Perkins808

I'm so glad to hear this Melina! One thought that came to mind when you said you weren't looking hard enough for signs from your husband......I think the opposite may be true. Maybe you're looking too hard?? I'm really glad that these ended up being happy occasions for you. Yay!! Hugs, Tammy

I saw this posted in another thread.....and thought I'd spend some time putting into words what I've learned in the last year. What I’ve learned in the last year….. I’ve learned that even when I think I have no more tears left, I can still cry for hours. I’ve learned that most times when people ask how I am, they don’t really want to know. I’ve learned that I get signs all the time, I just have to be open to getting them. I’ve learned that doing things for others sometimes takes my mind off of my own problems. I’ve learned that no matter how much my heart hurts, the sun still comes up every day. I’ve learned that when people tell me who they really are, I really need to listen. I’ve learned that I should never put the teakettle on to boil water and then walk out of the room. I’ve learned that after a short period of time, people run out of sympathy for grief. I’ve learned that I am stronger than I think I am. I’ve learned that no matter how much I do, I will never be able to keep everyone happy. I’ve learned that even when I do things with the purest of intentions, someone will always think I have an ulterior motive. I’ve learned that no matter how little carpeting there is in the house, that’s where the dog will throw up. I’ve learned to trust in my instincts and listen to my heart. I’ve learned that the IRS doesn’t really care that I’ve lost my husband, will pay out a tax return to whoever files with his social security number first, and then leave me jumping through hoops to prove that I am entitled to file for him. I’ve learned that when you lose someone so close to you, you sometimes lose others as well. I’ve learned that I can be surrounded by so many loving, caring people….and still feel so all alone. I’ve learned that I can not only take the washing machine apart, I can put it back together without consulting the owner’s manual. I’ve learned that I have very little patience for petty stuff. I’ve learned that the Jeep (a standard that I just figured out how to drive) will only stall in an intersection if there is a long line of cars behind me. I’ve learned how to jumpstart a car all by myself. I’ve learned that you can never take too many pictures. I’ve learned that although I may not know the names of the tools in the toolbox, I’ve quickly learned what each one of them is for. I’ve learned that hearing certain songs on the radio will reduce me to tears in seconds. I’ve learned that God does answer prayers, just not in the way that you want or expect him to. I’ve learned to ask for help and to accept it. I’ve learned that sometimes something as simple as a smile can make someone’s day. I’ve learned that although I may not like it, life goes on. I’ve learned that every day…..I learn something new. Tammy

Today I am grateful for friends who have reached out to me knowing that I am having a hard time.....even when they are dealing with their own struggles. Thank you!!! Hugs, Tammy

I am so sorry Di, I know how you feel. Jeff had a travel mug that he loved to drink his coffee out of everyday. I thought it was funny - it had a picture of a crab on it and it said "Leave me alone, I'm crabby". It was funny because I don't think I ever saw Jeff crabby!! I think of all the things we go through in dealing with our grief, my least favorite are the emotions that sneak up without warning. I hate that feeling like I don't have control. I hope that you are able to find some peace. Hugs, Tammy

Thank you Harry for your kind words, and thank you Marty ~ I think it's time to dig out the guided imagery CD's for bedtime again!

So 11 months ago today I lost my husband, to cardiac arrest....when we thought stage 4 esophageal cancer was ultimately going to take his life. How ironic that on his death certificate it lists first - cardiac arrest, second - ventricular fibrillation....and the cancer is last. Last night was the third night in a row that I woke up from a bad dream, reliving the nightmare of how Jeff died. Doing CPR, watching the color drain from his face....I'm right back there again. I even hear my own voice screaming for him not to leave me. Not sure what has brought this back again, I used to have this nightmare every night, but it's been a while. This has been an overwhelming week. Check engine lights, error codes on the washing machine, I destroyed the lawn mower by running over a stump, lots of stress at work and then lots of kid stuff to deal with. Maybe the stress of dealing with it all alone is bringing out nightmares again? I lay in bed at night dreading falling asleep.....because I don't want to see my husbands face the way he looked on the night he died. So my positive outlook on life has kind of escaped me for a moment....I'm hoping it comes back soon. Hugs, Tammy

Oh Melina ~ It's been a rough week for me and I was in need of a good cry. This song definitely did the trick. I guess I am in the same mood as you! Hugs, Tammy

Hi Harry, I am so glad that you were able to find someone that you connected with. My first shot at finding a grief counselor didn't make it past a phone call. Talking to her on the phone I just didn't feel the connection at all so I cancelled my first appt. My second attempt turned out to be exactly what I was looking for though as I love my grief counselor Wendy. She is so easy to talk to and no matter how bad I'm feeling, no matter how many tears I shed while I'm with her.....I always feel better after. I hope that you are able to continue with the one on one counseling and that it continues to bring you some peace. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Sad, I am sorry that today was especially hard for you. I hope tomorrow brings you something better. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Brian, Sorry I didn't get to yell at Tom Walton......but I hope things went well with your interview!! Hugs, Tammy

