Aquarius7

Hi there, I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a Mom is one of the worst experiences I think a human can go through. Even though I am a guy, I have had (and still have) some serious emotional problems since my Mom left 11 months and 3 days ago. Like you, she was my best friend in my entire life. I am walking around in a fog since then and don't know if I am coming or going. I can relate to your feelings. For more on my pathetic story, you can read my posts if you're interested. I can tell how close you were t oyour Mom. I certainly nknow how it is when nobody seems to be there. Even my own family has been very lacking in support. My girlfriend is trying to be great about it (and she is) but she has no idea what I am going through at all. I really feel very alone most of the time. My dog (who was also my Mom's dog) is grieving with me. We are all we each have I feel sometime. She understands me and I understand her. Her heart is brotken over this loss too. My Mom loved her and she loved my Mom. Please try to keep reaching out though. Go to support groups and read any and all kinds of books on parental loss. It has helped me a little. Most of all come here a lot. Wonderful people here. This place has saved my sanity many times. Please keep in touch!

Man, oh man. I had forgotten about this one. Wonderful song by Jack Lancaster, with others on it including Phil Collins. Always reminded me of my Dad and now with the loss of my Mom it reminds me of her too. And where they are now. I just hope they will Save A Place For Me.

Hi, I can relate to all you write about. I too, am having a lot of the same feelings as you; not being able to sleep, seeing others "move on" (that one, I really can't deal with because it all seems SO fresh to me and others are acting like it is all done with) and your feelings of being angry, scared, sad and helpless. Not having my Mom and Dad anymore is the absolute worse feeling I have ever felt in my life. It has totally changed me and I really care about little anymore. Nothing else seems to matter like it did before. It is all trivial. I am caring less and less about things. Maybe that is not good or maybe it is good. In any case, I don't care about much. In fact, at times I am ready to leave this world too. It is such a lousy and cruel place thanks to the selfishness of the human race. I just miss my Mom and Dad like I never, ever thought I would. Sorry to vent.

You did a great thing swedishfish. He will greatly appreciate it, no doubt.

Hey Blue Eyes, I understand how you feel. My Dad has been gone for 16 years and I miss him all the time. My Mom has been gone for 8 months and it still has not sunken in. I am so sorry for your loss. Your in my prayers and thoughts.

Thanks Nicholas and Marty! Great articles and references! Thanks again!

Well here I am again. Almost 7:00 AM and I have not been to bed! I think that staying up is keeping me from facing the loneliness of being without my Mom. Life itself is very lonely without her. I can't take it! My whole life feels and is different. I stay up almost all night every night. I don't know why. I am just in such shock from it all. It has been 8 months and still nothing. I don't feel much better and nobody I know seems to understand just how horrible this loss has been for me. I hardly talk to my siblings anymore and will continue to do so less and less because of the way they have been through this whole ordeal. They are trying to act like they care about me, but I am not buying it. I won't get started about it. But anyway, I think I have insomnia. Losing my Mom (and the house we lived in) is simply unbearable. I can't take it anymore!

Hi Tammy, First of all Happy Belated Birthday fellow Aquarian! I have to agree with the replies you have received. Everyone does grieve differently. I don't think that this is understood by people enough (myself included). That being said, I do think that some avoid grief altogether and in your situation, seeing you with someone else is bringing out the grief they are avoiding. I also agree that they are feeling guilty for their lack of support when you knew Jeff was sick. I don't think now is a good time to communicate about it all. Give it some time and let things settle a bit. I know that it can be weird seeing someone with someone else (other than their spouse) after the passing of that person. Some people have a real hard time with it. But I am sure that Jeff would want you to be happy with Steve. I had a real weird dream many years ago when I in a serious relationship with a woman who had lost her husband. Even though it was 10 years after his passing, at times I felt really guilty; as if I was taking something that was his. In the dream, he appeared to me saying that he had lost his chance to be a good husband and had his time with her and their son. He told me to be happy with them and please take great care of them. I have no doubt that this was more than a dream. I believe his spirit was telling me it was okay. I am sure Jeff would feel the same about Steve. Just the fact that you talk about him shows you are honoring him and that Steve respects him. It is all good!

