorry for the loss of you dear mom. It has been 14 months since mom died and I STILL feel like I can't believe I'm writing it AND living it. On top of it dad died 4 months ago. It's all totally unbelievable. The first 3 or 4 months after mom passed are completely a blur and I don't remember much of it - still. I have to tell you that you have not lost your mind. What you are feeling is all normal. As abnormal as you feel, it's all normal. I can also relate to the feeling of feeling lucky to have your dad, but he is not your mom. I had dad for 10 months after mom died and we were happy for that. Now they are both at peace together in paradise while the people who loved them most are in excrusiating pain. I wish I can stop the pain for all of us but, as mom always said "that's life". I am 40 years old and have had many "ah ha" moments being mother of 2, married, and now an adult orphan. I hope I can prepare my kids for when it is their time to go through this. That really worries me..... Anyway, I am so sorry again. All I can say is keep coming here and writing, reading, venting, sharing, because it really does help. Take care and sending you hugs. 2sweetgirls

Trying2cope, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. It is difficult at any age. I agree with everything that everyone else has said. What you are feeling is completely normal. We have all felt it or still feel it. For me it's been since 11-09 since mom passed and 10-10 since dad passed. I feel like it's still a dream. Can they really be gone? I know they are but, it is so unbelievable to me. I describe my grief - everyones is different - this way: Imagine you're walking on a beach, peacefully, with your feet in the water. All of a sudden a huge wave suddenly, out of nowhere, comes and knocks you down and drags you out to sea. You are under the water struggling to find the ocean floor to get your footing. Only to realize you can't find it. I hope this makes sense but this is how I describe my pain. The feeling of drowning out of nowhere. I agree 110% with Nanasbaby - your child is a blessed distraction. My 2 girls are for me. Actually, when I am having a moment sometimes the 2 1/2 year old will come around the corner and just flash me a smile or say "I love you, mommy". Instantly, I am back and going on for her (them). It makes me smile because the baby looks and acts like my mom. Oh, how they loved both of their grandkids. I can only describe my first months after mom passed as numb. Her death was really the first close family member to pass (I didn't really know my grandparents they lived overseas). I don't really remember much of it all. Now that it has only been a few months since dad passed, I am a little more aware of what is going on since I already had to deal with mom's death. The pain is always there. My husband, who is extremely supportive, tells me that it's all still fresh. If it's still fresh for me at 14 months since mom's death and 4 months since dad's death, it's definitely really fresh for you and a complete shocker. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. You have definitely found the right site. We are like a big family brought together by our own grief. I think I would have been in a different place without it and all the wonderful people who come here and share. It makes you realize that you are not alone in your thoughts. You can share anything - really anything at all - and no one will judge, just support. Sending you big hugs!!!!! 2sweetgirls

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It is totally not fair to lose a parent or both but, at such a young age - It's just not right. I tried to reply a couple of times but, couldn't because it hits me too close to home. I can't help but think of my own children going through such a horrendous pain. Granted, I'm still young but so was your mom. It's scary on a whole new level. My heart just breaks for you, Almosterin. You had a tremendous amount of things on your plate. I commend you for having the responsibility and trying to get it all done. I am so sorry that you had to handle all of that AND the funeral arrangements. That must have been hard. I was lucky that my parents handled all of their own arrangements after they retired. All I had to do was pick the flowers, mass cards and the date. I thought that was hard until I read your post. You should be proud of yourself for doing all of that. You have to handle the estate and all by yourself? Do you have family or a close friend who can help you? Dealing with the grief is one story dealing with the legality of it all is another. You can't possible handle that all on your own. My parents died 10 months apart and they, my brother and I live in 3 different states. My brother and I had a hard time dealing with the house, its sale, its contents, etc. We didn't have that much time because of the distance so we had to make quick decisions. Some I can live with, some I regret. But I think, along with the unbelievable pain and disbelief of it all, comes regret of some kind for all of us. It is hard to work through but hopefully we'll all get there. If you can, try to just focus on one thing at a time. I know that is easy for me to say but, if you can, that might help. Of course you feel devastated, lost, terrified and profoundly sad but, you are NOT the biggest failure. You have been plunged into the depths of pain and grief at no choice of yours. That is a lot for anyone to handle. You did and are doing the best that you can. That is all that any of us can do. You know what? If you become the girl that cries in the library - then so be it. You have to do what you have to do. No one can feel what you feel. Please take your time and take a deep breath. As far as the few people who know and have gone on with their lives, unfortunately, that happens at all ages. I am 40 years old and people have done that to me also. Pretty much if you have never experienced this kind of loss for yourself, it is impossible for you to understand at any age. I put on a "face" in front of people most of the time but, deep down I am broken. It's a lonely place to be. This web site helps, though. I wish I could offer more words of encouragement. I want to say so many things but, just can't find the right words. Please just know that we are all here for the same reasons - we lost a dear loved one. Please keep sharing and reading other peoples stories and hopefully you will realize that you are not alone in this journey. I am sending you a huge (((((((hug))))))). 2sweetgirls

