mfh

Hi Pink Pony It is a year since my husband died and I barely remember the first six months after his death in spite of knowing it was coming some day. Selling a house, moving, figuring out the new normal, your place in the world, what you want to do and more are all huge decisions that take time....At a year out I am just starting to think about those things and I imagine another year won't make much more difference. It sounds like the practical part of you and more thinks of selling the house, downsizing etc.. Just take your time and don't let anyone pressure you. Do what you want to do when YOU want to do it and when you are ready. I move VERY slowly these days. I used to be very fast...now i am slow....doing what I do as I walk this path. Be patient with life. mfh

Hi Pinkpony, I am so sorry for your loss. I do know how it feels to have thwarted plans and future. We all know that and we know the silence that is deafening, the need to figure out a new normal and the shock that numbs. I don't even remember the two or three months following my husband's death last year. We are all here for you. mfh

Hi Lynne, I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. There are no words that can change it but know that the people who use this forum, including me, have all dealt with the loss of someone we love. You will find this forum to be a compassionate, non-judgmental place, full of people willing to embrace you. My husband died one year ago and though he was 79 we felt robbed of so many year as we had 24 years as a couple. i was 46 when we married after 12 years of knowing each other so well. We are here for you. mfh

All these special days are tough. I just had my 71st last week, the day after the anniversary of Bill's burial....had to think hard about what I wanted to do but friends made the decision with a quiet lunch. I reach out to you on this day of your birth...I am sorry you are not feeling well with meds and rash...does not make it easier for sure. On my birthday, I was alone most of the day (by choice) so I sat and made a list on my laptop of all the happy memories I had of my birthdays with Bill. Kept me in tears but also felt good. Just in case you need an idea. I wish you as much peace as life can offer you right now. MFH

I like this piece from Psych today a LOT. I think she is right on....it is through the suffering and pain that we become more real and who we are. Wish it was not that way but it is. Peace is the goal...for sure. Today, I bumped into a woman in the Post Office. We started chatting...I learned she lost her husband 5 weeks ago..after 3 years of care giving. As we talked and shared our common loss, I then learned that just before she started care giving her husband, she lost two children just 3 months apart. Kids were in their 20s and early 30s. Now that is a plateful to deal with. I offered to have coffee with her as she is really alone. She lit up...all of this gave me pause to think about how strong we all are...and that there is always someone who has suffered a great loss or pain than me. Does not diminish my pain one bit but surely makes me grateful that it is not worse. Thanks for the piece on suffering.

How about a grief counselor? That is what I did as friends sometimes just do not know what to say. Also if you belong to a church...there may be a support group there or nearby. I am sorry you are so alone. mfh

Shelley I get to that point a lot. Talking to the dog does not work. Calling most friends does not do it very well either because the person I need and want to talk to is not here. The loneliness is endless and I know your pain well. I do know that talking to my grief counselor helps some. The spousal loss support group I was in helped. But bottom line....nothing is the same as talking to my love. I do hope you will call someone even if the response comes up short. Beats stuffing the pain down. mfh

Phil, I think we all need to get out of the house and balance staying home with some activity. Volunteer work is good as it distracts and helps but you are just so new to all this that you might consider taking an hour or day at a time. Just ask yourself what you need right now....It is just different for everyone. Bill and I were very very close...we worked together, lived and loved together and even motor homed together for two years...so a part of me has died with him. Take it slow...don't make long term plans right now...just get through the days at YOUR pace but do think about getting out a few times a week to be with people. mfh

I am so very sorry for your loss and for all you both went through previous to that. My Bill died 1 year ago last week. I don't even remember the six months after his death...it is all a blur with only spotted memories. The grief comes in waves....some knocking you off your feet as your back is to the ocean of grief and you can't see the waves coming. Some roll in and past you but all are difficult. You get ambushed by tiny things like finding a piece of jewelry or a coffee mug...and big things also. You have to be patient with yourself, just be wherever you are....if you are weeping...weep. If you happen to have a smile...smile for it will pass into tears soon enough. I won't tell you it gets better because it is different for everyone. I weep daily...at the drop of a pin....I wish you some moments of distraction. MFH

