Billw

My wife and I bought a large home it is a beautiful place. We had started several large projects in the house before she got sick and then put them all on hold. After she was gone I stalled out on the house. One day I looked around and thought it might be nice to have this place put back together and finish the projects. She had left the paint and flooring samples that she liked so I started with her office where she worked from home. After painting her room I continued through the rest of the house and then had the floors done. I put a lot of her personal things back in her room with some new chairs and things from a store that she shopped at frequently, I framed and hung a lot of pictures of us and our boys over the years. I found a couple of nice pieces of art and a few other items for the walls. All of her books and a lot of the things she cherished are in this room. Her urn is in there and I try to keep a nice flowering plant or fresh flowers next to it. I begin each morning in that room with some type of spiritual reading and a few quite minutes before work. Everyone that has been in there comments on how peaceful it feels and the sense of well being that it represents. The boys love it, there are a lot of great memories in the pictures and items in that room. You can really feel the love for one another when you look around. It took a little time to get motivated again but it sure has turned out nice. Grieving is exhausting but I think physical activity and some of these projects have saved me over the past few months, the more I move the better I feel. I hope we can all find some joy in our lives again.

Redwind, I found out what that feels like a couple weeks ago, I ended up in the ER very ill and hurting and my wife was not there for the first time. I layed on the bed in the hospital in extreme pain and cried harder than I have cried in a long time, not from the pain but from the fact that I realized I am on my own now. After I was released to come home my oldest boy came by that week a few times to check on me but it just is not the same, my wife took very good care of me when I was sick (she was a nurse) I really miss the attention and care. After the smoke cleared I had to start making Dr.'s appointments, dealing with a new health insurance, and doing all of the things that I just took for granted when she was here. She took care of all of those things for years and now I have to figure all of this out, might not sound like a lot to most people but it overwhelmed me a couple times. I guess my point is that I am slowly starting to move into this new territory and some of my worst fears are being realized but I am still walking through them and ending up on the other side. We will recover and we will keep moving, some days it really feels horrible but we can do it. I have cried several times over the last couple weeks being sick and at home by myself but I know in my heart she is with me no matter what and always will be. She gives me strength and courage like she did when she was here. I have stayed closer to this site over the last weeks as it also offers strength, comfort, and kind people that understand. We are here for you also. Take care BW

Thanks Cheryl, That's exactly the kind of 2x4 upside the head I need sometimes to snap me out of my own little world. There are a lot of people out there that have been dealt a real bad hand in life not to take away from anyone else but it could always be worse. My wife was a grateful person and even in the thick of her fatal disease reached out to those in pain or less fortunate.. These are great lessons that I need to pay attention to. I get stuck in self pity some days and it makes me lose site of how lucky I really have been and still am. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, I'm not to keen on the losing part but I sure enjoyed the loving part. I am a grateful man today. Thanks again Cheryl........BW

I truly am a fortunate man to have the connection from time to time, it's always there when I ask. I can taste some gratitude again today and it feels great. Thanks again guys. BW

Thanks Mary, I was devastated when I couldn't find it, now I feel like I got a small piece back. I have asked her several times to help me find something and it has worked. I have put coincidence out of my mind anymore, I believe in the connection that we share with our soul mates when they leave, it gives me great comfort to know she is still with me. BW

The last post counts as my something positive post for the weekend, I couldn't come up with one yesterday. Thanks for being here guys....God bless. BW

After posting yesterday about losing my ring, it really started to eat at me again. I looked a few more places tonight and I was feeling bad again about it being lost. I have mentioned from time to time when I ask my wife where she put something, I usually find it shortly.(this has happened several times since she has been gone) I had been in the bedroom looking again tonight with no luck. As I walked down the hallway something told me to open the hall closet, in the bottom of the closet is a one gallon jar she always emptied my change out of a bowel where I threw all of my stuff at the end of the day,the jar was almost full. I brought it into the living room just now and emptied it on the floor, about half way through the jar my ring tumbled out on the floor. After having a good cry I thanked her for telling me where it went. It has been lost for close to a year and we looked all over for it I know it bothered her that we couldn't find it. I know she is as happy right now as I am.........The gift is always there when I ask..BW

Hi Darlene, I can feel your pain and I am sorry you are having a rough time. My wife passed at the end of April after a year and a half battle with ovarian cancer. I was in that fog you are talking about, walking in circles, lost and feeling alone. All I can tell you is it has gotten a tiny bit easier over the last month or so. I had a hard day yesterday, these long weekends are brutal, we spent a lot of time camping and traveling and I miss being out right now. As I walked through the grocery store yesterday morning I could feel it coming on, I barely made it home and I fell apart the minute I walked back in the house. It hits me out of nowhere some days and I still have a hard time believing she is gone. I sat and got it together for a few minutes and I used some of the tools I have learned at therapy, I have been able to make a connection with her through these techniques. I made that contact with her for a moment yesterday and was able to get out on my bicycle for an hour or so and ride off some of the emotion. Physical exorcise and therapy have saved my life with this deal. I have been able to release some of my grief through physical activities. The connection I spoke of comes through gratitude for all of the gifts we enjoyed together over the years, when I can stay in that mind frame it is a beautiful experience that I can't even describe. It is the closest thing to having her back that I have found. Thanks for posting this morning you have given me a lot to think about and a lot of hope that some day we will all recover from these huge losses in our lives. My thoughts and prayers are with you Darl, take care........BW

