Dwaynecg

Brian, I am in the same place you are. The only difference is that Pauline and I friends and her family around before she was diagnosed with MS. As her health failed no more friends would come by or call, no more of her family would come by and only call a very few times. Her Dad would call ,maybe twice a month. She had 2 close friends who were the only ones to come over and spend time with us. We got use to being alone just the 2 of us. The past 3 years none of her family would even invite us over for the holidays. Her best friend would come over and cut Pauline's hair when she wanted it cut. My family is all out west, Colorado, Texas, and California. I would get a call from my 4 brothers maybe once a year. My Mom and Dad would call once a month. I made Pauline holiday meals with all the fixings so we would have the holidays alone. But that was fine because we LOVED each other so much we didn't care as long as we had each other. After her passing her family was calling all the time. Dad calls a couple times a week. Now 3 months after her passing it is like before no one calls except for Pauline's Donna who would cut her hair. She calls almost every day and her new husband calls and we go for coffee, until 2 weeks ago when he was hit on his motorcycle. We go to the same church, so I have ben there for Donna. I offered my help to them any way I can. Even though it is like it was before no family calling. It is a lot harder to deal with now that I don't have Pauline. It is very lonely now. I am on unemployment also. I want to take the nursing courses, but now things have slowed down. At the career center I met with my counselor on June 1. I thought I was going to choose the school and go on from there, but he want me to be reclassified so I will be able to get food stamps and other assistance. Now I am starting that. I don't when I will start school now. I was hoping for early July but I don't know. I do find comfort being in our house, but without Pauline it is quite different. I thought it was just me not having friends and family calling. We are all in the same place. I am glad I have this forum to get things out and to see other people understand what I am going through. Thank all of you for your words of support something we all need God Bless everyone Dwayne

Anne E What I done was open paint, Up in left side top corner, click on the file icon, go to open files. It will open all your picture files. Choose a picture. It will probably open up the picture very large so big you may not see all the picture on the screen. Then you will see re-size. Click on re-size when re-size opens you will see percentage or pixels Choose pixels, the put in 150 in the top box and 140 in bottom box. That keeps the picture in proportions. You will see the picture resize then save as what ever name or number it is and it will probably have a -1 after the name or number and save as jpeg. You should be all set. Give it a try Dwayne

When Pauline passed away, I put together a memorial for her. I also made a DVD movie of over 260 pictures I scanned into the computer, the into Photo shop essentials, then into windows movie maker. I added 8 songs. Using a light scribe DVD burner I burned on light scribe discs photos of her and me. I was just going put them into a vinyl sleeve. But that was not good enough for Pauline. I went to staples and bought slim cases and a good heavy photo paper. I made a DVD case cover and a inside cover listing the songs she like. Her are the songs Pauline favorites. Good thing I had most of the pictures in movie maker because I got real sick for 2 weeks. By the time I got feeling better I had just one week to finish the movie and burn the discs. I also made a photo album of photos from her as a baby up until the last year of her life. I took our 52" flat screen to the place where we had the memorial and used the computer to play the movie. I burned 22 DVD,S to give to family and her 2 closest friends. It was a lot of work but well worth it. Pauline would have been so proud of me, because the computer was her thing. Her link to the outside world. I have played it so many times over the 3 months. Songs On DVD 1: In My Life by Judy Collins 2: Angel Flying Too Close To The Ground by Willie Nelson 3: Hallelujah by K.D. Lang 4: Walk In Jerusalem by Mahalia Jackson 5: Amazing Grace by Judy Collins 6: Going Fishing by Leftover Salmon 7: Shanty by Jonathan Edwards 8: The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash 9: Angel Flying Too Close To The Ground by Willie Nelson God Bless Dwayne

Becky, I understand about the tornados. I remember when Pauline and I lived in Chapman. Our small house was on a slab, so when the tornado siren went off we were to go to our friends house a couple blocks away. One night about 1:00 am the siren went off. I was ready to go. Pauline was trying to find a pair of shoes that matched. It was so funny looking back on it. All these shoes flying out of the closet. By the time she found a matching pair of shoes it was all over. Come to find out the next day the tornado was over the grain elevator about a block from our house. Thank God it never touched down. It stills makes me laugh seeing all those shoes flying out of the closet. Pauline being from Massachusetts did not realize the destruction a tornado can do. I am thankful it never touched down, we may not have lived through it. God Bless Dwayne P. S. The small town of Chapman was almost wipe off the map years later from a very large tornado.

