Billw

When I had the floors done in June I had to empty the closets in the house, we have a huge walk in closet in our master bedroom that was my wife's home away from home so to speak. The ceilings were vaulted in the closet allowing me to put another set of racks for hanging clothes throughout the top of the room as well. I built a nice pole so she could hang all of her things on the high rack, as well as shelves for all of her shoes, boots, purses and etc. It turned out really nice. She was a professional and always dressed well....lots and lots of clothes, beautiful stuff so she was really excited when we bought this place because she could finally have all of her stuff in one closet. It took me a while to empty the closet when I did the floors, as soon as I had it all out that's when it hit me. It was horrible to see all of her things gone, I broke down completely that day, there was a whole lot of my wife in that room and I couldn't stand to see it gone. It was a relief after I finished the floors to put all of her stuff back. I'm just not there yet, her sister will be here in October and offered to help me with her things but I'm not even considering that yet. I know a lot of her friends that are the same size as her that would probably like to have some things and I thought I might donate to the woman's shelter that she used to take things to also. For now her things still bring me some comfort and I will get there some day...just not today....BW

Tammy, I just about fell of the chair laughing about your mom circling the date to be miserable (I'm sorry), oh my God can I relate to that one. I grew up the same way and refuse to be held hostage by grief to borrow a saying from our friend NATS. I have ventured out several times to do things that my wife and I enjoyed together, the first trip to the mountains for the weekend proved to be quite the challenge but I got through it, many tears and mixed emotion but I survived. I believe this is very healthy and my wife would want me to continue living. It is hard to do these things without our spouses but there is relief in knowing we can if we want to. My oldest boy told me a few weeks ago we need to get busy living, and I agree, he's a smart guy who has suffered through this also. Thank God fro those boys, they have saved me more than once in this ordeal. Have a good day and thanks for sharing that.....BW

Hi Melina, You told me after one of my posts last week that it made you feel guilty. I'm pretty sure though that sometimes we are way harder on ourselves than anyone else could possibly be. I thought back to a time before my wife and I were married, we had been together for maybe 8-9 months and had gotten into a bit of a disagreement. It turned into a pretty good brawl and we broke up for a few weeks. I had said something to her about if she would only do this or that like somebody else we would be a lot better off. She reminded me that when we compare ourselves to others in that way we will probably come up short every time. We need to learn to be o.k. with who we are. I wasted a pretty fair amount of time in my younger days trying to be someone I was not. I was either way better than you or not near as good. I have spent a lot of time the last 20 or so years trying to find balance in my life and just be who I am. I would change some things if I could like anyone else, was my marriage perfect? Far from it, we did the best we could over the years to compliment each others strengths instead picking at what was wrong with everything, did we do that perfectly? Some days were better than others no doubt. The point is we do the best we can most of the time and that's all we can do, we learn from our mistakes and try to make amends along the way. This deal is hard enough without beating ourselves up on top of everything else that has happened, be kind to yourself. You have been through a horrific ordeal, allow yourself to heal. God bless and take care....BW

Hi Dar, I'm real sorry to hear what happened. Nothing can prepare us for the pain we are feeling right now. It's nice that your last words to each other were loving. I lost my wife to cancer at the end of April. I have had some pretty rough times over the past months as I'm sure you have. For some reason it seems tougher the last couple of weeks. I am having some health issues of my own right now and that has seemed to amplify all of my grieving issues with it. I find comfort here in sharing with the others and I hope you can too. Take care...BW

Definitely a sign Tammy, that's awesome. I have received many over the past few months and it always catches me when I need it the most. I have stumbled on to missing items that I asked her to help me find, I have found things in books that I was studying and later found the same materials that she was looking at. My dreams and communications with her a few days ago are also some great gifts.....Do I believe, You bet. Sure could use one of those this weekend. BW

I had a dream early this morning, my wife was back and we were talking about everything that has happened since she passed. Funny part was I got up for a minute and when I came back to bed I had continued the conversation as I got back into bed. We talked for a few more minutes while I layed there in that twilight state between sleep and being awake. I showed her all of the things I have done around the house, we talked about how she has been, she looked beautiful and refreshed, I have felt her energy since she left as I have shared before, I know she still lives in my heart and my dreams. Nice gift this morning after a rough week.