My line of work is not jewelry friendly, I can't wear my ring or watch to work for safety factors (moving machinery). But I do wear it all of the other time I am not at work. We bought a very simple set of bands when we got married, we didn't have a lot of money at first but we loved the rings we had. Through the years our incomes changed and we were able to significantly upgrade her rings and she loved them dearly. She deserved to have nice things, I was very happy we could do that, we both worked very hard. About a month or so before she passed I lost my ring, I used to take it off when I worked in the garage and set it on my bench or tool box, I searched high and low and never have found it. I went and purchased another band and she was ok with that but we were both heart broken that I had lost my original. I continue to wear the replacement band hoping my old ring will show up some day. She wanted the boys to have the rings she was wearing with the larger stones so I gave those to them. I still have her original little band that we got married with. I don't make any excuse or worry about weather I wear my ring or not, as far as I'm concerned I am still married and I am proud to wear my ring, my heart will let me know when something changes..............BW

Kinda like offering someone a band aid after they have just cut off an arm, this is a very serious wound that will take a lot of work to repair and time to heal. People just do not know what to say or when to say it unfortunately. I am pretty sensitive to everyone and everything around me right now and some days it doesn't pay to say something stupid to me, you might not like the reply. I am trying to be patient with my family and friends as I'm sure some of them are trying the same with me but this is new ground that I've never walked on before and I'm having a hard time with it. The long holiday weekends are a little rough for me. My wife and I traveled every chance we got and this would be one of those weekends that we would have loaded up and already been gone somewhere. There were those times too when we would just stay home and lounge by the pool for the weekend and relax. At the end of the day you go inside for the afternoon and fall asleep while watching a movie. That's the stuff I really miss these days. I lived a life second to none with my wife and wouldn't trade a minute of it, I have to keep those thoughts close and it does help but there just is no "moving on" or "getting over it" at this point. I get up and try to do what is in front of me today, some days it's a lot and some days it is next to nothing, the point is I keep going right now. I have no idea what is in store for me in the future, hell I thought I had it all figured out last year but much to my surprise there is a much different plan that was not made up by me. I have faith and things will change some day. I must remain teachable and grateful to receive the gifts that are in front of me, that has never failed me in the past. I hope you all have a great weekend and I will check in from time to time, as was said earlier you guys have carried me through the hard times over the last four months and I appreciate each and every one of you. Thanks for your kindness and God bless....................BW

Melina, It's hard to get going some days and it seems impossible at times but we have to dig deep and put one foot in front of the other. These are the days when we we have to just take one thing off of that overwhelming pile and concentrate on just that, when we are finished we move on to the next thing. I hate this too and there are days when I just stall out completely and do not want to participate in life. I have to remember that my wife wanted me to keep moving no matter what. I got very ill last week and ended up in the ER, as I laid there, all of the last hospital trips through my wife's cancer kept running through my head and I started to cry, I was in a lot of pain and there was a lot going through my head laying down there that day. I thought about the torture she had put up with to try to stay here and it really put things into perspective. I also was saddened by the fact that she is no longer here to comfort me when I am sick. I have had to spend a lot of time at home the last week and my mind works on me pretty hard sometimes, after all of that I was thankful to leave the house and go back to work yesterday. Some days are extremely hard and I am also not liking being on my own, I ask God to guide me in the mornings and try to keep a good memory close to my heart on the way out the door. I know she is with me when I carry gratitude for the time we spent together (I can feel it) but some times it is very hard to reach that spot. I believe there is hope and I know this will take time. I still attend therapy, I try to socialize with friends, and I am not isolating. I am trying to do everything that feels unnatural at this point (everything is unnatural) I want to feel better and I want to keep moving,some days it is hard though. We need to be patient with ourselves and take our time, this is a huge wound that is going to take a while to heal. I am finally starting to get that through my head a little. Take care and God bless, I will send thoughts and prayers your way today..................BW

