2sweetgirls

I have been having a particularly hard time these past couple of days. I just can't bear the fact that a new year is starting without mom and now dad. I feel myself moving further and further from myself. I am tired of putting on a face for everyone while I'm dying on the inside. What about me?! I am distant, at times, angry, deeply, deeply sad. My kids keep me busy and ,yes, laughing most of the time. My brother, on the other hand has no kids. He is trying just like me to muttle though but, I can hear the deep sadness in his voice. He is kind of your sterotypical man. He bottles up his feelings even though you can see it in his face and hear it in his voice. I have to say that he does speak about it when he is ready which seems to be when he is talking to me. We are holding on to each other for dear life. I try to be upbeat and positive for him. So, I smile and go on for my kids, my brother, people who don't want to or can't deal with my grief, etc.....It's exhausting. I can't stand the "it'll get better" saying. HOW?!!!! I just can't see it. Why can't I see it?!!! I want to desperately. Please put me out of my misery. At least something to strive for. But this better business is a bunch of crap. How can it possibly be better? Ever. Yesterday, my husband came home early from work and I just went into the bed and cried my eyes out. Anyway, just wanted to get it off my chest. Peace to all. 2sweetgirls

I feel your pain too. This is a characterisic of grief that really sends me for a loop. One moment I'm "ok" and the next whatever emotion is going to him me hits me like a 2 ton truck. I wish, for me, that I could just take baby steps forward instead of one step forward two steps back. Hello123, please have some peace, if you can. If you need to beat the stuffing out of a pillow and scream, that sounds good too. Take care. 2sweetgirls

Oh Sweetpea, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mom. It has only been a bit over a year since mom died and only a bit over 2 months since dad died. Pretty much numbness is what has carried me through. I agree with Niamh, minute by minute it how is has to be dealt with. The holidays are awful. Crying is a good thing to get out the emotion. I'm so sorry I don't have any better advice. I wish I did for all our sakes. Anyway, please know that we are all here for the same reasons - loss of a loved one. It has been a comfort to me to know that I am not going crazy and that someone else, anyone, has felt similarly. Peace to you today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls

I want to welcome you to this site, W. I'm so sorry for your loss and the insensitivity from your mom. Honestly, I don't know what you have experienced and contintue to experience because I can't even let myself go to the deep dark place of losing a child. I am the mother of 2 beautiful girls. I can't express enough how sorry I am for your loss. I tip my hat to your husband. He said what NEEDED to be said. It is nice knowing he is in your corner. As far as the relationship with your mom,I'm sorry for that too. Sometimes it is difficult for people to wear someone else's shoes - even one's mom. Nine years ago also, I had my first baby 10 weeks prematurely. She spent 9 weeks in the hospital with a clear uncertainty that she would be normal muchless make it through. W, I was lucky and she is a smart and beautiful young lady. My mom (God rest her soul) didn't understand the loneliness and fear my husband and I felt. We worked it out shortly afterwards and everything was ok. I want to send you the most genuine hug bacause I know it has to be beyond hard. We are a family here at this site. Personally, I would be a basket case without it. Peace to you today, tomorrow and always 2sweetgirls

I competely, with all of my being, believe that our loved ones come to us in dreams to communicate. A few months after my mom passed I had my first dream of her early Easter morning. I never saw her face, just her from behind. She was closing the blinds in a brightly lit room. She always loved bright, light places so this was strange to me. I said "Ma, what are you doing"? Next thing I knew I was on a three way phone converstion with her and dad (he was still alive at the time). He was saying "why did you leave us we miss you so much" and she said "I know but this is my destiny". She sounded at peace and happy. I have no idea why I asked her this question but, I asked "how is it up there in Heaven"? she went silent and the dream ended. I told my dad the next morning and we just cried together. Heartshattering. I had a few more dreams that were both disturbing and heartwarming but the last one I had was about 1 week or so ago where mom AND dad came together. Neither of them said a word but, the usual twinkle in their eyes of love and the warm hug from mom that I have missed so much felt really good. I woke up to cry and smile all at the same time. I feel like they came to let me know they are together and they love me so much and everything is ok. I wish I could be ok from now on but, I don't even know what "ok" is anymore. I felt ok for that moment. I definitly think that your dad visited you in your dream. How else would the #40 come up when you didn't know the actual size of the headstone? I think we all know we should try to "move on with our lives" and in many ways we are or, at least, trying the best way we can. I think your dad is trying to help you along. That, to me, is beautiful. I hope you keep having those wonderful dreams filled with lots of HUGE hugs from your dad. I believe he is right there with you. Peace to you. 2sweetgirls

