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Karen's sister helped me with mine, if it hadn't been for her I wouldn't have gotten them done as I am a terrible procastenator. Love always Derek

Cheryl, While none of us have wished the circumstances to happen that caused us to find this site, you are correct in saying that it is good that others have felt this way. It is because we have felt or are feeling this way that we are able to help each other get through all of this with any kind of sanity. Keep coming here, you are doing fine with your posts. Love always Derek

Cheryl, First of all I am glad that you found this site. The answer to the question of how long is different for each and every one of us. For some just a matter of a year or so anad everything seems to get better for others it has been longer than 3 years. It is different for each person. For me after I got throuh the "Firsts" of the first year things started to look up. I no longer have that since of doom and gloom and the "Why me's" while I still miss my wife and while she still holds a special part in my heart that will never go away I have found happiness. Once I found out who I was as a single person again and accepted that I am single I was able to start living again. I have even started dating again. Some people here will tell you that they couldn't possibly date again and that is for each person to decide for them selves. You have found wonderful site and we are all here to help in anyway that we can. Feel free to post anything that you are feeling or any question that you have no matter what it is I can guareentee that there is someone here that will reply that they have felt the same or done the same thing and that you are not going out of your mind or crazy for thinking that way. Love always Derek

HEY WENDY..... Get off the recliner and go to bed!!!!! Love always Derek

Kim, you are making it, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and today will be done before you know it. Love always Derek

I had problems sleeping for quite awhile and my wife didn't die at home either. My wife's dad however sold their bed shortly after his wife passed away and bought a new one. Sometimes it is just the stigma of it being the bed that you shared for so many years together makes it hard to sleep in it still. So as you look at it if it is the bed causing you the problem then if are comforatble with it get a new one. It may be well worth the cost in order to get a good night's sleep. It has been my experience when I didn't get a good nights sleep I was a lot more depressed and the feelings of loss and frustration hit me all that much harder than when I did get good sleep. This can be a catch 22 situation, one is you would be getting rid of something that was both of yours, there can be some sedimental feelings attached with the bed. The other hand though is a good nights sleep will help you feel so much better and be able to more readily face the day. Keep us posted Love always Derek

Kim, I know that your one year mark is upon you. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you face this day and I pray that it won't be as difficult as you think that it will be. Reading one of the posts that Marty just linked was my first post from when I was facing my one year mark. Looking back at that and what I was going through back then is what it sounds liek you are going through. We are here for you and looking back I do remember that the actual day was not as bad. The 2nd year mark went even easier in fact I had very little difficulty with the deays leading up to that mark. So keep in mind, it will get better, just focus on today, and come up with a plan to get through the day and you will be fine. Love always Derek

Kim, I remember the year mark all too well and it was my experience that the days leading up to it were worse that the actual day. What I did was plan the day. For me I decided to plant a tree on that day to comerate the day. I went to the grave site and put out flowers and then came home and planted the tree and some grass as well. Find something to do for that day to get you through, and we will be here for you. love always Derek

Jan, At 5 months it will seem slike it is getting worse instead of betteer. My experience was it kept feeling worse for about 9 months or so. I know that another 4 months of this can seem like an eternity so don't focus on the future. Just try and take things on day at a time. I know time is not what you want to hear right now but this does all take time. Just keep in mind no one can say what you should be feeling right now. Even those of us that have been through this can't say what you should or shouldn't be feeling. Each of us is different in how we deal with the death of our loved one. All we can do is share what we have experienced. And what I can share is it will get better, just keep coming here and we will be here to help you. Love always Derek

Thank you, all of you for your wonderful thoughts and wishes. It made my day today to find this. I had a wonderful day even though most of the afternoon I worked on the fence with a neighbor rebuilding it, but, I love doing this type of stuff so I had fun. Love always Derek

Thank you John, I will have to look it up. Good to hear from you. Derek

Vicki, The year mark is a difficult time. I don't know how many offers you ha of people that said "Just let me know if you need anything" but as difficult as it was for me I called in those offers when I needed them. Most of mine were for someone to help with my son or help cleaning rather than fixing things but it was still help. Anyway, just keep coming here and share, I promise you will feel better. Love always Derek

