Aquarius7

My Mom will be gone for 3 weeks this Thursday. I love this house. I pray and hope I can stay in it, as I have lived here for 36 years and it is home to me. I love it. But since my Mom's passing, it feels so lonely. It is not the same. I cannot express how sad it feels around here. The absence of my Mom is constantly felt and there is absolutely no escaping it. I am so used to having her here and doing things for and with her. Things she did for herself and did for me and things I did for her are now gone forever. Taking in the newspaper for her, getting groceries for her, watching TV with her, getting phone calls from her, calling her on the phone, having simple conversations with her, laughing with her and just her talking to me are all gone forever and ever and ever. Waking up in the morning and not smelling her coffee, not hearing her voice, not going to tell her goodbye, not being able to call her on the phone during the day (or anytime) and not telling her hello when I get home are just killing me. I want her back so much and I want to see her and talk with her. There were few days in my life when I did not speak to her (only when either of us was out of town and even then I always called her when I could). She was always there should I need help with anything and was just there for me for any reason. Everyone gets the general idea I am sure. It is just so sad around here. I can't make it happy. Tonight I resumed some of my usual activities (playing my drums and exercising) for the first time in almost 3 weeks, but they too felt strange knowing my Mom was not here. Our dog is wonderful, but she too is lonely without my Mom. I am so sad right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT MY MOM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Chris, Hugs to you! ((((((( ))))))). I am very sorry for your loss. But it is great that you saw your granddaughter graduate. You cannot blame yourself. I am sure you did everything you could have for your husband. I think anytime we lose a loved one, we always feel we could have done more to save them. And thinking what we could have and should have done. It is always going to be there I think. And I have no doubt that he knew you loved him.

We had the Memorial Service for my Mom. I cannot stand the word "funeral". Never have liked it. Overall, it went great as it could go. I read a verse from the New Testament and a eulogy I had written about my Mom. I put together a Power Point video showing of pictures of my Mom. I think it was good. So many people showed up to pay their respects and offer their condolences. It was great of them. A few people who did not show up, I am really disappointed in. I guess it is times like these where we see who our real friends are. As for all of those who did not show up, I feel like never speaking to them again. My Mom knew all of them and the least they could do is show up for 5 minutes to pay their respects. I am actually disgusted with a few of them. I guess this is natural. But I still can't believe any of this! This whole thing seems like a weird dream that I wish I would wake up from. Everything seems on hold and real surreal. Does this ever stop?! I just wish things would get back to normal, but I know they never will be again. My life has change forever without my BEST FRIEND.

Every day gets worse. I am literally falling apart. The memorial service is this week and today we talked about it. We met with the priest. Whereas I was kind of getting a little better, now I feel it is getting worse as the memorial service nears. And after that there is no more turning back. Later we will have to do the succession and all that stuff I hate. The insecurities in my life are making me much worse I believe. Had I had some security and had a house of my own, I would be handling it all a lot better. In fact, I think I can feel something happening inside of me. Might be an ulcer. Don't know. This is all so awful. It is never ending it seems. I really need help.

Hey Bill, Just came to this thread to check on you man. You sound like you are doing a lot better. I most definitely think your wife's spirit is with you telling you it's okay and that she is trying to help you pull it together. Just the fact that you are doing something is an accomplishment. You are doing better than I am. I don't know about you, but being in the house (which I love and hope to stay in) is very challenging. My Mom was here all the time and just knowing she is not here and not coming back is killing me. I have never known a feeling like this in my life. It is like I am walking around with a cloud or shadow over me. Not just in the house, but everywhere I go. How on earth do you deal with this?! Peace! God bless you!

