2sweetgirls

Niamh, I'm glad you found the audio tapes of your dad. I know it's bittersweet but not only do you have his voice but the memories of the time you spent together. I think it was definitely a gift. The DVD sounds wonderful. I hope it puts a smile on your face. I hope you have a case and that it all works out. NO ONE should have to endure this pain and if someone is responsible they should have to pay for it. Hang in there, my friend. Hugs to you!!!

Yesterday I met with some friends for coffee and a neighbor of a friend came over too. To make a long story short, she had an exploratory surgery done to repair a valve in her heart a month ago. She looks great and after seeing her and hearing her story (mom died of a leaking valve in her heart), I felt physically ill. I wanted to throw up!! Maybe mom was too old for a procedure like that or maybe it could have saved her. The thought kills me.... Tomorrow is my 40th birthday and I just can't stop feeling absolutely horrible that I won't be able to talk to my mom. I never thought that I would have to pass this day without her, my precious mom. It's just ironic, she is the one who brought me into this world and we can't celebrate together because she's gone to another world. Who cares about birthdays - 40 or any. Today is a gloomy rainy day here and I can't seem to pick myself up. My husband asked me what I want to do - anything special. I hate the "slipping back" days. I wish I could just keep moving forward. Whatever, I just don't care............... Thank you for listening, as always. 2sweetgirls (the only things that keep me going)

Lila, You have NO idea how happy it makes me that I could help you in any way. It brought tears to my eyes to know that, at the moment, you have a bit of happiness. Afterall, you are having a baby - WOOO HOOO!!! The baby is due a few days from your dad's birthday? Honestly, I don't think there is anything "random" about it. You will NEVER EVER EVER forget your dad but, on what would be a really sad day, the birthday of your dad, can be a bit of joy celebrating the baby's birthday. Almost like your dad is celebrating with you. I think in all of the grief we are all experiencing, if we can find joy in ANYTHING, that is a good thing. I am doing ok at the moment - thank you for asking. It comes in waves. I'm sure you know what that is like. Honestly, it makes me smile that you are having a good day. How are you feeling? Do you get morning sickness? I didn't either time but was nauseous for about 4 months straight - I ate my weight in saltines. I hope you are feeling well and continue to in all areas of your life. (((( )))) Hugs to you, Lila. Take care of yourself. 2sweetgirls

Dear Aquarius7, I am so sorry about your mom. I, also, wish I could give you some words to make it all better but, simply it won't be better with ANY words. All I can say is that we, here, have all experienced loss and can relate, not know exactly how you feel because everyone is different. When you describe the way you felt when they took her away just breaks my heart. I'm so sorry. This is all new to you now only being a couple of days but, you must know as Niamh said it's all normal. I thought that I was absolutely going to go crazy with the whole array of emotions that swung from left to right in a moments notice. So, just understand that it's all normal. It was beautiful that you and your mom said exactly what needed to be said as your last words to each other. My mom and I had exactly the same experience. It gives me a small bit of comfort. Please don't worry about all the other stuff (housing, job, etc.) for now because you need to focus on you and your loss. Your siblings will give you time, I'm sure. Please be kind to yourself and try to rest if you can. We are all thinking of you in this time of need. Many hugs and love coming your way. Please keep sharing. 2sweetgirls

I'm glad I put a smile on your face - even if it was just for a short while. I can't even imagine how your hormones are. Crazy from being pregnant AND grieving for your dad. Oh Boy!!!! Please try to hang in there. The Lord works in mysterious ways maybe He and your dad did want you off those pills. I don't know if you believe this but it just seems sweet to me but, I had heard that babies are up in heaven before they are actually sent to you when you become pregnant. If that is true, the baby would have already met your dad and got his blessing. It's nice if you believe it. It sounds strange but, I don't know, it made me feel good about it. Anyway, I'll stop my silly babbling and just hope that you can enjoy being pregnant (after the first trimester,of course) because it truly is a gift. I hope that your finace comes to his senses and everything seems to come together better. I know it's not the same without your daddy but, he would defintely want you to be happy. I can imagine that being happy is all our loved ones have ever and will ever want from us. I'm sure that is is overwelming. Please just try to think of that baby growing inside of you. Who knows, maybe this is your dad's way of MAKING you move on. If not for you, for the baby. Again, I'll stop my babbling and wish you well today, tomorrow, the next 8 months and always. (((((((( )))))))) many hugs to you and the baby. 2sweetgirls

Dear Kim, Let me welcome you also. I, too, am very sorry to hear about your dad. Thank you for sharing your story AND those lovely pix. I'm glad you have a great support system - it's important. My husband is great also. My mom has been gone for 6 months now and I can't say it's better, just different. It makes me feel good that he and your step-mom had a wonderful vacation before he passed. I love the smile on his face in the pic you sent. He looks so happy. I wish I had advice or words of wisdom but, all I can say is we are a family on this site and you can come here anytime and we will be here to listen. I hope you can stay healthy and have some peace. Peace and hugs to you. 2sweetgirls P.S. LouLou pregnant? That is wonderful!!! Your dad would have loved the new baby and would want you to be happy.