Hi Melina, You are not alone. We are all here for you. I know it gets really bad at times but we have to keep moving. You are on the right track by opening up and getting online to post. There is comfort here even if it is very brief, it will get you through. We have to keep eating and get out of the house in order to feel better. This is just like any other injury to our bodies, grief effects every cell of our human make up. As much as I wanted to stay in bed and not do anything, I have had to force myself outside to exorcise, eat, and interact with people even when I don't want to. Counseling has made a huge difference in healing from this, I have gone every week for the last couple months and it has helped me to process some of the things going on around me. Staying close with my sons has also been a huge help, I have to remember that they have suffered a huge loss also and try to offer comfort to them as well. There are days when I really don't know if I can take another step forward and I just feel paralyzed, these are the days when I push myself to do what does not feel good at all, like reaching out to others and taking care of myself. We will get through this Melina, please don't isolate, try to get outside and get some good nourishment, it will make a difference. I am glad to hear from you. God bless you. I will be praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts. Hang in there.........BW

I picked my wife's ashes up and was planning on scattering them right away. We both want to have our ashes in the Sierra mountain range in Northern Cal. I was not ready to do it as I thought I would be and I'm quite sure she is o.k. with that. I have a special place in the house much like NATS spoke about where I keep them with a lot of her other personal things that were in her office and around the house. I also carry a small pocket urn that I made when I go places and want to feel like she is there not just in spirit but also a little bit of her physical being is there also. This process is a very one day, one minute, one second at a time deal and I am just not ready yet. If I have learned anything in the last few months it is to easy on myself and take my time. Thanks everyone for being here for me.....BW

Thanks Cheryl, You really hit me between the eyes with that. "The fact that I have grieved so deeply proves that I am capable of powerful feelings." I also want to recover, I know there is life out there and I want to live it. Some days it is hard to hold the gratitude in my heart, but I know that is what keeps her close to me now. You have made a difference in my attitude this morning with what you shared, thanks again and take care.......BW

Hi Darl, I'm really sorry that you had to find this site. I am glad it was here for us to find though. Wow, 43 years is a long time god bless you guys. Things seemed to move so fast after the call to Hospice it was all kind of a blur, my wife had ovarian cancer that spread to her bones. It took her in just a year and four months. I am still numb from time to time it will be four months without her on the 29th. It is so raw and surreal at times I didn't think I would get through the first few weeks. The people on this forum have helped a lot over the past months, a problem shared is cut in two and a joy shared is doubled. I have had some family and friends say some really off the wall stuff at times, that "get on with your life" comment is pretty out there. Until someone has been in this situation they have no idea what they are talking about, stick to the kindness and comfort of those who want to help you feel better, I am "getting through this" not "on with it." Take good care of yourself............BW

Melina, I'm sure we would all change some things if we could go back. Our relationship was not perfect but it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. We learned so much from each other through the years and these things contribute to who I am today. My wife used to tell me to put the bat back in the closet ( in other words, stop beating yourself up). I have always been harder on myself than anyone around me could be. I know today that I did everything I could to take care of her while she was sick and she told me daily up til the end "thank you honey for taking care of me, I couldn't go through this without you". I know damn well she would have done the same for me. You failed nothing, we don't get the choice of who stays and who goes, all we have the power over is being kind to one another and doing the best we can on a daily basis. Thanks for contributing to this site, you have given me a lot to think about lately. Take care....BW

Hang on tight Melina, as the others said, take deep breaths and close your eyes. Try to go to a better time and place in your mind if possible. Know that your husband is still with you and you will be together again some day. We are all here for you, I am praying for you now and will keep you in my thoughts. It will get better as you move through all of this. Try to stay connected to the good times and memories in your mind. You are not alone, we are with you. Reaching out as you are doing will help you get through the rough spots. God bless....BW

Hang in there Melina, we are all here for you. It is way easier said than done to stay out of the future and in today. I have a hard time living a minute at a time some days let a lone a day at a time. This site is where I found comfort at first and still do now, the people on here know the ache we feel in our hearts when we lose these soul mates and loved ones. We hear how time heals all wounds, they are in a better place, and all of these things people tell us and I don't know about you but some days I could scream. As others told me most people have nothing else to say and they do mean well I'm sure. My family is somewhat distant from this whole situation, one of my brothers checks in from time to time and my mother is clueless. Thank God for my two boys, (they are grown men) but they both get it, they have also lost someone special in their lives. They are here for me as much as anyone could be at this point and I am there for them, luckily we all don't feel like crap on the same day usually so there is always one to comfort the others. I know I have been blessed to have spent the time with this woman and to share something truly special in my life, I am also having a hard time getting adjusted and still can't get my head around this thing sometimes. I stick close to positive people who offer comfort and solutions and try to give the rest to God, some days it works and some days are just as you described earlier. I pray we all find peace and contentment again in our lives. Until then, please take care and stay close to people that care about you.....................BW