Dear Chantilly, I am so sorry for the loss of you mom. Welcome to this site...it has been a lifeline for me. I don't think I would have had any sanity without it. I have lost both of my parents 10 months apart. You ask "will this pain ever go away?". Everyone is different but, I don't think this pain will ever go away. I'm hoping that somehow, someway, it will just change and become part of us and easier to accept. But I'm not there yet. Shock is probably a really go way to describe it. I still shake my head sometimes in disbelief. I wish I could offer more words but, at the moment, I am at a loss. Anyway, please keep sharing when you can. It really does help to know that someone feels similarly to you. Peace to you today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Tears are STILL streaming down my face, reading your post. It stirs up all the feelings I try to keep aside in my normal day to day life, during the day, nighttime is a different story. Firstly, 3 weeks is not much time at all. You are not expected to be any different than you are now. Everything you ask, everything you say is all very normal. I have and still ask myself these questions. I wish from the depths of my soul that I could answer any of your questions but, if there are any answers, I haven't found them yet. I lost my dear mom 14 months ago and my dear dad 4 months ago. I feel much pain over both losses but, the loss of my mom has made me feel so hopeless, painful, just plain sad. Don't get me wrong I miss my dad terribly and his death only 10 months later has heightened all the pain but, mom's death hit me like a semi coming at full speed then it backs up and hit me again and again. I'm not sure I'll ever recover from that. Oh sure, on the outside, at times, I look like nothing happened but, on the inside I am a shell of the person I used to be. I also thought that I would be prepared for when they passed. My parents always spoke and joked freely about when they died. My brother and I laughed along with them not even having the slightest clue what it would be like. In fact, when they retired, they chose and prepared for their "second home" to which they referred so lovingly to their final resting place. Your mom isn't in pain anymore and I'm sure she definitly knows who you are now and she loves you deeply. I know none of that makes it better. I wish I could make it better. I share that same thought that I would do anything to hear her happy, bubbly voice again. She comes to my dreams but, she doesn't speak only big smiles and many hugs - which I love, of course. Anyway, please come back to this site and write whatever you want, whenever you want. We are all here to listen and support without judging. Peace to you today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls

Well, Niamh, I can definitely understand what you are saying. Unfortunatly, I find myself still in "this time last year" mode. Instead of it being about my mom, it's about my dad. My brother and I are still "handling" the odds and ends of the estate. He received a letter regarding a pension my dad was receiving from Italy when he was in the military. I have been kicking myself lately (since the letter) about not asking more about their lives before they came to America, about not asking more about dad's military duty. He didn't speak much about it so we didn't really ask about it. Now I'll never know. Sometimes, I have a hard time realizing that this is "it" with both of my parents. I say to myself or out loud to my husband "is this really happening - both of them? why? why?" hoping he would say it's not real. I can't imagine living in the same house as you are. My brother and I couldn't imagine ourselves in our parents house without them. That is why we sold it. I am still mixed about the decision sometimes but, what's done is done, right? It HAS to be a whole different story when you are still living in the house of your lost loved one. I can't imagine. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I definitely understand the first year thoughts you have expressed. Peace today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls

I am sooooooo sorry that you are all having such a hard day. I have a 9 year old too. She pretty much puts on a brave face until her daddy comes to put her to bed (I am with the 2 year old). Then she lets it all out and opens up to him. She won't cry in front of me because I think she is protecting me and doesn't want to set me off too. Even though I tell her that no matter what she can talk to me ANYTIME. I pray that you and your kids come through this hard time soon. It is a roller coaster of emotions and so hard for a child (and you too). Peace to you and your precious kids. It's definitely a "process". 2sweetgirls

I definitely understand how you are feeling. Seriously, I don't think any of these feeling will lessen in time. I just really can't see it. As far as your mom knowing she was sicker than she let on. I am, oh, too familiar with that. My parents both would minimize their illnesses. Mom had been sick over the years and always pulled through with flying colors. We all knew she had heart disease and that she wasn't doing well but, I still thought she would pull through like always. I was in major denial. When we realized this was "it", we booked our flights and were on our way when I got the call that she had passed - devastating. I will never forgive myself for not being with this beautiful woman - holding her hand, telling her I love her so much - that would have given me the shirt off her back. Now with dad we had "experience". We booked the flight the minute it seemed that it was taking a turn. He fought a strong fight and wanted to live but, it just wasn't to be. My parents were very big on destiny. In fact, mom came to me in a dream shortly after she died (still unreal to write those words) and told me that this was her destiny. It is still hard to accept. I know that nothing other than your mom being here in this world is acceptable. Of course that's true. I feel it too. My husband keeps saying the same thing as you. There are many horrible people in this world and they are still alive. Why is a great question. I wish I had the answer for you. All I can do is listen and share my thoughts. Hopefully, you can feel a bit of comfort. I am so sorry for your pain. Please take care. Sending you a great big hug ((((((())))))) 2sweetgirls

