Billw

wmjsca, I really feel your pain tonight and I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now.I have had the same feelings of anger, disappointment, and self pity. I still have those same feelings now from time to time. This is a particularly hard time of year. My wife has been gone for 7 months now and I am still devastated by that. I have to remember though that we were also a happy couple enjoying life, oblivious to all the people suffering from the same loss we suffer now. I never even could have imagined the horrible feelings of anger and grief that others experience after losing their spouse. Life is not over but starting a new chapter. I am not looking forward to living alone but I don't have a hell of a lot of choice at this time. My wife asked me specifically not to isolate if something happened and she didn't make it. She told me I was to go on and finish what we started. As hard as it is some days, there is no higher honor I can pay her but to do just that. Not a day goes by that I wouldn't give everything I own for just one more minute with her but I know that is not realistic. We will meet again some day but for now I have to finish my time on earth. I pray for relief for all of us and I have to hold onto the great memories and be grateful for the time that I had with my wife even though too short, it was a great part of my life that I will never forget. I hope you are feeling better soon and please know that you are not alone and we do understand. I don't know how long I will feel like this, I do know that when I can find even a moment of gratitude in my heart for my time with her, it eases the pain just a little. God bless and hang in there....BW

Melina, I can't imagine anyone us feeling any different than you this weekend. I have done better for longer periods lately too. It has been an incredible week of highs and lows for me. It was very nice to have the boys around and spend some time, that was a super high. Missing my wife desperately several times through the week brought on the huge lows. During the holidays, we both had a lot of time off and got some bonus time to spend together so it is especially hard right now. Just remember we are all here together and you are not alone. Have a good weekend. BW

Funny how we have to pick a couple days out of the year or a season if you will to do what we should be doing year round. On any given day of the year we should be "Grateful" and give thanks. We should be kind to others and gather for meals with our families on a regular basis not just because it is a particular season or day. My wife and I had this discussion a lot, these holidays often bring on way too much expectation and anxiety. This will be my first holiday season without my wife. The boys and I are getting together tomorrow to BBQ and watch a ball game. No expectation or anxiety, just a relaxing day together. What better way to honor my wife and their mother than to spend another day here visiting and spending quality time together no matter what day it is......BW

I know exactly where you are, I think some of my friends are ready for me to move on. I just am having a rough time right now. It will be 7 months on the 29th. I feel better for short periods of time and then it hits me again. This is probably the most lonely time I have spent yet. I feel lonely in a crowded room. In the middle of the loneliness I don't want people around? Explain that one. I feel like I've worn my friends out with my grief. I feel guilty talking about it at times. I don't know what to feel or say anymore. If you find an answer let me know. This will all look different tomorrow, take care.....BW

I don't think there is any amount of preparation for the things that we have seen our loved ones go through. Likewise there is no amount of preparation for the pain that we carry now that they have left. I had a pretty good idea how it was going to go but I still held out hope to the very end. She was a warrior.Our oncologist was much like the doctors you describe. We were very positive throughout the 16 months that she battled the disease. She made progress a couple times for very short intervals only to be followed by worse relapse. I am amazed daily how quickly I can go from feeling like I'm turning the corner and seeing a glimpse of recovery right back to paralyzing grief. I still can't believe she's gone some days. I am looking for some relief and I pray for all of us daily that we find it. Hope you are doing better....BW

Our boys are 29 and 30. When my wife was diagnosed I don't think they had any idea how serious this was, none of really did. After her surgery I think they were under the impression that she would do some treatment, be cured and head down the road again. The last week she was alive was very hard on all of us but it hit the youngest very hard. He broke down at the hospice facility one night and we had a pretty at length discussion outside. Denial had really gotten a hold of him and he was coming out of the fog and seeing this thing in reality all at once. The oldest had done some research int the year leading up to her death and knew a little more about the possible outcome and had a little better idea what to expect. The last days at home were very sad and hard to watch. It took it's toll on all three of us. We comforted each other the night she died and as I have shared before, our bond tightened that day. Since then, I have done some counseling and I have talked to both of them about it. I asked if either of them would like to go on their own or with me. They both said they didn't feel as though they needed it. I didn't press the issue. They have assured me that they are dealing with it in their own way in their own time. I have sat and talked with both of them at length about all of the events that have taken place the past two years and it seems like sometimes they have a better grasp on things than I do. I have to remember that these are grown men now not the young boys I once knew. They both show their grief in very different ways and I know they miss their mom desperately. I don't hold back on telling them how I feel from time to time and they share with me when they feel like it. They came by yesterday, the oldest took me to lunch and the youngest one stopped later in the day for a visit. There is always conversation about Mom whenever we get together, she was a huge part of this family, she is a major part of what made us the men we are today. I know that they have suffered this loss as much as I have, I just try to remember that we all had different relationships with her and we all grieve in different ways. As long as they know that I am here for them and them for me I think we will all come through on the other side. I am so fortunate to have them in my life, they are a living piece of her that I can still see, touch, and really appreciate. Thanks for the topic this morning. I don't know if I said anything to help but it is a good reminder to me.....BW