Melina, I certainly can relate to everything you're feeling. You're wanting to be at these events, you want to feel the happiness, yet the pain of missing your husband hinders that. My hope for you is that you are able to muster the strength to be at these events with a smile on your face....and that maybe there will be some sign that your Thyge is there with you. Hugs, Tammy

My memory fails me (once again) so forgive me if I've already posted these pictures.....I don't remember if I shared them or not. But this was the balloon release we did for Jeff's birthday. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Kay, Jeff died in July last year....and when his birthday rolled around in October we did a balloon release in the back yard. I have every intention that no matter what is going on in my life, every October 23rd, rain or shine and whether I'm surrounded by others or standing alone.....I will release a balloon in honor of him. He always told me his birthday wasn't a big deal, and I'd look him straight in the eye and tell him that it was a big deal to me, that I was so grateful he was born. I like to think that they DO celebrate birthdays in Heaven....and that our balloons reached him as he was having his own celebration! Hugs, Tammy

I like the way you think Carol Ann! Your life is definitely worth saving. I hope tonight brings you peace. Hugs, Tammy

Was just thinking of another sweet memory that I thought I would share. Every Tuesday Jeff and I would make the trip to Boston to Dana Farber for his chemo. We always considered ourselves lucky to live somewhat close since people travel from all over.....but it would still take anywhere from an hour and a half to three hours, depending on what time of day and how much traffic. On one particular long ride home Jeff decided we should stop at the rest stop on the way home to grab a coffee, with this particular rest stop having a Burger King and Dunkin Donuts as well as a pretty good sized lobby. We had no sooner walked into the lobby when we heard our song "Amazed" by Lonestar playing on the overhead speakers. Without even thinking, Jeff grabbed my hands and pulled me to him.....and we danced right there in the lobby like we were the only ones in the building. Yes, "Amazed" was the perfect song for him......because he never ceased to amaze me. Oh how I miss him! Hugs, Tammy

Now my memories from shortly after Jeff died are sketchy at best, but I do remember searching online for positive ways to deal with grief. (That is actually how I the HOV grief site!) It was nagging away at me because I knew I had found an article on this subject, and tonight I finally found the link on my computer. It was posted on the PBS website, and I remember it gave me hope that by allowing myself to feel the positives, it would give me a much needed break from all of the negatives that we all experience while grieving. I just thought I'd share this: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/positive-emotions-do-they-have-role-grieving-process Hugs, Tammy

Today I am grateful that I still have a wonderful relationship with my mother in law from my first marriage. She has always been a dear friend and has been even more so since Jeff died. She too lost her husband to cardiac arrest (although he wasn't battling cancer) so she has been someone that I can talk to about everything I am going through and she understands first hand. Today she offered me the use of her summer cabin - it is right on a small lake tucked away in the woods of New Hampshire. So for the weekend before July 4th, my girls and I (and maybe their friends) will spend a few stress free days enjoying all that nature has to offer. I am now counting down the days!

I can definitely relate! It seemed that on the days that I was most frazzled at work, when the phone was just ringing off the hook and I didn't think I could handle one more phone call.....I would pick it up and hear "Hi Babe!" and my heart would melt and everything would be right in the world. Yes, we only had 4 short years together, but I think because we appreciated all the little things, and Jeff was all about the little things.....it seems like we were together for longer. We were on the same page with just about everything, and if that doesn't make your soul mate, I don't know what does. He used to tease me that although I was 7 years younger than he was, I was an "old soul", that although I was raised to be an independent woman....I so appreciated and shared his old fashioned values. There isn't a doubt in my mind about Jeff being my soul mate......and that he will be the one I will spend eternity with. Hugs, Tammy

Today I am grateful that I still have two teenagers at home and that their crazy schedules keep me busy. I'm not sure why, but this has been an emotional weekend for me and having them here gave me a reason to keep moving. I hope everyone here was able to do something that brought them some peace and comfort. Hugs, Tammy

Dear Mfh, I can only imagine how wonderful yet overwhelming that must have been for you, if that makes any sense. I have wished so many times that I would be able to hear Jeff's voice again. The only video we have is of our wedding, and unfortunately the only voice you can hear is the justice of the peace. I hope that as painful as it must have been, that it gave you some peace and comfort as well. Hugs, Tammy

It has been ten months and I am just starting to not completely dread the weekends, but maybe it's because work has been kind of stressful lately. Weekends are hardest for me because I would wake up before Jeff and as soon as I heard him get out of bed (there's one squeaky floorboard), I would turn the coffee pot on. He would get up, go in the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash up.....and then climb back into bed to wait for me, knowing full well how much I loved to bring him coffee in bed. It seemed like such a small thing to do for him, but I knew it made him feel like a king. He would always tell me how he had never been spoiled before and how much he appreciated me. We would lay in bed, Jeff drinking his coffee, me drinking my tea....sometimes talking about life, sometimes just laying there listening to the birds. I remember a morning long before he was diagnosed with cancer we were discussing a book we had both been reading - "The Last Lecture" (if you haven't read it it's about Randy Pausch, a professor who was dying from cancer and his positive way of dealing with it). I told him that if anything ever happened to him, it would be these moments that I miss the most. Not the tropical vacations, not the crazy nights out, not the fancy dinners......it would be laying in bed having coffee with the one person in the world that I loved the most. Oh how much I miss him.

