Aquarius7

I can certainly understand how you feel. I feel more and more lost. It has been over 3 months since I lost my Mom who was my best friend in my entire life. It seems nothing is getting better and everything is getting worse. I cry all the time and feel like a lost soul. Nobody understands how I truly feel and just what this enormous lost has done to my life. And I also mean my siblings. They have no idea the grief and trauma I am experiencing. You mention about wanting to give your Dad a hug or sense him somehow. My Mom used to call me everyday and tell me about things and ask me about things. I miss her so much that I cannot take it anymore! Her voice, her words of encouragement, her listening with interest, her calls to tell me things and remind about things. And just knowing she was there. Now, I have to do it all myself. People are getting and being impatient with me and wanting me to "move on". I simply cannot. I too have to go away from people when I am abotu to cry. I am not the same and people are noticing it. I am noticing it. I just don't have any interest in anything anymore and nothing at all seems to matter anymore. Since my Mom passed away, nothing else matters. It is all meaningless now.

Since I have been an adult orphan since June 3 2010, I have even more than ever come to realize just how great my Mom and Dad were as people and as parents. Without them, the family is in an absolute mess. Everyone is really messed up, though dealing with it in different ways (the others; the greatest denial I have ever seen in my life, me; facing it head-on each and every day). I am doing grief work and have been doing a tremendous amount of grieving. They, from what I can tell, have done little. They simply want to run away from it and not even talked about it In any case, I realize more than ever just how great My Mom and Dad were. Without them, life is aimless and a blur. With them everything seemed clear and focussed, .

The first time I heard this song it made my cry my eyes out. It was about a year after my Dad passed away. Then hearing it a little over a year after while driving on the freeway in Oxnard, California I heard it on the radio. I almost had to pull over because it got to me so much. The reason is because it reminds me of when we were in London 25 years ago this summer when we went to Europe. He knew how much I had always wanted to go there and I know he knew how happy I was. We walked down "Shaftsbury Avenue" many times. Little did I know it at the time, but I was my "walking in the wild west end walking with my wild best friend" (my Mom was my other best friend, she was at home and had been there with my Dad and would go there a few more times). And we certainly went to places similar to Angelucci's in Frith Street the street where my Dad took my picture in front of Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club and later in front of the Marquee Club in Wardour St. I don't know if we rode the "Number 19" bus (probably did) but I certainly will never forget the first time I got on a London bus with my Dad. In London it was "you and me we can't beat". And "Shaftsbury Avenue" was "seventh heaven". Mark Knopfler's guitar (this in itself is enough to get to me everytime) and vocals are so emotional. Listen to this great song if you want to and see if you can understand my feelings and emotions. I miss you Daddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Pattysmooth, I am kind of in your situation. Except for one year in college, I was always living with somebody. And my Mom was always with me and I was always with her since my Dad passed away 15 years ago. My Mom has been gone for 2 months and this is the strangest feeling in the world. Nothing feels the same and nothing is the same. Being used to her being around and doing things for her and with her are all gone now. There is a huge void which never will be filled. I know that me being with her after my Dad passed away was a great help to her. She continued to do many things and in fact she made me stronger when he passed away and greatly helped me with it. And now there is nobody to help me with her loss. People are trying, but it is not really working. And I can honestly say that nobody in my family is dealing with this properly. We need to be empathetic, patient and understanding with and for each other. I am trying to do my part, but the others are not. In fact, I feel the opposite is happening. Most of them want to just avoid it and get it over with (if such a thing is ever possible). So to get back to your question, yes there are others who are alone for the first time in their lives. The loss of my Dad was very sudden and sad. I had no idea it was coming when it did. When my Mom got sick, I knew it was a death sentence. As much as I tried to prepare for it (if you possibly can), it did no good. Her passing is the worst thing I have ever experienced or gone through in my life. It has literally wrecked my life. It is constant intense sadness, anxiety, fear and inner loneliness. Even when around lots of people, I am all alone.