Dear Sad, I know the pain you feel. I understand the not wanting to go on. It is not that I ever wanted to end my life. It is I just don't want these feelings over the loss of Pauline to drag me down every day. I went to my Doctor and he puts me on medication and it helps to cope with her loss. Now I go for walks every day. It may be something you would want to look into. Just my last hospice meeting I got there early and talked to the counselor and she suggested I see my Dr. again hand have him put on another medication. She said it will help me with my depression and I would only have to take this medication for a short while. Something to think about, Keep coming here and talk or type whatever you want to. We are all here to help each other. God Bless you Dwayne

Brian, I can understand you not wanting to go or not having the strength to go. I did not want to go either, but I did and believe me those meetings do help, may not at first. The first meeting I went to I did not get to much out of it. I tried to hide my emotions. The next meeting I did not hide my emotions and let them out. I cried many tears along with all the other people there. It is like this place everyone GETS it, they understand what you are going through. I try to make 3 meeting a month. They do help and the hospice councilor is there to help you with what is affecting you and gives you suggestions on things you might try to help you with what you are going through at that moment. One felling I have never felt from the passing of Pauline is anger. I could never get angry with Pauline or the MS that took her away from me. I have a long, long way to go before I cannot stop going to the hospice meetings. I have cried many tears for Pauline and will cry many more. I find that both the meetings and this forum helps a little each time. It is and will be hard to open up in the group meetings, but now I find myself more engaged with the other people there, so give them a chance. God Bless Dwayne

Becky. Guilt is a normal feeling after the death of you loved on. You second guess every decision you have made. We all think if we would have done this or that they would still be with us. It doesn't work that way. Pauline talked about everything. We had many years to do so because MS is a slow killer. In the end it did not matter MS took her any way. There was not a thing I could do to stop it. I tried believe me I worked very hard the last 3 weeks trying to stop the process but it did not make any difference. She stilled passed away. I was so glad to have been with her, and her being at home where she wanted and everything in the bedroom the way she wanted it to be. I held her told her I loved her and I will be ok and she could go to sleep now, I said I love you and she mouthed back I LOVE YOU TO. Then she just went. I felt so much guilt more than anything. The hospice consoler told me I had an nothing to feel guilty over. I had done everything I could, and better than most, so don't beat yourself up over her death. It was not in my control. I don't feel as much guilt now, I just miss her like crazy. I know I will se her again. I have to make a new life now, one I never wanted, but I have no choice, so go on I will always keeping Pauline in my heart and my soul. I love her always and forever. Some day I will meet someone to love again, it will never be like the love I have for Pauline, but it will be love again. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up for feeling guilty. God Bless Dwayne

Lainey I would get up at 4:00 am to go to work. I would give Pauline her med's and if she had to the bathroom and back. For years every morning I would write her a small poem. Some where along the line I stopped I don't know why because she loved them. I guess I must have ran out of thins to say. She saved everyone of them. Poetry is love and I loved Pauline with al my heart and soul. I don't I will ever find that kind of love again. God Bless Dwayne

Melina, I just hit the 3 month on the 25 of May. It is also around the time I met Pauline 33 years ago. This has hit me hard too. I cannot sleep at night, I don't feel like eating, I just get something quick. I try to make it fruit at lest it is healthy. Pauline and I tried for many years to have children, we never did. I know why now God had other plans for me. I was to take care of Pauline through her fight with MS. You do have your sons that are part of your husband. I don't have that. All I have are pictures and a lot of precious memories. We all start a new life post the loss of our loved ones. I know it is hard but trust in God he will lead you down the right path. And yes there is another side where our loved ones go to wait for us to finish our journey. For me I will become a nurse. I had told Pauline if I had a chance I would get into health care some way. She said really because it is totally different than any thing I have ever done. So hang in there enjoy your life with your sons, your husband lives through them as well. I wish I had that. All I have is an empty apartment. But that is ok Pauline had an eye for design. She evened had offers to design other people new homes. Every nurse who has came into our home could not believe their eyes. They would all say it looks like the homes you see in a magazine. This is where I find my comfort, because she is all around me. I know this down feeling will go away I have to much to do in nursing school and I can't wait. You will also find your way into your new life. When you cry God puts them into a vile for you in heaven. I must have barrels full by now. God Bless Dwayne