I hear you Melina. The tiniest thing can throw me for a loop...and when it comes to bigger things like insurance...well...over the edge we go. Somehow we will all get through this part of our lives though I frankly see myself hurting for the rest of my life though hopefully not like I am now. Meltdowns are a bit further between etc. I wish you the very best. I wish you had been here too to protest. We are getting in deeper and deeper in this state....but the good news is that the left is finally waking up and we now know that we can not take our democracy for granted. mfh

Melina, I agree with KayC...our democracy is up for grabs. I live outside of Madison, WI...believe me...I KNOW that. I have been one of those protesters you see on TV. Our health care system is not in great shape and coverage might be harder to get here because no one knows where this train is going except most of us think it is headed for the drink. Stay where you are!! Sad to say but true. mfh

http://books.google.com/books?id=hU_L1KUsNfIC&pg=PA404&lpg=PA404&dq=bereavement+in+dsm+IV+V62.82&source=bl&ots=DHDH_bU9lx&sig=RvuBE2pHW6FDyE2jS1eGytB4S2U&hl=en&ei=JvmcTfOYGJC6sQPGhtT5Dg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=10&ved=0CFkQ6AEwCQ#v=onepage&q=bereavement%20in%20dsm%20IV%20V62.82&f=false I send these in case you can have your grief counselor tell the insurance company that this Dx does NOT apply. Hope this helps. mfh

Hi Melina, I am an LCSW and I've been in private practice for many years and I am one year out from my husband's death. I checked the DSM IV and found a link that says what the manual says. As you know this is the bible for insurance companies. Here is the link- http://www.counselingstlouis.net/learn-psych.html As you know, insurance companies go out of their way to find reasons to reject someone...it seems this company is doing that using, perhaps, the fact that bereavement is listed in the DSM IV. Not sure if it is in DSM V as it is not out yet that I know of. Anything to make someone's life a bit harder....sorry but I think insurance companies control way way too much of our lives right now. I could write a book on clients who were refused treatment because the insurance companies did not want to pay...you know the drill. I am sorry this is happening to you. This journey is hard enough. Mary mfh

I agree with you, Harry, when we are drawn away from ourselves too much we tend to lose ground. Yet, it is good to be involved. Always a delicate balance. Yesterday was my birthday and thanks to friends, I made it through the day and had a lovely time with people...and would have traded all the gifts and cards and wishes for 3 seconds with Bill. This week was the first anniversary, anniversary of burial and the next day my birthday and I made it. You will also. Those students are good distractions. Someone said to me that all the firsts are over now and my reply was that every day forever there will be firsts...the first time he is NOT here for some event. Yes, it is the little things that get me. He would have celebrated my day yesterday with all kinds of little rituals that we had developed...cards, breakfast in bed, dinner out just like your day would have been. Somehow we plow through all this and make it to the next day. YOU are doing it well....I wish you some quiet moments as you move on to the tomorrows....soon we will all be reunited with those we love.

Still talking to Bill...one year last Sunday. Congratulations on what you have done today...good for you.

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to leave the home where Bill and I lived. You are right...she is with you no matter where you go...you also have your furniture and your memories. Still hard though. Today, a couple days after the first anniversary, I took a long drive and ended up going past the home Bill and I lived in the first years of our marriage 25 years ago. We had a home on 67 acres of land and knew every inch of it so well as we cut paths through the woods and walked the paths and off path daily for many years. I wept as the memories of those days created a movie in my mind. i am sure you will do that many times as you become acquainted with your new home...grab those memories...hang on to them....they are our joy.

