mfh

Well, today again...I was having a very difficult time and the door bell rang. A friend was there who had just lost her grandchild and we sat and talked and wept together. It felt like she was sent to me and I to her. Grateful...again. mfh

I joined a spousal loss support group after Bill died last summer and it was quite helpful...everyone in the same boat so they get it and the leader experienced with loss. It was sort of like putting a face on everyone here who is on line...sitting together in the same room. I think you will be glad you went.

I agree about the "see you later". I also agree about the wet laundry.

Dear Nicholas, I'm with Carol Ann on this. It sounds like you are doing quite well. Looking at pictures, crying, etc is not wallowing...it is dealing with your loss. Remember doctors frequently like to fix things...see results...feel successful. As far as I am concerned he has probably never suffered a loss like you have, should not have said that, and perhaps needed to listen and reach out more...if he could. YOu get out daily, you are working, you are in touch with people....keep on keeping on.

Difficult to find something tonight....I could list a lot of negatives but of course...I do not wish to do that here. Soooo I will say that I had my book club here tonight including the author of the book we all read. One woman came to me quietly at our break and said ever so softly...that she knew I was in a lot of pain, wanted to reach out to me and that she knows what it is like to weep. A real gift to me. I am grateful for her sensitivity. We were interrupted so I emailed her when they were all gone reaching back to her to have coffee and share. I never expected that particular person to be so sensitive....lovely gift.

Hi Carol Ann I am not sure how I missed your post either but I do wish you a belated happy birthday and get well message. Congratulations on doing the work, walking the path, going deeper....you are an example to all of us here. Peace, Mary (mfh)

Tornadoes have passed...moved up and out over the lake. We get these all spring and summer. One summer 18 touched down within a very little area. We almost ignore them but when the town whistle blows we tend to get serious. Tonight the whistle blew. But it is quiet now and all is ok. Grateful.

Dear Sad I truly hope you will pour all the alcohol down the toilet. It is a depressant and only makes you more depressed. We all care about you and will support you but you also need to take some actions....please keep posting and please get rid of the alcohol. It is not helping. We all care.

Tornado risk is over for all....grateful. Perkins808....have fun naming the shed...Jeffland? Jeff's Place? Enjoy.

Thankful the tornado is going a few miles north of me...about 10... but worried about those up north. Hopefully it won't touch down anywhere....hail the size of big balls...north also. Grateful.

I guess I have said good-bye a few times because each time I knew I did not mean it. I guess I will never say good-bye....because I know he is here with me. But it IS good -bye to so much of what we had....that i still have to deal with. I am sitting under a tornado warning right now...typical spring in Wisconsin. It is going just north of us....by not too far. Sitting in the basement.

You said so well and so beautifully...all that I feel as I too approach the 14 month mark this week. What I used to enjoy and find fulfillment in is now empty. Music, instead of lifting my spirits, brings forth tears. A lovely day in May (as today is) makes me feel the loneliness of his absence hoping the day will end soon at only 9am and that i figure out distractions on and off to help pass the time. Thank you for putting into words what I feel. Some how we will deal with our losses...somehow we do it a day at a time.

I, too, am relieved to see your post. This road we have all been called to walk is the toughest and most painful thing we have ever experienced. I agree with Tammy...I doubt there is a person here who has not wanted to be with the person we lost because life is so empty without them. I know I have. Today I sat with a friend who is going through a huge loss-not a death but a huge loss for her. I realized how much my loss this past year helped me to help her because I was able to put myself in her shoes a bit. A year ago (which would have been just a few weeks after losing my husband) I would not have even cared that she was in pain....all I cared about was my own pain and I knew then that I would never feel otherwise...but I do and so will you. The pain will be there...for me...I know I will hurt forever and that I have to somehow embrace that hurt because it is a part of me now....we all have found that to be true and you can too. We are ALL here for you and we want to hear from you, support you, share with you. I also know that working with a grief counselor and a support group is extremely helpful...face to face stuff....we all urge you to do that....find a local Hospice center and talk to someone there. I will look for your post every day when I log on.

I agree Melina, that "other woman" in your dream seems like a symbol for death. I was up with dreams the last two nights...woke up sobbing....not exactly nightmares but dreams of Bill and losing him and waking to realize the dreams were true. I guess it does not matter what we call them or when they occur...memories, flashbacks, nightmares, daymares-they all make the road tougher to trod.

Kenman1 I took care of my husband for 4 years and know how difficult it is when it all comes to an end. It is still shocking when that last breath is taken...I too held my husband at home as he died and the shock is huge. It has been 14 months this coming week and the shock is lifting and it is all becoming real. we all go through this differently but this group will hang in with you as you face this pain and loss. My husband was also one of those who ONLY thought of me to the end. I am relieved he no longer suffers but the hole left is gigantic. We are all here for you. mfh

Hi Anne I am so sorry for your loss. I think when we are grieving, all the losses that follow the one we grieve are also so painful because we are so vulnerable. Also you can not share this loss with your husband. I am so sorry. Pain on top of pain.