Carol Ann I am so proud of you for holding up so well. With all ou suport I am sure it is going to in your favor. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless you Dwayne

Mikaerin, I welcome you I feel the pain you have. My wife Pauline passed away 2/25/2011. After her passing I had a lot of her family call or come by. Her best friend has been the only one along with her husband, they call almost every day. It has been very difficult without her. I am starting a new life like all of you. It is not something I wanted to do but I knew that this day would come. Pauline had MS. It eats way at you little bits at a time. I took care of her for many years. Friends and family stopped coming bye or calling a long time ago. Only her best friend Donna and a friend Lisa would come over our call. Her father would call at lease once a week. Sometime he would come over but his health if failing too. I have no choice to find new friends. I think that the people here are my friends because we are all going through the same thing. So day by day I move ahead into my new life. I have made plans to start nursing school. After taking care of Pauline for so many years I found out I am good at being a nurse. So just keep moving ahead at whatever pace is good for you. There is no set rules for grieving, I still cry every day for Pauline. God helps guide us all and he put the right people in your life when you need them. God Bless Dwayne

Carol Ann, I hope every thing went well for you today. I said a Prayer for you this morning. Keep your spirit on high. God Bless You Dwayne

dave s, welcome to this wonderful support group. It helps to talk with people who have gone through the same thing. I also go to hospice support groups in my area. It is different when you meet people in person. I think when you talk about your love one in person with people that has is going through this your emotions become very raw. My wife passed away from MS. she had for years. During that time I though I was going to loose her a few times. This time I was sure she would bounce back even though they said she was in end stage MS. I was positive up until a couple days before she passed, that she would pull out some how. I knew some day that MS would take her but in the end it is the hardest thing in my life to cope with. I am going to turn her passing into a new life for me. I will start nursing classes in July. I found out that for caring for her I was very good at that job. A wound nurse she had for about a year came in once a week and I did the wound care rest of the week. After Pauline passed I called her and told her that Pauline had passed away. She asked me what am I am going to do now. I didn't know and through all my tears on the phone with her she said go into nursing, you have what it takes and you are never to old to become a nurse. So after the course will be over I will be 57 and starting a new life. One Pauline would have ben proud of. So I hope we will see a lot more of you around here, you could not have found a better place than here. God Bless Dwayne

Brian, I feel your pain. It has been three months for me and also 33 years when we met. I felt a double amount of pain and loss then before. I agree we just take each day as they come. I have set goals and am working towards them. Some day I believe I will be able to handle this loss and pain in a different way. Until then I just take each day and make the best of what I have, a life time of all the happy times Pauline and I had together that is where I draw my strength to get through one day ay a time. Hang in there. Dwayne

Dear Sad, I went and lit a candle for Pauline too. I do light a tea candle every night for her. I feel she is all around me all the time. Last week I as talking to Dad, (Pauline's Father), he asked if I had someone on the other side of the table to drink coffee with. I told him NO and he said it is about time I do. After the call I felt so hurt by what he said. I am not ready for another relationship yet. I don't know if or when I will be ready. I feel your pain, I have it every day from the day Pauline Passed. Even before she passed. Because Pauline and I were so close I knew that morning at 4:00 am that this was the day. At 2:30 PM she passed. It is very hard to go on. I go on for Pauline. I have to start a new life now, and all the support I get from here helps. Just one small step at a time and some day you to will see the light coming in. I pray every day for you to give you the strength to go on. God Bless Dwayne

Carol Ann, I am with you all the way. Things like this happen way to often. I will be saying prayers for you, God give Carol Ann the strength she needs to get through this moment in her life and go with her on Monday to defeat this evil that has been brought upon her. I ask you this in the name of the Lord Jesus our savior, Amen. God Bless You Dwayne

