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Sherry, Believe me that is very easy to do. We get into those times where our mind begins to wander and we start thinking about how things could have been different if only we had been there, or if only we had done this or that. I hoe to hear more from you and how you are progressing. Love always Derek

Shhh65, When I lost my wife we were on vacation to Disney World and had just arrived when she died of a heart attack. I too never got to say goodbye. But like you I know that she died while happy and doing something she loved to do and not some long drawn out illness in a hospital somewhere. So to that end whilel I was with her when it happened and today I realize that she was gone instantly and felt no pain, I didn't get to say my goodbye. But I have been on the other side of the coin with her mother's death which took months and watching her slowly deteroite. I think today I would rather not be able to say goodbye than to watch someone suffer. I didn't believe that after Karen first died but today as I look back I am glad she felt no pain. Love always Derek

Wendy, That is why I keep coming back after 27 months, to be able to help someone get through this difficult time. For me, if I can help one person then my wife's death was not in vain. It gave me the experience to be able to help someone else get through this. And this kind of help can't come from someone who hasn't experienced what we on this site have. I am glad that I was able to explain myself in a way that you were able to understand and that you got something out of it. THank you for the compliment. Love always Derek

Fred, You are correct for some he first year was the hardest and for some the second year is. For me I believe the first was the hardest because of all of the annual firsts that happen. However, as time goes on, as my son grows up there will be many more firsts and there will be down days as you have siad. Grief does hit us like waves and we never know when the next one is coming. Enjoy the times when you are not in pain and sadness. Each one of us is on a journey, while we are each on a different path and a different time table we are are connected through this site to help each other through this. Love always Derek

Wendy, I came to accept it from my relationship with God. I also know that unfortunately it happens to a lot of people. We have people here from their 20's to who knows how old who have lost a loved one. Some of us were luckly enough to have known that person for 30 or more years like yourself, so of us like my self only a short time of 11 years. From what I have read in these posts, it seems like it takes longer for those who knew them longer. In our 11 years together we became one as it should be. It took awhile for me to realize who I was again. For you it was 35 years, that is 3 times the amount of time that I had, I would expect it to take longer for you to accept his death. In accepting I basically came to the realization that there is nothing I can do to chage it and this is the way it goes. Now, what can I do about it? I can either sit around in my house and totally consume my thoughts into her not being in my life anymore, all the things we would have done together, the things that we can no longer to do together, etc... or I can choose to see what I can get out of life. What can I do or change? I can't say that accepting is "moving on" I don't think I have totally moved on ( just ask the last women I had a relationship with, she will tell you I haven't moved on...LOL but that is another story) Accept in the dictonary means to accommodate or reconcile oneself to or to regard as true. So in accepting is really saying to your self that this is true, Karen is not coming back, she is gone. I can not change that. But what I can change is how I react to the situation, like I stated earlier. Now this all sounds simple in a way but it is very difficult. I think what a lot of people do is confuse accepting with moving on. By accepting the death is not the same as moving on. THere are still a lot of things in my house that belong to Karen. I am slowly changing some pictures on the wall and such and starting to make the house more mine instead of ours. That will take a lot of time. I am in the middle of refinancing which will put the house solely in my name, another big step for me. I waited for a year and a half before I switched all of the utilities into my name as they were transfer from where she lived before we met and we naver changed them to mine. This stuff was difficult to do. It wasn't until a few months ago that I finally took her message off of the cell phone and put mine on. These are small things but were big steps. And each and every one of them I did in my own time, when I was ready. Wendy the key here is one thing and one thing only "When you are ready" only you know when you are ready to accomplish these things. Each one of us is different. Please don't stop posting here. Yes there are a lot of us that seem to have "gotten it" and been able to start "moving on" (I hate that term but can't think of a better one) however there are also others out there like you that are having a more difficult time with it. Those people need to hear of what you are gong through so that they don't think that they are alone or that what they are going through isn't normal. Each of us has our own time frame. I don't know if this answered your question or helped you let me know if you need a little more explaination. Love always Derek

