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Notcoping, What you are going through right now is what a lot of us have experienced. The first year is the hardest, some say the second one is however mine seemed easier. You have a long raod ahead of you and for awhile it will seem like it is getting harder instead of easier. Right now you feel like you are in this long black tunnel with no light around you and no light ahead. I can look back at my first year and when I look back, I can see the darkness that was there. It will get better however, it will take time. The first months you are so raw from the whole thing, your emotions run wild and so forth, the least little bit I am sure sets you off either in anger or sorrow. All of us here understand that adn have been through it. April 6th will be 3 years for me and it has been one heck of a roller coaster, I am thankful to say that now everything seems easier, the times of depression are fewer and further between. Jsut keep coming and posting, there is always someone here who will understand and be able to help. Love in Christ Derek

It has been awhile since I have been posting however I have been reading your posts. Tonight I have a prayer request for one our family. Wendy's mom Marcia will be getting test results tomorrow for her cancer. For those of you who have been around awhile, she also has Lupus which complicates treatment for the cancer. Please pray that the test results are favorable, and that God reach down and help the doctors to what they can to treat her. Pray for strength for Wendy through all of this. Either her or I will keep you posted on how things turn out. Love always Derek

Teny, I think that corse would be a great idea. Yes, it may be difficult to go through however it may help you to face what is hanging you up and prerventing you from healing. It is difficult to face things like this however, we can't run from them either. If we run from these things then we will become stuck in a rut that will be difficult to get out of. I encourage you to go to that course, it may be somewhat painful, ut in the long run I believe it will help. Love always Derek

Hi Erica, Yes, I do remember you. Good to see you back. Yes, I understand what you mean about relationships. Not sure what you want but want someone to be with and be able to do things with. I think that started happening for me around the 2 year mark as well. Don't be a stranger. Love always Derek

I think it is normal for awhile thinking that you will never find happiness again. However, I also believe that after time you can learn to find happiness. I know for me it took a while, and even as I appraoch 3 years I still have my moments. I have found tho it seems like this past year has been better than the first 2 years. I wish I could give you the secret to beoming happy again, however I don't have an answer to it for you as each of us are different. For me I became active in my church, getting involved in the children's ministry as a Sunday school teacher and running the sound for their Sunday night program. By being active, it took the focus off of me and put my energy into something else. I know from your previous posts that you don't have a support group over there which I think would help you a lot. Since you don't see if you can find some sort of charitable organization that you can help. Love always Derek

If Kath isn't willing to I would be interested in getting that feedback and posting it.

Kath, It is hard enough with one I can't even begin to imangine it with 2. I do understand trying to fit 40 hours of stuff into 24 hours of a day.

Kath, I know exactly where you are coming from on that one. I can't find pants that are short enough that fit his waist. I had to buy myself a sewing machine and teach myself how to hem these pants. The house work tends to pile up and so forth. We weren't designed to be both parents to our children and it is very difficult. I have a lady at my church that has adopted me as her son and that helps a bunch. She will come in and help me get stuff cleaned in the house and so forth. I can talk to her about a lot of things as well as she lost her son many years ago and he would be about 4 years older than me right now. So she understands loss and the things you go through. I think it is a little easier to find a woman figure to help than it is a man so I don't know if this will help you much other than to say that I am right there with you and understand those feelings and frustrations in trying to fulfill both parental roles. Love always Derek

I look at this site in 2 ways one was already mentioned, there will be other grief in life in its ups and downs and people will be here when that happens. I never really thought about how long to stay on this site. I come and go sometimes not posting for awhile. I stay in touch as I am subscribed to this forum on here so I see evry new post that comes through in my e-mail. Sometimes I log on and there are so many posts already that have said what I would have said so I don't post. I stay here however to offer hope to someone who is just starting. If us old timers (if almost 3 years can be considered that) if we didn't stay on and it was just those who are fresh in grief how would they know that life ever so slowly does get better? Even at 3 years I still have my ups and downs and I am sure there will be more. So I don't like to put a time frame on any of this, to each there own, we are all different in how long it takes to get better. All of you have been like family to me, have been there for me and I am grateful to have shared a little part of my life with you all, and look forward to continueing to share lifes ups and downs with you. Love always Derek

Wow Walt January of 2005 it is hard to think what was going on. This was 1 year 4 months before I lost Karen, my son was then 5 years old and in Kindergarten. So much time has passed since then and my son has grown so much it is hard to believe that so much can happen in 4 years. I am sitting here and trying to think back about what we would have been doing but really can't remember. All I know is back then we were a family with no clue what was about to happen a little over a year later. Love always Derek

I know that on the outside looking in feeling. Birthdays and Anniversaries seem to be the hardest. Our anniversary happens a couple of weeks before the 3 year mark of her death. I can tell you those days get a little easier each time, not much easier but the do get easier. Hang in there. Love always Derek

Paula This was my third Christmas without Karen and I can tell you it will get better. Back in 1986 my grandmother who lived with us died and my parents got divorced. I was 17 at the time. My grandmother was my world and I was very devasted by it. So for many years I couldn't stand the holiday season, my family had been ripped apart. Every year since that time I got very depressed right after Thanksgiving and stayed that way until after New Years. This year even tho it has only been 2 1/2 years since Karen's death has been the first year I didn't dread this season. I had a rough time on Christmas Eve but that was about it. I can't explain it all I know is that it was better. My sister gave me a few presents from Santa to put under the tree so when Carson got up that morning there was a few things for me as well. I had to write her a card because if she didn't do that there wouldn't have been anything for me to open. I know it is all about our kids taht morning but it is nice to have a few surprises under the tree also. Anyway, I hope this gives you some hope that the season will get better, it will just take time. Love always Derek

