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Confusion and shock and trying to get our heads around loss are very common. When do you have to let the breeder know that you want or do not want her pup? My guess is that sooner or later, like all of us who love our pets, you will get another Border Terrier....and it is possible that because your love for Bailey is so deep, you may feel guilty or confused even a year or two years or more from now. You may have to just go to your head and make a decision and then try not to second guess your decision. Why not set a deadline for yourself regarding whether or not you are going to take this little boy. then make a decision by that time and then let go of the back and forth. It is about timing as opposed to whether you will get a dog or not. Will you feel any differently if you wait? No one knows. It is early for you to get your head around the reality. No one can answer this question for you. But second guessing yourself over and over is not helping you. I wish I had an answer for you.

10 Things about the first year of grief...and more....keeping in mind it is different for everyone over all. http://ezinearticles.com/?10-Things-About-the-First-Year-of-Grief&id=8675120

Hopefully he will have options for your daughter and also know the risks in both directions. Your photo is lovely....

You are totally welcome here as you deal with loss and with the family drama. Remember that you do not have to attend that wedding as much as you wish to be there for them. It is your decision. And if it feels like more than y ou can deal with, there is nothing wrong with sending a gift and a note to the bride and groom. No one else is taking care of you. It is up to you...

Uma Girish 6 Things that Helped Me When I was Grieving Healing from grief doesn't come with a generic prescription. It's not 2 Advil for pain relief. We each have to find our own route toward healing. I'd like to share what helped me through those raw weeks and months of intense grief. Crying. Tears have always been healing for me. When I lost my mother, I cried gallons of tears. Each time, my soul was rinsed clean and I felt lighter. The weight of grief lessened. Movement. I didn't care about calories or miles. Walking at my own pace always felt good. My sore, achy muscles limbered up. My eyes landed on a flower or a painted sky--and my heart lifted for a brief moment. Reading. Inspirational literature whetted my appetite. Words were the perfect balm for my wounds. I found solace in the meaning behind pain, grief and loss. Books became my best friends at a time when no one else could. Sleeping. Grief used up so much energy. I'd fall asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow. For those precious hours, I could lay my burdens down. Refueling helped me find the energy to move through another day. Support. Finding a support group felt like finding my tribe after wandering through a scary forest, alone and bewildered. I felt held and nurtured. The women in my group listened to my stories. They gave me hugs. They helped me piece together my broken heart. Service. Nothing helped me heal faster than serving a group of seniors in a retirement community. In sharing stories of loss and grief, in acts of kindness and compassion, my perspective of loss shifted. I felt connected to humanity and was making a difference. Most importantly, it made me realize that's why we're here. My list of 6 may not be yours. We all grieve and heal differently. I encourage you to make a list of your own. In recognizing what helps, you'll have a chance to bring more of that into your life. And if you want to read the story of how I moved from grief to gratitude, check out my memoir "Losing Amma, Finding Home" on Amazon or my website.

Dear Harry, I see nothing in your post that is inappropriate. I am sure you speak for many of us here in terms of the absence of sexual intimacy in the face of disease and then in the face of loss. I hope it helped you to speak to the subject and do feel free to share as you wish. It is a subject that is not approached easily and not much is written on the subject either from what I see. I certainly miss the sexual intimacy that Bill and I once shared...the expression of our love and sometimes just fun. I am sure others will speak to your post in time. Peace, Mary

I am so very sorry about the loss of your husband and all you both went through for all those months. I do know people who are still struggling with Agent Orange effects. I am glad you have been in grief counseling and will continue. I have not had the experience of meeting a first grandchild which of course is a celebration of joy and now mixed with the grief of your Jim not ever seeing her. I can only imagine that you and your step daughter will will experiencing mixed feelings and perhaps it is something you can share. I believe having been through the loss of my own husband 4 years ago that we tend to rise to the occasion in situations like this. That does not mean there will be no tears. Tears are healthy and to be expected. But if you are afraid that you will lose total control, which I doubt, take the visit in small doses i.e. get away by yourself every once in a while so you can regain your strength. Also focusing on the baby, which everyone will be doing, will be helpful. Crying is a sign of courage and in this instance the love you shared with Jim. And it is expected in a situation like this. Perhaps reaching out to his daughter will be helpful. Reaching out tends to get us out of our own pain for a while. Not that there is anything wrong with tears and pain...but I do understand that you do not wish to spend your visit crying either. Sharing your pain up front will probably relieve any tension that could build up. Just put it out there....sharing that this is all bittersweet and I can only imagine others will agree. Hopefully there are others here who are grandmothers who have more advice for you. I hope to see you here again.

Almost like High Tea. So lovely, Mary. Please keep us in the loop about your daughter's test. It just keeps on, doesn't it. Let's visualize your sister and daughter in good health.