Well it seems I am not doing any better. At all. And I have no doubt that this is hurting me more than anyone else in the family. My Mom and I lived together and she knew me better than all of them and I knew her better than all of them. The only person in my family that probably knew my Mom as well as I did was my Dad. But anyway, I just can't make any progress and feel I am in an endless pit of grief, mourning, sorrow, and despair. My whole life seems to have been a mistake and my Mom's passing is the climax of it all. Everything I did not do and should have done is now clear for all and me to see. So many things I should have done differently which would have made this time not so difficult. Tonight I asked God to just take me. I don't want to be here anymore. I am sick of it and sick of it ALL! I think He will. The way things have gone this year, it would not surprise me if I am next to go. I don't know why He did this to us. I see it as a cruel punishment for any and every single thing wrong I may have done and that my Mom may have done. It is like He is telling me "take THIS!" It all seems so wrong! So my point is I think I need to get help. Going to a grief conselor a few times a month is NOT helping much. She is great, but it is not enough for me. I am beginning to think I need to be put in the hospital for awhile. I could never do that though as it is so expensive. But my little heart and baby soul is torn apart and is not healing whatsoever. Nobody seems to get this at all. Everyone is trying to get me to "move on" and "overcome" it. Sorry, that cannot be done. You never "overcome" this. "Keeping busy" does nothing for grief and mourning. In fact, it only delays it. I tried to give one of my older brothers some reading material on "misconceptions about grief" and he said he "doesn't need that". He and my other brother simply want to be "strong" and be "men" about it. Well, I have read and I believe that men who do cry are very strong and are healthy. But back to me. I am not in good shape emotionally and every day is a tremendous struggle to get through. I am barely sleeping and not eating like I once did. I am in constant anxiety about the future and have tremendous fear of the future. And tremendous regret of much of the past 27 years of my life. I have never felt so lonely in my life. But a large part of me feels that I can go to all the hospitals and therapists I want to, but nothing will ever change how I feel. Because this whole experience has changed me forever.

Hi Misswavy, First, welcome! Second, here is a hug! ((((((( ))))))) I can't tell you how much I can relate to how you are feeling, as I am sure others here do. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I lost my Mom, who was and always will be my BEST FRIEND OF MY ENTIRE LIFE, who was only 83 (yes, she lived a great life but should have and could have lived so many more!). I am sorry, I just lost it as I write this! CRYING MY EYES OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just came back from the other room. Sorry, I went and cried for about 10 minutes and had a real, real bad moment. My heart constantly aches and I really can barely function. I cry at least 5 times a day. It doesn't matter when. Anytime I feel it, it happens. Recently it has been happening more and more in front of other people and I have to turn away from them and go somewhere else before I lose it. There is this constant missing of her, constant fear of the future being without her and constant regret for not preparing myself for when she would no longer be here. I certainly had no idea it would be this sudden and soon. I am feeling desperate and more and more lonely as each day goes by. I take our dog out (she was hers too) and feel so sad because she loved our dog so much. I know our dog is sad and misses my Mom too. We are here in the house all alone where we lived. Lots of times I just cry my eyes out while hugging our dog. She always licks me when this happens as if to show me she loves me, which she does. Black Labradors are the greatest! Anyway, you can read my other posts to understand more what I have been going through and are going through. Thanks for reading! We are all here for each other!

The other night I went to the corner drugstore where my Mom used to do a lot of her shopping and where I shopped a lot with her and for her. I have been there a few times and it is not easy. The main reason I went this night was to return some of the things we had bought that she had never used. The manager knew who my Mom was and has been very sympathetic. It was very kind of him to give me a credit for so many items. I know he will be blessed for such kindness. Anyway, after doing that and then shopping I heard the music played over the speakers. For some reason, hearing the song and some of the lyrics made me absolutely lose it! It is a good thing it was late and there were not many other customers in the store! I tried to control myself but found myself going numb and could not move. Someone must have told the manager because he came and checked on me. I made it through when the song ended and was able to check out. But the words to the song I heard (though in my mind at the time were different to what the song's is actually about) and the music just got to me. It is in the key of E-flat major which is a beautiful, yet very melancholic key. In fact I listened to it a moment ago and completely lost it all over again. Well, here it is and it is a tear-jerker: And the words that just literally PARALYZE me: Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again. If you wake up and I'm not there I won't be long away 'cause the things you do my goodbye girl will bring me back to you. So remember goodbye doesn't mean forever. Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again. Though we may be so far apart, you still would have my heart. So forget your past, my goodbye girl 'cause now your home at last.