I feel like time is flying by for me. My husband asked me a question last night of when we started doing a specific activity for our daughter and I just couldn't answer him because I had no memory of ever starting it. A lot of things are a big blur. No feeling is odd when grieving. I hope the week goes fast for you, Niamh 2sweetgirls

Shelley, I wish I could just give you a great big hug. Here's the best I can do ((((((((( ))))))))). I miss my mom, too, deeply. I have pictures of her all over the house, with me, my children, etc. At first, I would cry, even howl, when I saw them. Now I feel blessed to have had 39 years with such a wonderful person that loved me so much. Do I wish I could call her, hear her, kiss her? MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!! I feel for you because it's hard to focus when you are having other issues going on. I hope that your mom comes to you in a dream to comfort you. You know that if she could, she would. Take care and peace to you . 2sweetgirls

Hi Shelley, I'm so sorry that this is happening. I hope you will find a job real soon to go on with therapy. Until then and even afterwards, we are here to listen and support you. You have been thru a lot in your life you can get thru this too. We are all here for you. Please try to have a "good" day. I will pray for you. 2sweetgirls

I'm still under the willow tree waiting to be strong enough. Thank you for that poem. (sniff sniff) 2sweetgirls

Dearest Ben, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for all your losses and pain. My heart aches for you. It is unfathomable to me how one person is supposed to deal with all these happenings. I lost my mom 6 months ago to congestive heart failure. That alone is difficult enough without all the other things you have going on. I wish I had some words of help but, plainly, I don't. All I can say is please keep coming to this site and reading, posting, whenever you want to. I think Niamh said some great things, as usual. There is NO REASON to feel embarrassed. We, as people who have lost someone special, will NEVER be OVER IT. We can only live the best way we can and try to enjoy life until we meet our loved ones again. I'm glad that you are able to let it out a bit while you are alone. I always feel a bit better after a good cry. Listen, Ben, my husband is by all means not weak AT ALL but, he does shed tears when a subject touches his heart. We have cried together many times over the loss of my mom, whom he loved very much also. It only means that we have feelings and they are being expressed. My father has cried and continues to over the loss of his wife and my brother also. The old mentality needs to be changed towards men crying because it's not fair. Please feel free to come here and we will listen and even though we are all behind our computers and can't see each other I assure you, we are all shedding tears as we write. My sister-in-law (brothers wife) shared with me recently that my bro has not really spoken to her about how he feels. She is extrememly upset about it because she wants to be there for him. I think it's sad because we all need to get whatever we feel out and not bottle it up inside. But, my brother is doing it in his own time and we are all being patient. I have slowly been bringing up the subject hoping that he will open up to me. I think you did a wonderful thing going to the hospital to see your dad before he passed. You can always be at peace with yourself that you did that and not regret that you missed the chance. Also, I think that you did the absolute best for your mom and she was happy to have you there every step of the way. I am deeply sorry that your wife is not supportive. Like Niamh said, I hope she can get some help, too, to be able to understand and be more empathetic toward you. In any event, please keep sharing here and we will also. Always remember, Ben, we are all here to listen, support and share with you. I feel that this site has been the best for me to have an outlet, as well as, reading other peoples stories and realizing that others have similar feelings. Hugs and peace to you. 2sweetgirls

Mom will have been gone 6 months on the 30th of this month. Today is her birthday. I haven't cried just feel numb. Talked to dad and he went to the mosaleum the other day to put fresh flowers and a Happy Birthday balloon. He will be going again to make sure it's all still ok. I wish I could go to wish her a Happy Birthday too. I live far away from them, in fact, have not been there since the day of the funeral. Feel sad about that!!! Happy Birthday, MOMMY!!!! I love you always and forever!!!