I watching a TV series the other night called "Army Wives". This show can be very emotional as they are dealing with the loss of a loved one quite frequently but this one the other night took the cake. A dad had lost his son in the army and while he was talking to someone about it he said that when he lost his wife when his son was 2 years old, his son was the only thing he lived for. His son was his only reason for living back then. I sat back and went "Wow" someone out there understands exactly how I felt in the begining. I don't know who the writers are but someone on that writing team understands grief. Now that it has been two years I know there are other reasons for living and continuing life, but at first I didn't want to go on. I had given up on life. Now, I am trying to get as much out of life as I can. Love always Derek

Wow Mark what a testomony to your marraige. I lost my wife on April 6th of 2006. I understand completly what you are feeling. The only difference is I have a now 9 year old to take care of. So the first part of the evening is not lonly as I have the cooking, cleaning, homework and such before he goes to bed. But once he is in bed then the lonelyness would hit me. 2 years later however I don't always get that lonly feeling anymore. I have learned who I am again, that took time to do you gt so intertwined with your wife that when she is gone like you said, half of you is missing. I am glad you have found this site, it is full of wonderful people who will be here for you. Love always Derek

Mike, You are so new into this and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. It is very hard to imangine ever feeling better. I am here to tell you that I have been there and said that but now I can honestly say to people that I am doing ok, or good. Just give it time and try not to look too far into the future you will get better. Love always Derek

Unfortunately my wife's death was sudden with no warning due to a heart attack so I did not experirance this with her. I have heaard of it before tho. What was wierd about her death was this... We had gone on vacation to Florida where she died as we were arriving at the hotel. My sister after finding out what happened and the time that it occured told me that she had worked an all nighter and had only been asleep for a couple of hours. She woke up wide awake at that exact time. She knew something was wrong but just didn't know what. For a few days after she clearly heard Karen's voice call her name, like there was something she needed her to do. She didn't know exactly what it was but she had an idea, once she carried it out she no longer heard her voice. One other experience I had was my golden retriever would not get up in my bed at night even tho she had pleanty of times before. After about 2 weeks on night I finally told myself that this was not a dream and Karen would not be coming back, I finally accepted it. The very next night my dog jumped right into bed. I know this isn't exactly what you had in mind but I thought I would share it anyway. Love always Derek

Mike, I am sorry that you have found us under these circumstances, however you have found a wonderful group of people here that will be here for you. This site was a lifesaver for me when I lost my wife of 11 years a little over 2 years ago. I found many a time when I came here and posted what was on my mind there was always someone posting shortly with words of compassion and something to help me get through. Love always Derek

Kelly, I am so sad to hear of your loss. Unfortunately I don't monitor this forum as most of my time is spent in the loss of a spouse fourm. We had 2 miscarraiges before our son was born. He is now 9 years old. This is a very difficult time right now and it is all so new. Unfortunately most people don't understand the loss of an unborn child. They don't see why you should be this emotional when you have never seen your child. However the grief is as real as losing someone you have know for many years. You asked how do you get through this. All I can say is one day if not one minute at a time. Seek out those who are close friends that are willing to lend an ear without judging you for how long it may take for you to get through this. It will get easier that I promise. Keep coming here and like Marty said there are a lot of kind people here that do understand what you are going through and will be here for you. Love always Derek

Shhh65, Thank you, you are correct, when we are so new into this we can be hurt so easily. We turn things around and take them out of the context that they were intended. It reminds me of a post last year sometime where a woman was feeling down and posted about it. A young man replied back to the post to try and help console her but it was taken by several of us that he was trying to pick her up. After several of us jumped in and were saying this isn't a place for picking up women he posted back and said that wasn't his intention at all. It was kind of funny and just goes to show how easy it is for us to jump to conclusions. Then when someone doesn't say anything to us we feel hurt again because we think that they have gone with their lives and have forgotten our loved ones. I feel sorry at times for those that around us because they can't win either way. Wendy, Thank you, I know that you and countless others are here for me and are a mouse click away, as you know I am always here for you as well. Love always Derek