Hi nirac, I am very sorry to hear about your loss. This is not a place that I wanted to end up but I am sure glad it is here. I am 47 and still second guessing every move I make right now, you are not alone. I have found a lot of kindness, understanding, peace, and comfort here. I lost my wife in April and was completely devastated, I stumbled on to this site and found myself being comforted and cared for by strangers who have become very dear to me, even though I have never met one of these people face to face, I feel as if I have known them for years. We share a common bond, we have all had to face some horrible things but we do it together. I like the fact that I am welcome to share or to just sit in and read from time to time. Please keep posting, it helps to express our feelings and talk about what is going on daily, people here truly "get it". The experience,strength, and hope on this forum is unbelievable. I am sorry you ended up here but I welcome you and hope you find peace and comfort here as I have. God bless.....BW

Don't feel bad Melina, I'm 6'2'' 185 pound man that has been seen in various locations around town or driving down the road crying. One of the positive sides of that is being out of the house doing something else. I have given in to the fact that this hurts and it makes me sad. I have seen people at random places some times in my life sitting on the curb or maybe at the store and they are crying or look like they might have been upset, kinda puts a whole new perspective on that now doesn't it? Maybe they are like us, I never thought about that. I have a picture of my wife when she was about 4-5 years old, she's standing holding some fish they caught at a lake, she has her little face a scrunched up and eyes squinted in the sun it's the coolest thing I've ever seen. Every time I look at it I smile and my heart brims over with love for her. These are the things that I hold onto, when I can get to that spot she is so close I can almost touch her. I'm really glad to hear you got out today, sounds really productive. God bless....BW

MZM, I feel your pain, I replay those tapes daily in my head over and over. I still have a hard time believing what happened. I lost my wife to cancer over a period of a year and a half and still go back to the first trip to the doctor and try to change the outcome in my mind so she can still be here. Watching the disease and treatments torture her over the last months and days she was here is haunting at times. I try to stay in the good memories and there are plenty of them, but for some reason I end up back at those other times a lot. I pray for relief for all of us and I know this will change some day, but sometimes it is just surreal. I have to know that we will meet again somewhere, her spirit lives on in my heart and I hold that close. God bless us all today and please bring us comfort....BW

I think you hit the nail on the head Melina, my wife used to ask "what is the lesson in all of this?" and I think a good part of it is what you talked about in seeing those families walk through grief and life challenges and still find meaning. We are fortunate to have the resources we do this day and age, I mean look at how we are interacting now. Every time I think my life has kicked me in the gut I don't have to look far to find someone in more pain than me. I think part of the healing process involves getting out of myself and offering a hand to someone else, I just have a hard time with the "self" part at times. I know my wife would want me to keep moving and some days that is the only motivation I have. God knows she didn't give up and I don't intend to either. Thanks Melina have a good day..BW

It would be nice if we could "just stop thinking about it" this consumes just about every minute of some days for me. I have had an extremely hard past few days, it is all I can think about. Work was just a blur yesterday, my oldest son came by to see me last night and we talked a lot about his mom and you can tell it warms his heart to think and talk about her, she left a huge mark on our part of the earth and is missed very badly. Some days I just go through the motions and fake it for 8-10 hours, come home, cry a little, and then try to eat and exorcise and that is my day. I wonder sometimes if this is my existence for the rest of the time I am here. I hate the thought of one more minute without her but I know I don't get a choice in that. I want to think there will be a day when this changes and I can feel "normal" again but I wouldn't know what normal looks like. I want to recover and feel better and I have faith that I will but the patience people talk about is hard to find. I really hope you feel better today and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers today...BW

I'm sorry Melina, I know we would all change things or do something different if we could, you are not alone in feeling this way. Those times are hard no doubt about it, you can't sugar coat the effects of cancer and the turmoil it can bring to your life. It effects everything and everyone around it, believe me we had our days. I hope you feel better today...BW

Tammy, you really struck a chord when you spoke about people not realizing the opportunity we are given when our loved ones have been diagnosed with late stage cancers, and the choice to take it. My wife and I learned early in our relationship how to be kind to one another, please,thank you, I love you, you look great today, and so on. These things along with my wife's cute smile every time I walked in the room went a long way to better our relationship over the years. People really don't get the importance of these little things. We did these things many times throughout the day without any thought, after she became sick, she got up with me every morning still wanting to make my lunch for work, it was painful to watch but she insisted on trying, she had been so beat up by the chemo and the disease it was horrible. For an independent, strong woman it upset her if I tried to help her with some things so I let her do it. After a while she just couldn't do a whole lot, that girl thanked me every day for taking such good care of her. I never missed an opportunity for a kiss or hug or to hold hands until she would fall asleep. I am so happy to have had those moments and wouldn't trade one second for anything. Thank God we took the time before and after she became ill, as I have no regrets or unfinished business with her as you said. We spent a lot of hours talking late into the night over the last year she was alive and we shared a lot of joys, fears, and promises that I plan to keep. Thanks again for posting....BW