I have a lot to be grateful for. The weather is finally nice enough to get out in the yard to finish some projects that were started when my wife took ill. She loved her back yard, it is a very peaceful spot. I took the day off today to get some work done out there, I am very fortunate to have a job these days, let alone one that allows me time to take time off to spend doing things I enjoy. I am grateful every day for the time I was given with this woman, she enriched my life in every way. Every time I finish another project or do something positive I feel her joy in my life. Time is moving a little quicker now and I am getting through this deal a day at a time. I have spent some quality time with our oldest boy the past month and it has strengthened the bond between us. Something has changed in the past month or two and my attitude towards others and quick trigger to anger has softened. It is a welcome change and I feel more calm physically as well as spiritually. I am hoping to stay in this state of mind and I believe it is possible as long as I practice gratitude on a daily basis. Thanks for the topic and have a great day everyone...BW

We do know how you feel and we are here with you. As corny or cliche as it sounds this deal is literally a day at a time or sometimes a minute or hour at a time. People try to say things to bring comfort but it is hard to ease the pain at first. The fact that people are there does help though. Please know that you are not alone and use this forum as needed. It helps us all to share with one another. Everything is a blur at first and nothing seems normal. I am still looking for normal but have not found what that is yet. Try to keep the good memories you guys shared close to your heart, when I can do that it brings her closer to me and it is comforting. You will be in my thoughts and prayers this week. Take care BW

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. You don't have to describe the feelings that you are going through right now. We have and still are going through the same feelings you are experiencing. My wife died at 53 also just this past April. She was as healthy as ever. She had some issues in early fall of 08 and found a new doctor as she wasn't happy with the lack of concern from her first doc. She did clinical research for a living and was involved in an oncology study for ovarian cancer. When she went to the new doc she asked him for a test that is used for a tumor marker when being treated for ovarian cancer, there is no screening tests for this cancer but she wanted to know her number. Little did she know that she had diagnosed herself by asking for the test, it led us to the oncologist that ultimately became her doctor. One major surgery, 8 months of chemo, 3 months of radiation, she was gone in just 16 months. In the blink of an eye I lost my soul mate, a great wife, mother and best friend. I have been lost since April, nothing seemed real for months. Grief is powerful stuff. It has gotten a little easier with time but still has me beat up on a daily basis. I try to stay grateful for the time we had and it brings comfort but I miss her so bad some days it physically hurts. All I can say is hang in there, try to eat and rest as much as possible and stick close to friends and family that offer help. God bless you and take care.....BW

Our boys are 28 and 29, now grown men but still our boys. I was worried about them at first because they didn't have a whole lot to say about their mom's death. Since then, each one of them separately has come and talked with me and shared some pretty heavy duty stuff with me. I was very impressed with their ability to process all of this. I think at first they thought that mom was going to have a surgery, do a little treatment, and be good as new. They didn't see a lot of the struggle that went on at home so it was more of a shock to them at the end. Thank God they are recovering from all of it. I see them quite a bit now and we have gotten closer through all of this. I talk about her often when I'm around them and we tell stories that only we can relate to. We share a very strong bond that runs deep. I am so proud of them as I know she is and I see a little of her in each boy. They have thanked me several times for being here but in reality, they are the ones who have saved me.