Dear Tammy, One of your purpose was to give you husband the feeling of true love, being his best friend, and soul mate that he would never have had if you 2 had not have met. Only God knows what will be ahead of you in this life. I believe very strongly in what God can do. My life with Pauline is a true example of how God works. I was born and raised in the mountains of Colorado, Pauline was born and raised in Fall River MA. I was able to take the summer off because I worked for Park county road and bridge dept. The winter of 1978 I had worked so many hours of overtime, the county paid overtime in comp time. For every hour of overtime I worked I got 1 1/2 hours off with pay. I had 90 days coming to me in comp time. I went to Kansas where my parents grew up at. All my Aunts, uncles, cousins, lived around Abilene KS. The summer before I was out there for about 6 weeks and got a job at a rock quarry running heavy equipment. So the summer of 78 I went back to Abilene, and went back to work at the rock quarry. It was a day in May around 15-20, it was raining so hard that morning that at noon they sent us home. Now this small town of Chapman KS. was only a turn in the road for me. But on that day I had been taking another man from Abilene back and forth to work every day. When we got to the turn in Chapman, he said do you want to stop and get a beer and shoot some pool. I said sure, he knew this bar called Pop's Place. At that time in Kansas you could only drink 3.2 beer in a bar. Any hard stuff you had to go to a liquor store. We stopped and who was tending the bar was Pauline, a small 4' 10" and about 100 pounds whit the most beautiful brown eyes. I sat and talk to her for it must have been 5 hours. The guy that rode with me called to get a ride home. It was like we had known each other forever. Pauline felt the same way. As it went I moved in with her August 13, 1978. So I know God brought us together. He did the same for you. Without your meeting your husband neither of you would not have found that true love, you soul mate and best friend. Take comfort in what you had and God will guide you the rest of your days. God Bless Dwayne

B, I want to welcome you also, I am new here too. I have only been in this group for a couple or weeks. It is a great place for the support we all need. My wife had MS, Multiple sclerosis for many years. She went into end stage and on hospice the February 5, 2011 and passed away February 25, 2011. So I have been at the 3 months after her passing and it is also around 33 years when we meet. It was July 4 1978 when we really start a true relationship. It has been the best 33 years of my life. Even getting the bad news about MS. Pauline was a fighter, never wanting to give in but slowly MS starts eating away at you. The last 2 1/2 years I was with her full time. I had quite my job of 27 years to take care of her. As I look back to December 2010 she had me change the bedroom curtains bed skirts, sheets, comforter. Every bedroom set everything has to match. After the 5 nth time she was happy with it. She new she was coming to the end of her life, even though it wasn't until February 4 nth that we were told it was end stage and to go onto hospice. I cannot come on here that I am not shedding tears. You know the Bible says the tears you shed for a love on God keeps them in a vile in heaven for you. He has to have barrels of tears from me. Coming to this place has helped every time I start reading about others and share what my life with Pauline was like. God Bless Dwayne

Sad, I know I said I was going to bed, and I did. As I was lying there waiting for my sleep to come I noticed that there has been a change in your writings. Am I was starting to see a glimmer of light starting to shine into your world of despair? I hope so and if I have helped you in any little way it goes to show how these forums like this can work. Good Night Dwayne

Sad, no I do not have a job I lost my job the day Pauline passed away. I was her PCA Personel Care Attendant.Before that I worked in a factory for 27 years. I quite to take care of my wife. Pauline asked the agentcy if her ex-husdand could work for her. I had used a Rhode Island PO box for my taxes for years. Because Mass taxes where a lot hire and not working in state the penilties were very high. So now I am getting ready to start nurseing school in July, that is when they have the new funding. Now with unemployment it just is enough to pay my bills. I have about $50 after bills for food and gas. All the years I have taken care of Pauline all the visiting nurses and the wound care nurses said I done an exellant job. The wound nurse Pauline liked the best told me you are never to old to become a nurse and I have what it takes to do the job. I can't wait to get started. I am going to bed now I will type with you tomorrow. God Bless Dwayne