Well, I am having trouble being positive today but I did just drive home from Chicago where I got a good vision report; did not get extremely heavy rain en route; and had a visit with my brother who did listen pretty well. My friend with breast cancer does not have to do chemo or radiation. So I am focusing on all those things that are all good.

I love these ideas...both the gratitude and the elevating/inspiring ideas. I will do both of them each day. I am used to the gratitude as Bill and I did that every night...but I quit for long time after he died and am just recently returning to the habit we had. I love this as the need to focus on the positive is needed and does not mean we are no longer sad but just focused on two arenas. My elevation entry today is that I saved one of the three robins that got knocked out of their nest during the night. Two were killed probably by a crow but I was able to replace the nest and the mom and dad are back nurturing the survivor...may be a metaphor in there also. The survivor is doing fine...

Ditto

Tammy Bill and I had a habit of expressing what was good about the day (what we were grateful for) every night...I still try to do that. Does not remove the tears, sadness, etc. but reminds me that there is still good stuff in life. Good luck with your resolve. It helps. Mary

Melina, I am two months into year two. It started out to be pretty tough...the fog is gone, though I still feel shocked that this has happened, it is not quite as shocking as it was. When the pain has lifted, the reality has hit...he is gone for ever and I am alone forever. In addition I am thinking more now of MY life, what to do with it...how to find even an ounce of joy. I also agree with your description...for sure...the marathon, the exhaustion, more holidays, more life without my Bill. Nothing is at clear for me. I sort of feel like a pan of popcorn that someone has taken the lid off just as it is popping...pieces all over the place. It is just hard in a different way...but just as hard as year one for me. I do find that I can get a bit interested in things. I am working with a geek to re design my website and that feels intersting, (not joyful...a bit fun). I do not know, for me...I am just all over the place. This week too busy, next week not busy enough...trying to find the middle, trying to find a reason to be that has an ounce of fulfillment. Things that I found fulfilling (like my publication) when Bill was alive are now empty. I am very confused. I know that might not help you but it is where I am as I dive into year two. I do know I will survive...the question: will I thrive.

Nirac, I am 14 months out and it is different...not easier. I still cry daily...most days several times. I think the second year can be harder than the first and that has been confirmed by grief counselors...we wake up, the fog lifts, reality hits and at the same time that we are now awake and grieving we are also wondering what our own lives will look like and were we are going and so much more. I admire you for taking on two teenagers...you get a medal and I also understand your doing it. Congrats on custody. A day at a time is the rule....sometimes an hour at a time. You are so young to deal with this. I am older, much older, and it hurts as much....your dreams have been disintegrated and creating new ones will take a while..a long while. My heart goes out to you and so does my admiration. None of us signed on to lose the most important person in our lives....and I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in with us. mfh

Hi Brian, I agree with Harry...be patient with yourself. I am 14 months out from Bill's death and the first 6 months or more are a blur. I still feel that paralysis you are facing many days. I do publish a local magazine and it gives me a focus many days. I am wondering about you volunteering to do something for an hour or so a day...that would force you to get out...your local school would probably love for you to listen to little kids read every day....or something like that...walking a neighbor's dog...some commitment that makes you show up. But being patient with yourself and gentle and not hard on yourself is essential. I have a list of things to do that has been sitting there for a year. It goes with the grieving turf...just can't get moving, exhausted. smart has little to do with it...in pain has everything to do with it. We are here for you. mfh

Kay, All of us can only imagine how it feels to lose so much and the possibility of losing your home is so tough. You are in my prayers and thoughts. I hope there is a temp agency near by that can help you stay employed so you do not lose the house. We all know our homes are our places of comfort, especially now. As for afterlife....Steven Hawking, though gifted with a brilliant mind, in my opinion is just a man with an opinion. None of us can understand the mystery of death but 82% of Americans believe in it...that is a lot of people....many have evidence that their loved ones exist after death....and Steven, as so well stated here, has never died to see what happens. Others who have experienced near death experiences have returned and proclaim an afterlife. And reincarnation is included in that, as far as I am concerned...it all says we are spirit being human..not the other way around. I am with them.

Melina, my heart reaches out to your heart. Holidays are tough enough without having one that is loaded with so many feelings, hopes, expectation and dreams. I am so so sorry and I will keep you in my heart tomorrow. I think as I type this it is after midnight there and you will be waking up to this day. We both know I have no words but do know I care about your pain. I can relate to some degree as I anticipate Bill's and my 25th Silver anniversary in June as we had plans to go to Europe...of course he would be well enough...of course death would not enter our lives....I hope you have someone to spend some of the day with, someone who cares and understands would help. I will check the site often tomorrow for your posts. Peace, mfh