Kathy, I don't think that Doublejo was saying that we won't be sad for our loss, missing those times when they would have been with us. I believe she is trying to ease the pain by saying rather than looking at the "Life is Unfair" aspect look at the time we did have with our loved one and how much our lifee was enriched by them being in our lives. For me I look at it as I would have enjoyed even just one year of my wife in my life than her not being in my life at all. Granted I had 11 years but I have a son and an extended family in my life that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't met her. I am sure another would have come along but who knows how that would have turned out. To me, I have accepted her death and there is not one thing that I could have done differently that would have changed that. I have given up on the "What if's" and the "Life is unfair" attitudes I had those in the begining but when I stopped giving those attitudes power in my mind, I started to live again. I started to have happiness again in my life. Granted when Carson graduates High School in 9 years there will be some sadness that Karen won't be here physically to enjoy it with me. When he graduates college it will be the same way. His marriage, birth of grandkid, etc... But in the mean while I can either choose to dwell in the unfairness or I can choose to live life and accept that her death happened and that I can enjoy life to the fullness as she got to up untill her death. If it was the other way around and I was the one who died, I would want her to do the same thing as I am sure she wants me to. My point of all this was that Doublejo was saying once we accept the death and forget about blaming what life has thrown our way wether it is fair or unfair, then we can start to heal and lessen the pain. The pain will never go completely away, but it will get easier if we don't dwell on it. I hope I didn't ramble too much, but sometimes the thoughts run around in my mind and I am compelled to get them all out in a way that can hopefully be understood by others. Love always Derek

Thanks Marty That is the one I was refering to. I knew you would come through once again. It was interesting as well to go back and read the post. So much has changed since then and it is interesting to read where I was back then. Love always Derek

Doublejo, I wish I had thought of this. Although you said it a lot better than I could have. I agree with every word of it. I also feel that through the death of Karen I have learned so much. I have become a better person, able to feel more deeply, have more compassion and most important I have a closer relationship with God that I never had before. Thank you for posting this I hope like you it will help to lessen the pain of the loss of a loved one. Love always Derek

There is a book out there that goes over just what you are talking about. I believe I posted the title in one of my earlier posts and Marty will probably find that link and post it here before long. This book was from the writer of "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" only this book deals with loss and what men and women do differently. Some of the book is about divorce as well but there is still reference to death as well. In the book, I remember reading that men will seek out another relationship rather quickly, however they may go from one to the other. I hope this may help you. As to how to approach him I am not sure other than maybe buy the book ahead of time and somehow suggest he read it or give it to him somehow. Love always Derek

Hello everyone, I wanted to tell you about what has been going on with me. I went on vacation with my son and drove to Florida where my dad has a second house and stayed there for a few days. He had to come back to South Carolina so my Step-Mom, Carson and I drove up to Disney World yesterday and spent the day and night there. For those of you who are new here this is where my wife died a little over 2 years ago. I was dreading it a little being that we were going to her favorite park Magic Kingdom. But to see the happiness my son had in finally getting to do what he was unable to do 2 years ago. There were only a few times where we had a little down time when my mind would get to thinking but for the most part it was a great time even though it rained most of the afternoon and evening. I believe it was easier than I thought just due to the fact that we weren't staying at the hotel or riding on the busses where she died. I may try and conquer that hill later. For now I just thought I would share the steps forward that my son and I made. We are back in South Carolina for a few days before we drive back to Texas. I love you all and hope all is well. Love always Derek

Lily, Looking at when you joined, you are still in the first 9 months since you lost your loved one. You are still in the middle of trying to find yourself and who you are. Right now it seems like you are in the middle of a dark fog with no way out. I remember those days very well. I wish I had another answer for you other than time. One is keep coming here and posting I know there are days when you just don't feel like it, well do it anyway. We are here to listen and try to help in anyway possible, and by you posting you will be helping yourself get those thoughts and emotions out on paper where someone who has been there understands and can help you. I too felt for a long time there was no reason for me to go on, however my son had just turned 7 at the time, he is 9 now. He was the only reason I stayed around. As time went on things did change and I started living for myself instaead of just for him. If it helps right now, then keep trudging on for your pets. They need you like my son needed me. As time passes (I know you don't want to know about the time thing) you will find it does get better. Trust me it does just focus on today nd today only, do not try and see what it will be like in the future. These are the things that helped me get to where I am today. Love always Derek

Kathy, I wish I could have responded sooner but I didn't have internet access. I remember all too well the days of wondering "will it get any better than this?" All I can say for myself is that it has gotten better. I have found that I am starting to be happy again in life. It sounds like this is the first anniversary without your husband if that is the case than you are experiencing a set back due to another first. Get as many of the firsts out of the way then things will start to look better. That isn't to say something isn't going to come along because something will. But at least get the annual firsts out of the way and then go from there. Love always Derek

Elizabeth, You are exactly right, holding onto the resentment only harms you, not the other person. While you sit a stew the other person goes on their way living life. If it was a person that died then they died without the knowledge of your resentment and again it only is hurting you. However it is sometimes very difficult to stop the resentment and forgive. Love always Derek