Hi Tammy, So sorry for your loss, 45 wow. I was relating to the emotional roller coaster, life can be really cruel. My wife finished her last round of chemo July of 09 and we skipped out of the oncologist in disbelief. It was too good to be true and ultimately she got worse and died in April. Your relationship with Jeff sounds a lot like ours. We cherished every day we spent together, it was not always perfect but we really learned how to enjoy one another. We loved to get out and explore new places and take in the good things in life, God knows we worked hard to get to the spot where we could do a lot more things and time just ran out on us. Some days that one really eats at me that she is not here to enjoy the fruits of our labor. I will continue to do everything I can to finish the things we started. You are right, this is a positive place that offers comfort. There are a lot of really fine people going through hard times together. They have helped me immensely through the past months. Please keep posting and take care of your self. My only advice is to pull up every happy memory you can and hold it tight in your heart, when I can do this, the feeling of gratitude takes over and I can feel my wife's energy all around me. It is the best thing I have felt since she left. That's a great picture. God bless...BW

Thank you all for writing today, I got up and put one foot in front of the other this morning and headed out to face the day. Something is definitely a little off the last few days, I am still trying to analyze too much. I know I will make it through but it is really attacking me at the oddest times and places lately. Just now at the dentist office for instance, it's getting hard at times to hold back the tears in public. I miss her so bad right now it's all I think of all day and night, I feel like I have moved back a few steps at times but I know there is no forward or back right now, I am either moving or stopped in my tracks. I was going to say you all don't know how much your kindness and caring mean to me but I know better than that. Thank God for this place, while I am sorry for everyone who is here I'm sure glad to have your support on these tough days. God bless each and every one of us, thanks again everybody.....BW

Thanks Melina, I lost my wife at the end of April. We were very close, when she was diagnosed we knew it was not good and that this could happen. I thought about it quite a bit over the past year and a half that she was alive and thought to myself, I don't know what I would do without her, well here I am and I am lost a lot of the time without a doubt. The weekends have been beating me up pretty bad for some reason this month, we traveled and shared a lot of fun activities. This is the time of year when it finally starts to cool off enough to get out and do a lot of the things we enjoyed together, maybe that is part of my increased sadness all of the sudden. I don't know anything and that keeps me analyzing every move I make when I know deep down that I am just going to have to feel all of this and get through it like everyone else, I wish there was a shortcut but I know when I take one there is something that I missed along the way and I don't want to have to go back anymore than absolutely necessary when it comes to walking through this. I will recover and I am willing to take the time, it just does not feel good as we all know. Thanks for checking back Melina, take care and have a good day. BW

Thanks Deb, I am really working on the social thing and trying when possible to extend my hand to those around me in pain but some days this thing really gets a hold of me. You hit the nail on the head when you talked about hating this new life that was forced upon us. I have seriously tried to think that I will wake up and this whole thing is a horrible dream, as cliche as that sounds I have grasped at every straw possible. Sometimes I really can't believe all of this actually happened. I have worked hard at counseling and the therapist says I have made huge progress from where I was and I know this is true but it just doesn't feel good and I have no idea what normal even would look or feel like anymore. Thanks for checking in, have a good night.....BW

Hi NATS, it has been a while, glad to hear about your good news with your lung and I'm happy to hear things are going well with you and you friend. I have had a heck of a time today and over the past few weekends in general. I know I am going to have to just trust in my Higher Power and feel the feelings and I will get through this. I have felt so grateful at times to have the connection with my wife it is overwhelming, at the same time the grief just blindsides me from time to time. I want to feel better and I am willing to do whatever I have to to get there. Thanks for being there, take care....BW

Hi Cris, thanks for being here today. Sorry about your husband, wow three years just confirms the healing time theories. I'm glad you found this site too, although I am sorry any of us have to be here. I have been doing o.k. for the most part the past month or so but some days are just more of a challenge. It is amazing to me sometimes how crippling grief can be, I can go from a totally productive, somewhat content feeling to being paralyzed with grief in just minutes. I have made significant progress from where I started and I am grateful for that but nothing could have prepared me for the emptiness and just flat out sadness that I feel some days, I miss my wife so bad my heart aches. The only thing positive that I get from the ache is that it was the first time in my life I ever truly used my heart to love someone. God bless us all thanks again. BW

I woke up early and went through my normal routine, went out for a nice bike ride, and came home to rest for the day. I can usually feel it (huge empty feeling) coming on and today was no exception. I came in to check my emails and I have been watching some posts on here and it hit me like a freight train again, I still can't believe she is gone some days, I wander through the house looking for something to hold on to or make me feel better. I hate the thought of being without her for one more minute. I have stuck with my therapy, I force myself to go out and socialize,work, and exorcise. I have some pretty quality connections with her as I have mentioned before but some days this is just clouded with the overwhelming grief. I know I can get back to a good place again but it is just not happening quick enough today. Thank God for this site and the people on here, I know I am not alone and things will change.....Thanks for listening...BW

