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Barb, Marty is so right! you don't need any of our permission to post on here what you are feeling, that is what this site is here for and that is how we can come along side of you and help you. You have taken a big step the last couple of posts, taking the responsibility to change the way things are going for you and how you are reacting to them. There is nothing we can do to change the past, it is what it is, however we can chose how we react to it. After I lost my wife, I threw myself into working on the outside of the hose repairing things that had needed repair for quite some time. I worked until I wouold almost pass out. The next year I did what you have been doing, I would come home from work fix something (usually a TV dinner) for my son and I would go into my bedroom and watch TV. I ate one meal a day. I did just enough to keep the house going and that was it. Surprisingly enough even at one meal a day I still gained 45 pounds that year. It wasn't until I looked at myself one day not to mention that I was getting ready to have to increase the size pants I wear that I decided that enough was enough and started changing what I was doing. You are doing good, keep it up. Love always Derek

Kim, For one, if he was that big of a JERK (I use jerk because I can't use what I would really want to call him and not get censored)then he wasn't your type. That was just plain mean. Don't take it personnally, he has probably had other women who tried to hold on and he decided to tell you that so you wouldn't call him again. However, I am not trying to defend him that was just wrong. Dating is so very difficult after we have lost a loved one. I know you don't want to hear the just give it time line however, you are still within the 2 year time period. While each person is different when it comes to starting to date again I have found and heard that it is best after 2 years. I have had a few first dates and it is no fun. Forget this guy, you don't deserve to have that done to you and, he doesn't deserve anyone as wonderful as you. Love always Derek

I remember this song and it is soooo true. Love always Derek

Mrs Charlie In your post you said that you haven't forgiven yourself for the descision for moving. I believe that if you want the pain to go away and start moving forward, that is where you need to start. You need to forgive yourself. In my scenario, Karen had a tingleing in her left arm the night before she had the heart attack that took her life. Both of us just thaught that it was the nervous of going on the trip the next day and went to bed. The next day after we had arrived in Florida she died. She felt fine in the morning and duroing the flight. I asked my sister who is a nurse if we would have gone to the hospital the night before would she still be alive. My sister told me that because of the severity of the heart attack that she would have died the next day at the hospital instead of traveling on a trip doing what she loved to do. There is nothing I could have done to prevent her dying. For you even if you not moved this might have happened anyway, now while it might have been different circumstances it still may have happened. So go easy on yourself, give yourself the forgivness that you need so that you can move on and start to enjoy life. It has been 2 and a half years for me and while the first year was nothing but blackness, I can now see light and am now enjoying life, because I took that step to find out that nothing I did could have changed the ultimate outcome. Because I knew that I needed to know that answer in order to heal. Love always Derek

Believe me, one day you will be able to see it that way. For now remember this...It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Love always Derek

I forgot about that one, yes a different e-mail address is very good that way you can shut the address off with out having to tell all of your friends that you now have to change your e-mail. I wished I would have done that when I first started dating. I had to block one address because she wouldn't leave me alone. Love always Derek

Karen, With all of the thigs we have with the internet it makes stuff like this so much easier. The advise that has been given is very good. The site that I liked the most was christianmingle.com In your profile you can put what you are looking for and if that is only friendship then they know that up front. If you pay for the service you also then have access to the chat rooms which I really enjoyed and made some great friends. However do be very careful what you say and do. There are a lot of men out there that are there loooking for a free ride and to see what they can get away with. BUt other than thaat I think it is a great way to meet people. Also christian mingle will have get togethers in different states where a whole group of peple get to gether and go out to eat or do some different things in the area during the weekend. I attended one of these and had a blast. Love always Derek

Rosemary, You are at 7 months and right now all the things you are feeling are normal. Those feelings will change as time goes on. At 7 months being with someone else was the furtherest thing from my mind. I am at 2 1/2 years now and I have dated, it wasn't the same nor did I expect it to be. Also at 7 months I had no energy to get involved in things. I have since then gotten involved in my church and become very active. Different from you I am younger and have a 9 year old to still raise, but that didn't make it any easier or keep me grounded. 46 is still young not all men are looking for the young spring chicken. Right now just concentraate on today and try not to look too far into the future. It will drive you nuts if you do, and will depress more. I did the same thing, looked at the future without anyone around and being lonely and was very down but when I started just looking at today and not worrying about what the future held for me, I was no longer down and had a better outlook on life. I am sire you have heard if you have read any of the posts that the first year is the hardest, that is when we are trying to rediscover who we are without our loved ones, not to mention going through all of the firsts. Just be patient withyour self and take all of the time you need and things will start to get better. Love always Derek

