Billw

Good luck NATS, prayers are with you. BW

Hi Jennifer, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I Lost my wife in April to cancer. She made it for a year and a half until it got into her bones. I watched her suffer for months until the end when she passed. I was suffering the same thing with the visions in my head of these traumatic scenes of her fighting for life the last year and especially the last days she was here. I finally got some outside help with this at the request of a friend of mine that had a similar situation. There is a technique that can be used that drastically relieves the trauma associated with watching a loved one pass. It did wonders for me and I am still working on the rest. God bless you and hang in there. If you are interested look up (e.m.d.r) on the internet they don't know how it works exactly, they just know that it has helped thousands of people. My first reaction was to stay inside and isolate too but I have found that the more I force myself to get out and keep moving, the more relief I get. When I hold on to the gratitude for every second we spent together I can make a connection with her that is indescribable. I keep those memories close to my heart and she is with me always. The more I fight the fact that she is gone, the harder it gets to keep that connection. Try to keep moving and hold on to the good memories of your husband. I have found that exercise and fresh air have done wonders for my grief and overall state of mind and body. I just got done having a cry when I got home a little bit ago and I thought this was a good time to check in to this site. I have not been on here in a while. Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better. BW

I can relate, I hate this whole thing. I'm nowhere close to even imagining myself with or without anyone in my life. I feel like I'm just here waiting for a bus or something. I have loved as hard as I could for the last 16 years and I don't have any idea what the hell I'm supposed to do now. Like was said, all I can do is take one day at a time right now, that's all any of us have reality. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. One thing I have found lately is that I can feel her with me when I am practicing gratitude for the time we spent together. That might sound odd but when I am in the middle of overwhelming grief and upset, crying, cussing and so on she couldn't be farther away. When I can stop and calm myself and be grateful for even a minute of the time we had together I can feel her smiling at me. BW

Hang in there Deb, I just spent the last month going over the same things you are describing, nothing like adding insult to injury. You will get through it. I just kept taking one thing off the pile per day and worked on that until it was done. It does get old telling these people what our business is ten times over each phone call, sometimes it feels like they are trying to wear me down. It pays to be persistent and to have all of your documents at hands reach at all times, I have been fortunate to have some pretty helpful people from time to time it hasn't all been bad. God Bless and take care. BW

We feel your pain Joe. God bless you. You are not alone, stick close to people that offer comfort. I read and post on this forum when I can't find anybody to talk to in person. Sounds like a lot of other people knew how special your wife was, my wife's company made some really nice gestures the last couple of months also. She was very much respected and loved by all of those who knew her. You guys sound like very creative people with your hobbies and things you both enjoyed. I hope you find some relief Joe, the people on this site are the ones that truly know what you are going through. Some days my heart feels like it is coming out of my chest and my head feels like it will explode. There is hope, I feel like I am getting a small amount of relief a day at a time and I have recently been given the gift of feeling her with me in spirit. I know she wants me to keep moving although some days it's just not that easy. Hang in there, take care of yourself. BW

I had to sort out my wife's office in the first couple weeks and then the company came out to pick up their property. She traveled and worked out of the house. Since then I have painted and am having new carpet put in there and the other bedrooms. This room will still have all of her personal stuff in it. She had some pretty cool things in there that meant a lot to her (family pictures and personal things). There is a huge walk in closet in our room and it is completely full of nice clothing and lots of shoes as she was always very well dressed. I can't even imagine going through there yet, her sister is supposed to help me this fall when she comes out. I'm glad I have some time with that still because I'm just not there yet. I still haven't taken her pajamas and robe off the back of the bathroom door yet. I know I'll get there some day, just not today. BW

Hi 27, We spend the days going through the motions as you describe. I can feel her talking to me throughout the day, it is one thing that brings me comfort. When I go to my knees I beg for relief as this is the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I know she wanted me to keep going but some days I just stall out for short periods, I hide at work until it passes and try to press on to get home. I keep hope that there are better days coming for all of us. My wife said she was searching for the lesson in all of this when she got cancer, now I am searching for peace with all of this. Hope I find it. take care..... BW