Teny, Remember this each of us are different in our grief journey and how fast we progress. Like mlg said I think that the length of time we are with that person has a lot to do with it. I also think that age is also a major factor. The younger we are when we go through this the more we realize how much life is in front of us. I know for me, I figured that I will be on this Earth for quite awhile, (I was 36 when Karen died) it took awhile but I knew that she would want me to be happy so I knew that I had to start living again. One other major factor in my life is that I have a now 9 year old son. If I were to stay in the place I was at the begining that wouldn't have been good for him at all. So while it may seem like I have gone far into healing with my grief it is because I felt I had to. You are nearing 2 years or right at it if I remember correctly. The year leading up to my 3rd year has been a year of growth, the first 2-3 years are the hardest. You are healing and will get there, just give yourself time. Each of is different in the amount of time we need. You are doing fine, mainly because you keep coming here and posting and those posts are one factor in helping you heal. Love always Derek

That is a very tough descision. I had a friend that died from Aids as well and he kept it a secret from all but a few very close friends. I was one of the privlaged ones to know as we shared an apartment together. There is so much information out there about Aids that I don't know if it would benifit her to know or not. Now days, it is talked about in schools and such so she should already be aware of the precautions needed to prevent contracting it. I think that telling her right now may affect her school work and such. If I were going to tell her it would be when she will be home for awhile. I hope this helps. Love always Derek

Just to sit there at home and look into those eyes and say "I Love you" one more time and to know that she heard it. I would love to sit there and just talk about all that has happened in the last 2 1/2 years. To smell her hair and be able to run my fingers through it. To have that long embrace where you are standing together just hugging each other as tightly as you can. I know in doing so I would just break down and cry from missing her. Love always Derek

Erica, This is my 3rd New Year without Karen, I can tell yo it has gotten better. Each passing year will slowly get better, it just takes time. Love always Derek

QUOTE (Corinne @ Dec 31 2008, 04:31 AM) I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen

Karen , so good to hear that you had a great day! Love always Derek Merry Christmas

In the begining, I thought the same thing, that God was giving me more than I could handle. As time went on I found that I had a closer relationship with God than I ever did before. I can't even begin to explain why things happen the way they to do or why they happen so close together. All I do know is that there is nothing we have done to deserve what has happened to us. God has his reasons and he sees the whole picture where as we only see a very small part of it. It has been 2 1/2 years for me now and I have learned to start living life again I know that is what Karen would want me to do. I will admit it isn't easy, especially around family get togethers whith my sisters and their families. To be once again the one by him self with my son. To be the one helping in the kitchen now where Karen would help cook. Just keep coming here and wee will help you get through this. Love always Derek

I am as surprised as you are Love Always Derek

mlg, I have seen this before but had completely forgoten about it. What a way to honer the ones that we love. Love always Derek

Mike, I understand what you are going through all too well. Karen was the decorator, she wads the one to get me off my butt to get the Christmas tree out and help decorate. This will be my third Christmas as well. THe first couple of years, it it weren't for my 9 year old I would not have decorated. I will say this year has been easier, I got the lights up on the house last week and am planning to get the tree up this week. I feel better about this season for the first time in a long time. Anyway, I hope it gets easier and like you said the actual event in my experience is not as bad as the anticipation of it. Love always Derek

As many of you know, Wendy's mom recieved the test results today and needless to say they were not good news. The cancer is showing up on her lungs and lymph nodes, it has also moved to her brain and her colon. She is going to do a MRI tomorrow to show exactly where and to what extent the cancer is in the brain and she is going Friday for a colonoscopy. Basically what the doctors are telling her that because of her Lupus that they can't give her the strength of chemo or any radaition that is needed to get rid of it. So for now they are going to put her on a maintenance plan of Chemo which is supposed to help keep it from spreading but will not be able to get rid of it. Wendy appreciates all of your thoughts and prayers and asks us to continue with the prayers. Love always Derek

Hello to all of my HOV family. I hope Thanksgiving went well. I thought I would take the time to post what I am thankful for. I know for some of you right now that is hard to think of. However I believe that when you are in your darkest moments, takig the time to think about what you do have to be thankful for really helps to get out of the funk. First and formost I am most thankful for the time I had with my wife. Even though our time was cut short, I am honored that I got to spend it with her and have a wonderful 9 year old son because of it. I am thankful for this site, I owe two things to this site. First becauase of this site, I have gotten to know a lot of you. We have helped each other through a very rough time in our lives. You all are like family and you all helped make life bearable. From the times where we have had serious discussions to where we have cut up and kidded with each other. I learned that it is ok to laugh again. The second is, that I have met the love of my life here. I can still remember when Wendy first joined this site and what she was going through. I didn't realize it the time but we were forming a connection with each other and until recently didn't put two and two together. Because of this site I learned that I can love someone again. I can give my heart to someone again and not feel bad about it. Because we both have lost our spouses, we understand each other and the important role that our spouse played in our lives. We will always be able to talk to each other about our spouse without feeling like we are making the other uncomfortable. So, please respond, think about what there is in life to be thankful for and hopfully it will help someone. We post so many times about the difficulties we have because of the death and I feel every now and then we need to post about the success we have in life. I know this next month will be hard for a lot of us. The holidays have been a depressing time for me for quite a number of years. We will pull together and hold each other up and we will get through this season. I love you all like family. Derek