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This is an article (on Grief affecting your heart) that should be taken seriously by all of us here. Many here know from experience the truth of this piece and I can not emphasize enough the need those in grief have to take care of themselves so their bodies can heal as they also grieve. Don't push yourself, eat well, get outside each day, take a walk if you can and add some meditation to your day (see the topic Meditation for a list of resources). After taking care of my husband for five years believe me I became quite aware of the toll that caregiving, loss, and grief takes on our bodies. Do take care of yourselves and read this piece posted by Marty.

Dear fae, I thank you for your kind words. I am humbled by them. Your own wisdom, insights and compassion are gifts to all of us around this fire. We are blessed by your presence as we are by all here. Thank you. Mary

Harry, I so understand remembering all those details. They are imprinted in your heart (and in all of our hearts) forever...the difficult days and moments and the joyful days and moments. Thinking of you today, Mary

Oh Mary, I am so sorry about what is going on with Lois and as a result with all of your family. It is so frustrating to have medicine folks who do not do their jobs yet dramatically affect the lives of those we love. Believe me I know about that. Please do keep us in the loop and don't forget to take care of yourself during these trying and worrisome days. You have to be very frightened and worried and that is all exhausting for everyone. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers as you deal with yet another hurdle. Peace and hope Mary

http://www.nicabm.com/treatingtrauma2014/a2-info/?del=10.10.14Trauma14salesemail3toPLClist This is a link to a new series on trauma hosted by the National Institute for the Clinical Application for Behavioral Medicine with Ruth Buczynski as the moderator. These series are outstanding. They are free to watch on the day presented or you can pay for them and have them to watch anytime along with additional materials and even CEUs for those who want credit for them. It starts on October 15 and runs each Wednesday at 5 and at 6:30pm EST. The latest breakthroughs on trauma will be presented along with much more information.

Fae, I am so glad your kiln arrived. Enjoy! I do understand it taking so long for memories of the happy, intimate, joyful, fulfilling times to become available following a loss. It took me forever also before I could see the joys that we shared, the fun, intimacy and more. Slowly they crept back in and now I carry both...the sadness and the joy, the love and the grief. At first I thought I would never remember the whole of our love but trauma has a way of masking so much. I am so glad the veil is lifting. Peace to your heart, Mary

Dear Joanne, I can hardly add anything to Anne's great response. I do not think I know anyone who has lost a beloved person and not felt guilt about something, including me. We love so much and wanted to be perfect daughters, sons, caregivers, whatever. You called your dad 2-3 times a week. You live almost 200 miles away so that is not a trip we take too often. Sure you wish you had gone perhaps two or three times a year but as I said, we all wish we had done something differently. Not to diminsh your sadness by any means but see if you can focus on all those phone calls you made and how those calls lifted his spirits...that is like 100-150 calls a year...so you did visit that many times....just not by physically driving. As I said guilt is almost a universal with loss and I think you process it by focusing on your love for him and all those calls coupled with your annual visit. I just know he is smiling about that and would not want you to beat yourself up with guilt that has no foundation. Talk to him, write him a letter of apology and wishes (those helped me) and then write as if it is him writing to you....see if that helps lift some of the guilt. In the meantime, do read those pieces that Anne posted and come back here and see how others have handled guilt. We are all experienced with it, believe me. Peace to your heart, Mary

Anne, I would say you are an author and that you are a role model to those new to grief and to those not so new to grief.

Kay, I am so sorry your birthday week was so tough. I am glad for you that the week is behind you and do hope today and the rest of the week is more peaceful and healing.

Those memories are treasure, Jan. They keep us going. I remember one night, very late as in 3am Bill and I drove out I to the country to see a meteor shower and the police came with spotlights which totally destroyed the darkness we were seeking so we could see the shower. The cop ended up directing us to a better spot so we could see them from the top of a country hill.

I write to Bill on occasion sharing my pain and fears, my good news and tough news....memories and plans. I talk to him when I miss him or feel sad or wa t to share a good thing that happens and well....even when I need a good parking place. ?

Yes, fae, they really do hurt...almost like early days...perhaps the only difference is that we know it will pass and that we can handle it but the pain is raw and real. Glad you are watching something fun tonight. I just got home from salad night (a bunch of women all bring salad stuff and we throw it in a big bowl and have a salad and whatever else is there. We all laughed hard tonight as we also talked about the condition of the world. Bittersweet...like life.

Kay, I am with you. I like winter but by late April, I am ready for warm.