Sad, no they don't only calls from Dad a few times a week and he offers to come over but he i not doing well so I go over to his house. Her brother just email every once in a while. Her older sister only called to borrow a bed table because her husband had a heart attack just the day bafore Pauline Passed away. Her younger sister calls every other week. She bought some things from me for around her pool area, but they will not come and get them. She called today and said I could come up some time this weekend. I don't know I will see how I feel. If I feel better may I will go up just to get the money, i can sure use it. Dwayne

I have hit a wall myself, The 25 has been 3 month without the LOVE OF MY LIFE. I can't sleep I go for walks it helps for awhile and then I just start crying, and it feels like the first day all over again. It is also around the time I met Pauline 33 years ago. I really do not know where the time has gone. I did not have my cell phone on for a couple of days. I turned it on yesterday and a message from Pauline's best friend Donna had called. Her husband had been in a bad motorcycle accident. Badly broken right leg, crushed his left heal, and he was asking for me for help. I went to the hospital today and he was sleeping when I got there, I let him sleep and praied for him. He was surprised to see me when he woke up. I gave him support and said when he get home I will help him anyway I can. God works in many ways, you just never know because it brought me back a little. Every week after Pauline passed away Greg or Donna always calls, and Greg in the hospitle bed asking how I am and what can he do for me. To call him anytime day or night. I am glad Pauline had Donna as a friend. I will tell you all later about Donna and Greg. God Bless all of you, we all need each other to get through this horrible thing called DEATH!!! Dwayne

My wife Pauline had 2 sisters one older one younger, a brother that was the youngest. The oldest sister lives about 7 miles way, the younger about 37 miles, her brother about 18 miles. They would never call never come by only her Father and her 2 best friends would come to see her. A couple years ago I had made a big pot of chicken , a french dish. Pauline had me bring a pot over to her fathers. Her Mother passed away in 1995 from cancer and about 1 1/2 years after Dad remarried. Fine she was like Pauline's mother liked to go to Fox wood and play the slots, so does Pauline's older sister. One day Dad stopped by to bring the pan back. He would always have a coffee and talk a little while. I asked him if he wanted coffee he said no the other 2 were in the car. Pauline asked what other 2. Dad said his wife and her older sister. Pauline had not seen her for over 2 years. So dad left and Pauline started crying what is wrong with me does she think she might catch something from me. I took her in my arms and said no all that is on her sisters mind is getting to the slot machines and smoking.When Pauline went into end stage MS. of course all the family wanted to come by. She did not want that only Dad her best friend and her husband. Well her older sister really wanted to come to see her. I said ok but not to talk load or anything. I had Pauline in her wheel chair and her sister and husband came over. I went into the bedroom and sat on the bed by Pauline and said her sister was there to see her. The sister came to the door of the bedroom and said (How are you doing Kido?) Pauline said just as plain as anything I am doing ok. Her sister said I just came by to see you. Pauline said you have seen me now you can go to smoke and gamble. Her sister could not believe what she heard. Pauline said get out I do not want to see you. I took her sister into the kitchen and said, remember when dad brought the pot back and you stained in the car and did not come up. That is what is in Pauline's mind now. She left crying and called the other sister, and she told her she would have done the same thing. After not seeing her for over 2 years then not coming up to see Pauline. It was very hurtful for Pauline. Her older sister never got to see Pauline again before she passed away. It happens in all families. Why I don't know. God Bless Dwayne

THANK YOU SAD, that is all we want is for you to get out of this down slide you are in and see that there is hope for all of us. Dwayne

Pauline and I always loved animals. In Kansas we took care of a baby racoon, someone had killed the mother in an attic, she had 2 babies. We took one of them and took care of it until it was big enough to fend for itself. We have had birds, sugar gliders. Pauline had a couple Helping Hands Monkeys for about 18 years they were all fun and gives you joy. When Pauline passed we have this small long hair Chihuahua. She was always by Pauline. If she was in the kitchen she was by her side. If Pauline was in bed she was by her side. The last 3 weeks of her life sugar staid ed in bed by Pauline only left to eat and bathroom. She grieved when Pauline Passed. It took her a few days and now she stays by me all the time. It is good to have a pet when you go through the loss of your loved ones. God Bless Dwayne