Niamh, I read these paragraphs and broke down crying because it is so sad to read you feel this way. And also because I feel the exact same way about losing my precious Mom! Every time I see something that reminds me of my Mom, constantly (because EVERYTHING reminds me of her!) I feel so sad and helpless. There is no escaping it and there never will be. I lost the greatest friend I have ever had and will ever have. I will never be the same and my life will never be the same. I just don't know if I can keep going like this. I do not think that I can. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I think you and I have very similar situations and relationships with our lost parents; you with your Dad and me with my Mom, although losing my Mom is just making me miss my wonderful Dad (who I lost 15 years ago) so much more and making me realize just how much he loved me, even though he rarely showed it outwardly. I realize now more than ever how great my parents were and how much they loved me. I knew it when they were alive but realize it even more now that they are gone. I constantly think about the great times and the not so great times (which even seem not as bad compared to not having them alive). But mostly the great times (of which there were far more) and it is just killing me. Life was so much easier back then and so much better without a doubt, than now. Without them, little seems to matter anymore and priorities have changed completely. In fact, I feel completely lost without them. Even though people are around me, I feel all alone in the world. Crying heavily as I write all this. I JUST WANT MY MOM AND DAD BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Kansas, Sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. HUGS((((((( ))))))) !!!!!!! I lost my Mom on June 3. My life has been completely wrecked in so many ways. I simply can't handle it and find it almost impossible to function at times. No matter what age our parents are when they pass away, it is always awful. I know that I can certainly relate to how you are feeling about wishing you had done this or that. I did a lot with my Mom, but wish we had done more. I too cry all the time. At least once a day. My Mom was the greatest in the world to me and life is not enjoyable or easy without her. In fact, it is the exact opposite. Looking back, all the years she was alive were very enjoyable and easy with her in my life, even though at the time they may not have seemed that way. This is no doubt the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. I am a wreck and constantly depressed and sad. I have not taken medication, nor do I intend to. All that does in my opinion is hide the feeling and it is similar to being intoxicated and not facing the reality. I am really starting to think that this extreme grief and upheaval will shorten my life by many years. In fact, I would not be surprised at all if I die in the next few months from a broken heart. The grief is literally killing me. And nobody around me seems to see how serious this is and in how much pain and hurt I am really in. You are doing great things for your Mom now as I am sure you did when she was still on this earth. She is alive alright, but just on another level in a better place.

That's great! Good for you!

My Mom has not been gone for even 2 months. I am still in extreme shock and am in an extremely fragile emotional state. I live in the house where my Mom and I lived for the last 36 years. Now it is just me and our wonderful dog. I was trying to do better. Was actually feeling a little better for a day or so. In other words, I did not cry for a day! But then what I knew was going to happen started happening even faster than I expected. My brother started wanting to get moving on the succession. My other brother agreed with this and my sister just went along with it. Since my brother is a lawyer, they all think he knows what is best. Well, he is an extremely non-emotional person with no sentimental value to anything at all. So for the last few days I have been getting and reading tons of emails about the "succession" (a word I hate! Along with "estate"). He is such a control freak; basically telling everyone what they "need" to do. Not a word about my Mom in all this; other than how she may not have been able to remember passwords, accounts and all that kind of nonsense which is indeed nonsense in the grand scheme of things! So now, they are pushing to get things "moving" including trying to "clean up and clear out the house", which of course translates to me having to pack up and move. This is all very "businesslike" with no mention of the history of the house, its meaning and sentiment in the family. It is only a piece of my Mom's "estate" which needs to be "put in the succession". And of course "the succession needs to take place as soon as possible." I was so FURIOUS I could have just SCREAMED! I still am furious and have developed a strong dislike for my brothers and their insensitivity towards my Mom's memory and all she ever did for us, their insensitivity towards my severe grieving (of which they have NO IDEA about!), not to mention my having to move from the place I have called "home" for 36 years. Deep down, I think they are enjoying it. For years, at least one of them had told me on several occasions over the past 20 years "well...you need to move out." Not taking into account the strong bond I had with both my Mom and Dad with whom I was no doubt closer with than any of them (another fact that I know they greatly resent). I told them I want to stay in the house and would like to buy them out. They are encouraging me to try to, but I think this is a sarcastic statement by them because they know all too well of my meagre income. I went to the bank today and told an officer about my idea of wanting to get the house and about my situation. I actually broke down and cried in front of her. That's how much this whole issue if affecting me not to mention how utterly devastated I am about losing not only my Mom, but also my Dad all over again. To make matters worse, the girl I want to marry told me she does not want to have to pay another 30 year mortgage when her own house (way too small for both of us) will be paid off in a few years. I love her dearly and can understand her point. But this house would be perfect for us. With both of our incomes combined and by selling her house, we could do it! And most of all I know that that is exactly what my Mom would want! I wish she would have willed the house entirely to me, but I think she was afraid to upset the others (even though they all have their big,fancy, nearly paid off houses). So that is where I am. I am sorry this is so long, but this has been a really tough week not to mention year. I fell on the floor crying tonight and went outside of the house wailing and crying as I took the trash out. I just cannot believe the insensitivity of some people. They think I have a problem, but it is they who really have a problem. It is called not having any soul and being completely heartless. It is sickening!