I am so sorry for all of your pain. It is overwehlming to have many things happen at the same time. I lost both of my parents within 10 months of each other. I still am in disbelief about it. When mom died, I was in terrible pain but, I focused all the energy I could into dad. He was in surgury and diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer the day that mom died. I called him everyday and we would talk. My dad was a great man but, we didn't have the relationship that many others describe "daddy/daughter". I don't want to make it sound that we weren't close, I just wasn't calling him for advice. I had that closeness with my mom. But, when she died, dad and I became closer. Kind of like holding on to each other for support and love. We talked about many things that maybe we wouldn't have done otherwise. I cherish those times with him. He was always excited to hear my voice as I was to hear his. The death of my mother hit us all REALLY hard. Now that dad is gone too, I am left to "feel" all the things I stuffed down into my gut for a year. It's indescribible to someone who has not experienced it. I agree totally - how does something so natural as losing one's parent(s) seem so wrong? I understand all the questions, I have them too. I wish I had answers for you but, I don't even have them for myself. I'm sorry to say that you are right, things don't get better, they are just forever "different". It's ok to ask questions, Bleu. You have every right to have them. Please keep writing when you feel you can and we will do what we can to help and support. Peace to you today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls

Thank you for writing, Pam. Welcome to the site. I am so sorry for your loss. I have to tell you that as I read about your experience 34 years ago, I cried and had to walk away from the computer because I so want to believe that mom and dad are in that beautiful place just waiting for me when it's my time. More and more, I DO believe it. Thank you for sharing. Bleu-berry, your post is just exactly what I have been hearing from the people that are on this show. They can't all be wrong, right? I want to believe they are right. It makes me feel just a smidge better. Peace to all. 2sweetgirls

Oh, Niamh sweety, I'm so so so sorry that you are going thru this. The one year is a tough one. Being around the holidays never helps. Please please don't blame yourself for anything. There is and was nothing you could have done to change it. Although we want to believe that we could have done something differently - it was destiny. I don't know if you believe in destiny but, my mom always told me that you can't change someone's destiny. I know it's hard to believe in anything or anyone right now but, believe me YOU are never to blame. Those words don't come easily to me because I blame myself, too, for some things but, we are still here on earth and will go crazy if we continue. I do flip flop myself so I understand the feeling. I know that waking up after the dream was horrible and upsetting but, if you look at the dream a little differently, you're daddy was doting as usual, right? That is something beautiful to take away from it. I don't know. I am trying to find something good in the dream but, sometimes you just have to feel a certain way until you just don't feel that way anymore. I hope that makes sense. I wish I could take this week away so you didn't have to deal with it but we both know I can't. I'll be thinking of you, Niamh, and please try to hang in there. I am so bad at expressing my feelings in words. I would give you a great big hug if I could in person. This cyber one will have to do (((((((((hugs))))))))) 2sweetgirls