I can second what Kayc said. Though it hadn't even been a year, I started spending time with a man that in hindsight I wish I hadn't. It wasn't anything "serious", it was just nice to be able to go out to dinner and have someone to talk to. I thought he understood where I was emotionally....but he kept pushing for more and I couldn't handle it. The whole thing also created a lot of division - while I still feel wholeheartedly that I get decide what to do with my life, some people in my life don't agree. So I guess it was too soon. I think with all the pain I was in I was just in a rush to find something to take my mind off the pain. I wanted a sign that my life was going to go on, and I wanted it right that moment. I'm not sure if it was that experience that put me in the mindset I am in now, but now I am not in a rush for anything. I know I still have so much work to do and that I have to be comfortable alone before I can be comfortable with somebody else. So now my mindset is, if I am meant to meet someone else it will happen and it will feel comfortable. I'm not going to pursue anything....I will just let whatever happens happen.

Many times I have been asked how I could possibly still be so positive after everything I've been through in my lifetime, and I have to admit that I am always stumped by this question. I don't know the answer to this question, it's just who I am. I can tell you that it was certainly not my upbringing. My parents, God love them, are two of the most negative people ever. My father states everytime something bad happens that it's the "family curse".....and I just laught to myself. He insists that a black cloud floats over their house at all times. My theory? Bad things happen to good people all the time. ALL the time. AND, there is always someone out there who has it worse than me. I guess my theory in life is this, and this is not to say how anybody else lives is right or wrong, this is just what works for me......life is short, you never know what it's going to throw at you. Bad things are going to happen, but if I spent everyday dwelling on that than my heart wouldn't be open for the good things.....and I think there are still so many good things to experience. Someone in another thread had asked how we knew we had met our soul mate. Well, this is how I knew Jeff was mine. That man had been through more pain and suffering in his lifetime, fighting a horrible auto-immune disease, going through a very painful divorce that he never wanted....yet he always had a smile on his face. He was the most positive man I've ever met.....and yet he had been given so many reasons to not be. The smile you see on his face in the picture of the two of us (it was taken when we were on our honeymoon, which we were able to squeeze in between chemo and radiation treatments!).....well, that was the smile on his face every day, good or bad. He had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He knew he was going to die.....and yet for 9 months he still found a reason to say life is good. He lived every day! If he can still be positive and have a smile on his face every day while facing that? I think that just reinforces my beliefs in why I live the way I do. I don't think there is a right way or wrong way to "do grief". I think we just have to find a way that works for us. I also want to point out that some days I am positive I am losing my mind. Some days I am positive that I've cried a bucket of tears. Some days I am positive that my heart aches so badly that it's just going to stop. So I guess not all "positives" are a good thing.

Earlier tonight I signed on and decided to go back and look at the things that I've posted since I joined this group. I shed some tears because reading through brought up some painful memories....but one thing that stood out to me was that many of my posts managed to have some type of positive in them. Early on I had read somewhere that the death of a loved one changes you and that you are never the same.....and that really upset me. I was already reeling from losing my husband, I wanted to believe that somehow I would make it back to being me and I was devastated to read that I would never be the same. I kind of liked the me I was before Jeff died!! Even the day we found out he had stage 4 cancer, I vowed that I would be as positive as I could be for him (and for me!) because if my days with him were going to be numbered I didn't want to look back and see that we didn't enjoy every second we could. So today I guess I am grateful for the fact that even though every day brings new challenges, even though I still have this huge hole in my heart that will never be filled and even though the tears can come on without warning......I have come such a long way. And, somehow I think I've managed to hold onto who I really am in the process. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Dave, I oftened wondered how time could be so unreliable...one second it felt like Jeff had passed away a lifetime ago, then the next second it seemed like just yesterday he was holding my hand and telling me he was going to grow old with me. I think the anger is the hardest for me to deal with. Personally I think my anger comes from feeling such a loss of control. I couldn't make the cancer go away, I couldn't bring him back when he went into cardiac arrest.....and in the beginning I couldn't even control my own emotions. I have found that not fighting things when they come up has helped. When I feel a good cry coming on I find a quiet spot and just let it happen. The anger was harder to deal with, but as stupid as it may sound, sometimes just screaming into a pillow helped. I also have some wonderful friends that I could pour out all my emotions to....but this I would use as a last resort because I never wanted to take my anger out on them. Normal? I don't know if anyone can really judge what "normal" is - but I can tell you that I, and a lot of others here......have felt or are still feeling exactly the way you are feeling now. Be patient with yourself. Cut yourself some slack on your bad days and if a moment of happiness comes along, enjoy every second of it. Hugs, Tammy