Hi Lizzie, First of all here is are some HUGS! ((((((( ))))))) I am very sorry to hear about your grandma. You and her were obviously very close. Do know that she is always with you and knew you loved her very much as she loved you. She is at peace.

Hi Marion Claire, I am so sorry for your losses. HUGS! (((((((( ))))))). Have you gone to any type of grief sessions or grief counseling? It might be a good idea. I have done a little and it helps a little. Nothing is the same though without my Mom and Dad who I miss so much.

Hey Eteh, Just sending you some hugs ((((((( ))))))). I am very sorry for your loss of your Dad. It is not unusual to overeat or undereat after losing a loved one. But if I may offer you a suggestion, I would say to try to exercise if possible. It will help a little and maybe help you not to gain weight if you are overeating.

Hi, I am very sorry about your loss of your Mom. Hugs! ((((((( ))))))). You are in the right place though. All of us here have lost someone(or more than one someone) who we miss and love very much. My Mom passed away on June 3, 2010. My life has not been the same since. A extremely large part of my life is now gone. You can read my other posts to know my story. Losing one's parent or parents is the worst thing in life as far as I am concerned. Losing a child must be just as horrible, but in a different way.I constantly think about my Mom and simply cannot believe, nor accept this. It was all so sudden and unexpected. All I do now is think about how many great times we had together. It makes me happy yet at the same time makes me miss her even more. This is also making me miss my Dad all over again. He has been gone for 15 years and now I am grieving not just about my Mom, but also about my Mom and Dad as parents and not just individually. I miss them both so much. I look back on all the years and times I had with them. Not all good, but mostly they were. I truly miss the great times and never could have dreamt of the day that they would not be here. Oh, how much I would love to just go to dinner with them once more. Or take a ride with them. Or go ride bicycles with them. Or go to a movie with them. Or just sit at home and watch TV with them. My heart literally aches as I write this and I am crying my eyes out and sobbing. I can clearly remember back in 1981-82 watching Magnum P.I., Simon & Simon and Hill Street Blues (in that order) with them on Thursday nights. Life was so great back then. Please post here as much as you need to. I, for one am on your wing.

Hi Niamh, I cannot say I know exactly how you feel. But I can certainly relate! I too, am feeling extremely lonely. I have people around me but the world feels so cold and alone. I am so scared at times. My Mom was always there to talk to, to get advice from and always willing to help me whether I needed it or not. I am so lonely without her being in my life and knowing there is never going to be a time when she will be here again. It still has not sunk in and I don't want it to. I just want to wake up from this horrible dream that I am living. I can honestly say that I have never felt this way in all my years. I can't stand it and it is horrible. Life is forever changed and I don't like it. I try to explain to people about my feelings, but nobody truly understands it. Every day is sad. Every night is sad. Every moment is sad. I see her things everywhere, where she used to sit, her coffee cups, her food and snacks still in the refrigerator and kitchen. It is never ending. WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! She really was too young to go despite being 83! She was so full of life, love and enthusiasm just a few months ago! I always thought she would have made it to 88 or 90. I just can't believe this at all! This is supposed to "make me stronger"?? Well, guess what? I am so depressed and weak that I can barely get out of bed in the morning! I just don't want to face life anymore. I am sick of it all and nothing interests me like it used to. Everything is lousy without my BEST FRIEND around. Knowing she is gone ruins EVERYTHING! I just don't care about anything anymore. I make myself do things, but it is all half-hearted and lifeless. It has no meaning and I really don't care about any of it. Like you, I just wish I could see my Mom and talk with her! If God could do me a favor, it would be let me communicate with her and let me have a long conversation with her. I need to talk to her so much and tell her how much I miss her and ask her WHAT TO DO! I would much rather have gone first except for the fact that she could not have handled me going before her. I talked and talked with her before she left, but cancer is a horrible thing and makes people not themselves as the horrible bastard disease that it is progresses in the body and mind. We talked but sometimes because of what the horrible bastard disease was doing to her, we could not communicate like we had when she was herself. I cry and cry and cry. You can tell by the time of my posts that my nights are mostly sleepless. I am just a lost soul without her. I will never be able to say goodbye to my Mom who was and is MY BEST FRIEND OF MY ENTIRE LIFE! I remember hearing this great song when I was a little kid even with my parents and family. It made me sad then and does now.

