Billw

Kat, I have tried both. For me personally I feel like I am getting more out of the one on one for now. I have a friend that went through some pretty traumatic situations years ago and he gave me a piece of advice that I took to heart. He told me either you can get going on this now or wait 23 years like he did and suffer longer, it's up to you. I have had some experience with counseling years ago for other issues and found that if I don't feel the connection after a visit or two, move on until you are comfortable with the person you are working with. The pro's can only work with what we give them so if I'm as honest and open as I can be I seem to benefit the most. That is another reason some do better with one on one, they might not be as open in a group. Any way you go, I don't think we can go wrong when we ask for help or extend our hand to others to try to help. BW

Hi Karen, unfortunately I had the same kind of day today. I had to attend a class for work at a big training facility and during one of the breaks I went to the restroom and on the way out all of the sudden out of nowhere I was overcome with grief and started to break down. This is a very strange feeling and very hard to explain to complete strangers, luckily for me nobody was around and I was able to pull it together before class started again. I hate this feeling but now it almost is starting to feel normal. How messed up is that? Keep your husband's memories close and wish him a happy birthday for me, try to enjoy the day and I'll try to do the same. Take care Karen. Wishing the best for all of us,BW

Glad you had a good day Karen, it gives me some hope. I have a BBQ planned for next weekend for my some close friends of ours that were unable to make it to her memorial, we plan to share some food, stories, and fellowship to celebrate her life. She always enjoyed the BBQ and pool parties we had here several times a summer. It just won't be the same without her, but nothing is the same without her. I am working on the anger, as I have said before that emotion just doesn't suit me well in this situation. I think we all have a long road ahead Karen. Thanks for checking in. BW

Myra, I'm crying with you, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. This has been a good spot for me to vent a little and find others that really know how I feel. I have used this site over the last month when I feel overwhelmed, lonely, or just flat out insane. There is safety in numbers and it relieves some of the anxiety for me to post even if people don't reply. There is something calming for me when I talk about my wife and tell part of our story. I love my wife dearly as I am sure you do your husband and there just aren't words to describe the emptiness we feel. I have to know that we will meet up again some day when I leave this earth but until then I am still trying to figure out what the heck to do with myself. Hang in there and keep his memories close. BW

Karen, I sure can relate to the twisted stomach and the feeling in the chest that you describe. I lost my wife at the end of April and I am completely lost. I also identify with the anger. I am in counseling and having some success with that but the periods without these feelings are very short and far between. I find myself very quick to the trigger with anger and very short of patience for some family members and friends. I too hope this will pass and I have hope that I will feel better, I can still feel her in spirit and I know she will be with me forever, but I am having a hard time with the reality that she is gone. This house and my life just seem so empty right now. I want to have hope, I am just having trouble finding it right now. Take care. BW

Hi Deb, You are in the right place and I can relate to your loss. I cry so hard sometimes I think my body is going to come apart. I too watched someone I loved more than anything on the face of this earth take the last breath. I had to beg her to stop, she had been suffering for days and would not give up. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. This has haunted me for weeks and I have also been having a hard time. I've heard every standard issue answer from from family and friends about time, healing, keeping busy, moving on and so on. All I have to say about that is you just don't know anything about this feeling until it happens to you. I have been blessed with a really good counselor that seems to be helping me through the grief. So far I feel like I am moving in the right direction. I am starting to feel slight relief from some of this for very (short periods) of time. At this point I'll settle for anything other than the way I have been feeling. Hang in there Deb, stay close to those who truly say things that help you feel better. BW

Hi Leesa, I had one of those nights last night. I got home from work and everything kinda came apart. I called a friend, made dinner and ate, pretended to watch TV, and then tried to go to bed. I ended up back here after not being able to sleep. I am still trying to adjust to all of this and not doing so well a lot of the time. My wife and I did a lot of biking, hiking and outdoor types of things, so tonight I loaded up my bike and went for a ride. Being outside moving seems to help a little. When I got back home I came straight here to check in, it seems to pass some time and help me feel not so alone. I miss the way my wife smiled at me every time I walked into a room, it absolutely melted my heart when ever I saw it. I will never forget the happiness my wife brought to me, we truly loved one another and lived a life second to none. I will always be grateful for that but for now I am lost without her.I hope we find some joy in our lives and I hope our spouses are at peace. May they stay close in our hearts. Take care and stay close to this site when you feel alone. It will take some of the sting out of the quiet nights. BW

Hi Suzanne, I've been posting a couple weeks now. I lost my wife to cancer in April this year. I am having a pretty bad time of it right now. It doesn't seem to matter what I do for my self or others the pain is very raw and very real right now. I found a counselor that deals specifically with trauma and grief, I go as often as I can, it seems to have given me some relief (very briefly) I'm not expecting a magic cure for this because I know there isn't one. I sure do relate to the frustration with family advice on how to get over this and just move on. What a joke!! I would give everything I have for one more minute with my wife. This loneliness is unbearable at times. I just went in to go to bed and fell completely apart for the fourth or fifth time since I got home today. I hate this, thank God we have a place to come where others feel the same pain and wish nothing but hope and recovery for one another. I have no advice for anyone else, only hope for better days for all of us. Hope you're doing o.k.... I'm gonna try to head back to bed. BW