Kath, You are right those who have gone through a divorce don't fuly understand. While there are similiraties there are a bunch of differences and that is what sets us apart. Only those of us who have experienced death of a loved one can truly understand. You were also right about him not being with you. Heaven is described as a lace where there is no more sadness or pain. If our loved ones were with us then they would be sad to see the pain we are going through without them. I have heard different opinions as far as them being able to see the happy times in our lives. I like to believe however that they can see the happy events that occur. It sounds like you are finding this site very helpful, I am glad that is has been. This site was a lifesaver to me when I first lost my wife. While now that I don't have very many break downs like when first came here (And believe me there were a lot you can look at past posts to see where I came from) I still have a few times here and there where the emotions return. I like to return and try and give back what this site has given me, and for mee that is a life I actually enjoy now. Keep coming and posting and we will be here to help. Love always Derek

Carrieboo, That is a hard one to overcome. I have found that I get irritable as well from time to time and it has been 2 1/2 years. In my situation, because of my wife's death I am now financially in good shape. I am not rich by any means as I had to file bankruptacy however because of that and the little bit of life insurance I got to keep, I am no longer living check to check like we were before. For once I have money left over at the end of the month. So there are a lot of times that I feel guilty about this. Here I am living without having to worry about where the funds are going to come from to pay the next bill that arrives. Most of our marraige was struggleing with bills and she didn't get to enjoy what I enjoy now. Granted it is different in that I am not angry but it is one of those things that we have to deal with. You are right there is a lot to be thankful for i your life as well as mine, try and work through the anger, find out where it is coming from and work through it. I know that is a difficult thing to do, but you can do it and then things will get better for you. Love always Derek

Teny, I agree with what everyone has already said. Find someone that knows how to handel these situations. It seems like you haven't progressed very far and as you read it sounds to you like we have moved on very easily. Each of us has opur own time period, however I think all would agree that we have gotten where we are today through a lot of hard work. Until you find a good therapist get you some books on grief if you haven't already done so. There is a list on a past post that someone Dusky put together that he had read. I am sure Marty will post a link* to this message at some point that will take you to that post. Grief is a difficult journey and a hard one at that, but through some hard work and determination you can get through it but remember it will be only in the time frame that you decide, not someone else. Love always Derek * See John's Book List

William, Good to hear fron you again. Don't seel yourself short, you have pleanty to offer. As for the things you are keeping, to me that is something you should be able to do. She should understand that Myrna was a big part of your life and helped to shape you to who you are today. I have a son and if I ever find myself with someone, they will have to understand that there will be things around of Karen's, mainly because I don't wnat for my son to forget his mother, but also because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Anyway, some food for thought. Good to see yo here again. Love always Derek

Wendy, It is so good to hear you say that life does go on and you are living it. You have come a long way. I remember when you first joined this group and the thoughts of meeting someone and caring for them was the furthest thing from your mind. Way to GO!!. Now get out of the recliner and get some good sleep in your bed. Love always Derek

Fred and Wendy, I know you will still be here even when you don't have those grieving days. If anything you will stay and be a help to those newbe's that come to this site to encourage them that there is hope and that we can live again. I don't have very many bad days anymore, but I still come here to help others and to give to them what this site has given me. Hope that life will get better even when it didn't seem like it at the begining. Love always Derek

So wonderful to see you as well Karen, Fred and Wendy, it is so good to hear that things like this can happen. I actually had been wondering about you as well Wendy as I haven't heard from you in awhile. I hope you are still not sleeping in the recliner. Hopefully one day I will meet someone a well, for now I am content with being single. Love always Derek

I am kind of at that stage as well, I don't know if I ever want to marry again. I am enjoying the freedom (well at least as much freedom I can have while rasing a 9 year old) LOL

Gail, The dating scene again, who would of thought when we got married that we would be in that place again. I have dated off and on for the past year,Karen has been gone since April of 2006. I like you have found that I am not really ready to have a serious relationship. Personaly I don't know if I eever will be only because I have gotten used to being alone and rasing my son and really don't want to change anything else. Basically I have found that I am happy with who I am and where my life is. One day, who knows maybe I will run across that one special person that I will be willing to let into my life. You are lucky that the guy you have dated is as understanding as he is. Every time I have mentioned just being friends with the women I have dated they are done with any contact what so ever. You have 2 events so close together, I can imangine the emotions that you musst be going through. These happen however as I am sure you have now noticed that they don't happen as often any more. You will be in my thoughts and prayers durning the next few days. Love always Derek