My Mom passed away on June 3, 2010. And her birthday is July 3, 2010. It was a very sad day. And our usual birthday/4th of July get together was not the same without her. We all were trying to have a good time, but it was not really happening. I just can't try to be happy when my best friend of my entire life was taken from me and is gone forever from my life here on this earth. Every day is horrible without her. I cannot get motivated about things and everything I do is forced and not fulfilling. I make myself do things in order to not go crazy and to try not to dwell on her absence. I cried tonight thinking about her as I do nearly every day and/or night. Each and every morning is horrible waking up without my best friend. I just miss her so much! (I just broke out crying as I type this!) SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Peach, I am sorry for your Mom's passing and for your regrets. Hugs! ((((((( ))))))) I think we all have regrets about what we did or did not say. I know I certainly did. My Mom has been gone for a month and 3 days and it is absolutely killing me. I still cannot believe it. Believe me, even if you are there when your parent goes, it does not make it a whole lot better. I was with my Mom in hospice in the house. The last few days were so strange. She was there, yet she wasn't. We were all just waiting and wating for the moment. It was horrible. Then it happened. When it did it was horrible. I remember it like it was yesterday. The worst moment and day of my life. Your Mom is watching over you now. You can tell her all the things you wanted to and know she is there. She will hear you and knows what you meant to say. She will always be watching you and seeing what you do now and in the future.

Hi Momof4, Your post is so sad! I am so sorry for your loss of your Mom! HUGS! (((((((( )))))))). I just lost my Mom almost a month ago. I simply can't take it! I want to SCREAM all the time! I can relate to you not wanting to go to Kohl's. My Mom had a Walgreen's where she used to always go and supermarket where she used to go. I have to go to these places and there is no avoiding them because they are near our house (I still consider it her house too and always will!). It kills me driving past them and going inside of them. And holidays. I can't begin to think about what they will be without her. Christmas, Easter, Birthdays...she always made them special. Her birthday is this Saturday and I don't know how I will get through it. She would have only been 84. But I am glad to say that I always treated her birthdays and holidays as if they might be the last. Always gave her a cake, cards, presents, flowers...everything I could think of. It sounds like you are doing a great job with your children in dealing with this. I have no kids and am the youngest in my family. I feel like nobody understands how hard I am taking this. I mean, there are days where I can barely function. I don't want to wake up in the morning and I don't want to go to sleep at night. I wake up every single morning feeling nothing but heartache, grief and despair. It sounds like you have a strong support group. You will have that here too.

Hi Tiffany, First of all, welcome to this great place. I am sorry we all have to be here, but this place has helped me keep my sanity to a degree and probably helped save my life. You are in the right place. Second of all, here is a hug ((((((( ))))))). I am so sorry about your Mom and all that happened. No doubt it was very rough for you. Maybe you and your boyfriend can get back together? I hope so if that is what you want. I can relate to some of what you said about your Mom's deteriorating condition. My Mom was the same way for the last week of her life. She was saying she wanted to go and asking why we were keeping her here. It was horrible. Other people who have not been through this simply cannot understand. My Mom had cancer in her brain too. It had spread from her lungs. Anything she may have said or did that was "weird" you can blame directly on that. I know from experience. That "weirdness" however excludes "visions" or "visitations" from those who have passed away before her. My Mom was having them and calling out to her parents. My siblings think she was hallucinating, but I know she was seeing them and communicating with them. You did a great thing by staying with her for 10 days as she slipped away. You should feel great that you were there for her. Many people are not when their parents get like that. Over a year?! My goodness, I cannot imagine what I will be going through. It will be a month for me on Saturday and I don't think I can handle it. It just gets worse all the time for me. It still has not sunk in and I do not want to accept it. Maybe I too need to see a psychiatrist? Not going to take medication. Forget it! I have stayed away from alcohol however. Well meaning friends cannot understand what I am going through, nor can my siblings. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life and my life has changed completely. I am a different person than who I used to be. I simply do not like my life anymore. Nothing interests me. Nothing is fun anymore. Nothing is funny. I don't want to do anything. All I want to do is sleep to avoid the reality of it all. At times, I want to die. I simply do not care about this life anymore. The greatest person in my entire life was taken away from me way too soon and in a most vicious and cruel manner. I feel this was a punishment for something or many things that I have done. Yet, I am not a bad person, have never done anything to hurt anyone and always try to do the right thing. Yet, this is thrust upon me at this time in my life. My hope was for my Mom to live a really long life and go peacefully one day in a natural way in the way distant future. And my Mom did not deserve it either. Sure, she was not perfect, but my goodness, for her to recieve this sudden horrible news (a death sentence) suffer like she did had to have been an act of a vengeance. Everyone keeps telling me it is not, but how could it not be. Certainly it was not an act of kindness to anyone but the doctors who always make all the money in these horrible things. How am I supposed to be happy? I am sorry to ramble and I know you have your own griefing. But you did the right thing being with your Mom. She knows that you were there for her. Thanks for listening.