Hi Jay, I'm sure sorry to hear about your situation. It hits the nail on the head though when you describe your feelings, we all identify. Grief is one of the most baffling things that I have experienced yet in my life. The future seems dark and it is hard to find the bright spots as they are few and far between. NATS mentions a strong reliance on God and it has helped. Human power failed me several times in my life and I also rely on a higher power. I have seen myself as a very strong independent man all of my life needing help from no one with anything, this deal is different. I was finally able to love another human being truly with my heart for the first time in my life and now she is gone, it has literally brought me to my knees. I am re-learning how to not only let others help me but from time to time I have even asked for help. I do have faith that things will change and some day I will know what "normal" looks like again. Failure to thrive comes and goes for me right now, my wife and I worked a lot of years to get to the point where we could do some things and have some fun in life. We had finally learned how to love and enjoy each other without all the expectation and drama that I see in other couples. We had a pretty darn good future planned out and all of that came to a halt when she was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer in October of 08. She tried so hard to stay here, her doctor called her a "warrior", she did not want to leave. She made it until April and she just could not recover. She told me weeks before she passed that I was not to mope around the house the rest of my life, she said I was to finish all of the stuff we started together and enjoy life. Now I continue to look for a new future, as hard as it is to imagine, that is the only way I can think of to honor her memory in my heart. She only wanted the best for me and I wanted the same for her so I will continue to look for happiness on a daily basis. Some days are better than others with that one as we all know. Take care of yourself Jay and I hope things turn for you soon....BW

Wow Tammy, I hope you are o.k. What a night.... Some days are like that and it just wouldn't seem like it could get worse and then it does. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers this weekend. I am home tonight after helping my oldest boy get ready to paint his house, we are going to finish tomorrow. I had the same gut wrenching feeling about the weekend for a while today but I have a project to do now thank God. Take care of yourself and hope things are better tomorrow. BW

My wife worked out of the house, her office was in one of the front bedrooms. After she passed I redecorated that room and put a lot of her favorite things in there along with some great family pictures and some comfortable chairs. Her urn is in there and it is a very peaceful place where I sit and meditate in the mornings before I leave for work. I have filled that room with things that we both loved.I rub the top of her urn when I walk by it and tell her again that I love her and thank her for being here for me all those years. I have a pocket urn that I take with me when I mountain bike or just when I feel like having her closer to me. I slept with her robe on the bed beside me for months, her pillow is still tucked next to me every night. I talk to her out loud all the time. I reach over and pat her side of the bed and tell her I love her every night before I go to sleep. If there is something wrong with you then I have the same thing wrong with me. We all miss our loved ones dearly and it brings me comfort to do some things that others might think strange, but I am learning to put what others think aside and do what makes me feel ok for today. Take care of yourself and God bless you........BW

Hi Bill, I am interested to know about how you make that connection? Tammy Check PM

I don't think you are crazy at all, I am happy for you. I read your previous post about erasing your memories and I felt horrible for you because I understand the pain you are going through. I have shared about making a connection with my wife through a technique that was used in therapy. I have continued with my therapy and still make that connection from time to time. I thought it sounded crazy at first too but now I know it is real. Any time we can bridge that gap even for a second we need to hold on, it is a true gift. God bless and thanks for sharing that...BW

Very nice Marion, congratulations. It sounds great. I'm wishing you happiness in your new place. Take care BW

Thanks for the topic, I can't think of anything more positive than people who are hurting sharing experience, strength, and hope with each other. That is the reason I come here. Luckily we are not all in bad shape on the same days. You have all shared things good and bad that help me on a daily basis. I have also used this forum to vent,cry, and ask for guidance. Tonight I am having dinner with my youngest son, I got together with the oldest on Monday and had a nice visit. Their mom would be so proud of them. I am the luckiest man in the world to have those young men in my life. I guess that is my main positive for today and this week. Thanks again for bringing me back to gratitude today......BW

I am in the same spot, it's will be 5 months tomorrow and I still can't believe it. As I drove home yesterday it hit me again as if it was the first time I ever thought about it (Oh my God I can't believe she is not here anymore) She is all I can think of all day every day and still when it hits me it seems like it gets more intense as time goes on. It gets overwhelming every time I think about what happened. It is just so hard to imagine her not being here anymore. I keep her close in my heart but I miss the physical touch that you described and the silly things we would say and do that nobody else gets. God help us all heal these huge spots left in our lives. I do want to recover from this, I just don't know how yet. Take care..BW