BW

Not one fathers day went by that my wife didn't make special for me. She thanked me for being a positive example in the boys lives. Over the years they have turned into the a couple of the most respectful young men I know today. ( I am not partial at all as you can tell). These two young men 29 and 30 have taught me more about life than most adults I call my friends. When my wife died they were right there holding her other hand with me, just the way she wanted it. That night our relationship reached a whole new level. Today the oldest stopped by with his girlfriend to wish me happy fathers day, I read the card and held back the tears, these kids are the greatest thing in my life today. They lost their mom and have had a lot of grief of their own to deal with but they have stuck close and checked up on me regularly. The youngest will be by tonight, he had to work late today but he still called to check in. I spent three hours with him talking one on one about everything in the world last week, what a gift. God bless my wife and those boys they truly have given me a reason to be on this earth. My thoughts are with all of you having a rough time today, it just isn't the same without our partners here today. BW

Hi Deb I sent you a PM. Let me know if you don't get it. sometimes the computer gets the best of me. Hang in there. God Bless. BW

God Bless you Marion, Just take a minute when you wake up and remember the good stuff about your husband and son, keep those close to your heart through the day. I'll be praying for you. Take care. BW

Hi Redwind, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I am sorry that we all had to find this site but I am glad it is here for us. There are truly some kind people here who are all hurting and just looking for some relief. I hate the word cancer, it makes me sick. My wife passed in April and we thought she would have at least another year so I totally understand your comments about not wanting to be negative when talking. It was brutal to watch, she was a true fighter and did not want to stop but she had no choice at the end. This woman completed my life and left a huge empty spot on the earth for all who knew her. I struggle daily to keep moving but I know that is what she wants me to do. I got tired of hearing about her being in a better place and all the other comments that go along with that one, but like the others said these people have nothing else to say....what can you say to someone that just had their whole world ripped out from under them. Stick close to those who help you feel better and take care. We are all here for one another. God Bless. BW

Hi Deb, I am very sorry to hear about your husband. Alcoholism is a brutal disease, it will deceive those who have the addiction to it as I'm sure you know after the years spent with this man. Alcohol was a friend of mine that turned on me one day. I was lucky enough to find a bottom and a program that did wonders for me. Some are not that lucky and I pray for them and their families daily. I lost my wife to cancer in April, another brutal unforgiving disease, she tried as hard as she could to recover but it was not to be. I am sure your husband had times that he might have tried to recover as well. Alcoholism can get a strong hold on us as you describe and will tell us that everything is o.k. while it just beats the hell out of us. I have had a lot of anger and I am going through the same emotions you describe in your post as are a lot of others in this forum. Please remember that you are not alone, people here care about you and your well being. Stay close and open up to those who can help you through this process. I am up one minute and down the next, I'm doing some pretty intense therapy right now but I'm still a mess from day to day. I don't know, sometimes being under the influence of grief scares me as much as the influence of alcohol. Try to take care of yourself. God Bless, BW

My wife was very cute and had the prettiest smile I ever saw. Every time I got up and left the room, when I walked back in she had a way of smiling at me that connected our hearts instantly. I miss that smile every day, she melted my heart with it. BW

Hi NATS, Just checking in, I haven't talked to you in a couple weeks. I am still having my days but seemed to have gotten a little relief. I'll be wishing you and Ruth a happy anniversary and a good day tomorrow. I think the Facebook post is a nice way to honor your wife just as if she were here. She is still here very much in spirit and obviously in your heart. Take care. BW

Hi Karen, I don't know why this happened and I don't think I ever will have that answer. I don't believe for a minute that these people chose to leave us. My wife fought to the end to try to stay here. I had to almost beg her to stop because she was suffering so much none of us could take it any more, I believe she was truly just holding on for me and the boys at the very end because when I asked her to stop it was only a couple minutes and she did. I love her more now than I did yesterday or the day before that. I have to know that we will meet up again some day, it's one of the only things that keeps me going some days. I don't really know you or Johnny but I would almost bet if he had his choice he would have stayed right here with you. I don't know about this theory of knowing all of these things before we are born. All I know is that most of try with every ounce of our being to stay here as long as we can. I believe that is human nature to want to continue to live on the earth especially when we are right with God and those around us. I am just back to speaking terms with God again and I know that is where I belong. The anger comes and goes. I am on that same roller coaster ride with you and all the others on this site. I believe that there is safety in numbers, thanks again for being here for me. Take care... BW

I don't think you are crazy Lainey, I think you would have to be pretty closed minded to think that this is all there is in this huge universe we live in. I will be looking for my wife when I leave here no matter what form I take. BW