Thanks Shelley and thanks Marty! I am seeing a grief conselor. My Mom was in hospice and I am seeing the hospice organization's grief conselor. She has been great and been very patient with me. She also came to my Mom's service. This is going to be a very long road and I know I cannot do it alone. I feel certain people in my family are going to want to hurry through this process and I simply cannot and will not. I can barely get up in the morning and have not been sleeping well at all. But! I did play my drums tonight for the first time in about a month! That was a major milestone because doing it feels so strange. My Mom used to listen to me practice and going out of my music room and not having her there for any comments or feedback is simply destroying me. Sometimes she would even come ask me to stop playing and I even miss that a lot too. But mostly she would praise me and just knowing she was listening was enough. She even had her own earmuffs if it was too loud for her. All the years of playing music she was there for me and was my biggest fan. Being in the house without her is a major challenge. It just feels so weird! It is so quiet and so lonely. I still cannot believe that she is never, ever coming back! Why did God do this to me?! I have not been perfect nor claim to be, but why must this all have happened now?! And it is not just her absence that has me grieving. It is my future and financial situation. I am scared to death about everything! I feel there is little hope and that my life will never be as happy as it once was. Had I a stable and guaranteed income and secure financial situation, this whole situation would not be as bad as it is. As I have said, my whole life has changed and I am sure will change some more. I don't like it one bit and am dreading the future. I am also supposed to have an operation soon. I don't know if I can afford it. I can't stand any of this.

Hi Shelly. You and me both! In addition to grieving my wonderful Mom's passing, I have tons to deal with. Not only did I get one, but got two letters from the IRS saying I owe back taxes from 2 years! And a business I deal with wants their money; money I went out and earned FOR THEM! They want it NOW! Then, I have to have a hip replacement in the future (can't wait forever for that one). I don't know if I should do it now or wait until later. It too will cost a lot of money. But my future seems so uncertain living situation wise and financially. Had my Mom still been alive, all of this would have been so much easier. She just knew how to deal with things. Were she still here and well, none of this would be as bad as it is. She always had my back and always helped me with things and guided me right. Now, I have no idea what to do or how to do it. Frankly, I am scared to death about life! Sometimes I am ready to check out right now. I even have thought about how I would do it. I know I won't though. She and my Dad certainly would not want that and I certainly don't. But life is seeming more unbearable as the days go on. I have never been this miserable in all my life and never expected to ever be. I am even starting to sell things that I own to try to make ends meet, as I know the money is running out day by day. It is horrible! I think about how great things used to be even as recently as last year. My life has changed forever and I honestly do not like it anymore. My DEAREST, CLOSEST AND BEST FRIEND OF MY ENTIRE LIFE was taken from me 3 weeks ago last night. Nothing else matters. Nothing makes me laugh. Nothing makes me smile. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing is the same and nothing will ever be the same again. I am absolutely miserable. My life and all I loved about it has been ruined. I am crying as I write this. I am seeing a grief counselor and she is helping a little.

I really don't believe in "coincidences". I think this was a sign from your Dad. No doubt about it. What are the chances of that being the first song coming on? I believe there are a lot of things that happen in this world that we cannot understand. I also think that our loved ones are pulling for us while they are in Heaven watching over us. They pray for us and ask God to help us as they certainly know what we are going through and what we need. They are with us.

Hugs to you niamh. ((((((( ))))))) I miss my Mom so much it is actually becoming more and more unbearable (if that's possible) by the day. I was just saying out loud today, "I don't want any of this! I just want Mama back!!" Can somebody please tell me this is all a bad dream and I will wake up soon? Please! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!