Hi Lab, I am so sorry for you and the loss of your dad. My heart really goes out to you. I lost my mom almost 6 months ago (in fact, today would have been her 77th birthday). I will be "celebrating" my 40th birthday next month, am having a hard time - sometimes harder than others - and can't even imagine how it would have been if I was 18 when she died. I agree with Niamh, you should be proud of yourself for making it as far as you did and I'm sure your dad would be MORE than proud of you too. Losing a parent is extremely hard. I don't even think there is a word in the english language that even compares to how one feels. Maybe you can take a few classes, relax and decompress for a while and then possibly transfer back to the school of your choice. No one can tell you how to act or how to go on - if that is even possible. As far as relationships and "friends", I have had a very close friend just really disappoint me after mom died. We are no longer friends. It's a shame but, again, we are almost 40 years old and I can't even imagine how an 18 year old would handle a friend who is in so much pain. I'm sorry for that. I think it is easy to feel like you are out of control or that the grief is taking over. It's a lot of pressure. One day at a time is my only advice. Sometimes it's one moment at a time. Do you have anyone that you can talk to? In any event, you can always come to this site because we will band together and send you a great big hug (that's how I feel, at least). Lab, hon, please don't beat yourself up so much. Your dad would be incredibly proud that you have made it this far. He knows how hard this is on you. He loves you. Take some time to just relax and hopefully soon you will feel like you can go on a bit more in peace. I am not much of a writer but, this forum has helped me by reading, writing and just getting it out somehow. Please keep sharing it might help you to know that you are not alone - no matter how long it has been or how you are feeling. Hugs and love to you!!!! 2sweetgirls

Hi Cynthia, WOW!!! That is a lot of things to just read muchless experience it. I'm so sorry about you, your mom and the situation with your sister. I wish I could say I understand but, my experience is different. I lost my mom Nov. 30, 2009. I miss her terribly. My dad has stage 4 bone cancer but is doing well - thank the Lord. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you but, that would be too easy, right? Welcome to this site and please share anything, anytime. I have found that sharing and having someone acknowledge your feeling really helps. Hugs to you!!!! 2sweetgirls

Christine, I have read your post about the dream you had of your mom a number of times. Each time, I smile because, to me, it seems like a wonderful way to see her again - kind of the way she wants you to remember her. Again, that is only my perception, you probably have your own mixed bag of emotions. Of course, it also brings tears to my eyes because it's hard to see any good when you lose someone you love with all of your being. I hope that someday you can try to replace the way you saw her leaving this world with that warm smile and a lilac that was just for you in your dream. I hope the counselor calls back and that helps you, Chrisine. Keep sharing when you feel you have the strength or anytime. HUgs to you today and always. 2sweetgirls

I am really thinking of you today, Niamh. I so sorry. The anniversary is especially hard because you can't help but look at the clock and remember what you were doing 5 months ago at this time. 5 months have passed for me already - some days are more distracted than others. I hope that today goes fast for you at work. And that you can go home, get into your PJs, spend time remembering the happy memories of your daddy and hopefully have some peace. HUGE HUGE hugs to you!!!!! 2sweetgirls

Missin_sis, First of all, let me start by saying I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. I agree 110% with what everyone else wrote. It really ticks me off when people say get over it, you should be over it or even worse, you sense the unwillingness of others to want to "deal" with you. Please don't let anyone else try to tell you how you should feel. I think time doesn't heal all wounds, it just makes it more dealable in due time. If someone gets over it quickly, great for them,but, everyone is different and only you know how you feel. HOw are you supposed to "get over it" anyway. I haven't encountered ANYONE that can tell me how. I lost my mom 5 1/2 months ago and people probably feel that I am "over it" because I try to put on a different "face" in public simply because I don't want to talk about it. Anyway, I'm sorry but, the lack of sensitivity is just really infuriating sometimes. Hugs to you, Missin_sis, and you take all the time you need, however long it is.

Well, here is what I miss about mom.... I miss her loving arms wrapped around me. I miss the huge smile on her face when she opened the door when my family and I came to visit. I miss the "sparkle" in her eye when she looked at me and my girls. I miss the words of encouragement when I was having a bad day or just felt that I couldn't do it (especially motherhood). I miss her voice saying "Hi Sweety" when she answered the phone and knew it was me. I miss her bubbly, infectious laugh especially at her grandchildren. I miss her strong spirit and spunkiness. I miss hearing the ice cubes hitting the glass before she filled it with water. Plainly said.......... I miss YOU, mommy!!!!!

