mfh

In the midst of our grief, we need to laugh once in a while...when we can. https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=630389880346113&fref=nf

Anne, lovely quote and right on. It is all ab out balance. I found this one today by Campbell (a hero) about a myth. I suspect many here will relate to this quote because we were blessed to find that person. Joseph Campbell "Aristophanes says that in the beginning there were creatures composed of what are now two human beings. And these were of three sorts: male/female, male/male, female/female. The gods then split them all in two. But after they had been split apart, all they could think of to do was to embrace each other again to reconstitute the original units. So we all now spend our lives trying to find and re-embrace our other halves." Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth (with Bill Moyers)

Dear Mary, I agree with Kay. As long as the setting is clean and neat, the age of the building etc is irrelevant. When I thought I might need a nursing home for Bill (I never did as he died at home) I visited 14 settings within an hour of home. The best two surprised me. One was brand new with all the bells and whistles. The other was very very old. Both were run by the county...and I learned they were the best (service, staff, food, PT and more) because the State of WI uses them to train CNAs and other licensed folks. You might find out about that in your state if your sister is moved. I am so so sorry this is happening. I hope better and more aggressive PT and care can be arranged soon. I know how exhausting all this is also. Take care of you.

Totally agree. If I did not and do not distract myself as needed, I know that would have been and would be a very poor choice. We can not grieve 24/7 and as Marty said, grief will be there waiting for you. In the early days I found that I was more easily distracted by leaving the house...lunch with a friend, wandering the mall, etc.

Thanks to Joanne Cacciatore for her wisdom....

Oh, Mary, I am so sorry about what is happening with your sister. How I wish that surgeon would see her today and order her back to where she was. I know you wish that also. So difficult for her and for you and your family to watch her go through all this. Know that I carry you all in my heart and pray for some good news even this week. Please take care of yourself. You have had a lot to deal with in the past several weeks. BTW You know you can vent as long and as often as you want here. We are listening and loving.

Sounds like a great project for you. Acceptance takes time. Be patient with yourself. No judgments....be kind to you.

Megan Devine posted this video from 2012... today. I watched it many times in 2012 when Joe Biden spoke these words. I watched because I finally heard someone tell me that what I felt was what others felt. I watched it today with tears in my eyes because today 4 + years after Bill died, these words and his raw honestly touches me deeply and gets me in touch with the pain I felt then...raw pain...and the pain I carry today. And he is right...it gets better...never goes away but gets better. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwZ6UfXm410#t=119

I wonder if a Bailey oriented project might help a tiny bit...like creating a scrap book of pictures, your writings about and to her, perhaps information about her breed etc. Scrap books stores are loaded with wonderful formatting equipment and it might be a nice tribute if you have not already done something like that. Just a thought.

Wow, Anne, this is powerful and so accurate. Thank you for posting this. I went into Home Depot Saturday to buy a kitchen sink and faucet and when the saleswoman and I got to the computer to look at on line choices, tears filled my eyes as I did this without Bill. Bill and I did a lot of building and renovating and spent many hours picking out things like kitchen sinks. For those new to your grief here, even now after 4 years, every once in a while those tears fall (at home and in public) at unexpected times. I actually do not mind that...as it is just a sign of our love and our life together. The sales girl, in her own pain I learned, was most gracious when she saw my tears.

Butch, I am so sorry to hear this news about your need for surgery. Please take thing slowly once you become more mobile and know that we care about you and Mary. Thank you for the update on Baby Jackson. He and his parents are in my prayers....i do not know how parents come to terms with this kind of tragedy....and I know they do but so difficult. Peace and healing, Mary