It's always a gift to have a dream where my wife shows up. I have had several, some of them we know she is sick and not going to be here long, the last one I had she looked very young and vibrant kinda like you described, it was very early in the morning and I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I got back in bed the dream continued in an almost subconscious state. I walked her through the house and was showing her all of the work I had finished since she left. She was very happy, we talked and hugged for a while and it was like she knew she was leaving again. I feel a closeness with her in these dreams like she is actually here again, maybe she is. It's 3:00 am I just got tired of tossing back and forth so I came in here to read a little, maybe I can get back to bed before it's time to go to work. Thanks for sharing that, I hope you are doing o.k. Take care.........BW

After I read this I started thinking, the weekends that I actually had some plans to go someplace or do something specific were a little easier. That's a pretty good idea, thanks. Sometimes the answers are the simplest thing possible. I have done a lot of the same things that you outlined and it does help, I just have to remember that idle time is not one of my best friends right now. This weekend has already started off better than the two previous, progress right? Thank you all for you kindness and responses.......BW

Today is Friday and I have talked many times about how the weekends are the worst. I want to start enjoying the weekends like I used to. Other than some bike riding my weekends consist mostly of missing my wife, crying, and feeling kinda lost. By the time Sunday rolls around I'm worn out with grief and looking forward to going back to work. I work hard during the week and would like to get excited about the weekends again, I'm just not quite there. I have been stalled out lately and have had some physical issues that have kept me down a little but I really want to start moving again. Work preoccupies the mind for me during the week and I have less time to get inside my head, the weekends are almost like a sentence served each week. I know this will change in time but it can get pretty brutal at times. What are you guys doing with your weekends to stay out of your own way? Thanks for listening....BW

What a beautiful family, Jeff's smile really lit up that video. That was awesome Tammy, thanks for sharing it. BW

I had one of these so called charity solicitations (they use the name of the charity and then give the actual charity one dollar of the twenty that you pledge to give them, it is a very popular scam these days) They called for my wife the other day and when I asked them what I could do for them they were very persistent about speaking only with her. After several times of asking them what I could do for them they said they would call back when she was home to talk with her. I have asked them previously not to call again, the fact that they kept asking me why they couldn't speak to her made me snap, I went off on them like there was no tomorrow, I used every profanity in the book and even made up a few of my own, this lady actually stayed on the line for the whole thing and still had the nerve to ask me why she couldn't speak to my wife, when I told her she had passed away in April her reply was "How am I supposed to know that?" I don't expect her to know that, I expect someone to leave me alone after being asked the first three times. I'm not so sure these folks end up in the innocent bystander category. I know it's not right to speak to people that way but it sure felt good that day. I know she has a job to do but she picked the wrong place to call that day for sure.....BW

I don't know how those guys turned out so good, but I'm sure glad they did. I am darn lucky to have them. Its nice that your boys want to help you feel better. I find that we don't all feel bad on the same day so it makes it easier for one to help the others out on the bad days. I have found with our youngest it has been best not to push him for feelings or to talk, he does a lot when he gets ready. He has always been that way though, he is very stubborn and as long as you wait until something is his idea, then he is o.k. with it. I pray every day God will help us through this and you and your boys are included in my thoughts and prayers. Take care...BW

Hi Melina, my boys are 29 and 30 and are also my best and closest support. I'm glad you have your sons. Mine have been there for me since day one in this deal. They have leaned on me as well. As the mortuary took my wife's body out of the house the night she passed I was standing in the garage crying and upset and my oldest came over to comfort me, I told him "I don't know how I'm going to do this" and he told me "we will do it together" my God what a gift these young men have been to me. I have sat for hours talking to them about the way I feel as well as them sharing their feelings with me, our whole relationship has changed (for the better) our communication has been taken to a whole new level. I was worried about them at first but they seem to be adjusting well, our youngest had me concerned for a bit but seems to be o.k. now I have had some scrapes with the family my mom just does not get it at all, I have one brother that has been very supportive. Some of my friends have probably heard enough I'm sure so they will eventually weed themselves out. These boys are a true testament of what their mom was all about and offer me comfort, they have thanked me for taking care of their mom and them several times, this is another huge dose of gratitude in my life today....Take care BW