Hi Ellen, I am so sorry for your loss of your Mom and Dad. HUGS! ((((((( ))))))) I could have almost written your post! I can relate to your feelings so much. I am here for you anytime you need someone to lean on. I lost my Mom who was and is my BEST FRIEND for all of my life (just started to cry at this moment while typing) on June 3, 2010. She was only 83. She too was at home in hospice. And on morphine. My life will NEVER be the same without her! I miss her every second of the day! You are 100% correct in that some people taking parents for granted. So many people do. I want to kiss her and hold her again. I want to hear my Mom's voice on the phone. I want to get a phone call from her. I want her to tell me to come see something on TV she knows I might be interested in. I want her to save me another newspaper article. I want her to save me another coupon. I want to take a drive with her. I want to hear her laugh again. I want to see her smile again. We lived together. So you can imagine what the house is like now. It just feels different and I cannot get happy whatsoever inside this house, nor do anything with any enthusiasm, indeed if at all. But I love the house and wish to stay in it. Which probably won't happen as it will be in "the estate" and "the succession". I absolutely HATE those words and all that goes with them! It will probably get sold and then I will have to move out. My Mom's passing has so much fallout that it adds insult to injury. My whole life and lifestyle has been shaken up. I am finding myself wishing I had made different decisions when I was younger and it is ABSOLUTELY KILLING ME! It is too late now at my age. I sometimes feel that my Mom was taken from me as some kind of punishment from God. People tell me this is not the case. I hope it is not. But it sure feels like it. It happened so suddenly and just a year ago she seemed fine. All I do is cry. I stop for awhile, but it comes back within an hour. I can barely face anyone or go anywhere. My heart has been ripped apart and my life changed forever. Everyone tells me it takes time and that it is "natural". And that she lived a full and good life. Well, that all may be true, but not one word of it makes me feel better. I JUST WANT MY MOM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Tishira, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you feel. I have never believed in the word "closure". Is it "closure" when our loved one dies and is given a funeral, burial or cremation? Is it "closure" when others tell us that "it is part of life and that we have to accept it"? Is it closure when people tell us that they were are in a better place? I don't think there is any such thing as "closure". But I know what you are getting at. You want to know WHY! I completely understand that and agree with you. If it gives you any peace, perhaps you should inquire about what went on in the ER. By all means do so! And if you feel it necessary for your peaece of mind, by all means do an autopsy! But I feel that no matter what we do, when God wants us, He will take is no matter what. It is all in His Divine Plan, which I still cannot understand nor do I expect to. All I do know is that I greatly miss my Mom and Dad all the time and cry all the time. Hugs! ((((((( )))))))

Sharla, Hope everything went fine with your Dad. My prayers and thoughts are with you all.

Hi Animalsaver123, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad and your Mom's ill-health. Here is a cyber hug ((((((( ))))))). Your Dad sounds like he was a great guy and one to hardly complain about anything. You are lucky to have had him. Just by the great pictures you posted, I can tell he was a great guy. I am sure your Mom is great too. When someone we love is sick, all we can do is try to help them as much as we can and make them comfortable. Sounds like you were doing that and I know you are doing that with your Mom too. They are lucky to have such a great daughter as you. Please keep posting here. All of us are going through some kind of grief because of the upcoming loss or loss of a loved one. There are some great people here. We are all here for each other.

My BEST FRIEND of my ENTIRE LIFE passed away Thursday night. My dearest Mom who has been with me since DAY 1 (even though there were times when I was in college out of town or travelling) flew from this Earth after fighting stage 4 lung cancer. You can read all about what happened to her in another post of mine. The very last time I spoke to her was the day before she passed. The very last words I said to her were "I love you." to which she replied "I love you too." I cried so much for the last 6 weeks while she was diagnosed that strangely I did not cry as much when she passed and when they took her body away from the house. To see her lying there lifeless was the worst thing I ever ever seen in my life. When they wrapped her body and took her away on a stretcher that was horrific. When they put her in the back of the van and drove off with her forever that was the saddest feeling I have ever felt in my life. When they were taking her away I hugged our dog whom she loved and cried and cried. Tonight was the first night in the house since she passed away. I was only here with our precious dog who she loved so much. I can honestly say it has been absolutely horrible. Knowing that my Mom will never, ever be in this house again, never call me from it, never tell me something is on TV she thinks I might be interested in, never cook in it again, never be there when I get home and never come walking through the door again is simply killing me. I feel I am losing my mind. Also, I am extremely depressed. I know I will eventually be forced out of this house by my siblings who now own a 4th of it as I do. They will want their share and make me leave. I just looked for a potential place to move and found absolutely nothing I like, nor can afford. To make matters worse, my income is very minimal. I can find no job that is worthwhile and steady with security. I have never felt this low and desperate in my entire life. I am starting to hate my life and everything that has led up to it. It seems like my entire life has been an entire mistake and all my enjoyment of life and worry-free and take it as it comes attitude has now caught up with me. I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP!