Bellarosa, I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. It is a difficult thing to deal with. I have lost both of my parents within 10 months of each other - mom 11/30/09 and dad 10-4-10. I have 2 children and they keep me busy but, I struggle with the whole finality of it all. I am so sorry you had to find your mom in the condition she was in. It's a good thing that you live so close to your dad. I'm sure he appreciates seeing you often. I'm sorry your mom had to endure all the "therapy" and that you had to watch it all happen. These images play like a movie in my head and I just can't get rid of them no matter how I try. I am told it gets better in time. I just don't believe a word of it right now. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer on the day my mom died. He only lasted another 10 months despite the aggresive chemo also. So many side effects that I thought often that maybe stopping it completely would have been better to have some quality then to suffer through the short time he had left. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and we were hopeful,at the time, that he could last a bit longer to enjoy us and his 2 grandkids and us to enjoy him. As far as you having kids and your mom enjoying them - when it does happen she will enjoy them, just from up above. I know that is no consolation right now but, I do believe it's true. It helps me to think they are in a much better place, not suffering anymore and smiling down on us. Although, sometimes I have moments of feeling like "what about me left here to deal with this"? Very mixed..... Everyone handles their grief differently so I won't tell you how to handle yours - that's for sure. I haven't taken any meds and I do feel hopeless, depressed and just down at times. I just feel like in order to get through this horrible grief "process", I have to deal with it head on. I hope that this site can help you with it all also. I feel that writing it down and reading others posts helps tremendously to make you feel like you are not alone and feeling like you're going crazy. Anyway, please keep coming and sharing/reading when you think you can. Peace today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls

I am so sorry about the loss of your grandfather. Loss of a loved one so dear is a hard thing. I am also sorry that your mom chose to deal with her grief by drinking. Where does that leave you? Do you belong to a church or is there a teacher or guidance counselor you trust that you can talk to? Maybe one of your friends parent? At the very least, you are definitely in the right place here. You can say whatever you feel, whenever you want. I have been on this site for almost a year and it has helped tremendously. Everyone handles grief differently. No one can tell you that you handled it in a wrong way. It is a hard thing to deal with. The important thing to remember is that you have to deal with it, at some point, in your own time in order to move on and accept it. That is a hard thing too. I think the more you talk/write, the better it will be for you. Please keep writing when you feel you can or need to. 2sweetgirls

Hazleprew, I must have missed your post somehow when I read last but, I had to reply now. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. The experience sounds horrible on top of the pain already felt. We had the opposite experience with dad-his primary Dr. actually kissed him on the forehead after he signed the order to send him to Hospice. My brother can't get that image out of his head (this happened before I arrived at the hospital). It makes the whole loss of a dear loved one that much harder when there are so many other things that cloud your mind. I'm so sorry!!! Peace today, tomorrow and always 2sweetgirls

Yorky, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mom. I lost both of my parents within 10 months time. There is never a "good age" for a loved one to pass. It is painful no matter what. This is said to you because people simply don't know what to say. It is unfortunate but, I really do believe that there is never the right thing to say and if someone doesn't say anything at all that is not right either. It is completely a lose lose situation. The anger is a normal part of this whole stinking process. I have said some nasty horrible things to my husband that I NEVER would have said before but, I opened my mouth and all the deep down from the bottom of my soul feelings came pouring out directed but, indirectly, at him. Luckily, he handled me the right way. The anger is hard but normal. I wish I had a magic formula for what to say or do to make it all better, we both know, I don't. All I can say is I'm sorry and all that you are feeling is "normal". Cat_lady, First of all, so sorry for the loss of your mom and your dad 11 years ago. Welcome to this site. You can rest easily that all of us on this site have experienced or are experiencing what you are feeling at some time or another. You can write ANYTHING and we will not judge. I will also venture to say that at least a couple of people will be shaking their heads in front of their computer because of similar feelings. Please keep sharing when you can. Peace to all. 2sweetgirls

WOO HOO!!!!!! Melissa is smiling down on you. THAT is wonderful news!!!! Kudos to you for all your courage and determination. Hugs to you!!! 2sweetgirls

I am happy the infection is under control. I am hoping the root canal goes well too. These types of things sneak up on you sometimes. I actually logged on today to see how the parole hearing went. I want to give you all the strength I can muster up. Please let us all know that you were successful in keeping this person where he belongs. Sending you peace, strength and courage. 2sweetgirls

I am at a loss for words but, I just want to let you know that I have read your post and feel deeply for you. This man, (I use the word extremely loosely) should be in jail for the rest of his life. I am so sorry for your loss of Melissa, to suicide on Christmas, I can't imagine the "what ifs". Also, for what she had endured. I'm not going to try to understand. I just want to support you in your difficult journey. Blessings and courage are the perfect words. 2sweetgirls