Thanks guys, I faked it pretty good today at work. I actually got some work done. When I got home all hell broke loose again, I have never been this out of control in my life. I hate this!! I'm doing some one on one counseling and I don't go back until Thursday night. I went last week for my third visit and felt like I got a small bit of relief for a day or two. This is the worst it's gotten for a few weeks. I miss her so bad I can't hardly stand it. I can only stay so busy and do so much in a day to try to distract myself. I'm trying to forgive God right now NATS, I'm on my knees every morning asking but it just about chokes me to do it. I love that girl more than anything on this planet and I want her back. Acceptance of this one seems impossible at this point. BW

I started a list of all the stuff we put on hold when my wife got sick. She told me a few months ago that if things took a turn for the worst she wanted me to finish the things we started. A lot of it was work on the house and yard and the rest was about trips and adventures we planned for before and after we had stopped working. I've started picking at the stuff around the house but it just doesn't feel right without her input, she had great vision for projects in the works, she was very creative and had a good eye for detail. W e have a beautiful home that she decorated and it just does not feel right for me to try to finish things without her. Luckily she left me some paint and carpet samples that she had picked out. I'll have to use my best judgment on the rest. As far as the trips go, there's no way I can even think of going, I just let one reservation go for next week on a trip we were supposed to take. I went down to the hardware store to get some stuff and I had a melt down after I got home, I'm trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied but it always runs right back to her. I miss her so bad it makes me physically ache. Thanks for posting guys, I really appreciate it. BW

Happy Birthday Scott, god bless you Korina. Sounds like it's been a long year. BW

Sorry to hear about your husband Lessa. I am in the process of trying to adjust to life without my wife and I absolutely hate it. My head tells me to isolate and feel bad but my heart tells me that she would hate that worse than anything. My wife passed in April from cancer and I still can't get my head around this deal. We also have two boys, they are still pretty torn up right now. If anything she would be proud of us as our relationships have tightened up since she passed. The only thing that seems to help is to stay close to them, try to get out even when I don't want to,and try to keep the good memories close to the heart. The last weeks were pretty hard on her and I have sought counseling to help me through the trauma of watching her suffer. I have shared in other posts about the anger I have felt through this deal, I too feel as though not only was she cheated out of watching these boys grow up and raise families, but we put a lot of work into our relationship and were really enjoying the benefits. I don't know why this happened, all I know right now is that there is some relief in sharing and talking to people who are in similar situations. Let people assume what they want, keep your boys close and your husband in your heart. Take care and God Bless BW

There's a whole lot of talk about time in this deal and I am sure this will get better in time. I have worked on this resentment with God a little this week and know that this will bring resolution when I can surrender. I am so stubborn sometimes like I said before, I have to take the beating before I can give it up. I miss my girl and I can feel her here sometimes I just wish I could have her back. When I feel at my lowest I try to reach out and talk to people, I'm glad to have a place where I am understood. I am trying to share with some others on this site that are hurting as I know helping someone else brings comfort to them and me. Thanks to all of you, take care. BW

Hi Delinda, I know exactly where you're at. My wife died 4-29-10 after a 1 1/2 year battle with cancer. We tried everything, she did everything she could to stay here and it just was not to be. Now everything in the house is a trigger to my emotions. We too had made plans for the summer if we could get her feeling better. I have hotel conformations for next month up north in the mountains and I still don't think I can go without her and I don't want to take a friend or family member. At this point I don't care about going anywhere. Getting out has done me some good over the last month, I force myself to go places when invited. I just got back from an office dinner that I had no intention of going to, it was o.k. but all I can think about right now is getting back home when I go out. I have been back to work for three weeks and doing o.k. with that for the most part. This site gives me some comfort in the early morning before I head to work, there's a lot of good people here going through some really hard times. You are not alone. God bless BW

Hey NATS, Still haven't picked up the pen and put it to paper on the (God part) yet. I get out to work for my ten hour reprieve (somewhat) just going through the motions right now. Thank God I can fake it right now down there, work has been real patient with me. I have some huge projects coming up in the next few months and I'm going to have to shift gears some how and get my act together to be able to cover this job. I'm lucky to have good help too they have worked hard to cover while I have been gone. I know I'll get through all of that, it's the home work that is beating me up right now. BW

We were together sixteen years, married for fifteen of it. Like I said in earlier posts, we bumped heads a little in the very beginning but once we picked a direction and headed there we didn't stop. We let nothing stand in the way our happiness, we worked hard and set goals and either met or exceeded most all of them. We found that we had similar values, morals, and good strong work ethic. We really enjoyed each other to the fullest. When she got sick things took a drastic change but she was no push over, if things didn't work out like she planned she found a new plan, she worked her ass off to try to recover but she just couldn't catch up. That is one of the parts I struggle with the most is her strong desire to keep going only to be shut down completely and rejected at the end. That's where a lot of my hard feelings towards the creator of all of this comes in. I know she wouldn't want me moping around the house so I am forcing myself to do anything I can to carry on the daily grind. I have taken measures to get some outside help with all of this as I know she would tell me to. She always said "What's greater the pain or the fear?" They are both kicking my butt tonight Honey. BW