Hi Butterfly 9. First of all, my deepest condolences to you about your Dad. Second of all here is a cyber hug ((((((( ))))))). Your post made me cry (which I do a lot these days). I lost my Dad 15 years ago and it still gets to me all the time. Now my Mom is sick and in hospice. You can read her story in most of my posts. I can relate to what you are going through. I too want to do nothing. My whole life has come crashing down and I care about nothing else. I try to watch TV or read to forget about it but that does very little good. No matter what I do, the reality is always there. Every morning I wake up feeling absolutely horrible and scared to death about everything. I actually want to die sometimes so as not to have to endure all of this. That's how horrible it is. Nothing feels right, nothing feels the same and I cannot get motivated to do anything knowing that my absolute BEST FRIEND OF MY LIFE is dying and will be gone from my life forever. It is the most horrible thing I have ever encountered in my life. Without her, my life will have no meaning, no joy, nothing to look forward to and will be an extremely sad existence. She is everything to me. It sounds like you and your Dad ARE (not were) very close. That's great! He is with you! I am sure he would want you to carry on and live your life to the fullest.

My brothers and sister took our Mom for the radiation treatment. The radiologist said she needed to see the oncologist. She said that the radiation treatment would have started working my now and it has not. Then she said it was time for hospice. This is such a horrible day. One of the worst in my life. I am in absolute shock and grief. Everything is so surreal and feels like a dream which I would wake up from. So now, we are discussing how to do hospice: In my Mom's home (where I live)? In a hospice center? Or in another city where my other brother and sister live about 80 miles away. That seems to be what is being pushed for by my siblings and I am 100% against it. The reasons are that my Mom would want to be in her own house and has said so (even though she has not been in a good decision making state) and also she would be too far from the people and things she loves. Also, I would like her to pass away in the city she was born in and not in this other city which I cannot stand. That may also lead to the services being there and everything else. I am 100% against that too. I am already fighting with my siblings against that idea but they will probably get their way (as usual) and it is making my whole situation and feelings worse than ever. This is adding insult to an already great injury. They keep saying they want what is best for her and where she would be the most comfortable and have the best care. I agree on that part, but I say let her live out what little life she has left where she chooses. Whatever happens will happen. Any experiences on dealing with the hospice issue? Thanks!

Bill, I am so sorry for your loss. From what I have read from your recent posts, it sounds like you are at least doing a little better. It also sounds like you had the most wonderful wife you could have. As I am sure you are, be thankful to God that He blessed you with such a wonderful wife and children. Many people go through life alone and never know the joys you had. I know it does not make it any easier though. I am so sorry. Taking your wife's ashes with you fishing and chopping down the palm scrubs sounds like a great thing to do. And it is great that you can sit in the room and feel her spirit. You are on the right track my man.

I just had a serious meltdown at 4:00 in the morning. This is a wonderful song that has been going through my mind for weeks. I had to make myself listen to it and I knew it was going to get to me. WARNING! It is a real tear-jerker. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwyHdIaOHgk&feature=related

Hi Niamh, HUGS! ((((((( ))))))). I wish there was something I could do for you to ease your pain and stop your sadness. Know that your Dad is with you all the time.