Hello Bleu-berry, I am so sorry for the loss of you dad. I wish I could say something to make it better but, there are no words. I just want to let you know that as I read your post, I was nodding my head the whole way. I have felt or do feel as you do at some point or another. I lost both of my parents within 10 months time. Mom passed on Nov 30, 2009 and dad passed on Oct 4th of this year. Two very different experiences - we didn't make it to be with mom while she was in hospice. I still struggle with the fact that she died with no family around her. She was a great woman who would take the shirt off her back for you if she loved you. Her children were her life and the fact that one or both of us couldn't be there to hold her hand will haunt me forever, I think. She didn't deserve that. My dad was having an operation at the time of her death and was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer the day after mom died. He fought a brave fight for 10 months until kidney failure took him. This time my brother and I, along with our families, flew down to be with him. It was extremely hard to watch someone you love deteriorate and eventually fade away. I also have images in my head that I just can't shake no matter how I try. I think they are emblazed in my brain. I understand the bitterness toward people who are happy. I also feel that way when I see older people. I wonder why did my parents have to die and others much older than them are still alive. I can relate to your feelings towards God and the afterlife but, I have to keep the faith that I will see and be with them again or I will completely lose it. I don't know if you believe in the power of dreams but, somehow, someway, when they do come, it makes me feel better. I have been praying since dad died for both mom and dad to come to me in a dream to let me know that they are ok. The other night they finally came. The warm smile and loving embrace mom gave me that I miss so much, while dad smiled and watched nearby, gave me a bit of peace. Almost to show me that they are together and they love me. That is how I choose to interpret it anyway. I hope with all of my heart that you can be at peace at least a small bit at a time. It does come in waves. Just when I seem to have a "decent" day, the next seems to take me backwards. It's normal. It really stinks, but it's normal. Just remember we are all hear for the same reason and will support you in any way possible without judging. This website has helped me tremendously. I don't know what I would have done without it. Love and peace to you today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls

I just started watching this show one night after surfing all the channels and it caught my attention. It's called "I survived - death and back". Basically, it is first hand accounts of people who have experienced death after a traumatic experience and then came back. When I first started watching it, I cried like a baby. Then, I realized that what everyone was saying was - though all different experiences - it was beautiful, peaceful and they "wanted" to be there. I want to believe that when our loved ones cross over to the other side that it is like these people explained. Some recall a bright light, loved ones waiting, etc, but, all say they are overcome with a wonderful feeling of love and being loved. It has given me a bit of peace thinking that mom and dad are in a beautiful place like these people explain until we can be reunited again. Just thought I'd share. 2sweetgirls

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. I, too, like Niamh, am happy that you have a feeling of relief that your daddy isn't in pain anymore. I'm sure that was a terribly hard time. I am so glad that this website could help you when you needed it. I don't know what I would have done (or do now) if I didn't have you wonderful people. We will all continue to be here to listen, share and help the best way we can in the upcoming days, months, etc. Sending great big hugs to you and your family. 2sweetgirls

Hello Anthony, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. The one year mark just passed for my mom's passing on Nov. 30th and I lost my dad on 10-4-10. You have a very good question that, I think, we are all looking for the answers to. I can only share my own day to day, minute to minute happenings. I, like all others, have moments that come upon me without warning that make me feel hopeless and desperate. But, I have two children, one in school all day and the other home with me. The baby is 2 years old and just so funny you can't help but laugh. My mom told me before she died "I enjoyed you kids when you were little now is your turn to enjoy your kids". She and dad would have wanted that. So, mostly, the baby distracts me and keeps me going during the day. When she goes down for a nap during the day is when it all seems to hit me. I seem to be going on for their sake. Sometimes, I do things around the house (which seems to be what you do too), rest, watch tv or come to this website. Some days I am just waiting for bedtime and other days seem to be better. It is a process that is individual. I wish I had a more difinitive answer but, at the same time, I really don't think there is one. Sending you peace today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls

AMEN to that!!!! Thank you for that, Carol Ann. Peace to all!! 2sweetgirls

I usually don't venture outside of my group (lost both parents this past year) but the title caught my attention. I have 2 children and can't even imagine how you feel. I am more than sure the pain is indescribable. Of course you would want to talk about your children and remember all the things they did as babies and through the years. I cried just reading your posts because I can't let my mind go to the place where you stand. I am so sorry for your loss from the depths of my soul. Honestly, I think people who think we should "let go" are not thinking, unfeeling or just don't know how it feels. I think whatever makes you feel better is what you should do. Sending a HUGE hug. 2sweetgirls

Hi Deb, I hope you don't have to put your cat to sleep. I don't have any animals, never did, I am allergic. But, I can understand how tramatic (again) this can be. I hope all goes well. I just wanted to let you know that I heard you. 2sweetgirls