That is beautiful Niamh! I KNOW your Daddy would love it and does! I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is my first Christmas without parents. It is just not the same and none of it has sunken in yet. To add to it, my Dad's birthday is December 24th. We always had a party for him when I was younger (he mainly wanted to have for the kids to enjoy; not for him). I still think about it every year. Also, my Dad used to read me "The Night Before Christmas" every year when I was little. I loved it and I know I have the book that was his. I went to look for it and I can't find it! Reading to my dog would have made me feel a little closer to him. My Mom being gone too is just too much. It doesn't feel like Christmas. I can't describe how it feels. HUGS to you! ((((( )))))

As of late, I cannot get up in the morning and when I do, it is very slow. Every morning as I awake there is the reminder that this is a new life without my Mom. I don't like it. Don't like it at all. I have no excitement about starting the day. I would rather stay in bed. Going out into the world is the last thing I want to do. Waking up and realizing yet again, that they are gone and are never coming back. And that ultimately, I am alone. I always had them as backup for any situation. Nobody is there for you like your parents in any given situation. The world is a much scarier place without them. If only I had listened to what they told me all those years ago and had not denied that this day would ever come. I just wish they could come back and we could have one breakfast, lunch or dinner together at any restaurant they chose. I would ask them what to do and how to be. It just kills me that I cannot communicate with them. I am lost without them. They told me this day would come and worried about me for when it would happen. Now I cannot ask them for help, nor rely on them for anything at all. So I am in a deep depression. I can't get out of it.

My Mom has been gone 6 months this December 3rd. I just cannot believe this is happening. And now it is Christmas. The first Christmas without my wonderful Mom. Well, nothing is the same. I can't stand the going out and Christmas shopping. I saw the Christmas cards for "Mom" in the Hallmark store and it liked to have killed me. To know my Mom is not here to get a card for. It is the saddest and weirdest feeling. Tonight it really it me: Mama won't be here this Christmas. Or any other ones. I cannot express how empty I feel inside. I have no excitement about it and no interest in it. Yeah, I am giving presents and all that, but I feel it is almost superficial. I really would like to skip Christmas off this year and get away from it all. But I can't Today, I was longing for my wonderful Dad too. He would be 86 today. I just cannot express how lonely I feel without my Mom and Dad. I can have lots of people in my life, but without them it is still lonely. I just miss them so much.

Carol Ann, I am so sorry about what you are going through. You are in my prayers! We are all here for each other! HUGS! ((((((( )))))))

Yes! It does!

Lately I have been really feeling like this is going to kill me. The losses, the emotions, the sadness, the grief, the mourning, the reality of it all, the tragedy of it all and the repercussions of it all. Can we die from grief? I think so. I know of(not personally) at least one person (about 44) who got cancer less than a year after losing her daughter (18 years old). She just never, ever recovered. The grief and sadness took their toll on her. Then suddenly she was sick and died. Also, the death of her daughter distanced her relationship between her and her husband (it was their only child). He did everything he could to help, but she wanted no part of it. Then she was dead. I know of another couple where the husband died (about 98) and his wife (about 78) died just less than a year later. He was everything in the world to her and his passing left her little to live for. I am wondering how many people this happens to. I really feel it could happen to me because I really cannot take this much longer. Lately, I have even been having occasional physical aches and pains which I think are related to the grief of it all. Has anyone else known of experiences like the ones I have mentioned. Does grief kill? I think so.

Glad to know!

Hi Charlotte, I am so sorry for all these losses you have dealt with and are dealing with. I too lost my Mom in June. She was the greatest friend in my entire life. I am not taking her loss well at all and am trying to find a reason to keep on living. Life is just not what it used to be without my wonderful Mom (and Dad). But somehow I try to keep going. I am also sorry that you all did not get along too well. But you made up for that by the way you took care of her when she needed you. As for anti-depressants, I tried them for 3 days and got off of them. I won't go back to them either because I did not like the way they made me think and feel and also I need to deal with this in reality. Not some drug-induced phony euphoria. I prefer my own therapy and just letting it all out. Sometimes I cry so much that I become very thirsty from the loss of water in by body. I am glad you have your husband and kids (sounds like they really don't understand; they are a bit young to really get it). We are all here for each other. HUGS! ((((((( )))))))

