Dwaynecg

Sad, I to cry every day. I was even crying at the Doctor office today. She told me that is quite normal. She told me it is hard on them also to see me without Pauline, you would never think that the Doctors, nurses, where both Pauline and myself had treatments. Every little step you take we are all taking with you. It is a hard and lonely battle, so keep coming and typing out what you feel. I know my loss of Pauline is by far the hardest thing in my life I have had to endure. Dwayne

I do not believe that it prolongs the healing. Just today I was at the pain management, and the APN suggested that I should be on an anti depressant. She said it stop your grieving but it helps you cope better day by day. I think I should try it. This is the second time I have been told I should go on one. I do not see any harm in trying one. She also told me it takes about six weeks before you see them working. When you are depressed your body is not making the chemical you need to function more like you should be. Dwayne

Pauline and I had so many times when words were not needed. I agree it makes it so much harder to deal with the loss. I know I will never find that special love again. Dwayne

I know how you feel, being alone all the time isn't good place to be. It makes grieving that much harder to go through. I go for walks every day and to church twice a week. Hang in there we are all here for eachother. May God bring you Peice. Dwayne

After Pauline passed, I wanted to make a DVD movie for her memorial. She had bought a photo scanner and wanted to scan photos into the computer this spring. She never made it. I took the photos from a small closet room in the front entry. There was an office box full of photos and 6 regular photo boxes full of photos. It took me 3 day to go through the photos. Another day and a half to scan in the photos. I took the photos placed them in photo shop elements and fix them. Then move the photos into windows movie maker. Started from when she was just a little girl to the last photos were from 2009. Then I added 9 songs that were her favorites into the movie maker. After I had the movie all set I burned to one disc, to make sure it worked the way I wanted. It was perfect. I bought light scribe discs and with Nero 8 burned photos of her and one of both of us with a caption. I burned 22 discs and using the one movie disc, I copied from the computer to the light scribe discs in a portable light scribe DVD burner. These discs were family and a couple of Pauline's close friends. I was just going to put them in a sleeve, but I didn't like the sleeves. I went to Staples and bought slim jewel cases and a good photo paper. I made a cover for the cases with pictures of her and me with a caption. On the inside I put a back cover with all the songs an who preformed them. In all about 35 hours of work went into that. I also put together a photo album with larger photos. Pauline was well deserving of all my effort I put into this project. I still have the VCR tapes to put to disc then onto a hard drive hooked up to the router. I don't know when I will do that. Dwayne

mfh, I am glad you had that kind of love too. And like you I think it makes their passing so much harder to deal with. Before cell phone, while at work I would get a number of calls a day. As production manager I order a lot of supplies needed to make our products. When I would get a call, the office never would say who the calls were from. When I would get a call, the office would just say Dwayne and the line number. When Pauline would call the office would page me and the line number, I would say Hi Babe, She would say how do you know its me. I would just know. Dwayne

Dave, The strongest emotion I felt after Pauline's passing was GUILT. The hospice counselor told me it is normal to feel that way, but in reality there was nothing I could have done any better or different. The one emotion I have never felt from my loss of Pauline is ANGER. Why I don't know. Guilt has ben the big one for me. Of course sadness, loneliness. I do not have the guilt as much now 3+ months from the time of her passing. I still cry every day but we all do. Right now I am in a place in my mind I want to help other people. I will be taking a nursing class in July. That is my focus now, I know Pauline is watching over me and will be proud when I become a nurse and able to help people like I had done for her. Grief is tough for some a lot harder than for others. But here we all are, and for one I find comfort here at HOV. Dwayne

Sad, I to say Bravo for not drinking as much. We are all here for you anytime you need to write out your feelings. The more you can get them out the better you will become. I know the pain you are in. I am in pain myself. Days go by without anyone calling to see how I am, that hurts also. I am so glad I am on HOV, because everyone GETS IT!!! It is with their understanding of how and why I have these feelings. It helps me get through each day. I can only hope and pray you keep coming back. Dwayne