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. To answer your question, Deb, yes I have lost both of my parents 10 months apart. I was anticipating the one year anniversary of mom's death when I got sideswiped with dad's death. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I wish I could visit my parents more often but they lived in a different state and it's not within a reasonable driving distance. My brother and I went over the Veteran's Day holiday to clean out their house because it was sold. I sure hope that the good memories with replace the bad ones. I just don't see an end to any of this right now. I understand that there are not words, Carol Ann. Sometimes I feel that way too when I read post from others. Today it rained all day. I feel like the heavens were shedding all the tears that I wanted to cry. I said a prayer at 7:30pm tonight, the time that mom passed. I wish I could hug her and dad again. I know that they are in heaven and not in pain anymore but, maybe this sounds selfish, what about me, left here holding a broken heart? Anyway, thank you to both of you. Courage and Blessings to all. 2sweetgirls

I just wanted to let you all know that I have experienced loss of a very good friend (or I thought so) for 22 years when my mom died a year ago today. She didn't call me in the weeks following only emails and text messages which I did not reply to. I thought that I was worth a phone call after all those years. It finally ended in an ugly way. I think it's interesting how different people handle a person who has lost someone special. I went through dark days after mom passed and many MANY emotions - from one end to the other. I observed a lot and just came to the conclusion that people don't know what to say or what to do. Not many, if any, know how to handle it. I am lucky that I have one really good compassionate friend and a wonderful husband. He even stayed home today to be with me for the one year anniversary. When dad died two months ago, it was just an instant replay of the same people saying and doing the same things. You just learn who you can be real with and who you need to just talk about unimportant things with. I think it's sad because these people think you're "ok" because you can't show your true feelings. I am sorry that you have all experienced this also. As if it's not hard enough to go through this grief..... I'm sending cyber hugs to all of you. 2sweetgirls

Today is a gloomy, rainy, dark day here. Exactly how I'm feeling. It's "funny" how a whole year seems like it never happened because today brings me right back to the day she died. Even though a lot has happened since. Daddy passed just 2 months ago..... I'm just sad....... 2sweetgirls

Actually, I do believe that having a family of your own helps and then again it doesn't. You are distracted, even laughing and appearing to others to be ok, but when the distraction is over it hits you like a ton a bricks. I have experienced a couple of people that actually said to me "you seem to be handling this really well". I got really angry!!! I said "don't EVER judge a book by its cover. You never know what's going on inside". That pretty much shut them up. I can't imagine how this whole grief process would be for me without having my family. They give me strength where I don't feel I can have it sometimes. You have a way of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps for their sake. On the other hand, you have to get it out sometime. THAT is the difficult part - it's usually late at night when going to sleep. Hence, the bags under my eyes. Yesterday, on the other hand, I was really weak even in front of them. My parents house, which they left to my brother and myself, was sold and finalized. The lawyer called me while I was out shopping with the girls. My 9 year old who is very interested in what is going on was looking right into my eyes when I got the call. I pushed the overwhelming feeling to breakdown down into my gut the best I could until my brother called me 5 minutes later to see if I was ok. I lost it and had to leave the store. My daughter conforted me as I explained that with great love comes great loss and this is going to be a long bumpy road for me. I also took that opportunity to tell her that no matter what she can talk to me or her dad if she needs to. It seems that she talks to her dad more often. I think she's protecting me. My husband has this strange ESP-like gift and called me a bit later when I was falling apart. He came home to be with me which really helped. He has a way of saying and doing the right thing in these situations. This sounds really bad and I hope someone, anyone can understand, I just wish I can get on with the whole "process". I won't ever forget my parents - EVER - I just feel stuck. We really do feel lucky to have the option to go and visit even though I'm not sure I will. My brother called the buyer, congratulated her and told her that she can call us if she has any questions about the house. I'm glad mom and dad sent her to us. I appreciate the hugs. 2sweetgirls

I agree totally with Karen. I don't think that you should shut out your mom either . I think you might regret it later when it's too late and you don't want to put yourself through even MORE heartache. I also can understand the way the older generation may think. The males were treated differently than the females. It doesn't make it right, by any means, it's just how it was. I hope you can find some peace. Sending you hugs. 2sweetgirls