I just cannot stop thinking about my Mom and Dad. Lately, all I have been doing is thinking about the times we had together. All of them; the not so good, and the very good. And the great ones too! Back then, it just seemed like they would be there forever. I just could never imagine them not being there and just how horrible and hard it would be. So now, not only am I grieving my wonderful Mom but also my wonderful Dad and them together as wonderful parents. I cry about it all the time and it never gets better. I think of all the times they asked me to go somewhere with them (eat out, movie, trip, etc.) and all the times I said no and that I was too busy. How stupid of me! I did say yes quite a few times, but it was never enough. I realize now that they were my best friends in my entire life, who knew me better than anyone. And now they are both gone. I am crying now as I write this. People say, "oh well, think of all the years you had with them. Some people never had that." Yeah, I know. But I did and I treasure every moment I had with them. Why doesn't anyone ever teach us how to deal with this when it happens? Another thing is that I cannot find anywhere locally for group therapy for adult children who have lost their parents.

Hi Anthony, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I lost my Mom on 6/3/10 only a month before her 84th birthday. You can read my story in other posts of mine if you are interested. You should not be doing the "what if's". You did all you could. I am glad you know that your Mom is with you. Keep posting all you need to. We are all here for each other.

This morning I dreamt that I was in some strange house in the middle of nowhere. It was really a desolate place and not a happy one. There was somebody else with me who I can't think who it was. He ran off looking for someone. I think the person he was looking for was his Dad or maybe mine, but I am not sure. Then, I wanted to call my Mom. I just desperately needed to talk to her. But I knew I could not. I cannot tell you how strange it all was. I know what this is: I am a lost soul at the moment in a state of limbo. Nothing feels right. Nothing is right. I feel I have no home anymore. Nothing feels stable. This scenario in the dream describes exactly how I feel about my life at the moment: Hopeless. Meaningless. A waste. Not where I want to be. I need my Mom and Dad more than ever and they are gone.

I here you niamh. I am the same way too. But I really think some people just don't know what to say or do. I really think being angry is not going to do you any good. We can't expect everyone to be there for us like your Dad was for you or my Mom and Dad were for me. I cry all the time about things. Anytime I go anywhere or do anything, there they are: Mom and Dad. The other night I cried my eyes out while driving to the school fair at the church where they used to attend mass and my Dad's memorial service was and where my sister got married. I was thinking about how great things were once upon a time and how happy and vital Mom and Dad once were. I was crying and saying "I miss you guys!" I just get lonlier and lonlier. Anyway, I am always here for you if you need to vent.

As much as I try to, I simply do not like my life anymore. This is since my Mom passed away. Nothing is the same, I don't live in the house I loved anymore (I was evicted by my siblings who made me leave and want to sell it for no other reason than money), I cannot do the things I used to love doing anymore like I used to and everything and everyone feels different to me. I don't like any of it. I am not a happy person. Everything is much more difficult and things are more complicated. Without Mom and Dad, my relationship to my siblings feels like a relationship to strangers. They have done nothing but hurt me and have been very spiteful and mean even amidist all this grief and loss. I just miss my Mom and Dad and the love they gave all of us throughout all of our lives. I see it now more than ever. Life is simply not the same and never, ever will be again. I feel like running away from all of it. I don't want any of it anymore. Even my possessions mean little to me anymore. I feel like throwing everything out taking my dog and just leaving town for I don't know where. I can't take any of this anymore.