Hey Joe, It's the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life and I have been through some pretty bad times. The total out of control feeling over our emotions and actions at times is unmatched to anything I can think of. I have had a pretty bad rash of anger lately, at first it was with God. I got through most of the anger with God over the past month but now it has turned to just about anybody that gets in the way. I know that's not right and I'm going to have to get a handle on it. Everything is so close to the surface that some days I don't want to be near people at all. I am keeping an open mind to the therapy I'm going through and hoping I will continue to get some relief. Good luck Joe and take care. BW

Thanks for checking in. I have gotten a small bit of relief through my counseling, biking, sticking close to friends etc. I know what you mean about the house though, everything here is a trigger for emotion, we built this place together and she is everywhere I look. It gives me great comfort to be here and at the same time I can fall apart when I look at something she touched last or even some of the food in pantry that she put there. These are some of the challenges we face on a daily basis. I am no picture of great mental health these days by any means, but it has been nice to make that connection I talked about. That connection came to me in a pretty intense treatment at therapy. I will pray for all of us to find some peace and comfort today. Take Care. BW

I've been focusing a lot of energy on the house and the yard the last couple weeks, it works for a while to keep my mind occupied a little more. We started some significant projects before my wife got sick so I know she would be happy to see them done. I still can't even stomach the thought of going anywhere without her so I have canceled some of the travel plans we had made for this summer and fall. I think I'll just stick to the plan for now, stay close to home and finish up around here. I am starting to really feel the connection with her spirit now and I have felt that calm and presence that some of you have talked about. Every time I start to fall apart now I can feel her telling me it's o.k. and she's trying to help me pull it back together. This might sound insane or absurd to the outsider but to anyone who has felt this, I know you are nodding in agreement as you read this. It is the best feeling in the world when I can open my heart and mind to it. These people that we lost left a huge mark on our worlds and they will be with us always. I learned how to love without condition or expectation, for a guy like me that's pretty special considering where I came from before we met. I keep looking for the lesson in all of this, maybe that's part of it? God bless you all thanks for listening. BW

Must be dream week, I had one with my wife in it last night. I haven't had many dreams with her in them since she passed, but last night there was no mistaking her. I took the opportunity to grab a couple kisses while we were there. It is strange how our minds work when we sleep, we were back at our old house and she and I were aware in the dream that she had been ill and was no longer alive now. All of her surgical scars were gone. she was happy and we were just talking and sitting together. God I miss her something terrible but it was nice to see her not in pain for the first time in months and months. Gotta go for now. BW

Hi Karen, BBQ was pretty good. I have been having a lot of overwhelming feelings of pure loss lately. I miss her so bad I can't stand it sometimes. I am back to praying every day again, I have got to find some relief. I started on the house today, I worked straight through from sun up to sun down and got a lot done. That made me feel pretty good for a while. I am in the process of finishing all the stuff we were going to do before she got sick. She had great vision for these projects, I sure do miss her. I think she would approve of what I did today. I felt like she was watching me all day. Hope you had a good visit with the kids this weekend. Try to take care this week. BW

Hi Karen, I'm doing o.k. thanks for asking. Still a little rough around the edges today. I took a couple days off to take care of business this week. I'm having BBQ get together for all the people that did not get to the memorial in May. My wife always enjoyed having our patio and pool full of people when summer rolled around. We had a blast here when we put those parties on, I was a little apprehensive about it at first but it seemed to fit the occasion and the people that are coming are very close friends and of course our boys will be there so I'm kinda looking forward to it. I'm on the other coast or I would tell you to stop by. I'll pray for you this weekend Karen, I'm getting back on speaking terms with God again, kinda easing back in there. Man I really had a hard time with that for a while. I didn't think I could feel anymore alone but it did get worse when I turned my back to my faith. I am struggling with a lot of issues right now (as we all are) but I really think the counseling is helping. Try to stay in today and hold on tight. Take care or yourself Karen. BW

Thanks Marty, That's whole lot more positive way to look at things. I really appreciate the glimmer of hope from your observation.

Rob, sorry to hear about your wife. This is a very hard thing to go through, I lost my wife on the 29th of April to cancer. This forum has helped me from day to day when I get lost. There are good people on here going through the same feelings and hard times you are. You are not alone. Please take care with the booze, as the others warned it can make it worse, not to mention grief does take a toll on our bodies. God bless you buddy, hang in there. BW