Jan, I was actually up last night watching the blood eclipse. The sky was awesome. Here is a shot of it taken from Australia

Dear Moonrise, I am glad you saw a counselor for a while. Work situations can be challenging when it comes to grief. Most companies do not acknowledge how far reaching grief is and that it certainly goes to work with us. It is possible for those who grieve to hold themselves together most of the time at work if they are allowing themselves to feel their sadness and pain and share it with someone at other times during the day and evening. You said you sucked it all up and stopped feeling and that you are fine for the most part and that you feel "emotionally constipated". Those feelings speak of some confusion about your feelings and I wonder if you are open to reading some articles on grief that may help you understand what is happening. This article ( http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html ) AND the links to more at the bottom of the page might help you to better understand the grief process and may also help your mother. Losing a child is one of the toughest losses a parent can experience. I sense you might be concerned about your mom, not sure. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/06/mother-struggles-to-accept-death-of-her.html Here is another link and more at the bottom of that page.

Oh, fae, I so understand your words and feelings. I think what we learn as we do our grief journey is that those days will come and with them all the feelings, the missing our beloved, the pain and that better days will also come...that the feelings pass and retire to the back of our hearts where they live. Yes, feel them and love yourself today.

Dear Moonrise, I am sorry you have been through so much and that your young brother was so sick and then died. It sounds like there has been a great deal of family turmoil that has, in part, been focused on you. Having family members get angry during those difficult times certainly has not made it easier for you to grieve. We all grieve differently. And we all deal with loss differently and it sounds like your family has had a difficult time with the way you grieve. This is common and only makes the journey more challenging. You say you have been to the cemetery a dozen times, stopping to cry and then wander about there for a "few hours". That tells me there are many feelings you have about your brother and his death including caring deeply. It seems that perhaps the problem exists in family relationships and you choose to grieve alone at the cemetery. You have chosen a safe place here to share all those feelings. No one here will criticize you. Because you are doing this journey through loss and grief alone, you might consider talking to a grief counselor-where you can be you and share your pain. You can also do that here You write that you feel guilty that you "don't care" about your brother's death anniversary but will attend because you feel forced to go. Everyone handles grief differently as I said and that does not mean there is something wrong with you. It does seem that it might help to discuss your family differences here and working through your pain with a grief counselor could lead to some resolution of some of these feelings. Family tension is not uncommon at times of loss and losing a child and sibling, as your family has done, is difficult for everyone and anger is a common reaction when everyone feels so vulnerable. I do hope you come back here where you can find some comfort and support. This is a safe place for those feelings.

I am so sorry to learn of your loss. Losing a parent is so difficult. You asked about "talking to them". My dear husband died 4+ years ago and I talk to him every day. I find it comforting because I do believe he is with me in whatever way that is possible. None of us walking the earth know for certain the pieces of the mystery of life after life. I choose to believe he is with me and literally have no doubts about that. Another thing that might help you as it has helped me and many others is to write to your dad, share what is going on inside of you and in your life. I find that comforting especially on special days. I also suggest you consider writing what his response might be to your letters. Again more comfort. You are not alone...many here have lost a parent among other beloveds. As you read posts and return to post, you will find comfort and support and caring people.

Well, Queen Mary, you and fae and I may be the only people who like winter. That first snowfall is beautiful and filled with memories of walking in many of those first beauties. I see winter as an interior time...and a break from all the doing and going.

Hi Donna, How I wish I had a magic wand for you but the only way through grief is through it....with its ups and downs, decent days, bands days and once in a while early on a good day. Anne is so right. The fog lifts around now and we start to realize the loss with its pieces and secondary losses. I really urge you to do some reading to educate yourself about spousal loss. Like Anne I had to learn more about grief in spite of walking through it with many clients over the years and in spite of my own losses. There is nothing like spousal loss because we live with this person, have dreams, sometimes children and interact every day. Losing a child is so hard also. But in realty all losses of those significant people in our lives are so difficult. Please do think about going to the Tools forum and reading some or many of the articles there. It is still one day at a time but truly the lows get further apart and it gets easier. Perhaps read some of the posts written by those who are further out from their losses. I am so sorry you hurt so much. We are here for you. We know the hurt. We live it.

Enjoy your celebration and may the year ahead be one of health and peace. Mary

Dear Mrs. Costigan, I am so sorry about your loss. Such a huge shock. I am glad you found your way here where you will find loving support and understanding. You have been given very good advice here by those who know loss only too well. To have this happen when you are so young is extremely difficult as your hopes and dreams were just beginning to take shape. I am so sorry. You said you do not know why you are here. I believe in time you will see that you will be supported, heard and cared about by people who know what it is like to lose a spouse. We are of all ages. Please do return and if you like, sometime, tell us about your husband.

Karen, My husband died 4 years ago and many of his things are here including his jacket hanging on the back of the bedroom door and other things he used on a daily basis. We eventually come to terms with our beloved's possessions but many keep some of them around because having them around us is comforting. It is normal for your mom to think your dad is there physically.They have been together for many years. I still forget momentarily once in a great while and think Bill will be there when I get home....and then I remember. Your mom (and you) may do this too. It is lovely that your mom has you so close and your sister also. One day at a time. Your dad sounds like a wonderful person.

I do not know about the autopsy record. I imagine that varies from state to state or even site to site. I imagine you will have to request it.