Well, I just can't trust any of them... Last weekend I had to go out of town. They used this opportunity to raid the house while I was not there. I knew they were going to do it and they knew I would not be there so to them it was a perfect opportunity to do whatever they wanted. First of all, when I told my oldest brother that my fiance did not want the refrigerator anymore (because she realized it did not match the rest of her kitchen) he hung up on me. What an EGO! So WHAT?! It is just a refrigerator and he can certainly afford 10 of them. This was my Mom's and I would like to have kept it in my family somehow. Then I went to the house to dig through about 5 bags of "trash" that they had put to the curb. I could not believe some of the things that I saved. To them, it is all junk, but to me it is all part of my Mom's (and Dad's in some cases) life story and history. Such as memorabalia from all the places she travelled and things, activities and people she was involved with. Does it all just not matter anymore because she is not here with us physically anymore? Then there was the TV. In 1993, My Dad wanted a new TV for Mom and Dad's room. Being happy that I had just returned from Japan and trying to be nice in general, he let me pick out the one I thought was the best one. I picked the Panasonic. He wanted me to sign and date the user's manual; which I did happily. Well, I told them I wanted that TV and it was set up in the den where I left it. Then I hear that it was moved to my room (as if to tell me "get it out of here. It and you are in the way of us selling this house and making money.") So I find the TV in my room. Then looking in the trash what do I find but the remote control for it and the owner's manual (with my name on it!)! I lost it! I must have been shouting very loudly because shortly thereafter while in my carport going through trash who should pull up to my neighbor's house but a police vehicle. He got out and approached my house. I told him what was going on and why I had been shouting. He seemed to understand and asked if anyone else was there. I said there wasn't. He went on his way and everything was fine. But that is how intense things are getting. And then there was the story of the cake mixer that has been in the family for probably about 50 years! Seeing that I had put it in the donation area, I put it in the kitchen thinking someone might want it. My Mom made us all birthday cakes with it and used it all the time throughout my life. Nope! Found out it too got donated to the Salvation Army. I went there this morning and by a miracle a worker there found it and returned it to me. I gave her a hug. Just got to find the beaters and bowl (which can be replaced; the mixer can't). I also saw a piece of furniture that was ours that I did not want. I had second thoughts about it and wanted it again. Someone had already won it in an auction. The whole situation was so sad. What gets me is how these people (they are not even that to me; they are not human and have no hearts and consciences) can be so detached from Mom and Dad's memory and all the did for us. It is like their attitude is "well they are gone now, that was the past, time to move on." End of story. Mom and Dad are to be forgotten about and nothing they did really matters anymore. That is their whole attitude about everything. "And the house has no meaning and is sitting there costing us all money (which they have lots of) and the sooner we sell it and the sooner this all gets done the sooner we can move forward." Not a mention about grieving, taking time out, recognizing all Mom and Dad made and perhaps making some kind of scrapbook with highlights of the many things they did in their lives. No. To them, it should all go in the trash and be forgotten about. Oh, did I ever mention that I found my Mom's wedding dress thrown in the trash? Luckily, I recovered it.

Hi Karen, Welcome to the forum! I am sorry you and the rest of us are here. But here is a cyber hug ((((((( ))))))) I too lost my Mom. I am now an adult orphan. Unfortunately my siblings have no clue as to what that is as I have studied and am doing grief work while they just live in denial and avoid the issue. You can read my story in my other posts. I am so sorry about the loss of your Mom. What you are doing is good: let your feelings out here.