Weekends can be brutal, I remember the good old days when I couldn't wait for Friday and now there is a strange kind of feeling when I leave work for the weekend. The house is very empty these days so I usually try to get home, take a shower, and get moving right away on Friday afternoons. This weekend I did just that, I went out with some friends, had a little dinner, and then went to the grocery store, that pretty much ate up Friday night. I got up and took a bike ride and then cleaned house for most of the day and got out again for lunch with a couple people. I am forcing myself sometimes to socialize but it is coming more naturally to me now or so it seems. This whole thing is so foreign to me and some days I know I am just faking my way through but I don't know what else to do. I am a very fortunate person, I have received some huge gifts in life but the loss of my wife is so overwhelming at times I still cannot believe that is is true. Some days I almost feel normal for a minute or two and then reality settles in again, it's not just the weekends but they are the longest days of the week for me now. I know there is hope for better days ahead and I am looking forward to them, for right now I am just trying to do what is in front of me and keep my feet moving, hopefully the mind and heart will follow again someday.........BW

Hi Melina, I feel your pain and have felt exactly the same as what you are describing, I had one of those horrible weekends last week and cried a lot, walked around in the haze, and missed my wife so bad it physically hurt. I wish I had some profound solution to offer. All I have is this forum to use and a few good friends to lean on sometimes when I get to that painful spot. Dropping to my knees and praying for this to be removed offers relief from time to time but nothing takes that ache away some days. We walk through this a day at a time, some days a minute at a time. I will keep praying for you and sending good thoughts your way. You say you can't talk with your husband, I believe you can. I talk to my wife just as if she is here in the room beside me, it does bring me comfort. Call it crazy, maybe it is. I'm sure I have had more sane days in my life but for now I am feeling the feelings. Please stay close to this site and keep posting, there is healing through contact with others in the same pain as you. Take care my friend.......BW

You are exactly right, the trauma at first made it harder to make the connection. The healing process is taking time. We are in so much pain at first that it makes it hard to feel anything else. As soon as that subsides a little (and it will) it makes it easier to feel something besides the pain and our hearts open again to the good stuff. I had been in therapy for a few visits and was starting to sort through some of this stuff when I realized it was happening. This is not a 24-7 type of thing, I have to be in the right place mentally and spiritually. I want to think some day I will be healed enough to feel this all day, once again I have to be patient with the process and try to be kind to myself and others, when I do that I have a pretty good chance. Hang in there Melina, it will happen. Thoughts and prayers........BW

I also enjoyed the poem. I relate to your post NATS, I have found the same connection with my wife that you speak of with Ruth. I don't so much hear with my ears what she is saying but I can feel it with my heart as I have mentioned before. This spiritual connection is so strong at times it overwhelms me with love and gratitude, it brings me to my knees. I never used my heart to love another person, it was always physical or kind of a superficial attempt at best. I truly believe in "soul mates" and I know we were put in the same time and place on this earth for a reason. I'd like to share one of my morning readings that I think fits in nicely with this topic...."The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched but are felt in the heart".....Helen Keller. That one hit me in the heart this morning. BW

I found faith in a higher power years ago. It is something that has guided me and given me comfort over the years. It is not a conventional God that is worshiped in a building every Sunday but something I have a conscious contact with throughout the day. When my wife was diagnosed I prayed like I had never prayed before and asked that she be healed, she had the same beliefs that I did. We both had faith that things would be o.k. and they were for quite a while, faith in this power got her through a surgery, several rounds of chemo, and she lived the best life she could under the circumstances. Her condition worsened and she just could not recover, when she passed I became furious with my faith and turned my back to my higher power, I cursed God and became enraged for weeks. This was truly the loneliest, darkest time I have ever felt in my life, not only had I lost my partner that I walk the earth with, now I had nothing to turn to. Human power has failed me through the years, this power or God if you will has been with me since the beginning and is in my heart permanently and has gotten me through some pretty bad scrapes. I got back in touch after a few weeks and I know I have this faith in my life to guide me and keep me closer to my wife. When I am in gratitude for all of the gifts in life we shared together she is right here with me. She lives on in my heart and I feel her energy surround me from time to time and it feels great. I believe we will be together again in some form or another. Her spirit lives within me and I have the same daily conscious contact with her at times that I do the other power in my life, the only difference is that it is not a physical touch but a spiritual touch that I feel from her now. I miss the physical touch but I am grateful to experience the spiritual one. We will meet again someday. I had a dream about her and have been up since 3:00 am, I got up in sort of a fog, since reading your post and sharing my thoughts it has reconnected me for the start of my day, thanks for posting Melina you gave me just what I needed to start my day with. Take care.... BW