I just got back a couple of days ago from cleaning up my parents house. My brother and I flew to mom and dad's house from our respective states to clean out the house. We had a limited time and thought that we would not make it to finish. The buyer just happened to stop by with her real estate agent. My brother and I were having a "moment" and they walked into the middle of it. I tried to talk to her but couldn't without bursting into tears (just like now as I write). She is an older woman and felt really bad for us. She hugged me and told me that we could visit anytime we wanted. She also said that if there was anything we wanted we could leave it and she would hold it for us. This woman was sent by mom and dad. I'm sure. We took what was important and left the rest for her. We had a huge mess in the garage and were stressing that we would not finish when she came in and said that we could leave it all because she was coming into this house with nothing. At that point, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. We went to see my parents at their moseleum. It really bothers me to see their names with birth and death dates there. I crumble everytime. My brother had to practically hold me up. My mom had a neighbor who promised her that she would take care of flowers and decoration after she passes. Before my brother left for the airport, he went to see them and saw that the site had been decorated for Christmas. He took a pic and sent it to me. It looks beautiful but, made me howl in pain. When does this get better? Now that that is done, I don't know how I am supposed to deal with it all. I just have no words for how I'm feeling. Thanks for listening. 2sweetgirls

Lostdaughter, I am SOOOOOOOOO sorry that this is happening to you. You have EVERY right to feel this way. Of course, it's not about money, it about respect and love from your father. If he decided to give his entire estate to charity then it would be fair. Children should be treated equally. I can't imagine how you feel. I'm so sorry. Are you able to talk to your brothers? I hope that you can. Maybe if you talk to them and explain how you feel, they'll do the right thing that your father didn't. I am fortunate that my brother and I are extremely close. We agreed that the estate would NOT come between us. But, my parents left everything to us equally. I hope it can all be worked out. Sending hugs to you. 2sweetgirls

I'm so sorry, Niamh, for all of your loss. I also think of how our parents dealt with the loss of their parents. I don't remember dad saying much about it - I mean I felt sad but mostly for my dad (mom's parents were both gone by the time I was born). We lived in America and they lived in Italy so I wasn't close to them. My maternal grandmother died when my mom was only 9. Can you imagine how that affects a 9 year old that is put into a convent to be raised by mean nuns? I can't. I know it shapes you as a person. In spite of that my mom was a loving, wonderful person who would literally take the shirt off her back if she loved you. I was lucky to have that love. My dad always said the words "I love you" (mom, of course, said it too) but sometimes men have trouble saying the words. My dad didn't. He said it all the time. In fact, my brother and I say to each other everytime we hang up the phone or see each other. Sometimes he calls me just to say it. It's nice to hear it even though you know it. 18 years is a long time and a lot of loss, I'm so sorry. I can understand how it come back and feels so fresh. I just can't see then end of the road for grief. I think we will always grieve. I wish I could say something or wave a magic wand to take away all you pain. Plainly, we both know it's not that easy. I would like to send you a great big hug and just imagine it's your daddy's hug - so tight so safe. Please take care of yourself. 2sweetgirls

Unfortunately, I am in the "no mom no dad" club too. I wish I could offer you some great advice - or any advice at all - but, I feel lost too. All I can say to you, Micah, is that you are not alone. We feel the same way. I will keep asking the Lord and my parents to help me (and all of us) through this horrible time. Hugs to you and always. 2sweetgirls

Hi Charlotte, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and dad and brother. It does seem like a lot of grief to deal with. I hope that you find some comfort in this site. I sure do. Just knowing that I am not going crazy with my emotions and that someone (more than just one) feels the same way is comforting. My mom passed away a year ago on Nov 30 and only 10 months later I just lost my dad on Oct 4th. I feel sick from the feelings that fester inside of me. I wish I could make it all go away too. But that is not how it is meant to be, right? We have to deal with it no matter how long it takes or how painful it is. I really don't believe that this gets better in time I, honestly, think I will be forever feeling this horrible loss. I don't think I will ever be the same again. I miss those two beautiful people. Even though they and none of us is perfect, I feel a major void. I hope that you can continue to come to this site and express whatever you feel. We will be here to listen and hopefully share our experiences too. Hugs to you ((((())))) 2sweetgirls