Joe, I as well have told people that "no" things are not ok right now. It is kind of funny when we look at things. If people didn't ask us if we are ok we would be offended, but when they do ask us, we get offended. What are they supposed to do??? Either way they take a chance of offending us. Basically I look at it this way, they are on the outside looking in and if they haven't lost someone very dear to them they don't understand the correct way to ask the questions to us to try and help us through. I will give an example. Before the birth of my son my wife had 2 miscarraiges. After these miscarraiges well meaning people would come up and say things like "that just means that there was something wrong with the baby and it would have problems if you had carried it full term" I don 't remember if it was that blunt but that is what we heard, and while this may have been true it isn't what we wanted to hear at the time. People ask us if everything is okay because that don't know what other questions to ask. They don't want to offend us by forgetting all about our loss and not saying anything so they come up with that question. I personnally truthly answered those questions when they were asked. I didn't care if it was going to scare them off or not. What I found through answering those questions truthfully is who my real friends were. Those were the people that continued to ask me how I was even after I had unloaded my true feelings on them a couple of day before. Those are the ones you want around you when those lonely nights strike with no mercy. Those are the ones that will be there by your side when all you can do is sit there and sob. Those are the ones that when it has been over 2 years since your lovecd one has passed on you know you can still talk to them and know that they won't come back with the comment of "you need to move on". They are the ones you can trust. Love always Derek

Jan There is no time frame as others have said. Here on this site we won't put a time frame on something like that. Those on the outside world will however say that it is time and such, but they just don't know. For me I have slowly started removing her things. It has been over 2 years now and there are still some of her shoes in the closet. I got rid of her clothes when I needed room in the closet. As time goes on I find myself more and more ready to get rid of more things. You will know when the time is right and only you will know. Don't let anyone else make you get rid of something before you are ready as you may find that you regret it later. You won't regret it when you are ready. Love always Derek

Jlynn, I can't add much to what Karen has said. You are coming to the stage where the shock is finally starting to wear off and reailty is setting in. You can be in a room full of people and feel totally alone. It does get better, just hang in there you are among friends. It has been a little over 2 years now for me since my wife passed away. Sometimes even now I think that I am going to wake up and this will have been one big nightmare that I was having. No such luck so far. Please feel free to post anything that is on your mind no matter how small you may think it is, I can guarentee you that there is someone here on this site that has experienced it and knows what it is like and knows how to get through it. There have been many times for me in the begining where I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin, I came here and posted and before I knew it there was someone replying to my post with words of encouragement and things to do to help me get through. This site and the people on it have been a lifesaver to me. Again, welcome to the site, I am glad that you have found us. So sad it had to be under these circumstances that we all have gotten to meet, however I am very thankful for each and every one of them. Love always Derek

Ann, Kay is right, listen to yourself only you know what is right for you. My wife died a little over 2 years ago and while I have dated a couple of times I don't know if I will ever remarry. It isn't because I haven't moved on, it is because I have found that I actually am starting to enjoy single life or at least as much as I can with a 9 year old to raise. Love always Derek

Ann, You are right, each person is different and the time frame is different for each person. The 2 year wait period is just a guide line to help poeple to make sure that it is the right thing to do and not something they are rushing into out of fear or some other motive that could end up in a disaster. Love always Derek

Wendy, With all you are going through right now I can see your point. However I do believe that once you get some distance from all of this and things settle down you will come to realize that the statement is true. I know I did, but it took time. Also, please get the thought out of your mind that you did something to cause all of this. There is nothing you did or could have done to cause this. You will only cause your self more grief if you start digging up things you have done in your life to cause this to happen. It has just happened and that is all. Somewhere along the line you will find you have gained strength from all of this. And from that strength you will eventually be able to help someone else that has all of this happen to them as well. You and your mom will be in my prayers. Love always Derek