I'm sorry for all of you in the loss of your moms. I lost my mom a little over 5 months ago. Mother's Day was bittersweet. I wish everyone peace and the will to carry on without their moms. Happy Mother's Day, Mommy!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!

BeckyM, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom more than 5 months ago. At times, I don't know how I can go on and other times I just pull myself up by my bootstraps and forge ahead. I have 2 children and they need a mommy too. So, mostly I do it for them. Yesterday, Mother's Day, was hard for all of us who have lost our moms. Mine was bittersweet. I had great times with my girls and when the baby was asleep and my older girl was off playing, I had a moment with my husband to talk and cry, reflecting on mom and how I feel. My husband is incredibly supportive and always says the right thing - sometimes the right thing is not saying anything at all. I'm grateful for him. I try so hard to be "normal" in public, putting on a smile and joking and whatnot. THis morning I went to the supermarket and the cashier asked me so how was your mother's day. I put on a smile and said good - just small talk. I asked her how hers was and she said "AHHH bittersweet". My heart sank because I just knew that she was going to tell me that she had lost her mom. It will be a year in September for her. Needless to say, I was running out of that supermarket balling like a 5 year old child. AHHHHHH!!!! Anyway, I think you did a wonderful thing taking care of your ailing mom for 7 years. I'm sure she appreciated and loved you for all you had done for her. We all feel that we could of, should of, would of done more. I think, for me, it's part of the grieving. I wish I could stop it but, I loved and still love her and she loved me. As I'm sure your mom loved you as much as you love her. I wish you some peace and hugs on this terrible roller coaster of grief we are all on. 2sweetgirls

My dear friends in greif, Niamh and Loulou, I am so sorry that you feel like this. I have my moments of the same thinking but, the way I get thru it, most of the time, is that I know that mom would want me to enjoy life to its fullest until the time we will be together again. I will never be the same person I was before she left me but, I am trying desperately to go on as this new person I've become - sometimes very sad, sometimes able to go on..... I try to think of her - she was very funny - when I feel sad. Also, I talk to her often. I really do feel like she can hear me. Everyday is a new day. Niamh, you are not nuts. This is the way you feel. My feelings change with every second of the clock. Hopefully, we will eventually find our way. This has been said over and over again but, I will say it again. Everyone is different and deals with their grief differently an in their own time so don't feel like you're nuts or alone because I think everyone has those moments. I am trying to be as strong as mom was even though it's hard. My cousin said to me when mom passed (my aunt died 15 years ago) and I asked her if I'll ever be the same she said no but, in time, you will know where to put it all in your heart. I'm not sure I know what that means because I'm not there yet and it's a battle everyday. I went through a couple of months of denial but am past that now. I know mommy is not coming back but, she will always be with me in spirit. That doesn't help when I need that hug that only she could give to me but, as she told me in a dream, this is her destiny. Loulou, I'm so sorry that you and your fiance are going to split. As tear stream down my face, I wish you both and all peace..... 2sweetgirls xoxoxoxoxo

Hi Christine, Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your amazing mom. I lost my mom, too, November 30, 2009. It is a moment by moment battle in my grieving process. Everyone is different and handles it in their own way. I won't even begin to tell you I know exactly how you feel but, I am going thru similar feelings. Christine, it's ok not to be "that girl" who has it all together this time. Let all the people you have helped help you now. You just had one of the most amazing, influencial, loving, etc. people in your life pass on. You can't expect yourself to get past that so quickly and to be the same person you were before. I am a stay at home mom so I can't even begin to imagine how it feels to have to go to work. But, I do understand about the "selective" hearing you are talking about. My mom and dad had/have that too. My dad has stage 4 bone cancer and prostate cancer (he was diagnosed a couple of weeks after mom passed) and even though he has been told, doesn't grasp the reality of it. My brother and I plan on keeping it that way for his sake. My mom also had many many illnesses in her lifetime. I was also there for many of the appts, operations, close calls, emergency room visits, starting when I was 14 years old, except at the end, which is an issue I have to deal and live with. We don't live in the same state. Even though we got the call that she had passed while actually on the way to be with her. It was a quick and strange sequence of events that prevented me from being with her. I got to speak to her on the phone and tell her that we all love her and we were coming so hold on just a little longer but, her heart just couldn't do it anymore (She had congestive heart failure). As long as I can remember, growing up my parents always spoke about "when we die". It was not a tabu subject in our house so I thought I had prepared myself, to a certain degree, also. Only to find out you can NEVER prepare yourself for such a horrible, deep in your gut, pain. I share the same feeling of wanting to touch my mom, hold her, see her, smell her again. I want to send you many, big hugs. I hope that you can share some more of your feelings when you are ready. Hugs, love and peace to you. 2sweetgirls