For me I have always been a positive, I never want to think any other way. Even with Pauline having those down ward slide, Time after time I always staid positive and tried my best to keep her that way. I was positive she would pull through, God had other plans and took her pain way alone with her soul. After I tried to keep positive will crying days on end. We are all different in this grief we are all feeling. For me now it is very hard to handle, I just go day by day. Some days I feel so down and hard to even move, other days I get things done, and move forward in my new life. Some day I hope soon I find my balance instead of the big swing down then up. I know where I want to go but getting there is hard. It is because of the great love we lost that makes it so hard on us. If we did not have that where would we be at today. I was so fortunate I had Pauline for 33 years. Now I have ME, and all those memories that will help me go on and go on I will just like all of you. Dwayne

Thank you Wes, and Anne for your kind words. It was just a couple days ago I was putting some of Pauline's jewelry in her box and it reminded me of that moment. The look on Pauline's face was priceless. I was so glad I did not say something before she told me to open my eyes. I know she had to work to get it back to me and keep it a secret. The smile she had and the joy she was filled with, was really all I needed. Yes getting my ring back after all those years was special too. Kay I am so glad that you had found your soul mate, even though you did not have as many years as you would have wanted you still hold onto those special moments you had. I don't everyone is as lucky as we are. Some people go from marriage to marriage, and they still cannot find their someone special. I am not talking about people here on HOV. I am talking about people we all know who has not yet found their sole mate God Bless, let his light guide you down your journey through life. Where He Leeds Us WE do not know, but trust and have faith it will be the right road through life. Dwayne

Finding that special someone, When Pauline and I found each other, first we were best of friends. Then we started spending all our time together. We had really found each others soul mate. The one of a kind of love. We started living together August 13, 1978. We married September 5 1980. After a while we became so close I would know what she was thinking and she would know what I was thinking. Then it was in 1996 I came home from work, at that time I was working around 45 hours a week. Pauline was doing ok with the MS. Pauline told me to sit on the bed and keep my eyes closed. I knew what was about to happen. You see around 21 years early I had lost my class ring. I would take it off and put in my pocket when I went to work. One morning in 1975 we had a big snow storm about 2-3 feet of snow. I lived about 1/2 mile from work. I worked for the Park county road & bridge Dept. I walked to work around 4 am, and opened the main road by the shop and down to were the school bus turned around. After a long day at work I got home and I did not have my ring. My pocket had a hole. I thought it was gone for ever. When the county cleaned the truck out to sell it off a man found my ring wedged in the seat. This man took it home and put it on a shelve where it stayed for years. He got married and his wife saw the ring. She asked him about it, and he told her how he found it. She said they should try to get it back to the owner. So off to Platte Canyon high school she went. She for out it was mine by the initials in the ring. Then she found my brother who live's in the Denver area. He called Pauline when he knew I would be at work. He sent it to her. When she told me to sit on the bed I knew what she had. I almost said it to her, but I did not want to spoil it for her. Sure enough when Pauline told me to open my eyes, there it was my class ring. She took a picture right as I saw the ring. I had the biggest smile you ever saw. I told her the next day I knew what she had, she replied I know. Because we never or ever would keep secrets. It is times like that I hold so tight onto. I know I will never find another Pauline. Have any of you had a similar moment in your life with the loved ones you all have lost? I hope so because that is true love. Your soul mate. No one will every be able to replace, We may in time find another to journey with but it will be different. God Bless all of you and my we all find peace someday Dwayne

