Billw

NATS, I really appreciate your replies. I believe you are the Bass fisherman. Some of your posts really hit home with me. My wife and I fished together a lot and really enjoyed it. We bought a canoe a couple years ago and started fishing the mountain lakes. Last spring she had finished a brutal round of chemo and we decided to get out for a few days. We had a blast, the last day she was casting a lure and the bale stuck on her reel and she hooked me right in the side of the face. We went all the way back across the lake with the lure stuck in my face and cut it out when we got back. She felt horrible but I assured her that was part of fishing. The boys loved that story and we laughed the other night til we damn near cried. God I miss that girl. We had so much fun together, we really spent a lot of time outside, camping, fishing and living the life. We shared a closeness in whatever we did, it makes me sick to think that's gone. The memories are great, it's the reality right now that kinda sucks.

The boys never really opened up about any of this until the last couple weeks that their mom was alive. I think in the beginning they thought she would have surgery do a little treatment and we would move on down the road. When we had to take her to the hospice unit to have a pain pump regulated for a few days and our youngest son fell apart down there the night he realized that this was not going to get any better. We were able to bring her home days later and we were all here with her as she had wished in the end. That night I was able to talk to those boys (now young men) like we had never been able to before. We had told each other that we loved one another for years but that night you could feel it. Something changed with the boys and me that night and I don't want to lose that. We have spoken openly several times since but I don't want to push them. I know they are hurting and if they choose not to talk I don't press the issue. We all miss her dearly and I know they are as beat up as anyone that loved her. We have sat and cried together and I was just thinking, when they are with me we tell stories about her that make us laugh as well. We knew her better than anyone else. Thanks Sharon

Thanks for checking back guys, this is giving me something to look forward to for a short time each day. A friend of mine talked me into a group meeting tonight, she lost her son a year ago. I went... not quite there yet. I got an appointment set to talk to a counselor on Sat. This anger thing has me worried even though I have been told it's normal it doesn't suit me too well right now. My wife and I spent a lot of time really learning how to soak up the joys in our lives over the years and now I hate this feeling. She told me if something happened to her she wanted me to carry on and keep living the life we started. I would like to think that I can keep that promise to her but at this point I can't see it. We lived our lives a day at a time for years and especially after she got sick, we truly learned how to seize the moment. Now I am living one second at a time. This will take work on my part I'm sure, thanks again for listening. BW

Yesterday morning I left to work crying, its about a 15 minute drive to work. I can usually get it together before I get there. Thank God I have a good job and they have been more than good to me throughout this entire ordeal. I was able to go with my wife to every chemo, radiation, and Dr. appointment she had, also took time off for her surgery recoveries and hospital visits. I was home the last two weeks she was alive, and the week after. My boss told me to just go home and stay with her and do whatever I needed to. Now it is time to get back to work and my mind is still just not there. I took on a lot this year at work and I hope I can get focused again. I am waiting for a call back from 2 different counselors to get in for an appointment. I am getting some work done but I just get hung up so easily it gets kind of humiliating. I am just not comfortable with having my head somewhere else all day.

Thanks Frank. I'm trying to do the opposite of what my head tells me right now. It tells me to hide out in the dark and feel bad but I know that won't get me where I need to be. That's why I'm reaching out right now. You guys are a lot of help. Thanks again. BW

I have never felt a closeness with another human being like what we shared. It makes me sick to think that is gone. I am very lucky to have experienced that with her. I know people who have been together for 30-40 years that don't get to share that connection. We were true partners in every aspect, the first couple years we bumped heads and tried to figure out where we were going in life and once we did it was amazing. We have seen parts of the world together and done things I never imagined possible. She truly brought out a side of me I did not know I possessed. When she got sick I remember thinking, God I hope I can take care of her. Now I still wake up at midnight, and three a.m. to give her medicine or to take her pee and she is not there. I can still feel her in bed beside me at times and wake up disappointed to find she is gone. I think I have a long road ahead of me. BW

It has helped to open up and talk about this a little. I can see that there are truly people out there in similar situations. Everything in this house is a trigger, something she bought me, something she made for me, even some of the food in the pantry that she put in there months ago sets me off. Like I said earlier, I have never been this out of control of my emotions. I miss her and there isn't a damn thing that will bring her back. I am trying not to take my anger out on those around me, although they are easy targets right now. I do have some good friends in my life who are very helpful. I am grateful for the people and everything I still have left, we lived a life second to none for years. I was just not ready for this even though we knew this could happen. God I hope she is OK now. She wanted to be home at the end so we did everything we could to keep her here, thank God for Hospice. It is hard to get some of the images out of my head she really struggled at the end. She did not want to leave. I had to beg her to stop, I told her to go stand by God and wait and I would find her when I get there. I still can't believe how hard she fought. This is not an easy thing for me to talk about without coming apart, gotta go for now...Thanks again all of you. BW

Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. I have hope that things will change some day, my wife and I have been through some hard things in life and always come out the other side. Right now everything is overwhelming to me, even the simple things. We have never run from a challenge and now I stall out over the simplest things. I have never been felt this out of control in my life. We have two grown sons and they seem to be adjusting ok? I have talked to both of them and they share a lot of the same feelings about their mom but don't seem to be as messed up thank God. Its nice to know people care and I am not alone, some people are put off by strong feelings of anger towards God. Thanks for understanding. It is obvious that all of you are walking or have walked the same path I am on. Glad you are here.

I am wandering aimlessly through the house. I feel lost. My wife passed on the 29th of April after a year and 4 month battle with ovarian cancer. She was only 54 years old. She tried so hard to recover but it took over her bones and the pain was horrible. Through her fight she never complained, she did everything she was told and worked through chemo, radiation, and every torture known to mankind to try to live a few more years. I have never felt this way about any other human on the face of the earth. My heart is literally aching. I am sick of hearing the typical remarks about how she is not suffering anymore and she is in a better place. I want her here with me where she belongs. I know that is not in God's plan but in mine. I know I am full of anger and resentment right now, the thing that angers me most is not the fact that He took her but how she was tortured before she was allowed to leave. I am seeking counseling right now, and I hope this is not offensive to this forum. I know there are a lot of people out there and I am not alone but it sure feels like it right now.