Cheryl, I went to a place called the WARM Place it wasn't a program where you had a certain amount of sessions and that was it, you stayed until you were ready to leave. This group however was geared more for the children. My son was 6 when Karen died. The way it worked is the kids were in age approprate groups and then the adults met in their own group and did stuff as well to help us through. For me the group helped a lot. It came at a time when I was wondering if there was anyone else my age going through this. The group helped a lot I don't think I would have done as well with out it. Once my son gets older and can stay by himself I want to go back one day as a volunteer to be able to help othes get through this very trying time. If your current job will let you take the time off to attend then I really recommend you stay at that job for now and take advantage of the healing you will be able to get from the group. Obviously though if finances are the main reason for changing then you need to take care of yourself that way also. This is a very hard spot to be in, do you take care of your financial needs right now or your emotional needs they can sometimes go hand in hand. I definately recommend a grief support group though it helped me a ton. Love always Derek

Cheryl, Right now you are learning what the new normal is and that will take time. One thing that I have heard over and over is during the first year do not make any major life changes unless it is absolute necessary. Personally if you are doing fine financially with your current job and are able to make ends meet and not struggle, then stay where you are for now. If however you are living check to check and struggling then look at the new job. Right now you need to concentrate on the rest of your life. Learning who you are right now. What might seem as a good fit right now may not seem so later down the road when you start figuring out who you are now. As far as contributing to this site, you have something to share and help with, you have 2 months more than someone who has just lost someone. That 2 months especially during the begining is a big deal. You are new and all of this is still so fresh and you are closer to those who just join. You do have something to share with them, and that is what you have done to get through these 2 months. All of us here have some degree of experience that will help someone else wether that is 2 months or 2 years. Just take it slow and consider all aspects of any major descisions that need to be made and you will do fine. Love always Derek

Kay, I can relate. When Karen died I filed bankruptacy. Karen's truck was a lease on which we had added the amount of out trade in which we were upside down in to the cost. So rather that keep pouring bad money in I turned in the truck while I had the opturnotiy to during the filing of papers. I still remember the day when I had Ford come and tow the truck away. It was an emotional event as she loved the color and everything with this truck. I have since replaced the truck but it is a different color and it just isn't the same. Love always Derek

Kayc, I was one of the lucky ones, the church I joined has been there the whole time for me and so have a bunch of friends that Karen and I had. They are still active in my life. The church I joined was after the fact as we weren't going to church at the time. But I can also understand where people come from. What do you say to someone that has had someone die? They are afraid of saying something wrong to us and we get mad. But if nothing is said and we get mad so they can't win either way. Love aways Derek

mlg, It is perfectly normal. My wife died because of clogged artieries, she was only 45 and my son was 6 at the time. Every time I saw a Plavix commercial it would just kill me that they couldn't have found out earlier and gotten her on this medication. I truly don't believe that any amount of money could have helped me or you. I don't know if this analogy will help or not but it is what I know. I teach technicians how to repair copiers. We are able to open them up and look inside to see what is happening. When one part doesn't fix the problem we are able to try a different one with relative ease, usually when a copier has a certain problem the same part that fixed the one before will fix the same problem. A person is different. What works for one person doesn't always work for another, just like grief each of us has our own time period. Doctors don't have the flexibility to just open us up every time something is wrong with us. So I really don't believe any amount of money could have helped either of us. I went through a lot of anger for quite awhile after the loss of my wife, I know today that it is through that anger and resentment that you will be able to grow and get through this. Love always Derek

Carrieboo, I was on anti-depressants for about the first 9 months after I lost my wife. I like you was afraid of becoming too dependant on them. However I also realized that I needed them at first in order to deal with everything. As time went on there cam a point where I knew it was time to get off of them. I can't tell you how I knew but I just knew. And I talked with my doctor and got off of them. If you need to take them righ tnow then that is ok, they help level out the huge ups and downs associated with thte loss of a loved one. I am glad that you have found this forum helpful to you. Love always Derek

The way you get through the guilt is to talk about it. Either through a counsler, if your boyfriend is understanding then talk to him about it. Also coming here. I think most of us feel guilty when we start to consider other people, I know it still hits me at times, when we marry or are getting ready to marry you start the process of being one with the one you love and forsaking all others so that when the person you love is gone it is hard to change that thought in your head. The main thing that I can think of is remember that you are human, you are alive and we as humans are meant to be with someone. And you have already said he would want you to be happy and find someone else. It is not going to be an easy road but you will get through it. Love always Derek

Moving on is not a bad thing, in fact it is probably the heathiest thing you can do. I was married for 11 years when my wife died 2 years ago and I am now 39. I have been dating off and on for the last year. While at times it has been difficult and memories surface I know that my wife would want me to live a happy life and not be alone for the rest of it. I am sure your fieance would feel the same and would tell you that if he were here. Yo are right that selling everything and moving back would not solve the grief you are feeling and it would probably cause even more problems in the long run with your current boyfriend. You are doing fine with continuing your life and with the choices you have made. Love always Derek