Brian, I for one all my life have had a hard time expressing my feelings. When I met Pauline, she was really the one I could ever really talk to. The guys a work I never socialized with. It was always Pauline and I. After she passed the grief consoler at hospice called me several times and wanted to get to the group meeting for those that has lost a spouse. The first one I was to sick to go. She told me of another one she has for anybody who has lost some one in their life. I went and it wasn't easy for me to do, open up in front of other people. As it turned out every one their had lost a spouse. When it was may turn, I told them my first name and What caused Pauline's death. I shed tears the whole time. It was after every body had done the same thing, I didn't feel alone. There were other people going through the same thing. I try to attend all 3 meetings a month. Harry told our group about HOV. I have never belonged to any kinds of groups on the Internet. Pauline had she was evolved with a lot of groups. I find it being a lot better to post and read here, and I can get my emotions out a lot better at the group meetings. Both have worked for me. I have along way to go before I will find peace in my life. I put Pauline first in my life, before work, family, and before my own needs. That is how much I loved her. God will guide me and when I can't go on he will carry me through my life. I am so thankful to Harry for telling our group about HOV. The consoler had told me months ago after Pauline passed to look on the Internet for grief groups. I never looked until Harry. I guess I was just afraid to write in some group on-line. I was so wrong this is the place to be. I thank all of you for your writings, I now that you understand the pain we all have, as we try to go on without our most important person that we had. God Bless all of you Dwayne

Marc, You are so right, this is the place to be. Just yesterday I was feeling so down, and finding it just so hard to do anything. Then I posted my feelings and mfh gave me a different way that older people look and feel grief. Her words made me feel so much better. This is the best place to be. When you feel down people help lift you up. An when I read about people being at their lowest I try to lift them up. Pauline and I have very strong Christian believes, I know she is in God Kingdom where she will be waiting for me. I also believe that God is leading me on the rest of my journey through life. I miss and cry every day for my Pauline. I will see her again. God Bless You and keep up the faith Dwayne

Brian, I am glad you had a good day. And that you son is getting some help for what had happened to him. I look forward to having some good days my self. I hope they come soon, and you have many more days like yesterday. Dwayne

Chris, I know exactly what you feel, Pauline and I what to have children so bad. But God had different plans for me. He brought Pauline and I together for a special reason. He knew that Pauline would need so much help later in life. I can see that now, but when we were trying to have children I could not understand that then. I envy those of you who do have children around you. As I look back I would not have changed a thing about Pauline's and my life. Because we had and I still have this one of a kind true love for her. I just wish I wasn't so alone all the time. Dwayne

mfh, Thank you for your support and understanding. It helps to know that it isn't just me. And you are probably right about my father in-law and being from a different generation. I never thought of looking at it that way. Today I am feeling a little better. Going to try to get some things done I have been putting off. Dwayne

Congratulations, on your victory,sorry to hear of your injury after. Hope that heals quickly for you. YOU done it kept going and got a victory. Dwayne

Melina HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I hope you find peace and joy today. have a great day!!!!! Dwayne

KayC, Pauline and I, we both have strong Christian and been saved by Christ. Jesus died on the cross and rose again for our sins. Pauline was never afraid of death, she knew we are saved by Jesus. After Pauline's passing I felt strong and getting things done that needed doing. I went onto unemployment because I was Pauline's PCA and was paid. I want to go into nursing. Unemployment will pay for training. Every thing was going good until the first of the month, now it seems everything is on hold for now and I just feel at my lowest point after Pauline's passing. I know God is guiding me but right now I feel so alone and my spirit is almost gone. I don't know what to do to get out of this low. I pray to God to lift me up because I need the help. God Bless Dwayne

mfh, I had the very same thing happen to me. I could not believe who said this to me. It was Pauline's father. I had called him because he has health problems. By the why Pauline's mother past away in March 1995. About 1 1/2 years after he re married. Fine he was able to move into the positive. May 25 makes 3 months from Pauline passing. When he called back he asked me if I had someone across my table to drink coffee with? I said no, then he said it is about time to get busy and find some one. I was shocked!!! He should out of anyone in the family and friends understand what I am going through. I am at my lowest point this past few days. I am not eating well, I just don't know how to get out of this low I am in. I miss Pauline so much and how of anyone could my father in-law say that to me. I think that is what has sent me into this down ward spiral. It is so hard these days just to get out of bed. Dwayne