fae and Kay have covered this topic very well, Rita. There are many pieces to the grieving process. First, there is the person who comes to grief. We come with our own histories, habits, behaviors and in some rare instances mental health issues. All of that has an effect on how we grieve, of course. Then there is our motivation to deal with our grief in a healthy way i.e. reading, journal, taking care of ourselves, exercise, being social, getting support and more. Those affect our grief process. There is the person who postpones grief or does not grieve at all. And there is also how the person we love died. A murder, a tragic accident, a missing person, and other complicated situations affect our grief process. And sometimes one or more of these and other factors can lead a person to deal with their grief in an unhealthy way. Frankly in the 40 years I have dealt with grieving people I have never seen a pattern of grief develop but of course, I am working with people who seek out assistance and work hard to heal. If on the other hand, we walk into our pain, feel our pain but also counterbalance that with good self care, sharing with understanding people and perhaps counseling or group counseling I think the chances of someone grieving chronically are slim to none. If anything I believe people do not allow themselves to grief enough because our society squelches that with its fear and ignorance of grief. If someone is involved with others especially with a well trained bereavement counselor and actively working on her grief process, I can not imagine this happening. There is always the exception of course. We are in charge of any pattern of behavior that we might start and we can change that at any time. I just have not bumped into that in a basically healthy person. If a person comes into grief with serious mental health issues already and has no support in the process, a person can sink into depression but again that is a situation of complicated grief and not normal grief. The problem in our culture is that people fear grief and are ignorant of it so when they see someone grieving or having a moment or day of sadness a few years after a huge loss....they tend to see that as abnormal. It is not abnormal. It is normal grief. I can guarantee you that 4+ year after losing my husband Bill, I have bad days and 20 years from now I will still have tears over Bill on occasion. That is all normal. Are you concerned about this for yourself? If so, I urge you to sit with a well trained bereavement counselor. Check with a local Hospice to find one. Not a therapist who has no training or experience in grief counseling. Process this concern with that person. It sounds like you are fearing your sadness and because we are not educated to know what normal grief is, we see this pain sometimes as something that is not normal. I will do a bit of research tomorrow to find you some articles that discuss this in greater depth. Re-read fae and Kay's responses and please know that people do not want a pattern of chronic grief to develop and as I said, I have not seen it happen...ever...even in the most painful of situations I have been graced to be a part of. Peace to you, Rita.

No need to move anything...just follow your heart.

Yes, it is so simple for others who have no clue about anything to tell people what they "should" or "ought" to do and those folks are the very ones who would rebel if someone did that to them. Amen.

I totally agree with you, Marty!! It might be good if we would drop the words "should" and "ought" from the English language.

Did they explain why a two week wait. Waiting is so challenging...I hope the results comes back sooner and are negative. Prayers and thoughts for you, Kay.

fae, you speak truth and compassion like no other...perhaps in part because you really walk and walked into your pain...

My friend, Elaine, speaks for so many of us including myself. A brief reminder to love ourselves through our pain and into our pain. http://elainemansfield.com/2013/befriending-myself-rescued-by-pema-chodron/ and here

On Being: An Icelandic Hymn Transports Us All (NPR) Scroll down a bit for the English translation. http://onbeing.org/blog/an-icelandic-hymn-transports-us-all-video/6746?utm_source=On+Being+Newsletter&utm_campaign=40c7b83b43-20140913_Imani_Perry_Newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_1c66543c2f-40c7b83b43-67545345

Tom Zuba says:

I agree with Marty. And if it is any consolation, when Bentley does die which I hope is a couple of years off yet...I plan in what will be my mid to late 70s to get a puppy. I do not think 60 is at all old. In fact as I think about it, I was 63 when we brought Bentley home and he was 8 weeks old. then. Bill was actually 72. You go for it. Get that little girl and don't give it another thought. As Marty said, "follow your heart".

It is so difficult to lose our pets. I do not think 12 days is a long time at all. You lost a friend who adored you. Each dog, like each person in our lives, is a different relationship...I know I will miss Bentley more than I missed Buffy when he died in 2000. I am closer to Bentley in many ways and Bill is now gone so it is a different situation. And bringing that urn home has to be difficult....I am so sorry.

....another contributing piece to your sadness today. Dogs are so smart...they amaze me. I am so sorry about Faith. Very sorry.

Oh, Mary, you have been through so much lately...losing Faith, your sister's illness with all the unknowns and traveling and now traveling more, and then the awful fall....it is no wonder you are feeling blue and lethargic. Chili and a book sounds perfect. I hope you ask (tell?) the surgeon to get her moved to a better facility with the PT she needs now before that window starts to close. Your plate is pretty full right now...I wish you some peace today....you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Dear Maria I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother and the painful experiences you have had related to her alcoholism. The feelings of helplessness in those who love someone who is an alcoholic are frustrating and yes...anger provoking. When that person dies, a good part of their grief is about what never was.... As you go through her things, I hope you find some memories that are soothing. We are here for you as you walk through this pain and loss.