Hi Linda, Ron and niamh, Thank you all for your kindness and support. It is greatly appreciated and extremely helpful. Linda, you are correct: men do not cry enough and are too afraid of looking weak. Both my brothers are exactly like that and all along have talked about the need to "man up". Needless to say, I do not think they are grieving and are avoiding the whole issue of grief. I, on the other hand, am reading and posting here and have already read 3 books on losing parents. I am learning a lot and it is helping albeit in small ways. My heart is broken that she does not want to get married at this moment. I know it is a sad time, but no doubt my Mom would have wanted us to be married now. I have no doubt about that. It was one of her last wishes. How she could think that I am just looking for a place to live is beyond me if that is indeed what she thinks. We have been together for 3 happy years. What is really killing me is that we did not marry back in 2009 before all this happened. Things would be much different in the big picture. But as usual, I put it off. How stupid! If I could not tell she was "the one" in the first year, there is something drastically wrong with me. That is all I have been thinking about: how much I blew it and should have seen the signs immediately and took nothing for granted. This too is adding to my tremendous grief and sadness. Ron, You are a saint my man! All you have been through and to have such a forgiving and letting go attitude. I will aim to emulate your grace and control. I am very sorry about Denise. Maybe you can reconnect with her since time has passed and hopefully everything has settled down? I really hope so if that is what you want. I wil indeed keep posting here. At the moment, I do not have Internet at the apartment so I post from work when I can. As far as exercise, I totally agree. The problem is I need a hip replacement. My hip hurts more and more. I cannot run anymore. I was supposed to have had surgery in July, but the surgeon was not for it. So upon his advice I am living with it and dealing with it until surgery has to be done. But I will indeed exercise and get out as much as I can. Niamh, I am so sorry about your Dad. I understand how much you miss him. You are so right: The house is such a part of my life. To them, it is nothing. They have their own houses and the house has no sentimental value for them. All they care about is money. I really think that when all this is done (if I survive it and live that long) I will never speak to any of them again. In fact, I have thought abour writing them all a letter when that time comes and tell them what I really think about how horribly they handled this whole tragedy and what they did to my parents' memory and to my life. I have seen sides of them that I never knew existed. I knew this day would come one day, but this is much worse than I ever imagined. I feel it (is as in Ron's situation) very vindictive and spiteful: I had a much closer relationship with Mom and Dad then any of them did and was the youngest in the family. They think I got everything I ever wanted and had it easy. Now they want to make life as hard as possible for me and are enjoying seeing me suffer and struggle. To them, it is long overdue and is payback for all I had that they never did. In fact, I even have overhead them saying things like "oh I better look through this box to see if there is anything I might want" (mimicking me)". And another time my oldest brother was overheard saying "I told him he has to get moving" To which I said, "what was that?" to which he said, "oh, I just said you got to get moving", (and tried to sound "nice" about it) I would be really surprised if a verbal and physical altercation does not happen before this is all done. I cannot take any of it much longer. This morning on the way to work I was asking God to just take me from this world. I don't want it anymore. None of it. Thanks again everyone! Hugs to all! ((((((( )))))))

Well, I have not posted here in a while. The reason is that I have been evicted from my family house that my Mom and I lived in. They told me my "deadline" was September 1 to either buy them out or move out. Well, I could not afford to buy them out. I stayed in the house another week and got daily phone calls of "well, it is past the 1st. When are you moving? Have you found a place? Everyday you are in that house we lose money. Either you move out or pay the note on it. It has been 90 days since Mama died and it is time to move forward (Can you BELIEVE this?!)" This is all from my sibling who is an attorney (guess you could not tell!). Well, move out I did. Found a place that was what I thought the safest and that takes dogs. I don't know if I can afford it though. I was led to believe that once the succession was done, that I would have some money coming in. That is one reason I got the place I did. Now I learn that there won't be any money from anything until the house is sold! This could take years! We have been emptying the house. It is way too soon for this! Of course, I am not working at their speed and pace. They want all my stuff out and want it out now! I spent 2 hours going through the "trash" they threw to the curb finding all kinds of things that belonged to Mom and Dad or that they had written or that had been given to them. Seeing the house empty is breaking my heart every time I go in it. I cry and cry. This is supposed to be "progress" but is in fact the opposite. It is really horrible what he is doing to our family. And the others are just letting him run the show. He is a control freak and an idiot. He has no feelings for Mom and Dad and certainly not me. I just don't know what to do. There is no way out of this 6 month lease. I like the place in some ways, but the whole thing is surreal and strange. I have not even slept there yet and have been sleeping at my fiance's. That is a whole other issue: she does not want to marry me at this moment. Says I need to "get better". Well, getting better has nothing to do with getting an apartment. What I need is to be with her with our dogs the way it should be and should have been. I did not marry her earlier and it is killing me. It was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. I just put it off and put it off. My life is miserable. Nothing feels right and nothing is getting better. I feel constant sadness and anguish. I even woke up the other day calling out "Mama" for her. I cannot believe all this has happened. My whole life this past 4 months has been a nightmare. I feel like I have been thrown out into a cold, uncaring world. Nobody understands. Not even my fiance. She tries to, but she has no idea of the depth of pain and suffering and sadness I am experiencing. I really cannot take any of it anymore.