Younggranne, Welcome to this group. I also am at the 3 months, I too cry every day for my Pauline. I always knew she would pass before me. She had MS for many years. When they told us she was end stage I could not believe it. You would think with so many years know she was slowly slipping away bit by bit. I still was not ready for this. I am glad I am here. I also go to 2-3 hospice support meetings a month. It is so hard to walk down this road of my new life that I never wanted. I am going to go to school for nursing. I am hoping to start sometime in July. My last hospice meeting the counselor told me as of today I was not ready to take the classes. I have a lot of healing to do first. That is why I come here every day, even if it is just to read. I know I am not alone in the way I feel, and thoughts I have. Just keep coming back. God Bless Dwayne

Pauline and I were together for 33 years. That was real. We were so much in love, we knew what the other one was going to say before it was said. I am a wreck without her, the days are so lone and nights are worse. What I feel now is not a dream. It is more like a smack in the face. I would give any thing to have a little more time with her. I can't have that so here I am in the same place all of you are. Some nights I swear she is next to me in bed, I can feel her warmth, I can hear her breathing. Then it is gone, I am alone without her and it sucks. I am trying to get it together and try to accept she is gone. This new life we all have is so hard to start it is two steps forward and then one back. As I type this the tears are falling. I am thankful for HOV because you all understand the pain I feel how hard we fight trying to move ahead in our new life. God Bless all of you, and may he ease our pain as we move ahead. Dwayne

Marc, I am sorry for your loss. I am also fairly new to this wonderful group of people. I wish none of us would have to be here. My wife Pauline passed away February 25 at 2:30 PM. We were together 33 years. Like many here feel the same as I do. I lost my best friend, my soul mate, my wife. She passed from end stage MS, multiple sclerosis. So welcome, talk or I should say type out you feelings here because ever one here knows what you are going through grief is a long journey to get through. I am only at the beginning when all those raw emotions come out. I find the hospice support group meeting are very helpful also. God Bless Dwayne

Melina, I have never been depressed my whole life. I was in a serous auto accident in 1996. I was treated at a pain management center for about 5 years. I got off the pain medication no problem. Then I was rear ended in 07 I never seen the woman coming. The impact was so hard it knocked my glasses off my face. I went back to pain management and was treated until I quit my job to take care of Pauline full time. I still had pain but I learned other ways to cope with it. After Pauline passed away, she donated her body to science. The day she past I lost her and my job. I went onto unemployment, and the first 2 weeks I was on the go doing everything I needed to do. Sunday of the third week I got real sick. I could not keep food down or it would go right through me. I tried to treat myself for 3 days everything I took would not help. I called my doctor because I did not have the insurance she told me to take over the counter stuff. I called unemployment they had me on blue cross by noon the same day. The next day it was nice out so I decided to go to the store. I took the back roads because I still did not feel good. I got behind a kid driving and at an intersection we have a yellow flashing light the side streets have a flashing red light and a stop signs. Just as he reached the intersection he slammed on the brakes I hit him. After that I knew I had to get to the doctors. Monday I called they got me in right away. My heart rate was 132 she took it again it was 135 bmp. Long story short she put me on Medication to help me relax and sleeping pill, because I wasn't sleeping and back to the pain clinic. They put me on a slow release pain med. After 3 months I still am not back to the same health as I was before Pauline passed. Grief effects the body in a lot of ways. I do not drink and never have. I do not smoke and never have. My hands still have tremors in them. I takes the body a long time to adjust, it is not only your mind, feelings and things like that but also it effects your whole body. I do not think drinking alcohol is any good to do. It can also effect some of the medications you take. Just take it day by day and see your doctor. I know they have helped me. Dwayne

Brian, So glad that God was looking after your son and no harm came to him. It is a hard way to learn a lesson in life. Dwayne