Hi Becky, God bless you lady. Just when I think I have had more than my fair share of bad breaks in life I hear someone else tell about their challenges. Wow I don't even know what to say other than I can relate to the anger. That is one of the things that is just beating me up right now but it's one of those places that is familiar. I really hope we can find peace with all of this because it's no fun to be in the middle of all this turmoil. BW

My Grandfather passed away in April a couple weeks before my wife. He is the father figure in my life since my dad was not around. He is the man that gave me my work ethic, morals, and values in life that have made me the man I am today. I have been on this site for days talking about the loss of my wife and have yet to mention him. I have not even had a chance to grieve for him at all. The day I went to his funeral, all I could think of was getting home to take care of my wife who was battling the final stages of ovarian cancer. I don't even know where to begin to grieve for him as my heart is so heavy for my wife right now it's all I can think about. I went to counseling Sat. to try to get started and the counselor said we would work on that also. I am starting to get overwhelmed again just when I thought I could begin to breathe a little again. BW

Thanks NATS, that sounds like good solid action. I just have to beat my head against the wall before I can turn loose of some of these things. I'm not quite to willingness on that one yet but I know deep down every time I've done the work it moves me closer to the peace I'm looking for. I've used anger for years to keep people away and it works great. My wife reminded me daily how good life is and that it too damn short to walk around her mad at the world. She brought out the peaceful grateful side of me I never knew I had. I will find it again, I just gotta keep looking and asking. Thanks again for the eye opener NATS I will at least set the pad an pen on the counter today.

27, We are not alone or weird or unique. The more I hang out with you guys the more I see that. I am very angry with God right now as I stated in previous posts, how I get over that I don't have a clue. I have depended on a higher power for years to get me through things and now I feel like I have been dumped beside the road. I know that is not so but it sure feels like it. I ask daily "why? it's not fair!! and all that other stuff we do. I don't expect I'll get any answer soon. I am like you guys; just looking for some peace with all of this. A friend of mine says when we have a resentment for someone who we feel has wronged us that we are to pray for them as we would any other sick person. I have used that for some years and it does work. How the heck do you pray for God when you feel he has wronged you? BW

I don't know what to do or what the answer is other than to keep reaching out to others. We have all suffered huge loss in our lives. As I said earlier, I went for my first visit today with a counselor and I feel good about moving in a direction. My wife and I have always been "action" people, we found that sitting alone in our own heads can be a dangerous place at times. Thank God we have resources to use today. This site has helped me to open up a little and get some of this stuff out in front of me where I can see it. I was hesitant to say the least to share with strangers some of the stuff that has been going through my head. Now I find my self getting into action, even if it is just sitting here reading and typing, it beats the heck out of sitting here staring at the wall. Something happens when we put pen to paper, it kind of clears some of the mud off of things we can't see. I hope you feel better Karin. BW

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I went to talk to a counselor today (first trip) and she touched briefly on some of the things we have witnessed as caregivers for our loved ones and it is truly a horrible thing to watch. My wife was a very strong independent person much the same as your husband probably was and to see them go through this torture with some of the treatments, surgeries, and the disease alone is just traumatizing to us. She said we will be coming back to that area later and I will learn how to use some tools to help me get through some of that. I hope it works because when I flash back on some of that stuff it is really brutal. I believe there is strength in numbers and you guys have all helped me through this week. Thanks again Suzanne. BW

I have so much gratitude in my life for every second I spent with my wife. The boys are a blessing, part of the icing on an already full cake. I guess that's part of my confusion. I have all of this gratitude for everything, and at the same time I'm angry and resentful, I have never been this out of touch with my emotions in my life. I can't make up my mind what the heck I am from one minute to the next. I am reaching out and I have been told all so often that it is going to take time, I related to the girl on another post that said she wanted a year to be over with now. At the same time I realize I need every minute of this experience to get me where ever I am headed in the future. We went through some pretty hairy scrapes together and always got through. I miss her loving support and kindness when I feel like crap, nobody else even compares. That woman smiled every time I walked in the room and it just melted my heart. BW

I was reading through some other posts about having to go back to a place were your loved one has passed. I'm sitting in the room right now where my wife left us and I thought at one time before she died that it might feel strange or might bother me to be here but it is just the opposite, it brings me comfort to be here and to know her spirit is still in this house ("spirit" not in a spooky or weird sense). This is exactly where she wanted to be. I feel for the people who had to be in the hospital when they left us God knows that's the last place they wanted to be. I still cry when I drive by the clinic or the Dr.'s office that my wife was treated at, so I can easily identify with those horrible feelings. Good Bless you guys. BW