Hi tmanning, First of all here is a hug! ((((((( ))))))) I am so sorry about the loss of your sister. Often times we take our parents for granted when we are young and they are younger, and even perhaps more so with our siblings. Your post scares me because I know that I will not be able to handle this passing of my Mom whenever that may happen someday. When my Dad passeed away I was not in good shape for a long time. In fact, I cried about him tonight. People passing away is the worst part of life and something I have never understood since I was a child and first learned that everyone passes away. It simply does not seem right. As for being exhausted, I think we are all exhausted. For me, I cannot sleep much and whenever I do, I do not want to get out of bed. In fact, quite often when I do drift off to sleep, I simply do not care if I ever wake up or not. That is how much this situation is affecting me and I know it will not get better. I don't know how to act "normal" and feel like when I am trying to do something I have to do that I am just getting through it or acting. Deep down, my heart is aching and nothing else in my life matters except for my Mom. Right now I could care less about anything else and feel like I should not be doing anything else. Know that we are here for each other.

Sharla, First of all, here is a HUG! ((((((( ))))))) I cannot say "I know how you feel", because I don't. But I can say that I can relate to how you feel. It just kills me knowing this is happening (and has happened) to millions of people around the world. Why?! I believe in God 100% and all I can do is trust Him. There are so many things that happen in life that I cannot understand why they happen. I will tell you something else though. I am starting to think this whole cancer thing is a business! Yes, that's right! A business for doctors, a business for insurance agencies and a business for the government. Can a cure for this horrible thing not be discovered in 2010? I think it can but it is being kept from us by the government in order to control the population and to get rid of the elderly and anyone else that happens to get stricken by it. Call me crazy, but I think that. Look at how much else the government has hidden from us, covered up and lied about! Watching my Mom's condition deteriorate by the week is simply killing me. We have done radiation and are waiting for the results. 6 weeks they told us for results! Why so long?! Do they know something they are not telling us? I just really cannot stand most of these doctors because to them it is all business. I simply treasure every second I have with my Mom. Last night I cried and cried and cried. And tonight too. It does no good. I wish I could change everything and make it all go away. And I keep feeling horrible because we did not discover it sooner. Had we done so, we might not be in this horrible situation. My Mom is (always has been and always will be) my greatest treasure of my life.

Hi Cynthia, Very sorry you have to be here like I am sorry for the rest of us. I wish this place was more interactive with more people posting. First of all, know that you are doing the right thing by taking care of your Mom. She appreciates it even if she can't show it or say it. And God is watching and will bless you. I lost my Dad 15 years ago and my dog 3 years ago (although I have a new one now who I love, but I always miss the old one). You can read about my situation if you want in other posts, but I am not dealing with this well at all. Also, I am very sorry about your siblings. I know from experience that dealing with this kind of situation with siblings is not always easy at all. Also, I completely understand about the guilt of eating. I feel guilty doing anything other than being by my Mom. I keep telling myself to cherish every single moment with her no matter what the situation. This is the saddest I have ever been in my life. I also feel so hopeless about the future and I am starting not want to continue life without her. That's how much she means to me. Life without her will never be the same. Nothing will. Nothing at all. Every time I do, hear, see, read, watch, or remember or think about anything or go anywhere I will always think about her. Sharla, I completely understand your feeling about people mentioning things your Dad cannot do anymore. However, people sometimes try to make conversation about things they know the person is interested in thinking they are diverting them. I understand your feelings completely and don't think they should tell him about what a great time they had doing something that he cannot do anymore. People deal with things in different ways that we don't always understand nor agree with. And I completely understand what you mean about doctors! I too think they know little about this horrible disease and perhaps even do not want to find a cure for it because it would but them and the insurance companies out of business! We are just numbers to all of them. My heart grieves and aches as I write this. I am so sorry for what everyone is going through. Hugs to all! ((((((( )))))))

Hey Missin sis, First of all here is a big hug ((((((((( ))))))) I am so sorry about your sister! But you cannot blame yourself! And do not feel you have to "rush" this process by any means. Anyone who tells you that you should be "over it" is just plain wrong. Please post here all you want and know that we are all here for you and for each other.