Elizabeth, I don't believe in sugar coating anything. I am a Baptist and I know there will be other views on this subject after I post this. What I have learned and believe that to be in Heaven after death all a person has to do is admit that they are a sinner and that Jesus died on the cross for the forgivness of sin. Then that person asks Jesus in their heart. It is a simple and almost sounds child like. To me that would mean that if a person doesn't believe in Heaven then they haven't asked Jesus into their heart which in the end would mean they wouldn't be in Heaven. The other part of your post, it is hard to forgive and not harbor resentment at time especially when it involves the death of someone we care about. It just takes time for the pain to heal.

I have also found it seems that the man dies first. When I went to the grief support group in my area for the adults as well as the children there were only about 3 or 4 that were going on my night all of the rest out of about 20 of us were women. I don't know if it is because men don't want to deal with their feelings and stuff them in rather than face them by going to a group or if it really is because men die more often. It is harder for me to find a single dad in my situation than it is to find a single mom. On this site it seems the same way. Love always Derek

Kayc, You are a strong woman who knows God and trusts in Him. If you feel that God is saying stay then so be it. I admire you in that you are trying to seek His will in this situation instead of adding to the statistics of divorce. Know that my thoughts and prayers will be with you no matter the outcome because I know that it will be in God's time and way. Love always Derek

Teny, So sad to hear you had a terrible time. What you went through is normal, as time goes on you run across those "firsts" where the one you love is not there and it takes you backwards a few steps. As time goes on you will have fewer of these "firsts" and things will get better. Just keep in mind that yes it is normal to go through all of the emotions when they occur. Take care of yourself and allow your self to feel these emotions. Love always Derek

Either because I am in the younger generation or I am the exception I would have to disagree with the article. I haven't read it yet as I don't have time right now, but I worked my butt off trying to get back to some sort of normal life again and I believe I succeeded. It was not without difficulty but I did accomplish it. Love always Derek

Wendy, The "what if's" get you everytime. When you start getting into the what ifs just stop for a second, get yourself back into today and clear your mind of those. THey will drive you nuts. I know that sometimes this is easir said than done but you need to do it for your own health and peace of mind. You can do it, I know you can. Love always Derek

Wendy, I wish there was some way that I could help you out with the house stuff but I can't. I can however say that you will be in my prayers and as always will be here to listen when you need to vent. Love always Derek

I remember all too well the first birthday that I had after Karen had died over two years ago. In August it will be my 3rd birthday without her. The birthdays get easier as each one passes, this will be my 39th and I think I will stay at 39. Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you and may you have a Happy Birthday. Love always Derek

Thank you so much all of you for your replies. It amazes me how much our minds will mess with us during times like these. You all are so wonderful and a life saver here on this site. I know that when I post that it won't be long before someone will respond and lift you up and out of the murk. Love always Derek

Kim, Sad to hear that you are having to experience what so many of us have had to experience with the loss of our loved ones. You have come to the right place as there are pleanty of caring people here on this site. I am proud to call them my friends and I am sure the longer you keep coming back here you will be able to say the same. Love always Derek

Hello all, I am lying awake here at 2 am in the morning before I have to leave on a 2-week business trip. I have been watching TV and things are hitting close to home. It has been over 2 years now and sometimes I still can't believe this has happened. I have been having mixed emotions about going on this trip. One the one side it is a break. I haven't had a long break from my son. I had a few days last year because of business but nothing this long. One the other side I know how much my son needs me since he lost his mom. But I find it hard to be there for him. Raising a son is supposed to be with 2 people not one. He wants me to do things with him and I try at times but a lot of time I just want to do what I need to do. I have been selfish the last couple of years and lately I have been seeing more and more that I need to spend more time with him. This evening I realizied just how much I miss Karen. How much I miss having a complete family. I have come close to tears the last couple of days and I wonder if I truly have dealt with the loss of Karen. I hate nights like this where you want to talk to someone and it being so late there is no one to call. At least I have this forum to come to and my friends that are here and understand. Thanks for listening Love always Derek

Wendy, It was around the 15 month mark when I had Karen's family finally go through her clothes and costume jewlery and then get rid of what they didn't want. There are still a lot of her things around. For me I don't look at it as holding on. Some of it is I just haven't had the time, a lot of it is the decour of the house and I don't want to change a lot of that yet as redecourating can cost so much. Only you will know when you are ready to start changing more of the things around your house. Do what is confortable for you. Love always Derek