Glad to hear that NATS, God bless you have a good day. BW

Hi Melina, I am really sorry to hear about the hard times you are having. I am one person of many on this site that can totally relate to every thought, emotion, and feeling that you are experiencing right now. It is very overwhelming and like you said, after the service is over and the dust kinda settles the whole thing becomes a blur. You are probably getting tired of hearing how important it is to take care of yourself right now physically as well as mentally if possible. I had my doubts and concerns about what to do with the house and all the other things that are part of this nightmare and I think the most helpful advice I took was to pick one thing off the pile each day to try and work on. Some days it got done and some days it didn't, the point was to try and keep moving in some sort of direction. Some days doing nothing is the right direction. My wife has been gone since April and I miss her so bad I can't stand it at times, the anxiety at first was unbearable at times. All I can tell you is to hang in there and stay close to those that give comfort whether it is at home or here. I thank God every day for our two boys they are one part of their mother that still lives on here on earth, I keep them close and our relationship has been strengthened by the events of the last year and a half. I'll be thinking about you and keep you in my prayers today, I hope you feel better..............BW

We are indeed very lucky men NATS, to have experienced the blessing of these women in our lives. I stood in the kitchen and cried this morning as I do a lot of other days but today the tears are more gratitude than grief, as I have said numerous times in my later posts this is what keeps that connection close. It took a little while to grasp this concept but sometimes everything is so clouded by emotions I just can't see through it. I am so fortunate to have had the time and experiences with this lady and I finally learned how to love someone with my heart (another huge gift). God be with you today and every day my friend take care........BW

Hi Jennifer, I'm really sorry you have to be here, I don't like this either. It is so hard to get through a day sometimes, it seems as though it lasts forever. I'm sure you husband loved you as my wife did me. I don't know why they had to leave but I'm sure if they had their choice they would rather be here with us. The only thing I can say at this point with any certainty at all is that you have to try to take care of yourself right now, I know this is a huge chore when you feel this bad but it will help to eat and get out of the house even for a short walk or something. That chest pain you are talking about is not good either, have you seen your doctor about that? I'm going into my fourth month now and I still have no idea what the meaning of all of this is and will probably never know. One thing I do know is that my wife would want me to take care of myself and try to keep moving. I too am lost from day to day, I cry really hard and miss her horribly but I know this is part of a process that I will work through eventually. I found a good therapist and that is helping, I have stay close to this site at times when I don't have anybody around to talk to. I hate the fact that she is not here to enjoy life anymore, but as I said in a previous post the only way I keep her close now is to hold on to the gratitude for every second we spent together. When I can do that, she is as close to being beside me as it gets. That's a pretty tall order when we first get here though. For now please eat, rest when you can, and try to take care of yourself, remember we are all here for you too. God bless you............BW

Count me in NATS, God Bless you buddy we are all in this together. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. BW

Hi Karen, sorry I haven't kept up with you guys. I am really glad to hear you are doing o.k. too. The therapy has made a huge difference, it got me back to my faith and reminded me of the importance of being grateful again. I found a small tape recorder that my wife used for work and it was stuck in the on position in her purse and had recorded a conversation we had on the way home from dinner one night last year. We were discussing her disease and our disbelief and denial of her cancer. At the time of our discussion she was in remission and we were getting ready for a trip to Colorado for vacation, we talked about being grateful for all of the gifts in our lives,we talked about the boys, our jobs, our dogs, and just about everything under the sun. As I replayed the tape tonight I sat there in total peace listening to two people who took an interest in each others lives and loved each other dearly. I have never loved with my heart before I met this woman. I am the luckiest man on earth. I miss her like I can't even describe in words but I know she is with me. I hope you can find peace with the loss of your husband Karen, even the brief reprieve we can get sometimes is a lot to hold on to during the rough days. God bless you and please take good care of yourself.....good to hear from you and NATS again, you guys helped me a lot over the last few months. Talk to you again soon I hope. BW

Hey NATs, It has been a while. I continued with my therapy, that was the best thing I could have done. God truly works through other people. I miss her badly every day that goes by but those horrific visions and flash backs are all pretty much gone. I got back to my daily routine of getting on my knees in the morning and asking for guidance and help through the day....it took a little time to get through the anger with my higher power. Like I said in my previous post I was finally able to make that connection with my wife at therapy one night, the therapist said she had witnessed a very powerful moment. It was as if my wife was smiling at me in the room that night (I could feel it) this connection directly involves gratitude for every second we spent together, when I can get to this place, it is as close as I can be to her. When I get into the hurt and turmoil of what happened she could not be further away, sounds simple enough but we all know how hard it is to stay away from the hurt. Recovery tells us that gratitude is not a feeling but an action, my wife was living proof of that, she demonstrated it daily. The best respect and honor I can pay now is to carry on where she (we) left off. I know I still have a long road ahead but I have picked up a few more tools along the way and made a few more friends to help the process. Good luck and God bless NATS I'm glad you're doing o.k. and I will keep praying for you. BW