QMary, This is such good news...so many good changes. Yes, I pray the surgeon keeps her on acute rehab...There is huge hope for her...so many things have changed. Always in my prayers and thoughts, Mary

Lovely and helpful post, Anne, especially for those in the early days of loss....they can see someone 28 months later keeping in mind each one's journey is unique. You have come a long way, worked so very hard, and I agree...the journey never ends but changes a lot with work and time. I am so glad the good memories feed you and comfort you. Mine do also on many many days. Peace, Mary

Marcia, I have only been blessed to have two dogs in my life-both male Goldens. My next dog will also be a male and I find myself hesitating to get a female. You have always have females and hesitate to get a male. Marty the same i.e. hesitating back when to get that first male dog. I think it has to do with what we know and have experience with and also how we relate to the pup. I have friends with dogs of both sexes and they are all content with their dogs no matter the sex. The bonding you do with your new furbaby is probably the most important piece. I am listening to Following Aticus (Aticus M. Finch named from To Kill a Mockingbird- is a male Schnauzer) and it is all about the bond between he and his "owner" Tom Ryan. http://www.amazon.com/Following-Atticus-Forty-eight-Extraordinary-Friendship/dp/0061997110 Bentley, my current furbaby, who will be 11 years old next week is only now lifting his leg once in a while to pee. He has, for reasons unknown, never done that. He rarely pees on every smell as we walk...though he does smell everything his nose picks up. He is gentle and loving and cuddly and weighs in at 77 pounds. He is slowing down some now with his age and his lymphoma slowing him down but he still plays like a puppy on many evenings. I think you might consider just letting go of male/female so that you do not have expectations that you turn into reality just because you expect them. Just think of your new furbaby as well.........your furbaby. Forget male and female and fall in love with your dog. I attached some photos of our male dog, Bentley, so you can see how loving and cuddly a male dog is. With Bill at about age 3 A few weeks old Age 10 curled up for a nap

Trip am so very sorry, Harry.

Marcia, I am so glad you found a little boy and that you can let go of worrying about Bailey's feelings. They are not truly his...they are your feelings of guilt or just wondering if you are doing the right thing. I think those we love who have died have only a desire to see us be peaceful so enjoy getting ready for this new little furbaby as you also grieve.

Yes, Anne, it is difficult for us to grasp that invisible world where our loves reside. As you well know, some belief, faith, trust helps a lot. We all want our loves to be visible and felt.... Bentley's needs for exercise motivate me to walk with him twice a day. And I have a timer on my computer so I remember to stand, stretch, blink, and leave the monitor behind for some meditation. A life time task of course.

I AM NOT GONE I am not gone While you cry with me I am not gone While you smile with me I am not gone While you remember with me I will come When you call my name I will come When I feel your pain I will come On your final day It could never be That we Would never be We shall always Be together Forever I am not gone Michael Ashby Poems

So so true. Our brains are thought factories producing 50,000 to 75,000 or more thoughts a day. Reining in our minds takes years of practice but worth the effort. Thanks, Anne.

Posted on Facebook today: Begin with Yes's photo. A good time of year for sunlit forest paths and the hope we need to move forward--one step at a time. Thanks to Begin with Yes. Begin with Yes If you don't feel a lot of hope, take a deep breath and a small step towards a goal and or solving a problem or challenge. When you do, you will access your hidden power and you'll begin to feel a bit more optimistic. The more steps, the more power, the more power the easier the steps get. Soon you'll be feeling more hopeful and being stuck will be a distant memory.

fae, always good to see you here....odysseys can be very healing for us. Look forward to seeing you when you post next.

Glad you got out to hear some music and relax, Harry. As for your two posts you are working on, you know we are here to listen and support whatever it is you feel you wish to share. Peace to your heart, Mary

Lovely Irish Blessing....

Came across this tonight and thought of you. http://www.vetstreet.com/dr-marty-becker/5-strategies-for-surviving-the-loss-of-a-pet?WT.mc_id=mbfacebook

Kay, I remember your work situation. He is pretty brazen to request anything from you when he owes you money for over a year. Smart to avoid him...except perhaps in small claims court!

QMary How wonderful to celebrate your daughter's birthday at a tea party. And a celebration it is especially as you describe her birth following the loss of your son. She is lucky to have a mom like you and I know you feel lucky to be her mom.

I am. Very sorry for the loss of your father and the complicated but common feelings surrounding his death. It is very common that we look back and see what we "could have" done or wish we had done. I seldom see anyone who has not had those feelings. Perhaps putting your feelings in writing in a letter to your father will help you to air them and lead to your letting go of the regrets. It all takes time and work. In the meantime, I suggest you focus on your own grief and perhaps read other posts on this site to see how others deal with loss. We all need to learn more about grief. Again I am so sorry. Please return and allow us to listen to you and support you.