Shelley, Crying is normal and healthy. I do it a lot and I think my siblings think I am emotionally weak and unstable. I find it difficult not to cry in front of my Mom. Lately I have not been. But everyone says we should be "strong" in front of those who are suffering as not to upset them. I can't figure that out. How do you not do that?! Hugs! ((((((( )))))))

I really am slipping. I drank quite a bit the night before last. That is not usual and I always control it and always stay at home. But ever since finding out the news about my Mom, I have not wanted to get up in the morning. It is like this more and more. Yesterday I slept until nearly 3:00 in the afternoon. I just don't want to get up and face life. Everything seems so helpless and sad right now. One should awake with happiness, eagerness and hope. I have awakened daily for the last 3 weeks with sadness, dread and despair. I have never felt this insecure in all of my 45 years.

Well, my family got together for Mother's Day. It was a very bittersweet gathering. Everyone was trying to be happy, but underneath it all was a feeling of sadness. To know what our Mom is going through and knowing this might be the last one we have with her was very sad. All the kids there with her and there wives and my significant other amd a few of the grandkids. I don't think they possibly understand how serious this is and what we are going through, even though 2 of them that were there are now adults. We took pictures and I even borrowed a video camera. I have never done that and I think I wanted to get any thing on video that I could. My Mom was not in the best condition and was really there just for us. I have noticed her physical and mental conditioning deteriorating week by week. I wish they would do the radiation treatment soon which we pray and hope will improve her overall condition. The picture taking. It was so sad. It was as if we were all saying goodbye to her for the last time which we pray and hope we were not. This was such a sad day. Yet a happy one in that she is still here with us. How in the world do you go on when someone you love and have loved your entire life is diagnosed with cancer?! How do you talk to them? How do you act around them? This is so sad!

As you may have read in my other posting, my best friend in my life who is my Mom is sick. She has always been there for me. Always a place and person to fall back on. Along with the sadness I feel about her condition and what may happen (we are praying that it never does), I have several issues with myself which are directly related. First of all, I live in her house with her. It has been great and she has been delighted to have me here. I don't know what the future of the house is, but as of now there is no way I could afford it and I seriously doubt that my siblings will let me stay here or let me have the house at a later time. The house is not paid off by any means. I just finished the school year and my meagre income is now finished until the fall. I have very little (not liveable) income until then. Even then, my income is not enough to survive and live happily and comfortably. I have urges to sell all my belongings, take the money and move to a place where I have always wanted to live. But what then? Start completely over in a strange town with no friends no relatives and no connections whatsoever? And leave the wonderful relationship I have been in for nearly 3 years? It is a huge decision and one I may regret. As of lately, I have been regretting nearly every decision in my adult life and feel completely hopeless and trapped. I have never felt this horrible about life in my entire life. Also, I feel nothing in my life has turned out the way I hoped it would so many years ago. There seems to be no way out whatsoever. I also feel I may make desperate decisions due to all this. I just don't know what to do!!!! I have even thought of suicide, but would never do it. I feel miserable and sad all the time. I must look it also. Sorry and thanks.

Okay, this is a tough time as it is. We are trying to stay strong and help my Mom all we can. That is great. But my siblings are driving me crazy! One of them is in this house all the time, doing things, rearranging things and them being here is really making it uncomfortable for me. It is like I have to tippy-toe around and can't be myself! I am the youngest in the family and live with my Mom. They keep calling it "Mom's house" and have done so for years. It is really insulting. As if to tell me, "this is not your house and you are lucky that Mom lets you live here."

I was just having a conversation with my Mom about her pulmonologist. I am so furious with him! He is a liar, a cheat and a phony! For years, my Mom visited him every 3 months. I always got concerned with these visits. I would ask my Mom, "what did he say?" She would always say, "he said I am fine and to come back and see him in 3 months." I would be relieved. Well, the moron did not have her have a chest x-ray all that time in over 4 years, because he said he "saw nothing that made it seem necessary." Well IDIOT, wouldn't you think that for an 83 year old former smoker that she should have a chest x-ray JUST IN CASE!?? I am not even a doctor and I know that! I am sorry, it has been a very rough month. Problem too is my siblings seem to think he knows what he is doing and if he thought she needed one he would have had her have one. Nonsense! I cannot tell you how furious I am at him.