Thank you. I am so sorry you went through that time alone...it is more than a day long..we both know that. I am blessed to have so many brave friends. Today does not feel any less painful...I know that. MFH

First of all, thanks to all for your loving support. You all know what today means or soon will and we do not walk alone. Thank you. I am blessed with many calls today, friends who reached out, went to lunch with me, went to Bill's grave with me and respected my need to call it a day at 3pm and be alone. Exhausted from it all. West, I agree with you...I feel as if I took many steps backwards this month and now have to get up, dust myself off and take baby steps back to where I was. It was a hard month for both of us...today I went to Bill's grave and left some flowers even though I know they will freeze tonight as the temps drop. I also went to lunch with a friend who gets it and then came home and crashed. I planned to take a long drive alone as that is what we did on Sundays but I was too sleepy to drive. The exhaustion of the year, the month and the day took its toll. I bet you felt the same way....I am so sorry for how hard your day was. It is a comfort to know neither of us is alone though we do not know each other. I hope you had some supportive people around you or call you at least. Starting year two feels threatening to me...like Bill's life moves further to the background...more days we will not share. But both of us will get up tomorrow and step by step move through the day...another lonely day, if I may say. May you sleep tonight. Peace, MFH

This month of March has taken me by surprise. I truly did not think the first anniversary (which is today, Sunday, March 27)would be any more difficult than every other day...they are all difficult. I was wrong...not only is the anniversary difficult (I am writing this late Saturday night and will wake up to the 1st anniversary) the entire month has been riddled with increased pain, flashbacks, tears and more tears....It really blindsided me. I have cried daily since Bill died and many day before he died but this month has been incredibly difficult. A friend will go to Bill's grave with me in the morning. He is buried in a country cemetery outside of my rural town. We will then go to breakfast. And then I plan to get in my car and go for a very very long drive through our hills, alone, something we did on many Sundays. I feel like I am back at last March....the loneliness increases....the house seems more silent. Tough time.

Just a thought as I too grieve...one year tomorrow. Why not let the pastor decide if he/she has time to meet with you? I send peace to you. MFH

I reach out to you. What does one say. Going through the loss of a spouse once is one thing...going through it a second time...is beyond. I am glad you are on line here...the folks here all get it. Somehow we make it. You made it once and you WILL make it again...we just do it one step at a time. We are all here for you. MFH

Hi Anne, I lost my husband of 36 years a year ago this coming Sunday. I expect that when it is three years I will feel as sad as I do this week. Our husbands were essential parts of our lives, our selves, our every single day....to be grieving and up and down 3 years later does not feel unrealistic. I just can't imagine that in two more years I will have moved on. I will miss and grieve this loss the rest of my life. I consider myself a pretty healthy person. I am a therapist seeing a grief counselor. I am choosing to walk through my grief in a country that does not allow for that. All we ever hear is "move on" but it takes as much time as it takes to feel more level. I have made up my mind and heart that I will grieve as long as it takes and if someone has a problem with that....it is not my problem. If I am on an emotional roller coaster in two more years...I will not be surprised. Others may be but I will not. I see grief as a sacred sign of our love and I embrace it when the waves comes in. It is life. Bill's death changed me forever. A part of me died with him and though I am involved in life, publishing a magazine, going out with friends...I cry a lot. Be gentle and accepting of your grief...mfh

Thank you for sharing these lovely and loving thoughts with us. They help all of us. mfh

Yes, I also keep hoping I will awaken to find this was a nightmare...not reality. My thoughts go out to you, MFH

Hi Michelle You are in the right place. It is one year this Sunday since my husband of 24 years and friend of 36 years died. I too was not aware that he was dying until just 5 days before he died. You have had your hands full with grieving and raising kids alone. I admire you and am glad you have come to this forum and hope you return often. Do not worry about rambling or saying too much or too little. Here we all understand and none of us judge. As for removing your ring...perhaps you can consider that he does still love you from a new place and only remove those if that is what you really want to do instead of what you think you should do. I will wear mine forever. You may choose to do likewise or not...but let it be your own decision based on desire. You deserve to wear the ring. I hope you return often. Mary