Oh my gosh!!!!!!! I am so sorry that the people at work are sooooooo inconsiderate and have NO compassion. Especially so soon. My heart breaks for you. Someone had said in another post that society today just doesn't know how to deal with a person that is grieving. It is just common decency to at least say "I'm sorry". My heart goes out to you. I hope that you have a support system or, at least, someone who can support you outside of work. If you do or if you don't, you can ALWAYS write here and we will listen. Please try to have some peace today and the days to come. Hugs and love to you. 2 sweetgirls

Wow, I didn't realize that so many people felt as exhausted as I do. But, all of you lovely people on this site has a way of making me feel not so alone. It kinda makes you wonder what a person is going thru, internally, when you are out and about, happen to look into someones eyes and see sadness, anger, etc. Just a thought....... I was reading the posts over again this morning and realized that I didn't comment on blyfn's post. This is EXACTLY how I feel. A couple of days go by where I'm ok and then all of a sudden I'm am so NOT ok again. I am feeling that I just want to get past this horrible pain to put me in the place of reflecting on our experiences with a smile (I do smile sometimes when I think of her but, then the tears come and come strong). I just don't know what to do with it either. I hope today finds you all in a better place and peaceful!! 2sweetgirls xoxoxoxoxoxox P.S. Jodi, my mom loved the casino's also. We would go together all the time. It brought her such joy to play. Maybe your dad and my mom are sharing stories right now.

Hi Jodi, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad (exactly 1 month to the date after mom passed). I'm sorry that you feel the guilt that just won't go away and I hope that the therapy works. I had a hospice counselor come over the other day (which was a BAD day for me) and she actually made me feel better for the moment. I think, among many other things, it really pisses me off that one day I think ok I can move on (not EVER forget) just pull myself out of this hole. It is what she would have wanted me to do but then only to take 10 steps backwards and put me right there in front of the casket again. I know it's all part of the "process". WHATEVER!!! Sorry I am just angry at the moment at this situation. Anyway...... My father was a very good provider, hard worker and did his best for my mother, brother and I. I am able to talk to him but he is dealing with his own grief - this year they would have been married for 50 years - so I don't really share my feelings with him too much. I was closer to my mom, kinda like the "Daddy's Girls" in the group, I was a "Mama's Girl". She was the liason for everyone. I don't know how it happened but it just did. I speak to my dad every day and we just talk, cry, share. Here is the deal with his health......he and mom (rest her soul) had selective hearing with their health and when there was a blank they filled it in to their benefit. So, he doesn't really "get" the magnitude of the whole thing. He knows he has prostate cancer, oh, did I mention he also has prostate cancer? But that is what he thinks he is being treated for. He, like mom, is a strong strong person. He says he feels pretty good (I don't know how he can live in the same house. I don't think I can ever go back.). He had a PET scan the other day and I am pretty nervous that he is going to start to put 2 and 2 together about how serious it is. I just said if you feel good, who cares what the test shows. No Dr. will give you the definite prognosis because each case is different but, stage 4 bone cancer, which has spread to the liver and prostate cancer is not too good. Bright side is that Hospice has not been called in yet. My brother and I decided not to tell him because what's the point? If he feels good, why tell him? Anyway, my family and I are planning to meet my dad at my brothers house for a family reunion (bitter sweet) this summer. It'll be nice. I understand about the uncontrollable sobbing. I feel like sometimes I can't even keep my eyes open because they are swollen. My parents were not shy about talking about when they were going to die - it was not a tabu conversation in our house (my husband's family is the exact opposite). But not matter how much you talk about it, even allow yourself to go there beforehand and imagine how it will be, you CAN'T even begin to be able to comprehend it until it actually happens. I'll share my gift, from mom, with you all. Two days before she died, I was on the phone with her, she had congestive heart failure and wasn't able to breathe so I really just couldn't understand ANYTHING she was saying - it was all gibberish. I said "Mommy, I'm sorry but I just can't understand you". She paused and clear as day she said "I love you very much". I can still hear it. Why do those words feel soooooooooo good and hurt soooooooo much all at the same time? Thank you so much, Jodi, and all for replying to me with so much love and compassion. I'm sure today is a rough day for you also since it's the 4 month anniversary for you. Love and hugs!!! 2sweetgirls